Left Alone to Dance in the Dark
by Drive all night
Summary: Moving on...Is that even possible? When the rug is pulled out from under Adam, he struggles to put his world back in order. Everything has changed. Is he up for the fight?
1. Chapter 1 - Look what we did?

"Look what we did." She gasped, slightly breathless. All the effort, the tears, the pain and worry was instantly forgotten as they looked down at the baby in her arms. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "We made a girl."

"We did." He pressed his lips to her sweaty forehead. "She's perfect."

He felt her head fall against his shoulder. "I love you so much." He whispered. She was tired. Why wouldn't she be? They had been at this for 6 hours, although she'd been going for most of the day by herself before they made it to the hospital and really she had done all the work and it had been brutal. Then her arms went slack and the baby slipped a little, he caught her in his hand. He looked up suddenly when he heard a panicked voice and saw the worried look on the faces of the others in the room.

He looked back down and her eyes were closed. "Baby wake up." He urged desperately, his heart suddenly thudding wildly. The next few minutes were a blur. The newborn was taken from her mother's arms and handed to him and he was led away from bed. "What's going on?" he screamed as more and more people came running in and the more people that came in the further he was pushed out the way. "Tell me. What's happening?"

Before he could get another word out they had taken her away and he was left standing in the middle of the room with his newborn baby girl in his arms, she was just minutes old and he held onto her for dear life. He looked at her, she was still coming to terms with her new surroundings and then he looked at the floor. He was standing in blood, her blood. His head spun. What the fuck had just happened?

He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Where has she gone?" He heard himself ask but he couldn't make sense of the answer. When they talked to him he couldn't hear anything but the rushing of blood in his head. Someone took the baby from his arms; he tried to hold on to her, he needed to hold onto something to stop him from falling. "We just need to check her out. We will bring her right back."

They took him to a room, away from the blood. It was empty until they bought the baby back and then it was just him and his baby but he didn't know what to do. He'd never held a baby before, not one this small and precious. He looked at his daughter and she was perfect and beautiful but he needed her, the baby needed her mother. Looking at the clock it was now well after midnight and he had no idea how long he had sat there, in that room, alone with his daughter.

Some else came in carrying a bottle of milk. "Do you want to feed her?" the voice floated out of the fog around him. He shook his head. "No. She's having breast milk. She needs her mother." The stranger put a hand on his arm. "The baby needs to be feed now, it's best for her that her sugar levels don't drop to low. We can't wait much longer."

He didn't want to feed her; they had a plan. They had done all the research. Breast milk was all that she needed, she was adamant that she was going to feed her baby. It was the best thing for her. She was supposed to be fed as soon as possible after her birth, within two hours. How much longer did they have? He looked at the clock but time meant nothing. He paced around the room, his hands shoved deep in her pockets to stop them shaking. He didn't want to be the one to tell her that he'd gone against the plan. "Does she have a name?" the stranger asked.

"No." He stopped and looked at the baby being fed. "Is she okay?" the stranger assured him she was fine. She was perfect. The stranger rattled off something, something about her weight and length but the numbers went in one ear and out the other. His heart wasn't in this room right now; his heart was down some hall in some cold operating theatre in the hands of people he had never seen.

Now the baby was back in his arms again. His heart was heavier than she was. "I'm sorry your mom is not here. She's going to be so excited to see you." Her eyes slid closed. Suddenly he was worried that she would think the stranger was her mother and that made him feel sick. He should have done it, her should have been her father and fed her because her mother couldn't. "I'm sorry."

The later the hour the louder the clock ticked. He closed his eyes tightly. This was a dream surely, a terrible dream and when he opened them it would all be over.

He didn't hear anyone come in. While the clock ticked louder, the minutes turned into an hour, then two and his world was in chaos. He was vaguely aware of people coming into the room. Was it one, two no three people? His legs were shaking as he stood up. Where was the baby? He was no longer holding her but couldn't remember why or how.

"I'm sorry." The doctor stood in front of him. He looked tired and anguished. "She lost a lot of blood and we couldn't stop the bleeding. We performed a hysterectomy to try and control the blood loss but we were unsuccessful."

"What?"

"Your wife didn't make it."

"Can I see her?"

"Absolutely. I will organise someone to take you down."

"When will she be able to feed the baby?"


	2. Chapter 2 - She should be here, not me

**A/N: Just a little warning before you precede, it does involve a major character death, which may not make you all that happy. I just couldn't shake this story when it popped into my head. I hope it doesn't disappoint.**

"Mr Ruzek, your wife didn't survive. She died."

He heard a strangled sob from behind him but he couldn't move. His feet were nailed to the floor. The walls started closing in around him, there was no air in the room and he gasped for breath. He snapped his head around suddenly when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Jay? When did he get here?

His brother had called him. The sound of his phone ringing in the middle of the night always set his teeth on edge. "Jay, I think you need to come to the hospital. Kim and Adam have had the baby…" he paused and Jay was already out of bed, shaking Erin to get her moving. He didn't know what his brother was about to say but he knew it wasn't good. "The baby is fine but Kim's in surgery. She haemorrhaged, it's pretty bad. Adam's sitting here with just the baby. It's a girl." They had stumbled to the car and neither of them could tell you how they got to the hospital nor how many road rules they broke but they got there.

"What?" Adam shook his head. He didn't like those words; he wanted to hear something else.

"Adam." Jay's hand gripped his shoulder and he shrugged it off angrily.

"What?" he repeated staring at the Doctor. "Are you fucking kidding me? She just had a baby?"

"I am so sorry. It's not an uncommon complication of childbirth. We did the best we could, we replaced her entire blood volume twice but we couldn't save her." This part of his job never got easier. There was never adequate training to teach you how to deliver this news, how to destroy people's lives with a few simple words. He loved bringing babies into the world and for the briefest moment he loved bringing their baby into the world but that joy on their faces was short lived. They only had a minute of happiness. "You have my deepest sympathy."

Erin looked at the baby safely in her arms and her heart broke in two, such a sweet innocent baby. She was only two hours old, she should have been being cuddled and adored by her parents. It should have been the happiest day of her parent's life. They were so excited about the baby but her mother was dead and Erin wasn't even sure if her father knew she was there. She couldn't stop the tears.

Adam hadn't moved. The Doctor left; Jay assured him that they would stay with him. He looked at Erin who was crying softly in the corner and he wanted to help her but he couldn't step away from his buddy. He was waiting for him to fall, he was waiting to catch him but he didn't fall, he didn't speak and he didn't move.

It was only when the baby made a noise, a soft grunt that he moved. He snapped his head around. "Oh God." The room started spinning and Jay reached out for him. "I can't stay here." Adam pushed him away and he was gone.

"Go with him." Erin urged Jay. "He can't be alone." She stayed with the baby, not that she had any idea what to do. Gently she held her to her chest. "I'm so sorry little girl." Erin sat down in the rocking chair with the baby until a nurse came in to speak to her.

"We can take the baby up to the nursery unless you think Adam will be back."

"I'm not sure. Perhaps you should take her but not yet. Give him a chance. I'll sit with her. She's okay right?" Erin's mind was spinning.

"She is. She is perfect. I am so sorry for your loss." Fresh tears spilled down Erin's cheeks. What a horrible fucking day.

 _'I've got him.'_ She looked at the message from Jay and she breathed a little easier. Erin kissed the baby's sweet little cheek. "Beautiful little girl. Your Daddy loves you, I love you and your Mommy loves you." Erin sobbed. She knew she'd lost a friend, a close and dear friend but right now that didn't matter, that had to be pushed aside because this little girl was going to need them all. She thought of Adam….this was going to crush him. He was in free fall and the scariest thing was she had no idea which way he would go.

As soon as the cool night air hit him he staggered. Suddenly he felt like he had hit a brick wall. He stopped and squatted down on the ground and screamed. Jay was right behind him and when Jay went to reach out to him he flung his arms and pushed him away. He stood back and watched him for a while as he screamed again and again. He sounded like a wounded animal.

"What am I going to do?" He eventually spoke and it was only that Jay was standing right beside him that he heard him.

"I don't know man, I'm so sorry." He finally let Jay help him stand and he held onto him. "You are a Dad now. Your little girl needs you."

"I can't." He sobbed. "I can't look at her."

"I know Adam, but Kim would want you to be there for her."

He let out a strange moan. He was in pain, he was numb and he had to keep reminding himself to breathe. "Don't. Don't. I can't. Kim should be here. It's her baby. She should be here, not me."

"Of course she should, but she's not. You are."

Adam refused to go back to see the baby all he wanted to do was see Kim.

Jay waited outside the room. Adam stood at the end of the bed; his overwhelming grief stopped him from moving. Slowly he edged closer; her hand was cold. Irrationally he tried to warm it. "Oh God Kim." He sobbed. "I love you so much. You are my whole world, you were the reason I came home everyday." Her lips were cold when he kissed them and her skin was pale, but it was soft beneath his fingers as he stroked her cheek. "I came home to you. How am I supposed to live now?" Jay left him for an hour before he came in and led him away.

He offered to take him home but he couldn't go home. He couldn't go back to their home, knowing that the nursery would be waiting for them to bring their baby home. She had chosen everything in that room, Adam had let her. She was so excited and wanted everything to be perfect and up until a few hours ago everything was perfect. Now it was gone, his perfect life was gone.

The pregnancy had been a pleasant surprise. They had talked about having children but were not really trying and thought that it would take a while, so they were shocked that it all happened so quickly. The first month after Kim stopped the pill she told him that she was pregnant. He had joked that it wasn't fair; he was just practising and was looking forward to months of 'trying'. She'd laughed. He loved her laugh, those times when she couldn't stop and she would beg him to stop making her laugh. He would give up everything to hear it again.

The thought of going back to their place now was unthinkable. Knowing that Kim would be everywhere but she was nowhere anymore, knowing that he was all alone now was overwhelming. He felt a crushing weight; he was inundated with emotions that he had no control over. He was broken.

Jay took him home to his place.

"It's my fault." He felt like his skin was crawling. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had done this; he had killed his wife by getting her pregnant. It was his idea to have a baby. He was to blame and he hated himself right now. "It's all my fault."

"It's not."

"If she hadn't gotten pregnant none of this would be happening."

"Adam, no don't go there. You don't know what would have happened."

He looked up at Jay and the pain in his eyes was immense. It took Jay's breath away.

"We could have waited. If I knew that something like this was going to happen I would have never done it. I want her; I want Kim. I didn't mean to kill her."

"You didn't. It is just a tragic twist of fate. It's not your fault. Come on Adam; don't go there. You are not to blame." Jay was desperate to get through to him; he could hear it in his own voice. "I know you would never hurt Kim, never. It's what you both wanted, you both wanted that baby together and you've got that. I know you've lost Kim in every sense of the word and if I could change that for you I would but I can't."

When Adam stopped sobbing in his arms he left him for a few moments and called Erin. She was still at the hospital. "How is he?"

"Right now he is blaming himself."

"Oh God, how did this happen? I don't know what to do."

"Neither do I except I know not to leave him alone right now. Are you coming home?"

There wasn't much more she could do at the hospital. The baby had been fed again and was settled into the nursery. The hospital had given her all the details about the baby in case Adam asked, somehow she knew that he wouldn't but others would. She wanted to know how long she would be in hospital and who would be looking after her. There was no reason she needed to stay long, health wise but they wouldn't release her until they knew what had been put in place for her care. They would need to make sure her father was capable of looking after her.

Her head was throbbing as they asked her for a list of people who would possibly visit the baby. It was usual in these circumstances that they restricted visitors. Erin had to think she assumed that Adam's parents, Kim's mother and sister and her would be a good start, and Adam of course. But that thought troubled her, what was going on in his head?

She would make sure that she came back to see her. They shouldn't be doing this. It should be a celebration of new life; the room should have been overflowing with visitors. There should be cards and flowers and presents in all shades of pink. This baby should be in someone's arms right now, someone who loved her. She should be cuddled and adored and she should know that she wasn't alone in the world. If Erin could have stayed all night she would have but everything was spinning out of control and as much as she was worried about leaving the baby she was also out of her mind with worry about Adam.

This was all wrong.


	3. Chapter 3 - Such A Beautiful Soul

Ellen Burgess sat and stared at the phone in her hands. What had just happened? Surely it was a sick joke? Who would do that? Someone she had never met had called her to tell her that her daughter was dead. They told her that she was a grandmother to a baby girl but that her daughter was dead.

She had been waiting for that phone call for the past couple of weeks. That phone call to tell her that she was a grandmother again. The anticipation was killing her so she had snatched at the phone when she saw Adam's number flash up on her screen and then her whole world crumbled.

"Where's Adam?"

"He's here." The woman's voice was raspy but thick with emotion; she couldn't even remember what she said her name was. "He's in shock. I am not sure he even knows what is going on right now. He hasn't slept or eaten anything and he is barely even speaking."

"And the baby?"

"Still in the hospital. She's healthy, 7lbs 2ozs and beautiful. I can send you a photo." Erin wanted someone to look at this little girl because Adam certainly didn't want to.

"Oh, okay." Was all she could manage to squeak out.

"Ellen, I am so sorry. I loved Kim so much, we all did. She was such a beautiful soul."

Jay Halstead trudged up the stairs of the 21st District. It was a place that was so familiar to them all and it was often a comforting place for them to retreat after a harrowing day. His closet friends were always here, his family was here and it felt like home. Today, it wasn't. He didn't want to be here, he didn't want to do this but they deserved to hear it in person, from someone that cared about Kim and definitely not in a phone call.

Silently he grabbed Platt's arm and pulled her into an empty office. "Trudy." He never used her real name; she would never stand for it but this moment needed it. "Last night Kim and Adam had the baby. A little girl." Jay paused and the smile that threatened to break the Sergeants face faded as he continued. "The baby is healthy but Kim…." He took a deep breath. Platt's hands were already on her face, willing Halstead to stop speaking. "..there were some complications and she didn't make it."

"No, no, no." Platt shook her head and pushed Halstead away as he reached out for her. He was used to it, Adam had pushed him away a lot over the last few hours. "No. Oh my god. Don't lie to me."

"I'm sorry Trudy. I'm so sorry." Tears spilled down his cheeks as he helped lower Platt into the vacant chair.

"No. It can't." her hands shook and she tried to stop them by squeezing them together. "Adam?"

"He's in shock. He's almost catatonic." Jay wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands. "Can I get someone for you? Can I call Mouch?"

"No. Do they know?" she nodded in the upstairs direction.

"Not yet. I'm about to do that. Erin is at home with Adam and she is calling their families for him. He's at our place. The baby is still in hospital. Do you want to see a photo? She's beautiful." It was almost irrational; it was like they were trying to soften the blow by offering up pictures of the baby. Erin had done it to Kim's mother and sister. He had no idea if it was helping or not but he did it too.

His legs felt heavy as he walked up the stairs but they weren't as heavy as his heart. He wasn't even sure how long he stood at the top of the stairs as gradually everyone, Antonio, Al, Mouse and Atwater turned to look at him. Voight came out of his office when he glanced up and saw Halstead just standing there, motionless. "Umm.." he was hoping that the more he said it the easy it would get, but it wasn't any easier, it was getting harder. "Late last night Kim gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.." Al pushed himself out of his chair and slowly started walking towards Halstead, he didn't like the look on his face, the tone of his voice or the dread he felt rush through him. "A few minutes after her birth Kim had a haemorrhage and they took her to theatre. She didn't make it through the surgery. Kim died in the early hours of this morning."

"What?" Al stuttered. He stopped moving. The rest of them looked on in stunned silence. "What?"

"Kim didn't survive." More tears fell down Jay's cheeks. "Adam is…." He shook his head. "..god, I have no idea. You can only imagine what he's like. He's in shock."

"Where is he?" Only Al managed to speak.

"With us. Will called me early this morning. Erin and I got to the hospital before…." He couldn't say it again. "The baby is fine, perfectly healthy and beautiful. Erin's with him now."

When Al found the ability to move again he kept walking, brushing past Halstead down the stairs and out to the car park. He was in his car and on his way to see his partner before he could even think about what he was doing. He needed to see him, to be there for the brash young rookie he had hand picked from the academy and taken under his wing, the smart, tough Cop with a heart of gold and a habit of driving him insane with his enthusiasm and energy. The man he thought of as a son.

Nobody knew that to say, so Al said nothing. He walked past Erin when she opened the door, squeezing her arm lightly and walked straight over to Adam and held him while he cried and that was enough.

When his mother arrived Al followed Erin out onto the balcony. "I don't understand this. It was the perfect pregnancy." He leant his elbows on the balcony railing and twisted his hat in his hands. "Why?"

"I don't know Al." Erin stared back through the doors and could see Adam's mother, Janet talking to him. He looked in pain, but then that's how he'd looked all morning so far. Even when Erin had called his family and Kim's he'd just sat there. Firstly she'd called Kim's mother and when she offered the phone to Adam to talk to her he shook his head, so she stopped asking.

"I'm scared for him." Al had been the one to tell him to stop chasing tail when he was worried that Kim was moving on and that Roman was sniffing around. Ruzek was pretty pissed at him for that. He wasn't chasing tail, he never would. He was desperately in love with Kim and always would be. When they finally sorted out their shit, once Roman had left the scene, Al had to admit that Kim was pretty much it for him. He adored her and he'd never been happier when they found out they were to become parents. He was scared shitless of course but he couldn't wait. Boy or Girl he didn't care and he drove Al insane with all his questions and insecurities. Al told him; just last week to relax that they would figure it out and that babies were hard to break.

Adam had sat on the couch most of the morning as people had come and gone. The rest of Intelligence had followed Al once they recovered from the shock. They offered to help but no one had any idea what to do. His father came and for the first time in a long time Adam's parents actually managed to be civil to each other. Janet was now buzzing about in the kitchen. Adam had started to get annoyed with her constant need to talk and to try and get him to talk. He didn't want to speak. He had nothing to say.

Erin had called the hospital and the baby was doing well.

"Are you going to see the baby today?" Erin bought him a coffee. He set it down on the table and watched it go cold, just like the last one.

"No."

"Do you mind if I do?"

"Kim would like that." In the brief moments he actually spoke he still talked like she was still here.

"Had you picked out any names?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "A few. I don't know." His voice trailed off and he said nothing else.

Voight had given both Erin and Jay time off to help over the next few days. They had to organise Kim's funeral, figure out what was going to happen with the baby and try and get Adam through these first moments. So far Adam showed no interest in any of it.

Erin took Janet to the hospital with her to visit the baby while Jay stayed with Adam. She could see that Adam was starting to get agitated with her. The constant questions and telling him that he needed to make decisions right now was not what he needed. She told him that he needed to pick a name for the baby. "We can't keep calling her the baby."

"Then stop talking about her." He snapped. It was still too fresh and raw.

"Why won't Adam come and see her?" Janet had asked Adam to take her to the hospital, hoping that would break him out of his near catatonic state but he refused. "Has he even held her?"

"He has. He spent some time with her last night after she was born. When we got here last night he was holding her."

When Erin got back she tried to talk to him. He was sitting on the balcony with his eyes closed; he was silently hoping that whoever it was would just leave him alone. Erin sat down beside him and for a few moments said nothing. "What is it Erin?" He knew it was here before he even opened his eyes. If it were his mother she wouldn't have been able to stay quiet.

"She's doing well. Adam she's so beautiful. Do you want to see a photo?"

He finally opened his eyes and looked at Erin. There was absolutely no light or life in his eyes. "What?"

"The baby. Your daughter, I took some photos." Dr Charles had been to see Erin and Janet while she was there. He encouraged Erin to take plenty of photos because at some point Adam would want them. He would regret it down the track if he missed this part of her life. Dr Charles also reassured Janet that what Adam was feeling right now was normal and it was too early to push him into being involved with the baby.

"No."

"Adam." Erin pleaded.

"You know I didn't get time to take a photo with Kim. When she first held her, just after she was born I was too busy staring at her that I didn't take a photo. I don't have a photo of her with Kim. I should have taken a photo." He leant forward and buried his head in his hands and wept. Erin cried with him.

Erin had printed off a photo of both Adam and Kim together. They were laughing and looked so happy. She had no idea if it would make any difference but she wanted the baby to have that in her cot. She wanted her to have her parents close. Erin went back again later in the day and she sat in the nursery and cuddled the girl for the longest time. They let her feed her and she was torn. She was this innocent perfect little girl and she loved having her in her arms but the only reason she was here was because Kim wasn't. Kim would never get to do this and that broke her heart.

Adam didn't talk about the baby, he didn't want to see photos' of her and he didn't ask about her. At times they all wondered if he even remembered that he had a daughter.


	4. Chapter 4 - It's not your fault

Erin knocked on his door lightly. "Adam, the chaplain is here." They knew he had been up all night pacing around their spare room. Twenty-four hours. That's how long it had been. He was tired but he found it hard to sleep. He willed his mind to stop and if he tried hard enough he could pretend this wasn't happening. Then just before he drifted off it all came rushing back and he would jump up and start pacing again.

Finally he had fallen asleep. As the rest of the world was just starting their day he finally let exhaustion take him. He slept fitfully, his body may have rested but his mind hadn't stopped.

Kim's mother had arrived late in the evening and it was like it was happening all over again. He had to re-live it. Not that he wanted to talk about it but Ellen deserved to know what happened to her daughter and she needed to hear it from him. Adam kept apologising to Ellen. "I'm sorry, I wish it was me. I would have done anything for her. I'm sorry."

"Adam it's not your fault."

Eventually she asked about the baby. Adam looked at her and she was a little shocked by the lack of emotion in his eyes. "Ask Erin." He responded coldly and left the room.

Erin showed her some more photos. "You can go visit her anytime. You will need to ask and your name is listed as a visitor and they will let you spend as long as you want with her. She's gorgeous and doing really well."

"But Adam?"

"Ellen, he's in shock. He doesn't know which way is up right now. I am sure he'll come around but he needs time. He has held her, he spent some time with her while Kim was in surgery."

The last person he wanted to see was the Chaplain and he wasn't particularly welcoming but the Chaplain was used to it. Him being here made it real. He barely listened as the plans for Kim's funeral were discussed. He shouldn't be doing this, none of this made sense. His parents had arrived and with Ellen and Erin they all sat down together and made some decisions. Adam sat back and let them go, occasionally he would shake his head and he had already decided that he wasn't going to speak during the service. Kim's brother in law would speak along with Erin; he didn't want some long-winded rambling service so the less people that spoke the better. It needed to be simple because that's what Kim would want.

He only had three requests. Yellow flowers. Kim loved yellow flowers; she loved the way they brightened up any room. It was a reminder of spring and it was her favourite season after the bitterness of a long winter. Daffodils, sunflowers, Poppies or roses he didn't care they just needed to be yellow.

The wake was not to be at Molly's even though the guys at 51 had offered. He had so many good times there with her and he didn't want all those memories destroyed. He would never be able to go back there again if he associated it with Kim's death. His mother offered her house and he nodded.

His final decision was about the baby. It was the first time he had mentioned her or made a decision about her. The baby wasn't going to be there. "She doesn't need to be at her mother's funeral. She's better off where she is."

"You might find it comforting…" the Chaplain started. Adam's head snapped up and his eyes were icy.

"There is nothing remotely fucking comforting about any of this." His mother rested her hand on his arm but he snatched it away angrily. "How is a baby going to its mother's funeral fucking comforting? It's not right, nothing about this is right. None of this is fucking okay." He pushed his chair back suddenly and it crashed into the bench. He took off, slamming the front door behind him.

Janet wanted to follow him but Erin stopped her. "Let him go." It was his first show of real emotion all day.

It was hours before he returned. He didn't explain where he had been or what he had been doing. He sat silently at the table and read the plans for Kim's funeral, in just three days time he had to say goodbye to his wife. It was all a little surreal. This shouldn't be happening to them.

"After the funeral, are you going to bring the baby home?" Erin asked him, it seemed like she was the only one he would let talk to him about the baby. Every time someone else mentioned it he would either ignore them or snap back at them. Erin, however he would at least acknowledge and respond to her. Everyone had gone by the time he got back. His mother and Ellen had gone to the hospital and his father had gone to work. Erin and Jay had pretty much kept everyone else at bay. The last thing he needed was a constant stream of visitors.

"I guess so." He shrugged and he knew that she couldn't stay there forever. Kim would hate that; actually Kim would be angry with him for not going to see her but hadn't been able to bring himself to see her again, not yet.

It was late when Erin heard him leave the apartment.

He stood at the doors to the Maternity Ward. He wished he never had to set foot in this place again but he had no choice, he owed it to Kim to be here. Nervously he approached the desk. "I'm here to see my baby."

"Who? It's after visiting hours." He wanted to reach across the desk and slap the woman.

"Ruzek." His voice was as cold as his eyes. The nurse looked at the notes on the baby's file. There was obviously a list of approved visitors, Erin had told him that. She'd asked him who he wanted to be able to see her. It was only their parents, Erin and Jay and Kim's sister that he agreed to.

"And you are?"

"Her father." His words were barely above a whisper. They felt foreign on his tongue. He was a father, her father.

They took him through to a room and a few minutes later they wheeled the baby in. He sat there for hours. When she woke and started to cry he had no idea what to do so he let her cry until the nurse came in and told him she was hungry. He let her have his chair while she fed her because he refused to do it and he paced back and forth on the other side of the tiny room. He needed to be as far away from her as possible but he couldn't leave the room. She was talking to him about something, probably the baby but he was taking nothing in. Once she had finished she offered the baby to Adam but he shook his head. "No."

He left before she woke again. When Erin asked him in the morning where he went he just shrugged. "I needed to get out."

When Erin went to visit the baby later that day she found out where he had been. "Adam was here last night. He stayed for hours; he didn't hold her or talk to her. He just sat in the room in the dark with her. Is he okay?"

"I don't think so but I'm glad he came to see her."

The next night he was back, and the night after that.

Zoe approached him tentatively. He had retreated to the balcony for some fresh air. They were talking about food or something for the wake and he wanted nothing to do with it. Amanda had been a little reluctant to bring Zoe with her but she really wanted to see Adam. She had been inconsolable when they told her about Kim but Adam had hugged her tightly when she burst into tears as soon as she saw him.

"Uncle Adam."

"Come here." He held out his hand so that she could sit down next to him. He hooked an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in, kissing the top of her head.

"Can I ask you something?"

Adam nodded. "I want to talk about Aunt Kim tomorrow. Is that okay?" Zoe desperately wanted to tell everyone a story about her Aunt.

"Of course you can. She'd love that." He hugged her a little tighter. "She loved you so much Zoe. She was so proud of you and everything you've done. She thought you were pretty brave."

"Remember that day we went to the IFly and rock climbing? She was so freaked out that I was going to hurt myself. She spent the whole time with her hands over her eyes." Adam laughed, just a little.

"That was a funny." Adam and Kim had taken Zoe out for the day and they spent the teasing Kim about her over protectiveness. "It was a good day hey?"

"And…" she bit her bottom lip, like Kim often did when she was nervous. "Can I go and see the baby with Mom today?"

"Of course you can."

Zoe smiled; she was desperate to see her cousin. She had been so excited about the baby. Being an only child Zoe had always wished that her Mom had another baby but it wasn't going to happen so when they told her that she was going to have a cousin she couldn't contain her excitement. Whenever she saw her Aunt she would sit with hands on her stomach hoping to feel it move and kick. She had spent hours teaching herself how to crochet so that she could make a little rug for the baby. "I made something for the baby."

"Why don't you take it with you when you go to the hospital?"

She was still chewing her bottom lip. "What's up Zoe?"

"Are you still my Uncle?"

"Oh Zoe, of course I am. I always will be." He pressed his lips to the top of his head. Like he used to do with Kim when she was tucked under his arm. "You know how you'll always love Aunt Kim, so will I and I'll always love you, that will never change." He laughed lightly. "I'll be running background checks on all your boyfriends. I'll be very annoying and embarrassing."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"And I can still call you Uncle Adam?"

"You better."

"Can I come and stay sometimes."

"You better." He nudged her playfully.

Amanda was standing at the window watching Zoe and Adam talking. She felt Erin come and stand beside her. They had certainly bonded over the past few days. She wished she had gotten to know her sister's friend under better circumstances. "What do you think they are talking about?" Amanda nodded in their direction.

"Who knows, but it's the least unhappy I have seen him."

"Zo was so desperate to see him. She adores him; they are like two peas in a pod. I know Kim used to freak out at how much Adam let her get away with. She was always worried she was going to hurt herself, they would freak her out the way they bounced around from one thing to the next."

"He's like a pinball machine sometimes."

"I hated having to tell her that Kim was gone. She actually got angry with me, told me I was lying. Zoe wants to see the baby and I thought it would be better if she asked him herself." She turned and gave Erin a half-hearted smile. "He was less likely to say no to her."

Erin was holding her hand. "I really do think he's going to be okay."

"So do I. I hope so." Amanda rested her head on Erin's shoulder and they both watched them for a few moments. "For my niece's sake, I really hope so."

His mother asked him if he had any particular photos he wanted included in the service. Painfully he sat and watched what they had pulled together so far. He felt his heart breaking into smaller and smaller pieces. "What about a photo of the baby? Do you want to add one?"

"No." He closed the lid of the laptop.

"Everyone keeps asking about her, it might be nice."

"I don't fucking care what people want. I told you I don't want her there and I certainly don't want her photo flashed up on a screen for everyone to gawk at. It's not about her; it's got nothing to do with her. It's about Kim." He was so sick of this whole conversation. "If they are coming just to see her then they can fuck off. I don't want them there." In all honesty he would have preferred a private funeral but that was probably being unfair to all the people that loved Kim and he knew, without a shadow of a doubt that the place would be packed.

It really did worry them all how bitter he sounded on the rare occasions that he spoke about the baby.


	5. Chapter 5 - It's Ruzek's Baby

He tapped his leg nervously as he watched the nurse run her finger down the list. He craned his neck hoping to catch a glimpse of the names but he couldn't make it out. Of course there would be a list of some sort. "I'm sorry. Your name isn't down as a registered visitor."

"She was my partner, I just want to see her baby. Just for a minute. I promise and then I am gone."

"I'm sorry. If you are not on the list I can't let you in. We can ask next time her father comes in or we can call someone for you?"

"No, it's okay." he stepped away from the desk; the last thing he needed was Ruzek to know he was here. "Can you tell me if the baby is okay? It's a girl right?"

"I'm sorry, I can't give you any information."

Being back in Chicago bought up so many memories. He had jumped on the plane without thinking, the second he heard. One of his buddies, one of the very few that he had had called him and let him know. It had knocked him on his arse. Now he was here he had no idea what to do or what he hoped to achieve. No one was going to be happy to see him; no one was going to say ' _oh thank god you are here.'_

Maybe he could go back later, when a different nurse was on and give them another name. What name would be on that list? Jay Halstead, probably but then it was too risky. Most of the hospital probably knew him because of his brother. Atwater, surely if he'd been they would remember Kevin. He just wanted to see her baby. He needed to see her baby.

It had taken him days to figure out why. Why he needed to see the baby, why he needed to be here. Why he needed to torture himself. Then it hit him, it was because he never quite shook her off. When he first heard that she was pregnant he quickly did the math. He knew it was stupid and irrational. He'd been in San Diego for more than a year at that stage.

"She had a visitor today." The nurse bought the baby into Amanda. She lifted her niece from her cot and kissed her soft head. She managed to sneak one hand free from her swaddling and Amanda stroked her tiny hand as it rested against her cheek. Already they could pick up some of her quirks, what her likes and dislikes were.

"Who?" There were only a couple of people who visited her. "Adam?" she asked hopefully. They knew he was here each night but he never talked about it and he still didn't acknowledge her to anyone else. They also knew that he had never held her but the more he came the better and the nurses were fantastic.

"He said his name was Sean Roman." Amanda felt her heart sink. She had never talked to Adam about him but she knew that he wouldn't want him anywhere near him or his daughter. He blamed him for their separation and hated the guy with a passion.

"You didn't let him see her did you?" She clutched the baby tighter to her chest, a feeling of protectiveness surging through her.

"No. I offered to call and ask for permission or ask Adam next time he came in but he took off. I am assuming he doesn't have permission?"

"Don't even bother asking Adam and I can tell you there is no way he would want him to see her. There is a history there that I don't want to go into." Amanda felt a bubble of anger rise up. "Promise me that he won't see her." What little she did know was that Roman and Kim had a fling after she broke up with Adam and he had asked her to move to San Diego with him after a couple of weeks of dating. Kim regretted the whole affair and worked her butt off to sort things out with Adam. They were happy but it had been a rough ride for a couple of months. Before she left Amanda asked them also not to tell Adam that Sean had been in asking to see the baby.

After she left the hospital she called Erin and she was surprised by Amanda's news. Nobody had any idea why he was back and what he wanted but they certainly didn't want to deal with the fallout should Adam find out. They had far more important things to worry about.

Adam may not be showing any outward interest in the baby but without a doubt he would flip out completely if he knew Roman had been anywhere near her. Hell if he knew he had even been at the hospital tyring to see her he would lose it. They didn't know much of what was going on in Adam's head at the moment but that much they were sure of.

Sean tried to figure out who would be most welcoming of him. He had cut off all ties with just about everyone in Chicago when he left. It wasn't a lie when he told her she was the only thing he would miss about this place. As he walked along the Riverbank nothing had really changed. She was still the only thing that he missed and now she wasn't even here anymore.

As much as he tried to move on, and he had to some degree there was still a part of him that wished he'd stuck it out here and made it work with her. Perhaps that would have never been possible because deep down he knew she belonged with Adam and that pissed him off. The guy had let her go without batting an eyelid and she went running back as soon as he clicked his fingers.

Had he stayed though she would have been loyal because that was the person she was but it wouldn't have been right and they wouldn't have been happy in the deepest sense of the word because he would have always been looking over his shoulder at Ruzek.

His current girlfriend, if you could call her that, had been phoning him all day. He had just taken off without a word. How could he explain that he had fled back to Chicago because his ex had died suddenly and he wanted to be close to her? He wanted to see her baby. He couldn't explain it to her because he didn't understand it himself.

Erin looked across the Bullpen and frowned. "No." she stood up quickly, drawing everyone's attention. "Is he still there?" The whole bullpen was silent. "Absolutely not." She continued, her voice getting louder and more animated as she spoke.

"What was that about?" It was hard enough being back at work today. Adam had insisted that he didn't need to be babysat, he was a big boy and quite capable of looking after himself. His mother was still buzzing around, as was Ellen. Ellen was staying back at their place… _his place_ …he reminded himself while he stayed with Erin and Jay for another night. He wasn't quite ready to face that hurdle.

She threw her phone on her desk in frustration. "Apparently Mouse is at the hospital to see the baby."

"I'm right here." Mouse added unhelpfully.

"I can see that Mouse." Erin shot him an exasperated look. "It's obviously not you. It's Roman."

"Roman?" Atwater's almost choked on the word. That was a name he hadn't heard in a long time and quite frankly was hoping never to hear again. He felt a little duped by the guy when Kim finally told him how he had got in her head about Ruzek and made her doubt him and his commitment to her. Nothing would convince him that he didn't do it precisely to get her into bed with him and he was pissed off at himself that he had actually supported Kim, somewhat reluctantly and her decision at the time because he thought that was what she wanted. Ruzek had reamed him about that also. "What's he doing here?"

"Take a wild guess. I guess he is here because of Kim but he's been back to the hospital twice trying to see the baby."

"Why?"

"I don't know Kev." She snapped.

"Ruzek's not going to like that."

"You think?" she pinched the bridge of her nose in tyring to ease the tension she felt building behind her eyes. It had been a long few days and as much as Ruzek wasn't sleeping neither was she. She worried about him constantly and it had left her feeling extremely drained.

Jay had been right there beside her and they both didn't get a lot of sleep. It was only when they were alone together were they able to let their own emotions surface. They were both worried about Adam and his state of mind. They both worried about the baby and had discussed the possibility that they would have to take care of her if Adam couldn't. His family probably would offer but they were more than prepared to do the same if they had too.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"You think I'm that stupid?" Atwater held up his hands and apologised. It was a stupid question.

Mouse had been tapping away on his keyboard while they hashed out what to do. "You want his number and location?"

"Only if you tell me he's not still at the hospital."

"Okay, he's not at the hospital. He's in a bar downtown." He had written it down on a sticky note and held it up for someone to take. "Do you want it?"

Halstead and Atwater decided to pay Roman a friendly visit. Lindsay wanted to go to the hospital to make sure that under no circumstances was he to be told anything about the baby or let in to see her. She printed off a photo of Roman to attach to the baby's file to make sure that everyone knew he wasn't to see the baby. Sadly the hospital was pretty well used to having to deal with restricted access but it was usually because of custody issues. This was one thing that Adam did not need to deal with or even know about.

Roman saw Atwater from the corner of his eye. He was hard to miss. As both Atwater and Halstead approached he rolled his eyes. "Let me guess. Mouse? Bloody Intelligence." He finished off his beer and ordered another. "Care for a drink?" he offered.

"What are you doing here man?" Atwater didn't bother with pleasantries.

"None of your business."

"That's where you are wrong. I feel like it is our business."

"Look." He held up both his palms to show he had nothing to hide. "I am not here to cause trouble. She was my partner too. We were in a relationship."

"You had a fling for a couple of weeks. I'd hardly call it a relationship." Halstead snorted which pissed Roman off.

"Whatever. If that's what you all think. I loved her."

"Okay. You loved her once. What's that got to do with you trying to get into the hospital to see the baby?"

"It's her baby. I just want to know that her baby is okay. It's a girl right? Does she look like Kim? I just want to see part of her one more time. Is that so bad?"

"It's not just her baby. It's Ruzek's baby."

"I fucking know that."

"Then stay away."

"So I can't even go to the funeral?"

They would prefer if he didn't but Roman always did whatever he wanted and didn't give a damn about anyone else. "I guess we can't stop you." Despite their protectiveness over Ruzek right now they could both see that Roman did care about her. It was probably true that he loved her at some stage, maybe he still did but that was irrelevant. Kim didn't love him, she was happily married to Ruzek and they were starting a family. Sure that was now in tatters but it didn't change the fact that Kim had cut Roman out of her life for a reason. "But I would suggest you lay low and stay far away from the hospital and that baby."

"Fair enough." He nodded. "How is Ruzek?"

"How do you think he's doing? He just lost his wife." Atwater snarled. He couldn't believe he even had the balls to ask about Ruzek. He knew he didn't care about him. If he had he would never have screwed with Kim the way he did.

"Fucking Intelligence." He mumbled after they left. They had always rubbed him the wrong way. Smug pricks. He threw back the rest of his beer and ordered another one.


	6. Chapter 6 - Don't open your eyes

_Don't open your eyes_ , he willed himself.

If he opened his eyes that would mean the day would start and he didn't want this day to start. He hoped that it would never come. When he opened his eyes the worst day of his life awaited him.

Or was it?

The day she broke off their engagement – he thought that was the worst day of his life. Then the day he found out that she was screwing around with Roman, man that day sucked badly. All that got blown away when she left him for good, when she left him holding their baby. But the next day was worse and the day after that.

Now today; this fucking horrible day. The day he had to say goodbye, the day he had to bury the mother of his child, the day he let go of his wife. This was without a doubt the worst fucking day of his life. So he kept his eyes closed and willed the sun not to rise.

But it did. He could hear Jay and Erin moving around the apartment. He hadn't been able to go home yet and asked if he could stay until after the funeral. Tomorrow he would go home because tomorrow his new life had to start, he couldn't avoid it but he had no idea how to handle it either.

He'd sat with the baby until almost three in the morning and knew that it would be his last night of doing this. It was the last time he could hide in this small room with her because tomorrow they were taking her home. Ellen was going to stay with him for a while. It was the only reason they were letting her come home. He knew she couldn't stay in hospital forever and there was no way he was letting her go anywhere else but he didn't feel capable of taking care of her. Shit, he couldn't even decide on a name or even touch her.

Erin handed him a coffee when he came out. He had stolen a few more minutes to himself by taking a long shower. His suit was hanging on the back of the door; it was Kim's favourite. She loved it when he dressed up, not that it happened often. He'd last worn this suit when they got married. Tomorrow he was going to burn it. Erin squeezed his hand and didn't say a word.

He thanked them for letting him stay, for everything they had done for him. "I'm not sure I could have made it this far without you."

The church was filling quickly and they had to scramble to find more chairs. Yellow flowers filled vases and urns and gave a brightness and feeling a light to a heavy morning. Adam arrived flanked by his parents and Kim's family. He seriously considered not coming at all. He was always comfortable being the centre of attention, but not today. Today he wanted to crawl into a hole and block out everything and everyone.

Sean slipped into the church well after it was filled and stood quietly at the back. Erin spotted him and made her way towards him. He held up his hands as he saw her approaching. "Erin I am not here to cause problems. I swear I will leave before he notices I am even here. I just needed to say goodbye."

"Okay." She noticed he was looking over her shoulder at the front of the church. "The baby is not here. If that's who you are looking for." He had obviously wanted to see her otherwise he wouldn't have gone to the hospital twice trying to get in to see her.

"Why not?"

"It was Adam's decision."

"Do you have a photo?"

"No. What is it with you and the baby?"

"I keep thinking, that could be us. That could've been us with a baby."

"No it couldn't because as much as you want to believe that Kim and you had something you didn't. She loved Adam, she always did and you know it. Let it go Roman, let her go."

"Does she have a name?"

Erin just turned and walked away. She just hoped that he was true to his word and said his goodbyes and went back to where he came from. They didn't need this right now. Adam didn't need this right now.

Adam had asked that Intelligence not be in uniform. Others he didn't care about and he knew that there would be more than enough uniforms there but he didn't want his team, his family in uniform. "I want you to come as her friend, as her family not as work colleagues. She was more than that to you." They all agreed and it surprised more than a few that they were in plain suits. It was always seen as a mark of respect for a fellow cop. Had she died on the job he might of felt different but she didn't and it would have been more disrespectful to Adam had they ignored his request. Even Platt was dressed in plain clothes.

"Darlin' I promise I'll take care of her. I'll make you proud of me. I promise she'll always know how much you loved her and that you didn't want to leave us." He whispered quietly with his head bowed and with his hand resting lightly on her casket. "I loved you like no other, you were my reason for living. Now my reason for living will be our daughter." He had no idea how he was going to fufill his promise to her but he would. He had too.

No one could hear him. They all watched with hearts in their throats and tears streaming down their faces as he spoke to her before taking his seat. Those who loved her dearly, those who watched her grow up, friends, family, colleagues. He didn't talk at the funeral. Nobody needed to hear what he had to say, people could see his broken heart they didn't need to hear it.

Her brother in law, Peter spoke for the family and told them stories of Kim growing up with her sister and her life as an Air Hostess. Zoe held onto her father's hand as she told her story. Adam grabbed her hand as she went to sit down. He wiped a tear from her cheek. "You did good." He whispered.

Erin talked about Kim as a cop and as a friend. She talked about the love that she shared with Adam. How easy it was for them to fall in love, how hard it was for them to negotiate what that meant and how beautiful it was to watch them grow together and their excitement about becoming a family.

Adam had agreed to let Erin talk a little about their daughter.

"Now they have a beautiful baby girl. Kim left us too early, far too early but not before she gave Adam the most beautiful and precious gift to help him navigate his way through the dark. Kim left a light on." His head remained bowed and he only lifted it when Erin finished speaking. She squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek on her way back to the comforting arms of Jay and Voight.

Jay, Kevin, Peter, Al and her uncle shouldered Kim's casket from the church along side Adam. Through almost the entire 21st District, most of Firehouse 51and people from her past and into the waiting hearse before heading off to a private service.

He had held himself together throughout the Church Service but when it was just his parents, Kim's mother, Amanda, Peter and Zoe he let it all go.

While everyone headed back to Janet's house after the service Adam promised to be there shortly. He wanted just a few minutes to himself; people had been around him all day. Not giving him a chance to breath. He needed a moment to get some air back in his lungs before he had to face the masses, there would be little hope of avoiding talking to people once he got back to his mother's house.

And he wanted to go to the hospital. He wanted to see her. He stood beside her cot with his hands shoved deep in his pockets and watched her sleep. He wanted to touch her but he was too scared. She scared him. He was scared to love her, he didn't want to love her and then have her leave him. He couldn't handle that. He thought it would be easier not to love her, but he couldn't do that either. He couldn't do anything. The love and the fear and the grief were paralysing.

"Adam. Where have you been?" His mother had been beside herself when he took off from the service and no-one could get a hold of him.

Adam had never spent so much time with his mother and it was starting to get on his nerves. He knew she was just trying to help but they had always had a somewhat strained relationship and he found it hard now to let her in. "I'm here now."

Erin knew where he had been. She had called the hospital and they told him that he was there.

He spent the next couple of hours talking about Kim. Everyone wanted to tell him a story about what she meant to them and they all asked him about the baby. He handled it with all the grace he could muster and would just smile and say ' _she's good'_ or _'she's fine._ ' and _'No, she doesn't have name yet.'_ Kevin, Jay and Antonio all ran interference if they could see that someone was monopolising him. He quickly learnt to shoot one of them a look and they would come and rescue him.

He pulled Erin aside at one point. "Roman was there wasn't he?"

"Did you see him?"

"Yep. He came to say goodbye to Kim?"

"He did." Erin held her breath wondering what he would do or say. "We didn't know what you would think. We thought you wouldn't want him there."

"I didn't." His eyes suddenly narrowed. "He's been at the hospital?" It was half a question, half a statement. He watched Erin to see how she reacted. "I saw his photo attached to the Nurses' desk. Why else would it be there?"

"We didn't want to tell you. We didn't want you to worry about that."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Has he seen her?"

"No. Absolutely not."

He had made damn sure everyone at the hospital knew that afternoon that if he showed his face again they were to call security and to call him. "He better not. I'll fucking kill him if he gets anywhere near her. He took Kim from me, for almost a year. I lost a year of my life with her because of him."

Erin rested her hand on his arm making sure that Adam was looking at her. He stared back at her icily and she tried not to take it personally. "I know and there is no way I would let him anywhere near her. I promise you that. That's why his photo is there. He tried to get through by using Mouse's name. I've warned him, Jay and Kevin have warned him. I'll get Voight to warn him if need be."

"Just make sure." He snapped at Erin and he knew he was being unfair because Erin had been absolutely in his corner the whole time but he was angry. "Or else."

Adam turned and disappeared outside with a slam of the door. Jay offered to go after him. "No, let him go. He knows that Roman is around. He's pissed off. Leave him to cool off a bit." It was exactly what they were trying to avoid. They didn't want him to know anything about Roman being at the hospital, or that he was even in Chicago.

His daughter came home the next day. It was the first time he had been back to their place since they walked out of here when Kim was in labour. He had been in a flat panic then and now his heart was racing but for a different reason.

Ellen carried her inside the apartment; she was covered in the blanket that Zoe had made for her. Adam was carrying her bag of things that they had been given at the hospital. He would have preferred if he didn't have to go to the hospital at all but they wouldn't let her be discharged unless her legal guardian was present, and that was her father. Amanda, Zoe and Janet waited for them at home.

As his mother lifted her out of the carrier she turned to look at Adam but he had disappeared into his bedroom.

He felt like the walls were closing in around him. He stood at the end of the bed and looked at her side. He had always laughed at the amount of stuff she had piled up on the cabinet beside the bed. There were always half a dozen books, pieces of jewellery and various tubes of lotion and lip balms. The book on top of the pile caught his eye and it made him feel weak. Baby Names.

From the other room he could hear her cry. Before he knew what he was doing he found himself sitting at the bottom of the shower letting the water flow over him to drown out the noise but it couldn't drown out the constant throb in his head and ache in his chest that reminded him of everything he had lost.


	7. Chapter 7 - He won't even look at her

Adam walked out of his bedroom. He didn't even bother to smile at his mother but then he didn't smile at all at the moment. Ellen jumped up and made him a coffee. "Did you sleep okay?" she asked as she handed him the steaming mug. He liked it hot, the hotter the better. At least if he burnt his mouth he knew he was still alive.

It had been two weeks, two long painful weeks. "Not really." He shrugged, scratching his beard roughly, but that wasn't unusual. He was barely functioning and if he was honest the only reason he even showered was because he could hide in there away from everyone. Every time the baby woke throughout the night, so did he, not that he got up but he would lie awake and listen until she went back to sleep and the apartment went quiet again. She had been home for just over a week and he still refused to step foot into the nursery. His mother would come over everyday and help Ellen look after her. Erin would come, Platt would come and they would all help but he never did. Amanda would bring Zoe over so that she could see the baby and even the guys from work would stop by, but Adam didn't bat an eyelid when they all fussed over the baby. He just left them to it.

He had held her only once since she had been home. Erin had basically put her in his arms, frustrated that he wasn't even trying. He looked at her and for just a moment he felt something and it scared him so he put her back in her bassinette and walked out of the apartment. "He won't even look at her, he doesn't ask about her." Ellen looked at Erin sadly. "I know he's hurting but I am worried about him. Kim would hate this."

"She would, but we know that he loves her." Turning up at the hospital every night proved that, even if he would just sit in the corner of the room and say nothing. Even if he never held her, never fed her or talked to her but every night he was there just him and his daughter and his broken heart.

His eyes flicked to the sleeping baby, she was in her bassinette in the corner of the room. All he could see was her dark hair. "Matilda Grace." He said quietly. They were both surprised that he had actually spoken it took a moment to sink in.

"Matilda Grace Ruzek." Ellen repeated, squeezing Adam's hand gently. "Adam, that's lovely."

"Matilda Grace Burgess Ruzek." he corrected her.

Every day someone was asking him for a name. Reminding him that he had to make a decision and giving him suggestions. All of which he hated. Though that was probably more to do with the fact that he didn't want anyone else choosing her name. It had to be his choice but he was trying to figure out what Kim would like. They had more than a few entertaining conversations about names and their list was becoming shorter before she was born and he certainly had plenty of opinions then. Now he wished he knew what to do. He wished he knew what Kim wanted.

Only once had he commented on her name. Ellen had called her 'Lil Kim' and he had snapped. "Don't call her that. Kim would hate it. She hated that singer." It didn't really make much sense to them, but to him it did. Her song had come on the radio once while they were in the car. Adam had rested his hand on her still tiny bump and called the baby Lil' Kim. _'I hate this song.'_ She'd quickly changed the station. _'Her voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard.'_

Mainly she was just called the baby _'How's the baby?_ people would ask. _'Is the baby well? Has Adam held the baby? Does the baby have a name yet?_ He heard people calling her sweetheart or darlin'. He liked that. He called Kim Darlin' all the time, it felt familiar to hear it again and he liked that people called her that.

He thought about naming her after Kim but knew that she would hate him for that. Last night he'd finally picked up the baby name book that was beside their bed. Kim had kept it there with a pen and piece of paper. If a name came to her she would write it down to look up the meaning. She wanted a name that meant something, something that meant something to them. Looking at the list, with her small neat handwriting he was finally able to get some clarity. He felt like she was talking to him through that list. A lot of names had been crossed out along the way, but one was circled.

It was the last name she wrote down, Matilda; he looked it up. It meant _'Strength in Battle'_ and it seemed appropriate. Through no fault of her own her life so far had been a battle. Truth be told it also meant something to him because they had battled hard to put their relationship back together and they had more than succeeded. They were strong and they knew that could get through anything as long as they were together. This, he didn't know how to navigate. He was in a battle and he was surrounded and fighting his way out seemed too hard. But he would have to; he had a daughter that needed him to fight.

Grace was Kim's middle name and he wanted her to have Burgess as a name because no matter what happened in the future, if she got married and dropped his name she would always have her mother's name. That was his hope and he promised to make sure she knew that.

Erin smiled when she saw the message from Adam. Ellen had asked him to let Erin know. "You can do it."

"No." she refused. They had started pushing back a little, just gently and only every now and then to try and get him moving. If he didn't start to step up they would have to look at other arrangements for the baby. "It should come from you." So he sent her the name and that was it. He threw his phone back on the table and ignored it. Instantly something came back from Erin but he didn't look at it until much later that night. _'A beautiful name for your beautiful girl.'_

She stood up and pulled the white board to the centre of the room. It was blank at the moment; thankfully they had nothing on. Across the top of the board she wrote, with tears in her eyes. _'Matilda Grace Burgess Ruzek.'_

"Our little girl has a name." It stayed here for the rest of the day. It was nice to see something good on the board. It was nice to have something good in their world for just a little while. It was also heart warming that for once a message about the baby had come from Adam. It was a first, a tiny little step.

And then he went back to nothing.

By the next day the name had been erased from the board and replaced by some case photos.

Antonio climbed the stairs gingerly. "What happened to you?" Atwater almost laughed as he winced while trying to remove his jacket.

"I let Ruzek beat the shit out of me." He sucked lightly on his swollen lip.

"Why?"

"Because he turned up this morning and he was angry and he needed it."

He was angry. He was angry with himself for being angry at her. He couldn't look at her, he wouldn't say her name or touch her. Today he couldn't be around her, she was fussy and crying and he couldn't stand the noise. Today he blamed her because Kim wasn't here anymore and he hated the way it made him feel. It scared the crap out of him. So he walked about of their apartment, again and left her grandmother's to deal with it.

Antonio had been more than willing to jump in the ring with him. He had never seen him punch with as much anger and aggression. It had stunned him initially and he had been surprised when Ruzek knocked him on his arse. By the end of it he doubted it was just sweat running down his face. He sank down against the corner post and pulled his knees up to his chest.

Antonio rested his hands on his knees. "I don't care what time of the day or night you call, but if you need to come here and beat the shit out of me or a bag then you call. I'll be here, okay?"

"Antonio. I'm scared I won't love her."

"Then we will, until you can, until you are ready. We will love Matilda."

"I should love her though right? She's just a baby. When I first saw her it was instant, you know. We looked at her and couldn't believe that what we'd done. We made her and she was so perfect, but today I felt that slip away. I couldn't remember that feeling. It's not her fault but I blame her because I don't have Kim anymore. I hate it, I hate myself for not loving her."

"You do have Kim, that little girl is part of Kim. She left you with a precious life to love and you will."

"What if I don't?"

Antonio grabbed the back of his neck and rested his forehead on Adam's. "You will."

"Is he okay?" It was a daily conversation at the moment, like a morning debrief. They took turns at dropping in after work, not that Ruzek talked much. Ellen or Janet would fill them in on the baby and they would cuddle her and tell her how much everyone loved her.

"He is scared that he won't ever love Matilda. He was hating himself for blaming Matilda for Kim's death." He rubbed his aching arms. "He was having a bad day."


	8. Chapter 8 - I want to feel something

Something had to happen. They had left Adam alone for a while, hoping that as time went on her would start to show an interest in his baby girl but he wasn't. They then started pushing him a little and he would make the odd comment or decision but it wasn't enough. Ellen had gone home for a few weeks and Janet had moved in. They did talk about just leaving him alone with her but that wasn't fair to Matilda. He had no idea about how to look after her and they were scared to think what may happen to her, not that they were worried Adam would hurt her in anyway, but presently he had no idea what she needed. He had to be ready to love her as well as care for her welfare. In the two weeks since she'd been home he had held her briefly once but he hadn't fed her or changed her diaper. They just existed in the same universe.

Once Janet had asked him to pick up some formula and diapers when he went out to sort things out at the bank and he came home without them. He dropped some money on the bench and told her to order them online if she couldn't go out and get them. Janet called Erin and she bought them over.

Janet pointed to Adam sitting outside in the swing chair staring off into the distance. He heard the door open and did his best not to roll his eyes at Erin presence. He knew he was about to get another lecture about what he was doing, or more precisely…not doing. "My mother called?"

"She did. She needed me to pick up some stuff for Matilda."

Adam leant forward and buried his head in his hands for a brief moment. "I tried." He sounded so broken. "Some lady asked me if I needed help. She said that Dad's always had that confused look on their faces." He squeezed his hands together and took a long slow shaky breath. "She laughed and said that these days most Mother's sent them along with a photo of what to buy. I left. I couldn't do it."

"Oh Adam." Erin grabbed his hands and he let her hold them for just a moment. Oddly he hated people touching him at the moment, it made his skin crawl. It was irrational but if he couldn't have Kim touching him he didn't want anyone. "At least you tried. I know it must have been hard, but you tried."

"I want to feel something. Other than this, this hurts too much." He clutched his chest. "My chest hurts all the time. The only time I don't feel like I am in pain is when I am asleep. I wake up in the morning and just for the briefest moment I forget. I think maybe she's at work and will be home soon and then I realise my chest is hurting and I remember why."

Janet crept into her Adam's bedroom the next morning and laid Matilda down bedside her sleeping son. When Adam woke, he was surprised to see her but he rolled out of bed and walked out of the room leaving Matilda asleep in his bed and eventually Janet ended up going and getting her when she woke. It became somewhat of routine. Janet wanted to give up so many times but she was encouraged to continue. Those moments that Adam stayed with her were getting longer each day and she suspected that he wasn't always asleep when she came in but he would wait until Matilda was in bed with him and just lie there with her for a few moments and that was all he could manage and he never talked about it.

One morning he woke and Matilda wasn't there. He felt a surge of panic until he heard her cries from the other room. He heard another voice in the apartment and found Sgt Platt cuddling her when he got up. It no longer felt weird to see her there. A few weeks ago the thought of the crusty desk sergeant sitting in his house would have been absurd but as he always expected, she wasn't as crusty as she seemed. He said good morning to Platt and his mother, grabbed his coffee and headed outside.

The next morning when he woke she was back. Janet could hear him softly talking to her. "I miss your Mom so much it hurts." He felt his heart soften as she looked up at him; he noticed her wide brown eyes and long eyelashes. Just like her mother. "I love you so much Matilda." It was the first time he had called her by her name, she was three weeks old and for the first time he'd acknowledged his daughter, the daughter he helped make, the daughter he so desperately wanted to love. "I'm scared that it's not going to be enough." He reached out to touch her hand and she instantly curled her tiny hand around his finger. Adam cried.

Janet shed a tear when Adam came out holding Matilda. He handed her to his mother and she could see that he had been crying. He said nothing. Adam made himself a coffee and took it out onto the balcony and sat in the swinging chair and stared into space like he did every morning. Janet wasn't sure whether to talk to him about what just happened or not.

When she put Matilda back down to sleep she nervously asked if Adam minded if she just popped down to the shops to get some groceries. He looked panicked and jumped up quickly. "I'll go." He wasn't ready to be left alone with her yet. He knew it had to happen eventually but he wasn't ready. He was still reeling from the feeling of holding her and how much he liked it and how protective he felt. He didn't know why it scared him, that brief moment of happiness that he'd felt. Maybe he felt guilty because he shouldn't be feeling happy.

He had to fight every muscle in his body not to get up out of the bed, like he usually did and leave her. When she held onto his finger he found his thumb stroking her tiny hand. It was soft and so small but she held onto him tightly it was like she was making sure he wasn't going to run.

They lay there for a few moments looking at each other before he lifted her up and held her against his chest, close to his heart. She snuggled her head under his chin and he closed his eyes. It was just a few minutes of a father with his daughter. It was a dream come true and then he looked at the empty side of the bed and the nightmare returned.

He wandered around the Supermarket in a daze. Life went on. He'd never thought about it before. With all the death and mayhem he saw, he never saw the other side. He had comforted so many people as they dealt with the initial trauma of death and tragedy but he never saw what happened next. He never knew what happened when days turned to weeks and life continued on. When everyone went back to their own lives, work and families, how did these people keep going? As he walked up and down the aisles he looked at everyone else. What was their story? Did they have one? Were people looking at him and could they see his story? His pain? Did people know he was walking through this world alone?

Again he was in the baby aisle. This time he was more prepared, he had made his mother write down exactly what he needed for Matilda. He didn't want anyone to ask him if he needed help. Formula, diapers, wipes, some type of cream…shit this stuff was expensive and she needed a lot of it. Walking past a gift shop on the way out of the mall he paused briefly when a soft grey sad looking donkey caught his eye and he decided to buy it. The lady behind the counter asked him if it was a gift and could she wrap it for him. "No, it's for my daughter."

"Oh lovely. How old is she?"

Adam had to stop and think. How long had it been? "Almost a month, I think." He stuttered. How bad did that sound; that he didn't know how old his own child was. _Fuck, this was hard_.

Janet said nothing when he came home and placed the donkey in her bassinette and laid his hand on the sleeping baby, feeling her tiny body rise and fall with each breath. He still hadn't stepped foot into her nursery so they made sure she slept in the lounge during the day. His mother took a photo of the toy in her cot and sent it to Ellen, Amanda and Erin. Every tiny step of progress was documented and celebrated. _'Adam came home with this today. He put it in her bed as she slept.'_ She had already spoken to them both when he went out to inform them about the morning they'd had. Today was a big day.

Again he made himself a coffee and took it outside with the paper and tired to lose himself in the news for a while. He had heard Matilda wake through the half open door. "Do you want to feed her?" His mother appeared and was holding her and a bottle in front of him.

"I don't know." At least it wasn't a flat out no like every other time he was asked. "I don't know how."

In the end he didn't feed her but he did come inside and sat with them. "She's doing okay isn't she?" He had asked his mother while she was feeding her. "You'd tell me if there was something wrong."

"Adam, Matilda is doing really well, she's a beautiful baby. There is nothing to worry about." As soon as she had finished Adam held out his hands and Janet handed her over. He took hold of her gently and stroked her foot softly. He spent and hour with her before putting her back into her bed, but not before he gave her a soft little kiss on her head.

"Oh my god." Erin's phone had beeped just as they were getting home. "Look." She showed it to Jay. Adam was lying on the couch with his eyes closed and he had one hand protectively holding onto Matilda who was asleep on his chest. Tears streamed down her face. It was a beautiful photo, so perfect and he finally looked like he wasn't in pain, he looked almost content. They had waited for this moment, this was everything they'd worked for and hoped for.

It would be another day before he fed her. Rather than get Matilda out of bed when she woke Janet would wait and Adam would come and get her. He still didn't talk to her much especially when other people were around but when he was alone with her they could hear him talking to her, softly and sweetly. During the day he would sometimes take her outside and sit in the swinging chair and just be together and everyone let them be.

He was nervous the first time he bathed her, terrified she was going to slip out of his hands and it took forever to get her dressed again because she wouldn't keep still and he didn't want to hurt her. Every time she cried he worried about what he was doing. His mother would reassure him that he was doing fine, that he wasn't hurting her.

At night he would take the Bassinette into his room and that's where she slept. Once the ice was broken he went from nothing to everything in an instant.

It was at night that Adam would sit up with Matilda and tell her about Kim. He would tell her how much he loved her mother and how she would talk to her everyday while she was growing inside her. He recalled how excited she was the first time she felt her kick and how she cried the first time they saw her heartbeat on the tiny screen. He told Matilda how he could see how much her mother already loved her when the moment she was laid in her arms. It was the briefest of looks, but he saw it and he felt it and he wanted Matilda to always know it. He was falling in love with their daughter. Well to be fair, he had always loved her now he was allowing himself to feel it.


	9. Chapter 9 - It did & then it didn't

Adam fumbled with the straps on her car seat. His fingers felt too big for the buckle, he felt clumsy and Matilda still seemed to small for his hands. He was pretty sure that the reason for his anxiousness was because he was scared. Walking back into the District threatened to bring everything rushing back to the surface. "I'm not very good at this am I?" he looked at Matilda who was suddenly wide-awake and she stared back at him, giving him nothing as he popped the pacifier into her mouth.

He chatted away to her as they picked their way through the parking lot. It was a warm day and he didn't want to keep Matilda out for too long in the sun. The things he worried about now made him laugh. Was she too hot? Too cold? He was hot in his jeans and short-sleeved shirt so he hoped the little yellow dress and matching shorts he had chosen were cool enough for her. He even laughed at himself when he dressed her that morning as he commented how pretty she looked in yellow. What had become of him? Tough cop maybe, besotted Dad absolutely.

He stopped at the top of the stairs and took a deep breath, looked down at his daughter and held onto her just a little bit tighter before pushing open the door. Platt saw him first and just about jumped over the counter leaving two very bemused looking Patrol Officers in her wake. "Oh look who's here." She rushed at him, her arms wide and hands twitching until she got hold of Matilda. "Hello beautiful girl." She cooed before turning to Adam and squeezing his arm. "It's good to see you both out of the house."

"I thought it was time. We had our well baby check today."

"And?"

"Apparently we are both doing what we should be doing. I am not stuffing up too much." He nodded, willing the tears not to fall. He had already sat in the car after seeing the Doctor and cried; he wasn't embarrassed by his tears anymore and usually didn't care who saw them but he didn't want to cry here. Kim should have been here for this. These were the moments that he found the hardest along with the nights. He hated the nights; sitting alone in the dark feeding Matilda gave him too much time to think and too much time to miss her.

"Of course you're not stuffing up, I mean look at her, she's perfect."

Slowly he was starting to come out of the fog that had surrounded him for weeks. It was lucky you didn't have to remember to breath. This had been his first week alone with Matilda. He actually begged his mother to go home after he assured her that he was quite capable of caring for her, he'd been a diligent student over the past few weeks and as he reminded her, even if Kim was still with him he would be learning on the fly. He needed to give it a go, he needed to be alone with Matilda and start his life with her.

Matilda's appointment hadn't been as bad as the one he had with Kim's OBGYN. He needed to know what happened that day, however painful it was going to be. Going back and reliving that day was emotionally draining and he knew that it put him in real danger of crashing back to the beginning again. "What went wrong?" Adam breathed out slowly; his voice had an unmistakable tremor.

"Sadly your wife was one of the rare instances that there was no warning signs. Her pregnancy was unremarkable." Adam frowned at the Doctors choice of words. Unremarkable…he thought it was amazing, actually it was damn near perfect or so they thought. "What I mean by that is that she had a textbook pregnancy, there were no red flags."

"I don't understand what happened."

"When Kim delivered your baby the placenta did not release easily from the uterine wall, instead of just coming away her uterus ruptured. As you know there are some major blood vessels involved that kept your baby alive and growing. The tear was significant and we did perform a hysterectomy to try and stop the bleeding but the damage had been done. It took too long to control her bleeding and that sent her into cardiac arrest. We got her back and were hoping that they hysterectomy would be enough. It is a big call to make as obviously that would mean that you could no longer have children but that is preferable option considering the alternative. However in Kim's case, despite trying to replace her blood volume twice the trauma was too much for her other organs to cope with."

"It was the pregnancy that caused it?"

The OBGYN tried to find the words to explain that while it was a pregnancy related event it wasn't his fault. On the fortunately odd occasions when he had to explain to a husband or partner why they were now a widow most of them sat opposite him wondering the very same thing. "Postpartum haemorrhages are rare and unpredictable. I wish I could have saved your wife and we did our best."

"I know; I am not blaming you." Adam tilted his head to the side "Not today anyway." He forced himself to smile. He had definitely blamed her Doctors on more than one occasion.

"It was nothing you or your wife did or didn't do."

He wasn't sure if it made things better or worse, he wanted something to cling to, some reason to explain why this happened to them. He wanted something that he could tell Matilda when she was older as to why her mother left her. Adam didn't take Matilda with him, he had left her at home with his mother and after the appointment he stopped by Kim's grave and sat for two hours and let it all out.

His mother still came over everyday and Janet would do the laundry and cleaning and cook him meals so that he could just focus on Matilda, being a father was his job now until he went back to work. He had three months off and half of that was already gone. Matilda was just starting to become more aware of things around her and he had even gotten a smile, which melted his heart. Those moments were so bittersweet. And of course he was also the Intelligence Unit's Special Project; lucky he liked them…most days.

Whenever he had the chance he was trawling the internet trying to figure out if he was making the right choices for Matilda, he obsessively researched her milk and ended up changing her formula because he found something he thought was better. That wasn't an easy or pleasant experience. The first site he went to told him that Breast milk was perfect for babies. Well that wasn't possible, or fucking helpful. He slammed the lid of the laptop shut. Everywhere he turned there was information about how all a baby needed was breast milk, how much better for them it was and what a terrible thing formula was. That was great, if you had a mother. _Excellent….guilt on top of grief_.

He read about her social development and would sing and read to her and he talked to her constantly. They'd spent the first three weeks in silence and now he wouldn't shut up. He didn't want her to miss out on anything just because she didn't have a mother. He wanted Kim to be proud of the job he was doing with their daughter and he wanted to make it up to Matilda for those first few weeks that he missed.

Adam had gone from not wanting anything to do with her to not wanting her to be out of his sight. He needed to work on that otherwise he was never going to be able to go back to work. Platt was happily chatting away and introducing her to anyone who was in the vicinity before he had time to change his mind and turn and run. "You're Daddy's going to have to watch those boys upstairs. I think they are a little bit in love with you. I can see why."

Erin heard the unmistakable sound of a baby's cry. Not just any baby, it was Matilda. She'd know that cry anywhere as they had heard it often enough. She smiled at Jay as she jumped up from her desk and ran down the stairs. Adam heard the gate open and wasn't surprised to see Erin practically bounding towards them. "I wasn't sure you'd come."

Adam had promised Erin that he would stop by on his way home but until he walked through the door she didn't believe it. He often backed out of things because he felt overwhelmed and uncertain. He didn't like crowded situations when people were constantly at him and he hated people's pity and worse still he hated it when they started crying. He would find himself apologising to them, which was stupid so he just decided to avoid them as much as possible. They had yet to get him out to Molly's for a drink when his mother was still staying, now that he was by himself he was even more reluctant to leave her.

"Neither was I." Platt handed Matilda over to Erin just as she started to ramp up her crying, her little legs kicking and her arms waving wildly. It had been a big morning and he knew she hadn't had as much sleep as she needed. "She's hungry. I better get her home." He held out his hands towards Matilda but Erin turned towards the stairs.

"Come on up. We are quiet, everyone would love to see you." She took off up the stairs, he was pretty sure Erin wasn't giving her up anytime soon and if he wanted her back he would have to go and get her. He looked at Platt who just shrugged and he followed his rapidly disappearing daughter up to the bullpen.

He heard Platt turn to the two Patrol Officers she had left standing at the desk when he arrived and bark "What are you still doing here?" and he smiled to himself. Some things never changed.

They all knew that he needed a little push sometimes. It had to be gentle and he certainly let them know when it went too far. "Look who is here?" Erin announced excitedly. Every one may have been happy to see them, and Matilda was definitely more popular than him but he didn't feel the same sense of excitement. He stood back and now that he had a moment to breathe it settled uneasily on him and seeing his desk caused an unexpected pain in his chest. He turned away from it and tired to focus on everyone else. Matilda cried louder, letting everyone know that it was time for lunch and he rifled around in her bag and handed Erin a bottle of milk and she sat down at her desk as everyone crowded around them both.

Adam looked at his desk again. He had been sitting there, finishing off some paperwork when Kim had called him to tell him that she was in labour. She had been going it alone at home for four hours and wanted him to come home now. Sitting on the corner of his desk was a photo of Kim; he had only just put it there a few days before he lost her. She was heavily pregnant and he had taken it a week earlier and she looked so happy and comfortable in the swinging chair on their balcony. He often took Matilda out there when she was fussy and they would sit in the chair and let the gentle swinging motion soothe them both. He wondered if she remembered being here before she was born. Adam had bought the chair for her early on in her pregnancy and she loved it and the bigger she got the more time she spent in it.

They had debated whether to remove the photo before he came back to work but didn't want to upset Adam one way or the other. It had to be his decision. Right now he was feeling okay about seeing pictures of Kim, by tomorrow he could feel completely different. He really was just taking it a day at a time, which was an improvement. Initially he was just trying to exist from one hour to the next.

Al saw him staring at his desk before he quietly slipped down the corridor. He followed him slowly but his pace quickened when he heard the sudden crash of a metal locker. Adam was slamming his fist against his locker door and was pushing so hard he knocked two of them over. "Hey, Hey." Al grabbed his shoulder. "You know how much Platt hates people breaking her stuff."

He sat down heavily on the bench. "I didn't think it would feel like this."

"What? Being back here?" Al leant against the lockers that were still standing and watched him struggle to keep everything under control. They had already talked about how it was going to feel coming back here for the first time and the best way to handle it. Until he actually walked through those doors they could speculate how it was going to feel all they wanted. Reality had smacked him in the face so often lately and it hadn't been kind.

"Yep. The last time I was here Kim called me. She was in labour. I left here thinking my life was about to change, for the better. It did and then it didn't."

The sound of the crashing lockers had bought almost the entire team running and Al held up his hand to stop everyone charging into the locker room. Everyone desperate to help him and Voight had done his best to manage their time so that someone always was able to get away in the evenings or weekends if needed. It grated on Adam's nerves some days but he had learnt to grin and bear it.

"This was never going to be easy."

"Al, please don't tell me to just be grateful that I have Matilda, that I have to be strong for her, that I am lucky I have a beautiful daughter. I am sick of hearing that. I don't need that from you of all people."

One thing Al had always given him was honesty, from day one. Whether he wanted to hear it or not. He didn't sugar coat things and it was exactly what Adam needed. When everyone was tip toeing around him early on and they were all trying to get him to acknowledge the baby, Al never pushed Matilda on to him. He never told him that he needed to see the baby when he couldn't be around her, he never told him that he was lucky to have her or that Kim would hate what he was doing. He never told him that he was avoiding being a father to her. He knew he needed time and he would get there eventually because he knew him better than most.

"I don't need to tell you that because I think you know it already. I know you miss Kim, I know this sucks big time. I know this is all bullshit and fucked up. I don't know how you feel or how hard it is for you to be here today but I know you and I love you and I am proud of you." He rested one hand on the side of Adam's head and let him lean against his hand for a few seconds.

"Thanks Al." He ran his hands up and down his thighs. They both heard Matilda cry. Adam pushed himself up off the bench.

Before Al let him go he threw an arm around his shoulder. "Hey. You're doing good kid." Al couldn't have been prouder of him. He had been dealt a savage blow, one that had the potential to make a man buckle at he knees. Hell, he wasn't sure had he been in that situation he would have been able to cope but Adam had. Sure he still stumbled every now and then, he still cried, he was still angry but he was fronting up each and everyday for that girl. And that made Al damn proud.

As soon as he took Matilda back she quietened down, it was like she knew exactly what he needed. She would cry at times and he had no idea why or what to do but she seemed to know when he needed her to comfort him. When he was feeling particularly sad she would quiet down as soon as he picked her up and snuggle into his arms and they both drew comfort from each other. Everyday he was seeing more and more of Kim in her. Some days he loved it and some days it hurt like hell.

Voight called Ruzek into his office and had barely got through the door before Voight had whipped Matilda from his arms. He had a soft spot for babies and missing his Grandson as much as he did he was happy to let Matilda fill that hole. Olive had left Chicago after Justin's death; she couldn't handle being around the place anymore. Adam couldn't think of being anywhere else, he needed to be close to Kim and this was her home. "How you doing? Both of you?"

"We are okay. I don't think I have damaged her too much yet. Apparently despite my shambolic attempts at fatherhood Matilda is meeting all of her milestones" Voight was watching Matilda drift off to sleep. "We are doing okay."

"I know you've still got a few weeks to go but have you put much thought into what you want to do about work? Do you want to come back to Intelligence?"

"Yep." He didn't even hesitate as he sat back in his chair and crossed his feet at the ankles. "Not quite sure how I will pull it all off though."

"What do you mean?"

Voight noticed that he was wringing his hands nervously. "I don't like leaving her with anyone."

"You know, you can go back on Patrol, take a more structured job. Everyone is on board with that, even if it's just for a few months until you get back into the swing of it."

"No way. I couldn't stand it. Kim would hate me giving up Intelligence. She knew how much I love this job." He shook his head.

"Adam things change."

"I need to be back up here. I need life to return to normal." He leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He clasped his hands together to stop them shaking. One thing he was dreading was being told he couldn't come back to his job. He needed to be back with his family. "Well as normal as my life can be right now. Please Boss I need to come back."

"Okay but we have decided, as a unit that initially you need to pull back a little. No weekends, limited nights and I won't be sending you Undercover anytime soon."

"Boss…"

Voight held up his hand to stop him. "Adam, we want to do this for you and for Matilda." He looked down at the baby in his arms as she slept peacefully in his arms. "We all want to help you take care of your daughter. We love this little girl." He ran his finger down her arm and stroked her hand. "She's not going to be a baby for long and before you know it you are sending her off on her first date and wondering what happened."

"Not something I want to think about."

"I look forward to seeing you back at your desk." He stood up and handed Matilda back to his father. "And anytime you are struggling or need some time let me know."

Adam, with Matilda tucked up in one arm shook his Boss's hand. He knew he was making the right call coming back here. It was where he belonged.


	10. Chapter 10 - A Tribe in her Corner

"Kev, man. Leave my girl alone." Adam warned him as he kept peering into the cot. "She's asleep."

"She actually sleeps like you when you are passed out drunk." Adam looked over his shoulder. Matilda was in her usual sleeping position, flat on her back with her arms flung wide above her head. She looked like a starfish and no matter how much he had tried to keep her wrapped up she somehow managed to get her hands free.

"Funny guy." He slapped his hand as it crept towards her. "Leave her alone."

"But she hasn't seen her Uncle Kev for a whole week." He pouted as he leant closer to the sleeping baby. "She'll forget all about me."

"Whose fault is that?" He dragged him from the room by the arm when he heard a knock at the door. He didn't trust Kevin not to try and wake her up and he had only just gotten her to sleep. One thing he had learnt very quickly was whenever possible you did not wake a sleeping baby. "You were the one that bailed the other night because you had a better offer."

"Hey, you won't let me date her so I gotta find love somewhere else."

Adam closed the door quietly behind them and pushed Kevin down the hallway. "You do know how wrong that sounds, right?"

"Hey Amanda." He gave Kim's sister a quick kiss as he opened the door. Each time he saw her it was getting easier. She reminded him so much of Kim and initially he found it hard but he was getting there and she had been a godsend to them both. He always felt he could ring Amanda if he was worried about Matilda and she would calm him down and never made him feel like he was incapable. His mother sometimes made him more nervous with her fussing. "Hey Zo." He flicked Zoe's ponytail playfully as she bounced through the door. They were babysitting for him but Zoe was disappointed that Matilda was already asleep. Given half the chance he was sure Zoe and Kevin would have been back in her room in a flash.

It had taken him a couple of weeks to summon the courage to go into her nursery. Gradually everything he needed ended up in various places around the apartment so that he didn't need to go in there and she slept in a bassinette in his room at night. If he walked past and the door was open he would close it quickly. In those early days it was a bridge too far.

It was when his mother left him alone for the first time overnight that he took a deep breath, clutched Matilda to his chest and opened the door. Kim had done a beautiful job. He had been stunned when he saw the cost of fitting it out but she wanted it to be perfect and she was so excited and happy that he couldn't deny her anything. The white walls and furniture were contrasted with greens, greys and yellows, it was soft and soothing exactly the way Kim wanted it.

Adam didn't want to find out what they were having but Kim wasn't good with surprises. On her birthday he would have to give her a present the night before because she couldn't wait and then give her something else on her actual birthday and Christmas, forget it. It was a military operation and required every one of his undercover skills to hide her present from her. On the odd occasion he relented and went shopping for baby stuff every time Kim rejected something because it was to girly or boyish she grumbled that if they knew what it was they would have a problem.

Of the many things he wished were different that was one of them. If they had known what they were having Kim could have had more time getting to know her, they could have been more decisive on names and he wouldn't have let her go nameless for weeks. The moment she was born Kim would have known her daughter. Looking around the room now, perhaps she did know. It wasn't that the room was girlish but the animal prints, muted colours and white furniture certainly didn't scream a boy either. He could feel her presence and it felt comforting as they settled into the rocking chair and let it all wash over him.

He had a few hours away from Matilda some days to go to the gym or run some errands but this was the first time he was going out at night and socialising. Atwater was here to make sure he actually left the house. They had tried over the last few weeks to get him to come to Molly's for a drink but he had baulked every time, always using Matilda as an excuse. They couldn't argue with that but Erin had finally called in Amanda and gave him no way of wriggling off the hook

These were the hardest for him, the first time he did anything without her.

He was still dealing with the fallout from attending a single parent support group. That had been his mother's suggestion and he knew it was a bad idea but agreed to go just to stop her nagging. They were either stay at home Dad's or bitter single parents with limited time with their kids. No one was like him.

Some part of him was hoping that he would find someone to connect with which is why he agreed to go yet once he saw the pity in everyone's eyes he gave up and never went back. It set him back a little and reminded him at how alone he was in this world. He had to be happy with his lot in life at the moment. They had friends and family who supported them and that had to be enough right now.

"It's just you and me Tilly." He looked at her that evening and smiled as she curled the corners of her mouth and watched him intently. She constantly surprised him; how she responded to his voice and his touch. They would sit in the rocking chair in her darkened nursery and sing to her and she would slowly drift off to sleep. "We can do it, right?"

Adam rattled off a list of instructions for Matilda, feeling suddenly panicked. He looked at the list again to make sure he had covered everything. For someone who could barely remember to water a plant he had become a master at time management and organisation as long as he had a list. Amanda laughed as Kevin rolled his eyes. "Adam you do know that Zoe used to be a baby? We've got this."

"I know." He bounced lightly on his heels. "It's just…" she rested a hand on his arm.

"The first time." She finished his sentence and he just nodded. "Call as often as you want. I swear I won't bitch once about how annoying you are." She laughed and pushed them both towards the door. "Kevin, for the love of god take him now before he finds some other reason not to leave."

Molly's loomed large in front of them. In the car on the drive over the closer they got the quieter Adam became and the more Atwater talked. He blabbered on constantly but what about he wasn't sure. He appreciated the effort. "You good man?"

Adam dragged his vision away from the darkening evening. The nights were starting to hold a little nip and he made a mental note to make sure that he picked up some warmer clothes for Matilda. "Yep"

"Bro, you can let me know anytime that you've had enough, but not for a least an hour." Kev shot him the biggest grin he could. "Depending on the ladies, maybe two."

"I thought you were off the market?" Adam seriously hoped they weren't thinking about a woman for him. That was not happening, not now, not next week or anytime in the foreseeable future. He had proven to himself that he didn't need to be with anyone when he pulled himself out of the game when Kim dumped him, he certainly didn't need it now. He had to admit he had felt very little desire or urge in that regards in the last two months or so.

Kev winked at him. "I am allowed to window shop."

Adam had prepared himself for it as best he could and graciously accepted everyone's welcome, even though they were a little over the top but after a couple of drinks he started to loosen up a little. When he felt himself sinking he felt for the chain around his neck, the one that held Kim's wedding ring. He had slipped it onto the chain in the days after she was taken for him and now never took it off. Her engagement ring was safely tucked up at home but he needed to feel close to her this helped him navigate his darkness moments. His wedding ring was still on his finger, he was still married, and he was still married to her. Kim was his wife.

Antonio slipped into the stool beside him. "So back at work in a couple of weeks? You ready?"

"Not really but life goes on hey? I am sure once I get back into the swing of it I'll be fine." He really did miss work and was always more than happy to hear about what was going on with the team it was just the leaving of Matilda that he was struggling with. On the odd occasion he did stop in at the District he couldn't help himself and would sit in on case discussions and try and help. Matilda would often sleep in her pram in the corner and they were happy to let him stay, obviously he couldn't really be involved but it made him feel better to still be in the loop. "It's not so much work I am worried about, it's leaving Matilda."

"Yeah but how good is going home at the end of the day gonna be?" Antonio, having kids of his own was a great support to him. When he rocked up at the Gym he would often talk about them and how he managed to be a Cop and a Dad. Adam appreciated that every member of the team bought something different to the table as he tried to find his place in his new world.

At odd times through the night he felt a flash of guilt for enjoying himself, he would feel bad because for just a moment he almost forgot and he almost felt happy. He leant on the bar talking to Otis who was busy regaling him about Cruz's latest dating attempt and he had just noticed something near the till behind the barman when they were interrupted by the strange woman who had sidled up to the bar. "What's good here?" Adam heard the voice beside him. It sounded a little sickly sweet and made the hair stand up on the back of his neck and not in a good way. Probably not the effect she was hoping for judging by her appearance and overly gushy smile and they way she leant a little closer to Adam.

"Beer." He answered flatly as he moved away from her. Otis looked relieved, he didn't need to tell the interloper to back off because Ruzek shut her down. He picked up his beer and headed back towards the table full of Intelligence, he went scuppering back to his safe place. The woman turned her head and watched him go and Otis reached across the bar and tapped her hand bringing her attention back to him. "Is he going to be part of the next ladies night raffle?" she asked hopefully.

He shook his head. "No and I suggest you turn your attention anywhere but that table. Especially him, he's off the books."

"Checking in?" Erin noticed him looking at his phone. He had already called Amanda just as they arrived at the bar and had sent her a couple of texts.

"Yep."

"And?"

"She's good, sleeping peacefully although I am sure Amanda would be telling me that even if she was screaming the house down. Which I might add she has been known to do. The last week has been insane which is apparently not unusual at this age although it's not entirely pleasant." He showed Erin a photo of Matilda sound asleep before he slipped his phone back into his pocket. "Can I ask you something?"

Erin nodded. "There is a jar behind the counter, the tip jar. It says 'For Matilda' on it. What's that about?"

"The guys here are donating all their tips to Matilda." Erin watched him carefully trying to judge his reaction. Sometimes he appreciated the support he was getting and other times he got frustrated that people didn't think he was capable of caring for his daughter. "There is more."

"Such as?"

"Ladies night, they raffle off a date with a Fire-fighter and Severide had them raking it in. They also managed to rope in Clark from over at Med and I think Connor Rhodes is next on the slab. They have raised some serious cash to help you out with looking after Matilda when you go back to work. And the District has raised some money too."

He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears not to fall. Erin jumped out of her seat and came and flung her arm around his shoulder as she whispered in his ear. "They wanted to do it, they all loved Kim and they want to help you and Matilda. They don't want you to worry about paying for things; they want you to be able to just be her Dad. Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad."

"We weren't sure."

"I just hate it, I hate it all. Feeling like this, it hurts so fucking much." He sighed and angrily flicked a random tear from his cheek. This had sent him spiralling towards the bottom and he struggled to pull up before he crashed and burned. "But I get up everyday because of Matilda and I know she has all these amazing people around her that love her and that's a good thing, right?"

"And you too. Those same people love you too." Erin pressed a brief kiss his temple, wary of drawing too much attention to them. He would hate that; he didn't want people to be sad around him.

He was overwhelmed when they presented him with a cheque for Matilda for $5K. It seems that plenty of people were willing to pay for anything to do with fire fighters and women were happy to bid on a date with Kelly Severide. Ladies night at Molly's was a raging success, if not a little wild and all proceeds were for Matilda.

It was the first time he spoke publically about losing Kim. "I don't know if I can even get through this, but I will give it a go." He felt Jay's hand on his back, Atwater stood on the other side. "Thank you. I don't know how to thank you all enough for your generosity and support. I know I probably haven't made things easy for a lot of you at times and perhaps you don't feel like I noticed all the things people were doing for us, but I did and I appreciated it all. More than anything I was comforted to know that everyone loved Kim and she is so sorely missed. I miss her every second of everyday and I am trying to hang on to every glimmer of hope." His voice started to wobble and he took a deep breath and stepped a little closer. "Matilda is that hope and although I didn't expect all this, it will help her have the life she deserves. The life Kim and I wanted for her." He turned away from the crowd into the protective embrace of his family.

Herrmann and Severide filled him in on the Ladies night fiasco and he couldn't help but laugh at their animated description of the night and banter. "He had to jump over the bar to save himself. Next time…."

Kelly held up his hands. "Whoa Herrmann, who said anything about a next time." he protested. "That chick I went out with was fucking batshit crazy."

"Toughen up Princess. It's for a good cause."

"True story." Adam agreed, nodding as he laughed and slapped Severide on the back. "Thanks though. It means a lot."

"As long as I get to take her out on her first date I'm happy."

"You think I am letting you get your hands on my daughter? It is kind of freaking me out, both you and Atwater want to date her and she's what 10 weeks old. It's disturbing."

Severide snorted as Herrmann laughed. "Hey I can be the complete gentleman. Just ask the crazy chick, I am sure she was hoping for me to be a little less gentlemanly."

"And if you had been a little less gentlemanly imagine the crowd we'd get next time." Muttered Herrmann as he poured Severide another drink. Adam shook his head when he offered to top him up. He had no intention of going home drunk because getting up two or three times to Matilda whilst hungover was far from appealing.

"Stop trying to be my pimp." Severide had no such qualms as he knocked back the shot. "Anyway surely next time it's up to the 21st to put some meat on the slab. Halstead will do."

"Good luck getting that past Erin." Adam muttered although he was pretty sure they would do just about anything for Matilda if asked.

"How was she?" Adam made Amanda a coffee when he got home. It wasn't a late night and he certainly wasn't drunk although the edge had been well and truly taken off. It was the first time he'd had more than one drink since he had taken over looking after Matilda full time. He'd had one night not long after she was born where he wrote himself off completely. It dulled the pain momentarily but the subsequent hangover piled on top of his crushing grief was unbearable, so he pulled back. It would have been easy to drink his pain away on more than one occasion but that pain was still there the next day. It changed nothing.

"Slept like a baby, much to Zoe's disgust. She was hoping for a little more action."

"I bet she won't be saying that when she is awake and screaming for a bottle at 3am." Zoe was staying the night; she had already crashed out in the spare room and had begged to stay. It was the only reason she agreed to come with her mother. Adam was more than happy for her to sleep over as it would give him someone else to talk to in the morning because Matilda wasn't exactly the conversationalist.

"So the million dollar question. How was your night?"

"Pretty good. You'll be glad to know I wasn't a complete miserable bastard." He reached into his pocket and handed Amanda the cheque. "They did this for Matilda."

Amanda gasped when she saw the total. "Wow."

"Yep. I may have been a bit of a blubbering mess then but I pulled it together." He smiled a little. "It's pretty good huh? They want it to help out."

"It's great." Even Amanda had tears in her eyes. "This kid has a tribe in her corner."

Voight was surprised to see Bob Ruzek sitting in his office. How far had they come? The last time he had set foot in the 21st he refused to come upstairs not wanting to give Voight the upper hand. Back then he had hated the thought of his son working in Intelligence and more than that, he hated him working for Voight. Over the years he had accepted it to a point because Adam seemed happy and all the information he received told him that he was doing well and had flourished in his Unit. His son was becoming a bloody good cop and for that he was damn proud.

"Bob." He shook his hand. "How you doing?"

"You know. Busy as always. Serving and Protecting."

Voight leant back in his chair, he had a feeling he knew exactly what this visit was about but he wasn't in the mood to make it easy for Bob. They may have reached a mutual level of civility but friendly they were not. "What can I do for you Bob? I assume you are not here to give me a pep talk."

"I'm here about Adam." He looked Voight straight in the eye. "I'm not sure Intelligence is the right fit for him anymore."

"Has he said something?" Voight had already had this conversation with Ruzek and he had insisted that Intelligence was where he wanted to be. He would be surprised if that had changed considering the amount of time of the past couple of weeks he had spent sitting in on cases. Some days they needed to literally push him out the door.

"No. Not to me but do you really think he can be up here and look after Matilda?"

"We will soon find out."

"And that's good enough for you I suppose?" he leant forward and narrowed his eyes. "You know as well as I that he is too stubborn to admit he can't do something."

Voight crossed his arms across his chest. "So you want me to kick him when he's down. Tell him he can't come back and do the job he loves?"

"It's not about that. It's what's best for both of them."

"He's family. He wants to come back. If he comes to me in a week, a month or a year and says he can't do it I will support him 100%, but right now he promises me he wants to be here surrounded by this family and we will do whatever we can to help."

"He doesn't want to let anyone down."

"You know what Bob. You underestimate your son. He's a bloody good cop, one of the best I've had the pleasure of working with and I absolutely want him in my unit but Matilda comes first and I will make damn sure he knows that."

"I don't underestimate him. I just know how loyal he is to this unit, perhaps to his detriment."

Voight stood up and offered Bob his hand, signalling that they were done. "You've raised a good man. We've got his back."

The one time Bob had tried to bring it up with his son he was firmly put back in his place. "It's my job, it's what I am good at and I know Kim would not want me to give up."

"It's not about giving up, it's about Matilda."

"I can be her Dad and a cop. If you don't want to help me do that, fine tell me now and I will sort something else out." He felt like his Dad had ambushed him and was undermining him, putting doubts in his mind. He had already thought long and hard about where he now found himself, he had a lot of time at night to do that and it always came back to what Kim would want. She would want him to do what he loved. Half his world had been obliterated in the blink of an eye; he desperately needed the stability of the Intelligence Unit.

He needed to figure it out himself what was right for him and his daughter and all he wanted was for people to let him do that.


	11. Chapter 11 - You are a little Superstar

"So Matilda Grace…." Adam scooped some warm water over her stomach and watched as she squirmed in his arms, her little arms and legs kicking wildly. The bath was full enough so that she was floating in the water, which she loved and he chuckled as she splashed so much that she spluttered a little when the water landed on her face. "It's a big day tomorrow for you and for Daddy." She smiled up at him and he waited for her to respond. "I know baby; Daddy's going to miss you too, so much."

Initially he would be excused from the late nights and weekend work but that couldn't last forever and nor did he want it to. It wasn't fair to everyone else in the team if he didn't pull his weight. He had no right to stay in Intelligence if he couldn't do his job however much he appreciated the effort they were all putting in for him and Matilda.

His mother would have her three days a week and his Dad and Stepmother had her for one and Amanda had cut back her work one day a week to take care of Matilda. Once she was a little older he would look for a Day Care centre or Nanny to help out but he wasn't ready to hand her over to strangers just yet.

Matilda snuggled into his arms for her last feed and when she drifted off to sleep he held onto her for a while. "I think your mom would be proud of both of us." He whispered. "We have done okay. I am not fucking you up too much am I?" Everyone kept telling him that he was doing a good job but in the back of his mind was always a nagging doubt that he could do better or that there was something else he should be doing. "I know she would be proud of you because you are a little superstar."

He still hated the nights; that was when he missed Kim the most. Once Matilda was asleep the place always seemed too quiet and empty. His mind would drift off and he could imagine them collapsing on the couch together at the end of a long day and laughing at how they were barely functioning as human beings and parents. He would fall sleep on the couch for as long as possible to avoid going to his empty bed and when he finally crawled into bed he would fall asleep clutching the wedding ring around his neck and worry about how he was going to make it through another day without her.

They had got married not long after they found out they were pregnant. It wasn't Kim who pushed for the wedding; it was Adam. He didn't like the thought of not being married to the mother of his child; it felt unnatural all of a sudden. When they talked about trying for a baby it didn't even cross his mind but once that test came back positive he needed to marry her. It had been a year since they finally agreed to put the whole Roman fiasco behind them and give it another go and they had decided to not think about getting married just yet, to focus on just putting their relationship back together and once they had done that they had just slipped comfortably into life. Obviously they had both done a lot of growing up and soul searching and learnt to communicate much better this time around.

It was planned in a rush and Adam had suddenly found himself in a flurry of wedding planning with a determined Platt leading the charge. She had no intention of letting him bail on this one. Kim was keen to get it over and done with before she was the _'side of a house'_. They had one of the best days of their lives, their wedding day was perfect and he had never seen Kim look so happy or beautiful. He cherished those memories and her wedding ring around his neck. His ring was still securely on his finger and he had no intention of taking that off anytime soon, it kept her close. And Matilda; they were forever linked by her. The girl they made together.

Before he started back at work he did the one job he was dreading. He couldn't bear to walk into his room some days and open their closet. Seeing all her clothes still hanging untouched for months felt like he was being stabbed in the chest repeatedly. His mother offered to help but it was something he needed to get through by himself. It was going to hurt, he was going to cry and he didn't want anyone to see that. He pulled out every piece and let the memories crash over him in waves. The dress she wore when they celebrated their engagement, her work clothes and her gym gear, they all held different memories for him. Some still held the lingering smell of her perfume and he held them close and breathed it all in.

Matilda stirred and he sat on the floor amongst her stuff while he fed her and then worked through her jewellery, picking out pieces to give to her sister and Zoe and things he wanted to keep for Matilda. He also put something aside for Erin, to thank her for being Kim's friend and for being in Matilda's guardian angel when he couldn't.

It was a long day that left him emotionally battered and bruised. What he was noticing though was despite the moments that still hurt like nothing else he could pick himself up quicker and get back to living. It was another reason he was grateful that he had Matilda; he couldn't wallow in his grief for long because she needed him to be on his game. She needed him to be everything.

When Matilda woke early the next morning he was happy to have her in bed with him for an hour before he had to get up. From the moment he opened his eyes he knew this day was already going to be harder than he expected. Leaving Matilda and going back to work and back to the memories of her mother felt almost insurmountable. It was the place he met her and fell in love with her. They had flirted and danced around each other for months. He was engaged to Wendy at the time but the moment he met Kim he knew something wasn't right and when Wendy finally broke it off he felt guilty because all he felt was relief. He knew Kim was right for him; she fitted him best, she made him better. He was a better version of himself because of Kim. It obviously hadn't been all smooth sailing but he had loved her like no other.

When they broke up he never imagined anything hurting as much as that did but then again you don't imagine having to deal with death. The wedding vow of 'til death us do part was meant to mean years not months, they were supposed to grow old together and watch their children grow into adults. Within six months of being married he was a widow. When he had envisaged his future this was not something he ever imagined and he had no idea how he was supposed to manage it.

One thing he did do before he went back to work was sort out Matilda's future. He had mulled over it for weeks trying to imagine what Kim would want and what was best for her and it always came back to the same thing. They had been lucky, in one sense that they had so many people willing to step up and help but that was the easy part. He knew that she had so many people who would do anything for her, but would they be willing to take that on full time if the worse should happen?

Going back to work wasn't an option and he had no hesitation in that regard. He needed to keep living his life too but that didn't mean he didn't worry about Matilda. Both his parents had made sure that it was top of mind by trying to talk him out of starting back with Intelligence, that Matilda was his number one priority now and he had to do what was best for her. It was a slap in the face that they thought he wasn't thinking of her, everything he did now was for Matilda and she deserved him to be the best Dad he could be and to do that he needed to be happy and working in Intelligence made him happy.

Amanda's tears were not unexpected. "I know I am asking something huge of both of you and you don't have to answer right away, but I want to know if something happens to me that you will take care of Matilda."

"Adam, of course we will." She looked at Peter who was nodding without hesitation. They didn't need to even think about it. "But nothing is going to happen to you. I know it."

"I certainly hope so and I plan on walking her down the aisle one day but I just wanted to make sure. I know it would be what Kim would want too."

Clipping his star to his belt was comforting, he turned it over in his hand a few times before slipping it into it's familiar position on his hip, it was comforting and something he felt he was good at. He was good at being a cop. He didn't know if he was good at being a father but he was trying his best and he hoped his best was good enough. He knew he still had mountains to climb and going back to work was one of those mountains. They had no idea if he could make it work. Sure there were millions of single parents in the world and they all managed and he knew it was going to be hard and he actually liked being home with Matilda; it felt safe. He was leaving his safe place.

He turned his head when Matilda started babbling. She had really found her voice in the last week and she would often respond to Adam when he spoke and he was going to miss their chats during the day. He hoped that she would be up for a chat when he got home, they would have a lot to talk about. Right now however she was having a 'conversation' with her hands. "What's that?" he asked her as he picked her up off her floor rug and held her up in the air before bringing her down to kiss her nose. "You going to miss me too?"

Al was waiting for him, leaning against the trunk of his car and handed him a coffee when he arrived. "So, who cried more?"

"Me, obviously me. Matilda didn't care." They sat on the trunk for a few moments. Al watched him from the corner of his eye; they needed to make sure, for all their benefit that he was able to do this. If he couldn't, if he decided at any point that this wasn't for him anymore that was okay but they didn't want to find that out when it was too late.

"You ready?"

"It seems a little surreal to be honest but I think I need this. We both do."

"We've missed you. The place is quiet without you annoying the crap out of me. You keep me young." Adam fell silent, trying to psych himself up for the day ahead until Al patted him on the back. "Come on let's go."

"Well Well. Look who's back?" Platt peered over the tops of her glasses. "If it isn't my most annoying Intelligence Officer. How long before you start giving me grey hairs again?"

"It's good to see you too." He winked at her on his way up the stairs.

"Hey." She called out. "Don't think you are getting past me without some kind of photo ID."

"You know who I am." Adam paused with one foot on the bottom step and looked back over his shoulder at Platt.

"Not of you." She rolled her eyes. "Although I know you've always been more than a little happy with yourself. Matilda, unless she is starting to look a little too much like a Ruzek and if that's the case then keep walking."

He showed Platt a video of Matilda 'talking' that he had taken last night as she lay in his lap. "Happy now?"

"It'll do for now."

As a few more people started to wander through and started to welcome him back until Al tugged on his elbow. "We've got work to do." And they retreated upstairs. Ruzek hadn't said anything but Al had the feeling that this was going to get on his nerves very quickly. Feeling pitied had always been one of his biggest fears; he hated seeing that look in people's eyes. He didn't need it. People didn't need to remind him of what he had lost; he had felt it every minute of every day for the past three months. He carried it with him constantly, the ache in his chest and the overwhelming sense of loneliness he endured lying in bed at night and waking up alone each morning.

"Welcome back Bud." Jay slapped him on the back as came out of the locker room and passed him on the way to his desk. "Ready?"

"As I will ever be. I am kinda hoping something jumps off, just something easy so that I can stop worrying about not being at home and missing Matilda."

He ran up the stairs to his apartment at the end of the day. He had spoken to his mother half a dozen times throughout the day and Matilda was fine but he couldn't wait to see her. It was the longest he had been away from her in almost three months. Adam was disappointed that she was asleep when he got home. "How long has she been asleep?"

"Half hour." Janet had written down her whole day. Adam liked details, he felt in control with details. What time she slept, what time she was fed and all the other little details that a few months ago would have sent him running from the room. He had never been known for his organisational skills or his attention to detail.

"How was work?"

"It felt weird being back but it wasn't long before something jumped off and we were out the door and the day flew by after that. I certainly hit the ground running and I am shot to bits."

He grabbed a shower once his mother left and then bounced around anxiously waiting for her to wake. The first noise she made he was in there in a flash. "Ah my baby girl." He scooped her up and clutched her to his chest, breathing her in. "I missed you so much."

They lay down on the floor together and chatted away to each other. He smothered her with kisses, tickled her toes and did absolutely nothing other than 'hang with his girl' until she decided that enough was enough and then it was time for her bath and bed. After he fed her he was happy to lie on the couch with her asleep on his chest while he watched TV. The few hours he had spent with her weren't enough.

"We did it Darlin'." He kissed her cheek as he tucked her up into her bed. "Day one done and dusted."

By the end of the week he was exhausted. Work had been full on, and when he was there he busted his arse even taking reports home to get them done once Matilda was settled. He was determined to pull his weight. One thing that had been good was they were so busy that he didn't have much time to give into the memories of Kim at work. He avoided the locker room as much as possible and chose to use the back entrance in preference of going through the front foyer. Seeing the Patrol Officers coming and going was a little jarring especially when he saw Kim's partner, Julie with her new sidekick.

Matilda, in general slept pretty well at night. Usually when he hauled himself up off the couch around midnight he would give her a small dream feed and that tended to get her through until about 630am or 7am if he was lucky. Some nights it didn't work but in the main she was good and for that he was grateful.

Being a single parent was by far the hardest thing he had ever done. His day started somewhere around 6am so that he could have a shower and a coffee at least before Matilda woke and he fed her before he left for work. His mother looked after her at his place but he did drop her off at his father's place on the way in and Amanda would meet him at the District and take her home. That at least gave Platt and the others the chance to see her if they were around.

Most nights he got home somewhere between five or six. It took everything he had to be fully focussed at work and then switch off and give Matilda everything she needed and deserved when he was at home.

No one could ever accuse him of not trying his best. He was giving it everything he had.


	12. Chapter 12 - Cancelling Christmas

Adam felt weary as he trudged up the stairs. The last few nights had been rough. Matilda was teething and up and down all night. Eventually he just bought her into bed with him in the vain hope she would be more settled but it didn't really make that much of a difference. The only benefit is that he doesn't have to get out of bed to settle her down he can just open his eyes because despite having a whole bed to spread out in Matilda always ended up close to him and because she was restless she was kicking like a mule at the moment. Who knew babies moved so much in their sleep?

One benefit of her being up so early was that he had her at his father's place before breakfast and headed into work. The earlier he got started on the pile of reports the better if he had any hope of getting home at a reasonable hour and because she was so unsettled lately he wanted to get home to her and be the one to get her into bed. Routine, all the books talked about was routine and god knows he was tyring to go by the book. Pity Matilda couldn't read he often lamented.

He was surprised to see a brightly wrapped box on his desk. It was almost Christmas, their first Christmas and it should be exciting but to say he wasn't looking forward to it was an understatement. If he could have just avoided it all together he would have but that was unlikely and he was determined that for Matilda's sake these occasions had to be enjoyed and for him, he would do his best just to endure it.

He read the card that was secured to the red and green wrapped gift with a gold ribbon.

 _'Merry 1_ _st_ _Christmas Matilda Burgess.'_

It seemed odd and he turned it over in his hands a few times looking for a clue as to where it had come from. Nobody called her Matilda Burgess. Her name was Matilda Ruzek, not many people even knew that one of her middle names was Burgess; he certainly never mentioned it when people asked her name. He looked at the card again and it suddenly hit him. The cramped messy writing, he'd seen it before. He grabbed the box and flew down the stairs.

"Sarge." He barked, dropping the gift on her desk. Platt glared at him and pulled the pile of papers out from under the box he had unceremoniously dumped it on. "Where did this come from?"

"What? It's a Christmas present for Matilda."

"Where did it come from?" he asked again through slightly gritted teeth.

"I don't know. It was here when I got in this morning. Why?" She pulled her glasses down her nose slightly and peered at him looking completely annoyed by his presence. He appreciated that it didn't take Platt long to get back to ragging on him at work once he returned. At home, with Matilda she was a completely different beast. She was a little like a toasted marshmallow, crusty on the outside and a little burnt but soft and gooey on the inside. "You suddenly going all Grinch? Cancelling Christmas?"

"It's from Roman." He leant his elbows on the desk and inched closer so that no one could eavesdrop. The last thing he wanted was to start the rumour mill. This place was a cesspit of gossip.

Platt leant forward, mimicking his actions. "What? How do you know that?"

"The writing on the card. And nobody calls her Matilda Burgess. It's from Roman. How did it get here? Is he here?"

"Whoa, slow down. I don't know. It was here when I got in, I took it up and put it on your desk."

"Get rid of it." He shoved it across the desk. "I don't want it."

By the time Al arrived Ruzek was no doubt back at his desk and stewing on it. Platt had done her best to talk him down off his ledge but she was pretty sure she had failed as he had stormed back upstairs. Platt called Al back as he tried to sneak past her like he did most mornings. "He's up there, and not happy. Someone dropped off a Christmas present this morning for Matilda. He thinks it was from Roman."

"Sean Roman?" Al leant one elbow on the desk.

"How man other Roman's do you know? Yes Sean Roman. He's pissed." Platt was a mixture of annoyed that Olinsky was being, well typically Olinsky and concerned at how this was going to affect Ruzek. He was doing great, probably better than she had initially expected but they were always on edge because he was still prone to moments of doubt and anger and on the odd occasion he had probably gone a little harder at a suspect than he should have. This had the potential to knock him off his axis again and that was something they were all keen to avoid.

"Did he drop it off himself? Is he back in town?"

"I don't know."

Adam was hunched over his desk when Al got up there. He sat on Atwater's desk and folded his arms across his chest and waited for Ruzek to acknowledge him. He didn't. "You okay kid?"

"Yep." Adam didn't look up from the report he was working on.

"You don't look it."

"I'm fine Al, really." Leaning back in the chair he forced himself to smile. "See." Before returning his focus to the report.

"I've never lied to you so don't lie to me. Platt told me about the present."

"Of course she did." Al could tell by the tone of his voice he wasn't surprised, annoyed yes but not surprised.

"What makes you think it was from Roman?"

He knew that writing because he had seen it on enough arrest reports but it was the letter he had seen in Kim's apartment that he remembered the most. Kim had opened the letter without knowing it was from him, just after they decided to try and work things out. She promised him that she wanted nothing to do with him, that it was over, a mistake and she had completely cut him out of her life. She unfriended him on Facebook and blocked him. She wanted to prove to Adam that she was serious about repairing their relationship. She had made sure he saw the letter because she didn't want any secrets or things to come back and bite her later. He had taken her at her word and never had any reason to doubt Kim, but this guy he wouldn't trust as far as he could kick him.

"I know the writing and who else would call her Matilda Burgess? Seems the kind of dick thing he would do."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing." He threw his pen on the desk, ran his hands roughly through his hair and wheeled around to face Al directly. "I am certainly not giving her the present."

"You know he did care about Kim."

"So what? He also manipulated her into breaking up with me so he could move in on her and because of that I lost almost a year of the life I wanted with Kim. So forgive me for not wanting to be best buddies."

"Hey, I'm not saying you need to be buddies but carrying around this hate is not healthy."

"Stops me hating other things."

"Such as?"

"Myself." Al leant over and rested a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. "By hating him I can ignore everything I did wrong."

"Don't go there. You worked it out in the end."

"To what end? To become a widow with a six-month-old baby. Great fucking success this has been."

"So that part isn't great but you had a wife who adored you, you've got a daughter who adores you, that's more than a lot of people ever get."

"Not great?" He was starting to question the validity of Al's Pep talk. "It fucking sucks big time Al."

"I know it does. Don't let Roman get you all worked up. He's not worth it."

"I just don't get why he is so fucking focussed on Matilda. Turning up at the hospital trying to see her, now this. I don't trust him. I don't know what he's up to and it scares me."

"Maybe it's nothing, maybe he just wants to know that she is okay because she is part of Kim."

"And what if it isn't?"

As they heard the gate open Adam grabbed his cup and headed into the break room indicating to Al that he was done talking about it. For the past six months Al had spent enough time with Ruzek to know when he wanted to talk and when he wanted to be left alone. Right now he wanted to drop the whole conversation and focus on work. Being at work was a relief from the crushing grief he lived with. It hadn't got any easier, it was just different.

"Mouse." As soon as Ruzek and Halstead headed out to follow up with a couple of CI's Al approached their tech wizard. He had kept an eye on Ruzek all morning and perhaps it was only him that noticed his agitation, he had called his father four times checking in on Matilda. He was spinning. "Can you trace someone for me?"

Mouse cocked his head to the side and smiled his all too familiar lop-sided smile. He had lost count of how many personal favours he had done for this team. Perhaps he should start charging? He'd make a mint. "Sure. A new boyfriend for Lexie?"

"Sean Roman." Mouse's smiled faded as he nodded. "I just want to know if he's in Chicago."

When Erin heard his name she stopped what she was doing. That name instantly set her on edge. She had never forgotten how angry Adam had been when he found out that Roman had been at the hospital, she had borne the brunt of his wrath that day. "Al?"

"Don't worry about it." He brushed her off. Ruzek didn't want to talk about it and he probably didn't want everyone to know about it. They would all start fussing over him and telling him not to worry about it and that would piss him off even more. He appreciated everything people were doing for him but sometimes he needed them to back off.

Mouse dropped the note on Al desk a little while later and whispered. "He's in Chicago." Al leant back in his chair and blew out a long slow breath. Antonio watched him from across the room; he came and sat on the edge of his desk.

"What's eating you old man?"

"Did you know that Sean Roman was back in Chicago?"

"No, I don't hear from him. He sold out of the gym when he left. Why?"

"He's stirred Ruzek up. There was a present delivered for Matilda today. Matilda Burgess. He recognised the handwriting on the card and now he's freaking out and you know what he gets like when he gets a bee in his bonnet." Al leant forward in his chair. "Hey, let's keep this to ourselves. He doesn't want or need everyone hovering over him."

"What do you want to do?"

"Have a chat."

"Let me do it. He knows you're in Ruzek's corner. Let me have a chat and see what it's about."

Al agreed and Antonio promised to keep him in the loop. He handed him Mouse's note and he grabbed his jacket and headed out. Fortunately as the months had passed they had to do less and less of this, diving in to stop Ruzek spinning out of control. Antonio found him exactly where Mouse said he would be, in a bar.

"You guys are good." He muttered as Antonio pulled up a stool next to him.

"How's it going Roman?"

"You know. Happy to be back." He rolled his eyes as he took another mouthful of beer. "Although I forgot how brutal the winters are here. How's the gym going?"

"It gets by."

"Soooo." He drew out the word. "You are not here to talk about what a raging success your business has become and that I was a fool for selling out?" Antonio just shrugged and waited for Roman to continue. "What then?"

"You came by the District this morning?"

"Nope." He ordered another beer.

"You got someone to drop something off for you then?"

"Ahhh, you guys upstairs always working. I guess that's why it's called Intelligence." He tapped his temple with one finger as he sneered. "Can never get anything past you?"

He threw some more money on the bar. Antonio was starting to get pissed off with him and the fact he seemed to be enjoying it. "So how is Kim's baby doing?"

"Ruzek's baby is doing fine."

"How pissed do you think Ruzek would be if I asked for a DNA test?" Antonio clenched his fists and then suddenly let them go, shaking off the tension. This guy was seriously pissing him off. Even when he was still a cop there was always some uneasiness to their relationship with Roman, with all of them. You never quite knew where you stood with him and whether he was straight up trustworthy of not. Ruzek certainly had little time for him and he generally seemed to have a good gut feel for people.

"What?"

"Just kidding. I know it's not mine. Would be fun to watch Ruzek lose it though."

"What have you got against Ruzek? What did he ever do to you?"

Roman shrugged. "I guess I'm just pissed that she loved him and not me."

"So by hurting Ruzek and their baby that makes you feel better?"

"I would never hurt Kim's baby." Roman's eyes flashed angrily and Antonio was a little taken aback. Ruzek had a bad feeling about all this and now so was he. He took a deep breath and tried to think of something to say that would put all this to bed.

"You are hurting her, by stirring up Ruzek it's affecting Matilda. Just leave them alone." Antonio patted him on the back as he stood up to leave, although he doubted they had heard the last of Sean Roman, unfortunately. "If you do we won't have a problem."

Roman watched Dawson leave and chuckled to himself as he finished off the rest of his beer, grabbed his change from the bar minus the tip and walked out. He had somewhere to be.

Adam rugged Matilda up as he got her out of the car. She had been at his father's all day and he was surprised how bitterly cold to had become in the last few days. He really did need to find a new place to live that was better set up for a baby. Perhaps he would eventually look for something with a yard for when she was running around but the thought of taking care of a garden, mowing the lawns left him cold. He was not a handyman by any stretch of the imagination but it would be good for Matilda to have space to run around. And a garage would be great, because this parking outside in winter seriously had knobs on it.

He stopped dead in his tracks and instinctively put his hand over Matilda's head and held her tightly against his chest.


	13. Chapter 13 - I loved her too

"What do you want?" He was grateful that he had grabbed a rug from the car to throw around Matilda to protect her from the icy night chill, now he was using it to protect her from him. He pulled it further up over her head and could feel her struggling against him. She hated having her head covered and even keeping a hat on her head was a struggle. The moment he put a beanie on she would reach up and tug at it until it either slid over her face and she cried or she got it off altogether. It was a constant battle. "Sorry Baby." He whispered to her. "It's okay."

"Look. I am not here to cause trouble."

Adam headed towards the door. He swiped the security sensor and tugged on the door with his free hand as Matilda continued to whimper and squirm in his arms. She could feel when Adam was getting agitated and would start to fret. He was still whispering to her quietly trying to reassure her that it was okay. Every single one of his nerves was on edge as he swung into full protection mode and his heart was thudding wildly in his chest and he was sure Matilda could feel it.

"I just want to see her baby."

"No."

"You know I loved her too."

"Fuck off Roman."

He lurched forward and grabbed the door before Adam could close it. Matilda's bag fell from his shoulder and Roman reached for it. "Don't." Adam growled. "Don't fucking touch it."

"I know you and I had issues, but I loved Kim. I never wanted anything bad to happen to her."

Adam picked up her bag and tightened his arm around his daughter. He punched the elevator button and waited impatiently for it. When it didn't arrive instantly he decided to take the stairs. "You done? You need to leave or I will call it in."

"For what?" Roman yelled at his retreating frame. "For wanting to see Kim's baby? You're a fucking heartless prick you know that Ruzek. She wouldn't be dead if it wasn't' for you."

By the time he got upstairs Matilda was crying and he wasn't far behind. _Keep it together_ , he chastised himself. He sat down on the couch and tried to soothe his little girl and calm himself. They both just needed a moment to breathe and draw comfort from each other. It was only the fact that he had Matilda that stopped him from beating the shit out of Roman. He rubbed her back tenderly and buried his head into hers trying to let her sweet warmth and smell soothe him before he reached for his phone.

"Al." his voice was shaky and Al was instantly on alert. It wasn't the first time he'd got a call like this in the last few months and after the events of the day he wasn't surprised. Antonio had called him and told him that Roman was playing some kind of game, he just didn't know what it was yet. "Roman was here."

"Where? At your place?"

"Yeah, he ambushed me outside. He wanted to see Matilda." He could hear that Al was already on the move and he knew he was on his way.

"Hang tight Kid. You didn't do anything did you?"

"I had Matilda otherwise I would have fucking laid him out." Adam was now pacing back and forth and Al could hear Matilda crying in the background. When Adam initially tried to put her down she refused to let go of him but he finally managed to prise her off him she threw herself on the floor and screamed before rolling over and trying to manoeuvre her way towards her Dad. He had to put her down, he was scared he was going to drop her or hold her too tight and hurt her. As soon as he got off the phone he picked her up again and held her close until her sobbing subsided. "I'm sorry Tilly, it's okay." He repeated. "Daddy's got you."

By the time Al got there he had a good look around outside and there was no sign of Roman.

Roman had taken off knowing full well that Ruzek would probably call someone and he didn't want to deal with that, he'd had enough of Intelligence already today. _'Fucking Prick.'_ He had seethed as he got into his car. All he wanted to do was see Kim's baby. He was so close her. In all honesty he could have taken Ruzek, knowing full well he was vulnerable with her in his arms and could have grabbed her and seen her and had part of Kim again. That's all he wanted, to see Kim again.

"He's gone." Al took Matilda from Adam's arms. "Shh little one." he jiggled her in his arms and kissed her soft dark hair. Adam leant both hands on the kitchen bench and took a few deep breaths.

"Fuck Al, What's he doing here? What does he want?"

"I don't know Kid."

"He told me it was my fault. That Kim would be alive if it wasn't for me." Angrily he swiped at a cup on the bench and sent to crashing to the floor and shattering into pieces. It startled Matilda and she started crying again.

"Hey, hey. Calm down." Al knew that Adam often still blamed himself for what happened. He still went through stages of extreme guilt believing that the only reason she was in the position to have that haemorrhage was because she was pregnant. He got her pregnant. Rationally he knew that it wasn't his fault and there was no way of knowing that something like this was going to happen. It didn't make it any easier though and he certainly didn't need people pointing that out especially not Sean Roman.

"Can you stay with Matilda?" Adam grabbed his keys and phone from the table where he had thrown them when they came in.

"Hey Kid, come on. Let it go. Don't let Roman get under your skin. He's not worth it."

"I just need to clear my head."

Al wasn't playing this game with him, he never played games and one thing Adam always appreciated was that Al gave it to him straight and called him on his crap. He might not appreciate it at the time but in the cold hard light of day he would. "Bullshit. You've got no idea where he is; you are not driving around Chicago looking for him and I don't trust you not to end up locked up for doing god knows what if you did find him and that's just what Matilda needs, you in jail or hospital. You need to stay here with Matilda."

He threw his keys back on the table. "I don't want him anywhere near Matilda. I don't fucking care if he loved Kim, she didn't love him. I know that, I know it. She didn't love him." The devastation and desperation in his voice surprised Al.

Kim had told him that Roman declared that he loved her…. _probably_ when he asked her to move to San Diego with him. It was then that she realised how big a mistake it was and that she knew deep down that even had they stayed together she never would have loved him. She was hurting and Roman was just a rebound. Adam had asked her, with trepidation if she still felt anything for him and she said no. She was adamant about that.

"Of course she didn't. She loved you, god knows why sometimes. I used to scratch my head and wonder why but I think I know now. She saw this in you." He ran his hand over Matilda's head softly having successfully calmed her down. "She saw how loving and devoted you were to her and she knew you had it in you to be a great father to her children, she knew how big your heart was. Nobody else saw it, but Kim did. Don't let her down."

"I want to protect Matilda from everything. I don't know what he wants and it scares the crap out of me."

"I know, Kid. I know." Al knew what he was about to say was not going to be well received but he threw caution to the wind. "Why don't you ask him? Talk to him?"

'Why should I? I don't owe him anything. He screwed with me; he screwed with Kim. Give me one good reason why I should give him what he wants?"

"Because he's still screwing with your mind and you are letting him."

"I don't want him anywhere near Matilda. I have to protect her, it's about her and I only want people in her life that I trust. I don't trust him."

"I am not saying you have to let him see Matilda, he does not need to be part of her life ever. Why don't you just talk to him? Then you can decide what to do, when you find out what he wants and why he wants to see her so badly."

"I've already decided."

Al blew out a long slow breath. One of his strengths was his ability to keep his voice calm when the situation needed it and god knows it was needed right now. "Okay, so you'll just continue to freak out, get worked up and pissed off then. Good to know."

Al took a step back when Adam swung around and he could see the absolute hatred and anger on his face. "What the fuck do you want me to do?"

"Let go of the past. Let go of what happened, let go of the anger and the bitterness and the fear. He can't take Matilda from you. I know you feel like he took Kim from you for a while but he can't take Matilda from you. She's yours, all yours." Al was rocking from side to side as Matilda curled up in his arms and rested her head on his shoulder as her eyelids grew heavy. It was well past her bedtime but she still hadn't had a bath or bottle. "Nobody can take her away from you. Matilda needs her Daddy here with her and that is you."

Two days later he found himself walking towards a café, wanting to get this over with. Roman didn't see him come in and jumped a little as he silently slid into the booth, taking a seat opposite him. "Ruzek." Roman eyed him suspiciously. There was no love lost between the two men. Adam unceremoniously dumped the present that had been left at the District on the table unopened.

He didn't order a coffee while Roman played with his cup nervously. When Adam spoke he barely managed to conceal his contempt. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"This obsession you have with my daughter. Why?"

"It is also Kim's daughter." He corrected him. He couldn't help himself and he knew he was doing himself no favours by further pissing Ruzek off. The text message from Ruzek had been a surprise; he would have never expected him to be the one to reach out to organise to meet. Not that he was under any illusion that it was going to be a friendly chat. He glanced around but couldn't see anyone else but he'd be surprised if he were here alone. Intelligence had this annoying little ' _you don't go anywhere without backup'_ motto.

Adam repeated his question slowly and deliberately. "What is your obsession with my daughter?"

"As much as I know it kills you to admit that Kim and I had something but we did. I loved her and I think I always will. I was devastated when I heard she'd died but knowing that there is a little part of her still in this world made it easier to bear." His steely blue eyes never left Ruzek's face, which was still spilling hatred from every pore. "I guess I just want to say goodbye to her one last time, see that part of her so I can let her go."

"She's not Kim."

"It's her daughter."

"She's my daughter and I will do whatever it takes, whatever I feel I need to do to protect her. You don't want to test me on that. You've got no idea what I would do for Matilda."

Roman stared at his hands for just a moment before lifting his gaze again. "You won okay, you won. You had Kim. Is that what you want to hear? I wanted her too but she wanted you and I hate you for that."

"Dude, you are not helping yourself here."

"I loved Kim. Please let me say goodbye to her?"

"You've said goodbye to her. You were at her funeral." Adam sat back a little and rolled his shoulders trying to ease the tension within them and he could feel the throb of a headache starting. "Did you think I didn't know? I also know tried to get into see my daughter at the hospital. Trying to lie your way in, so you can see why I have no inclination to let you anywhere near her. You are a fucking lying prick."

"I think if Kim had been here still she would have wanted me to see Matilda. You may not have liked me but she certainly did." His lip curled slightly when he saw a flash of anger in Ruzek's eyes.

"Don't bet on it." Adam snorted; the guy was delusional. It took all his energy to stop himself from leaning across the table and punching him square in the face. "She never talked about you, except to remind me what a mistake she had made by screwing you." He had no idea how hurt Kim had been when she realised what Roman had been doing all along, the games he had played with her.

"When you and Kim got back together she cut me off. Who's decision was that?" Roman's smirk was involuntary, whenever he was on the back foot it was almost his default position and people often misread his intentions. He wasn't trying to be smug or smart, he was hurting.

Adam answered without hesitation. "It was Kim's. I didn't ask her to do anything. It was her decision." He remembered that Roman had virtually kicked him in the balls a few nights ago when he said it was his fault that she was dead and that probably made him stick the knife in a little more than he intended. "Because she didn't love you and regretted letting you screw with her mind and manipulate her. It was the biggest mistake of her life and in all honesty she hated you for what you did. She never forgave you. She wanted to erase you from her memory, and she did. You didn't exist anymore."

"That would have made you happy?"

"I gave up worrying about you a long time ago." Adam leant forward, his eyes hard and his face determined. "I guess it's probably the only way I can get you to fuck off for good?"

Adam leant back and nodded and from behind them Al approached carrying Matilda. She reached out her arms towards her Dad and Adam smiled up at her as he took her from Al. The infant buried her head in Adam's shoulder as Roman leant forward a little too eagerly. He reached out one hand but Adam protectively placed his hand on her back and turned away slightly to shield her from him.

"She looks like Kim. She's beautiful."

Matilda peered at him from the very protective arms of her father and Roman could see her beautiful big brown eyes. "Are you happy now? Are you done?"

"Can I hold her?" They were both surprised at the tears in Roman's eyes but it wasn't going to soften Ruzek's stance. This was all he was going to get and even that was a compromise. He'd argued with Al about it and finally relented in the hope that it would give him some closure. Al was right in one regard; he was letting Roman get under his skin and the only one who was suffering was Adam and that inturn that was affecting Matilda.

"No." Adam eased his way out of the booth and never gave him a backward glance as he walked away. They were done, he felt like shit and hoped that Al was right because he didn't have the energy to keep fighting.

Roman sat back heavily, deflated and defeated yet again as he watched Ruzek leave. He caught one last glimpse of Matilda as he left. All along he hoped that it had been Ruzek that demanded that she cut all ties with him. Then he could hate him for that. He hoped that she actually didn't want to do it because she didn't regret what they had, that perhaps somewhere there were still some feelings or at least good memories. The realisation that he was hanging on to false hope was like losing her all over again. This was the third time he had lost her and each time hurt like hell.

Al rapped his knuckles on the table bringing Roman's attention back to the present. "So we are good now? You'll leave them alone, right?" It really wasn't a question; it was more of a statement and just so there was no room for misunderstanding he added. "I swear to god, Roman. Don't push us." It was his last warning.


	14. Chapter 14 - We've Made it

Adam felt a hand on his face. A warm hand was patting his face gently "Da, Da, Da.". Slowly he opened his eyes and smiled at the perfect little face peering back at him. Her brown eyes wide with wonder, like they were each morning. Each day was a new surprise; there was something new to learn, to discover and to explore. It was yet another day for her to live and grow.

"Happy Birthday Darlin'." He rolled onto his back so that Matilda could crawl over him. "Give me a kiss." He demanded playfully and Matilda responded with her usual enthusiasm. If there was a better way to start the day he was yet to experience it.

He was determined that this day, Matilda's first birthday was going to be a happy one. Her birth was only celebrated for a few minutes and she deserved this day. He wanted to make it up to her. No matter what the next day held for them, and he wasn't particularly looking forward to tomorrow, this day would always be celebrated. The day his world changed for the better. One thing that had provided him with some comfort was that because Matilda was born so late at night that the clock had well and truly ticked over midnight by the time the Doctor shattered their lives. They were two separate days and he was going to try his best to make sure it would always be remembered as such; he couldn't have his daughter growing up carrying that burden. Life and death were two separate things.

Adam returned her kisses, smothering her with love. Without a doubt she was the most important thing in his life, she was his whole world. Right now crawling over him, squealing and chanting his name was the most beautiful living thing, his daughter. Kim's daughter. And her life was a celebration of everything good in the world.

It wasn't long before his phone started beeping with messages and they dragged themselves out of bed. He hadn't had to do much for her party; that had all been taken care of by his mother, Amanda and Erin. Ellen had flown in from New York; there was no way she was missing her granddaughter's first birthday and he had taken Ellen out for dinner with Matilda last night.

"Can you believe we've made a year?" He dropped some toast on the tray of her highchair. They were having breakfast with Ellen, Amanda, Peter and Zoe but it would be impossible to let Matilda wait that long. She barely made it half and hour after waking before she demanded food. She was such a creature of habit. "And all without too much damage hey?"

She lifted her arms and banged them loudly on the tray before stuffing another piece of toast into her already overfilled mouth and clapping. "And today, is party day. I am so not looking forward to the sugar rush later on but you and I are going to eat cake." He touched the tip of her nose with this finger and laughed as she tried to grab it. Adam sipped on his coffee; he was a creature of habit too. He tried, at the very least to have this time in the morning, time to just sit and talk to her because he was never quite sure what the day would bring. Sometimes he got half an hour, sometimes they got five minutes but he treasured every single one of them. Matilda had made him slow down a little and take a moment to appreciate that you didn't always need to be on the move. Life wasn't meant to be a race.

His next-door neighbour, Val had become his nanny, which worked perfectly for them. She would take over in the evenings from his family if he was working late and he could call on her if he got called out in the middle of the night and she would sleep in his spare room. Fortunately Matilda also loved her. He did feel guilty that he wasn't around all the time, some nights he never made it home in time to see her before bed and he hated being called out on weekends but if he wanted to stay in Intelligence he needed to pull his weight. He couldn't expect everyone else to carry his load forever.

Holding onto her Daddy's hand she toddled up the path to Amanda's house and she babbled away happily. He wasn't quite sure how she had become a morning person; it was a trait she got from neither of them. The last thing both Kim and Adam wanted to do was get out of bed in the mornings and until he'd a least had a coffee he wasn't worth talking to but Matilda was up and at them the moment she opened her eyes.

Only last week she had taken her first steps and Adam had missed them; his mother had sent him a video at work and he wasn't the only one that shed a little tear as they watched her wobbly effort. If anyone had seen the Intelligence Unit right then the fearsome reputation they had would have been shot to bits. Even Platt was a little overcome despite her assertion that she just had something in her eye!

Matilda was still crawling more than walking but she was definitely getting more confident as the days went on and she was more than happy to hold onto someone's hand and walk. It was just slow going, snail like sometimes and Adam had to walk with a slight stoop to hold onto her hand. As soon as she was through the door she dropped to her knees so that she could get to Zoe quicker. Those two were as thick as thieves. Zoe adored her cousin and even being a surly teenager half the time didn't stop her from turning to putty the moment that Matilda arrived.

Adam saw Ellen from the corner of his eye wipe away a few tears as she watched her two grand daughters together, the only two grandchildren she would ever have. He looped an arm around her shoulder. "Hard to believe huh?"

Ellen rested her head on Adam's bicep as he squeezed her hand. "She's so beautiful Adam, she looks so much like Kim did as a baby."

"I know. I used to hate it but now I love that she reminds me so much of her. Even some of her personality traits are straight from Kim. It's amazing."

"I'm so proud of you."

"I promised Kim I would make her proud, that I would take care of Matilda. Everyday I do my best and I hope she is as much in love with Matilda as I am."

"I'm sure she is." She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek.

Adam frowned a little when he saw how over the top they had all gone for the party. They had taken over a large portion of a local park. Balloons, streamers, tables and chairs in various shades of pink abounded, the girls had crowns to wear and even Zoe happily donned hers, there was a bubble machine along with a huge cake and more sugar laced foods than you could possibly ever want.

They didn't know many people with kids but Herrmann's tribe, along with Louie and Terrance from 51 filled the kid quota. Mainly it was adults in attendance but it was certainly a celebration. Matilda buried her head in Adam's shoulder as they sang 'happy birthday' a little bit overwhelmed by all the fuss and attention so he ended up blowing out the candles for her.

"Thanks for all your Birthday Wishes. I am sure Matilda will enjoy getting stuck into all her new toys when we get home, although I am not sure where I will put them all. I can't believe it's been a year since this world became a better place for having Matilda in it. She was a light in the dark and a distraction, but more than that she has been an absolute joy. I also want to thank each and every one of you for your unending love and support for the two of us, I know I wouldn't have made it without you. You are special people and we are glad you are all part of our life."

The sugar rush certainly hit and then she came crashing down in a screaming heap. His evening wasn't pleasant and he finally got her to sleep in her own room. He knew she wouldn't stay there long and he wanted her in his bed tonight because tomorrow he didn't want to wake up alone.

Jay and Erin had come back to his place with them and they ordered some dinner while he dealt with Matilda.

Jay handed him a whiskey when he came out. "I know that I am not the gushy emotional type but I just want to say something. I think you are amazing, I think you have done an unbelievably awesome job raising Matilda. I know Kim would be so proud of you and your daughter because you are the best person I know."

Adam flicked a tear from his cheek. "Thanks Man." He gave him a hug. "I couldn't have done it without you."

It was like Matilda knew that he needed her comfort. When she woke she snuggled into his arms for a few more minutes. Her hand found the ring around his neck as she played with it as she dozed back off to sleep.

"I love you baby girl." He whispered and when she looked up at him he couldn't stop the tears from falling freely down his cheeks. She reached up and patted his face. "Da, da, da."

"Oh Matilda." He kissed her fingers. "I miss your Mom so much. I wish she could see how beautiful you are. I wish she could feel your kisses; she would love them as much as I do. I wish I could kiss her one more time."

He turned his phone off. Today of all days he didn't want to hear from anyone. He knew that plenty of people were feeling for him but today he didn't want to hear it. Today he needed to be alone. They just spent the day together playing because for Matilda it was just another day to learn and grow and live. For Adam it was another day to miss Kim, to remember those first horrific moments and hours when his whole world fell apart.

For the first time he took Matilda to Kim's grave. Up until now he didn't think it was a place she needed to be and he never wanted to share those moments he spent with Kim with anyone, even their daughter. He didn't want his grief and sadness and anger to become part of who she was and this was a place he still felt all that. It wasn't until he felt like he had all that under control was he willing to share this place with her, and surprisingly it was today of all days he decided to do that.

They sat down beside her, Matilda tucked up in his lap. "Here she is Kim, she's beautiful and she's all you. I see you in her everyday and that helps me. I think we made the most perfect little human. I hope you are proud of me; I am trying my best."

Matilda looked up at him as he spoke. "It's your mom."

"Mum, mum." She repeated. The first time Adam heard her say Mom it made his heart stop. He knew it was just a natural stage of her development and more about the sounds she was now making than actually saying Mom, but it didn't make it any easier to hear.

Adam handed Matilda a yellow rose and showed her where to put it. He wiped away a tear as she dropped in next to the rest of the flowers. Obviously someone had already been there today, probably her mother and sister. They stayed for an hour and he let her play for while. He felt like he was letting Kim see her playing and happy, hoping that she could see the daughter that they made.

When he put Matilda to bed that night he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and a glass and took himself out onto the balcony and settled into the swinging chair and wallowed. It didn't feel as bad as it did a year ago but it wasn't much better. You never actually moved on from your grief, it didn't go away, it just became different and you learnt to live around it.


	15. Chapter 15 -I don't know what I am doing

"So, tell us?" Erin bounced around the kitchen as Jay rolled his eyes. He was waiting for Ruzek to change the subject yet again. Whenever it came up he managed to get out of providing any details. Ruzek looked around for Matilda, hoping that she would need something but she was happily playing with some blocks and Mouse was keeping her entertained. They would build a tower and then knock it down with much fanfare and Matilda would giggle and squeal. He had to admit it was pretty awesome to see and hear her happy. He never got sick of hearing her laugh; it was the cutest little giggle in the world.

"What's to tell?" he shrugged, dragging his eyes away from Matilda and back to Erin. "It seriously sucks, this whole dating thing. I reckon I might just give it a wide berth for a bit."

"You promised." They had nagged him for weeks that he needed to get out and start meeting people. He didn't want to, he was happy with just Matilda and he wasn't really ready to move on. One day he was sure he would meet someone else but he didn't want to force it. However they had pestered him at work for so long and in a weak moment he agreed to a month of dating. The deal was that they couldn't ask until the month was up.

Jay had stayed well out of the conversation when Erin had first bought up the prospect of Adam going out on a date. "No." he answered simply. He didn't want to have this conversation although he had been waiting for it.

Matilda was only seven months old at the time and Erin knew he was going to say no but she had decided that the earlier she started the conversation the better. Jay had warned her that she was playing with fire but she was adamant that it needed to be bought up. Ruzek had the propensity to drag his feet on most decisions.

Jay was lying down on the floor while Matilda sat beside him and was banging her hands on his chest. She babbled away happily to him. "She's talking as well as you do when you've had a few." Jay commented to Adam.

"Funny."

"Adam, it's just a dinner." The way she said it made it sound so easy and it was anything but easy. He guessed that until you had been his situation you really had no idea what it was like, and they had no idea.

"Erin. Please I am not ready, not in the slightest."

"It doesn't mean you love Kim any less."

"I know that." He snapped. "It's just I am still getting used to being a Dad and you know what, it's not easy and I want to figure that out. Matilda deserves me to be there for her. I have no interest in being anything else right now. I am a Dad and a Cop and that's enough." She left him alone for another few months.

Once he'd finally relented he managed to squeeze out another two weeks before he had to 'front the Board' as he took to calling Erin because Matilda had been sick with a cold and they had been busy at work. Erin had enough of the excuses and basically told him that they were cooking him dinner and there was no way out of it.

"Fine." Adam took a deep breath. "There was the lovely Taylor who had two kids; both of them were in foster care. I didn't ask why and needless to say there was no second date. Then there was the one, who was pretty gorgeous actually, Kate but she was a clean eating vegan freak who actually starting gagging when I ordered a steak. I think she also declared that parents who force their kids to eat meat should be charged with child abuse. I guess she wouldn't be keen to see Matilda chewing on that rib eye bone the other night. And finally the delightful Rochelle," He rolled his eyes. "She lived in some kind of alternate reality. When I came back from grabbing some coffees she apologised for being on her phone but she needed to feed her dragons." He laughed at the look on Erin's face. "I shit you not."

"Oh my god." She laughed hysterically. "Really? What do you mean feeding her dragons? Is that a euphemism for something?"

"You know what Erin, I didn't ask. Let's just say I have more intelligent conversations with Matilda whose entire vocabulary consists of approximately five words." Adam leant back in his chair and shook his head. "So, I've basically given up. It's not for me right now." As much as Erin tried to get him to keep going he was pretty adamant that he wasn't up for dating yet. She folded her arms across her chest and pouted when Adam countered her argument. "How about you try online dating and then get back to me?"

"Hey." Jay interrupted. "Not likely."

It was not that they wanted him to forget about Kim they just wanted him to be happy. He had too big a heart to be lonely.

Mouse was chasing Matilda when she tried to crawl away from him. He would let her go and then grab her leg and drag her back towards the mat. As soon as he let go she was off again. "You should try Tinder then, you can just get the hook up without the whole dating thing." he laughed as Matilda squealed again. "And you get the benefit of lots of enlightening photos. I've seen more boobs than I thought possible." Matilda set off waiting for Mouse to continue their game. "Among other things. It's awesome."

"Mouse, get away from my daughter." Adam scowled playfully.

Mouse's recent birthday celebration had also confirmed that he just wasn't ready. Of course there had been more than enough women at his party and he was sure Mouse was nudging them all in his direction. Mouse seemed to have a posse of women who just were happy to hang on and see what happened and take whatever crumb fell their way. He did spend some time talking to a couple of girls, more because he couldn't get away and they were pretty nice but he had zero interest in getting to know any of them.

"I think we are all going to catch the game tomorrow." A pretty brunette, Juliet leant in towards Adam and seemed to think this was going better than it actually was. "You should come."

"Nah, I'm busy on Sundays."

"Oh, that's a pity." She rested one hand on his leg and was surprised when he moved his leg away quickly. When she touched him was like the final nail in the coffin. He hated it and that feeling made him realise that he was nowhere near ready for this.

He barely lasted another half hour before he took off home. Monday at work Mouse asked him if he had a good time and that Juliet had asked for his number or for Mouse to organise them to meet up again and Ruzek shook his head. "Nah Man, I'm good."

"I thought you two were getting on okay? She thought you were pretty hot."

"Mouse, just fucking leave it alone. I am not interested okay." Adam gritted his teeth and grabbed his coffee mug from his desk and stormed into the break room. He came back out and declared that he would appreciate if people just backed off.

"Now Matilda. Any chance of you going to sleep?" he asked her hopefully. She was squirming around in his arms as he tried to settle her down. Atwater and Sasha, his girlfriend were due any minute to babysit for him while he went to Amanda's birthday party. Fortunately past experience had taught him that Atwater and Matilda left to their own devices usually ended in disaster so he was desperate to get her to sleep before they arrived. Atwater was worse than sugar, he ended up firing her up so much that she was just twired and man that got ugly. He ran his thumb back and forth across her forehead and gradually she settled and started to drift off.

Gently he placed her into bed just as he heard Atwater come in. Just about everyone had a key to his place these days as they all took turns to help out with Matilda. He lost count of how many he had given out.

"Awww I missed her?" Atwater lamented, turning to Sasha. Adam was happy for his buddy, Sasha had reeled him in pretty quickly and it was well overdue. He'd been flying the flag for bachelorhood for far too long. "I told you he wouldn't trust us to put her to bed."

"No, because last time she went to bed late and then was a crabby bitch all day and you never seem to be around to deal with that."

He was better at social events lately. Around Matilda's birthday he had been knocked back on his arse for a while. He made sure that her actual birthday was a celebration and the party had been a success and he had tried really hard to be happy and seeing how much Matilda enjoyed herself and all the people who loved her had made his day easier. The next day he was a mess and retreated into his own little world with just Matilda and they all let him be.

Peter handed him a beer as soon as he arrived just as Amanda appeared at his side. "I wasn't sure if you were going to make it? Zoe is around somewhere. Have you seen her? She's been waiting for you, although I did break it to her that Matilda wasn't coming."

"Happy Birthday Bug." Adam through an arm around his sister in law's shoulder and kissed her cheek. Amanda had got used to being called Bug although she hated it at the start. He started calling her that a few months ago when he decided he'd had enough of her constantly nagging him about one thing or another. "I'm sure she'd love to party. Lately she seems to think night time sleeping is optional."

"Not good?"

"Not good." He agreed. "I am happy to get to four before I am sharing my bed and she may be little but god lord does she take up most of the room."

Amanda told him that Lana was around somewhere, someone he actually knew. He looked at her a little peculiarly. "Who?"

"Lana, you met her when she was here for dinner that night you picked Matilda up."

He didn't remember but then again he'd been at work all day, had been beaten up and was sporting a black eye and stitches by the time he got to Amanda's. He crashed in the bedroom while he was supposed to be putting Matilda to sleep and never made it to dinner.

Matilda was tired and cranky that night and Amanda felt bad that he had to ask her guest to help in the kitchen because she couldn't put Matilda down.

Matilda gasped "Dada." and her bottom lip started to quiver when she heard her Adam's voice. "Sorry Bug." Matilda held out her arms towards Adam as he hurried into the kitchen. "That went way longer than I hoped. Hey, hey Baby Girl." He winced as Matilda literally fell into his arms. His shoulder was killing him, although not as much as his face. He kissed Matilda's head as she snuggled into him.

"Rough Day?"

"Yep, and surprisingly I came out on top." He hadn't noticed the other person in the room and Amanda saw that Lana looked a little shocked at his battered face and bloody shirt, not to mention he had his gun strapped to his hip still. Amanda introduced them but he barely registered her name as Matilda started to whine in his ear.

"She's ready for this." She handed Adam her warmed bottle. "And then bed. Why don't you put her to bed and then stay for dinner. We have plenty."

"No, it's okay. I'll just give her this and then we'll take off." He really did feel like he'd been through the grinder today but driving home with a whining baby held zero attraction. If he fed her she would probably fall asleep in the car and he could lift her out and get her into bed with little trouble.

"Really Adam, at least stay and eat. I know you, you will end up at a drive through on the way home."

Before he could protest Peter came into the kitchen. "Holy crap. Guess you really were working today." He laughed as they were now used to seeing him looking worse for wear. Peter grabbed him a beer and agreed that he should at least stay and eat. "I am sure everyone would much rather hear about the seedy side of Chicago and why you are looking so fetching tonight rather than the latest in accounting packages or the who is screwing who gossip from the tea room."

Adam laughed. "Hey I just sit in a car and eat donuts all day." He left the beer on the bench and he disappeared into the quiet lounge to feed Matilda. Amanda could have done it and she probably should have already been in bed but he was always grateful that she did her best to keep her up to see him. Matilda grabbed the bottle from his hands before he even sat down. He pulled the gun from his holster and threw it on the table with his badge.

Matilda watched him intently for a few moments as he told her about his day. "It was a rough one Tilly. I missed you though. I would much rather be home with you than chasing these idiots around Chicago all day." She reached up and touched his face while he talked and his kissed her fingers before her eyelids started to become heavy. "Tomorrow it's just you and me. I promise, although we have to go to work for just a little bit. That paperwork is killing me." His head was throbbing nicely but he was starting to feel his body relax as Matilda settled into his arms.

He'd known as soon as the suspect had thrown his elbow and connected with his face that he was in trouble. He felt the trickle of blood down his cheek. "Fuck." He groaned and pushed his knee harder into his back as he cuffed him just as Atwater appeared and hauled him up off the ground and dragged him away.

"Nice work Kid." Al grabbed his shoulders and he grimaced as he turned his head to check out the damage. "Stitches for you."

The day had fast turned to shit so he was glad to finally be done with it. He went via the hospital and was now sporting four stitches in his eyebrow, a rapidly bruising eye, an aching shoulder, pounding head and he was completely trashed.

Once she finished he tucked her head under his chin, closed his eyes and sat for a little while feeling her weight against his chest. Her warm little hand had found it's way under his shirt and was resting against his chest. He loved the way she liked skin contact with him when she was sleepy. God, he loved this girl.

"Sorry to interrupt." He opened his eyes and found Amanda's guest had come into the room. Her eyes widened as she took in his badge and gun sitting on the table in front of him and even his face looked more swollen if that was possible. If she could have backed out of the room she would have.

What was her name? He had no idea. "It's okay, she's just about asleep." He rubbed circles on her back and waited until her breathing evened out.

"I'm Lana." She could see that he had no idea what her name was. One thing she had learnt from all her years in HR was learn people's names and if they forget put them at ease as soon as possible.

"Sorry Lana, it's been a long day."

"Amanda asked me to bring this in for you." She handed him the beer. "And asked if you are staying for dinner?"

"Sure." He thanked her for the beer. "I'll be out in a minute. I'll just put Matilda to bed."

Despite his reluctance to stay for dinner he would appreciate the good food, Amanda hadn't been wrong when she said that it would have been take out for dinner. Funnily enough Matilda ate well, he made sure of that but his diet still left a lot to be desired if he was left to his own devices. His mother filled his fridge and freezer with food regularly to make sure they both had meals available but late nights often meant a burger or pizza on the way home.

He never made it to dinner though. Lying down with Matilda was a mistake and he was asleep within minutes. Amanda went in search for him and found them both asleep. She picked Matilda up and put her into her cot and threw a blanket over Adam. When he woke a few hours later he bundled up Matilda and thanked Amanda and headed home.

Lana was surprised that she actually felt a little nervous when she saw Adam now approaching her. She had been hoping that he would be here, there was something interesting about him. "You're looking better than last time I saw you."

"Sorry about that. I wasn't exactly sociable that night."

"You'd had a rough day I hear. Hope you haven't had many more like that."

"I'd liked to say no."

"How's Matilda?"

"Well we made it through the first year without too much damage." His eyes lit up when he talked about her, it was his favourite topic and he was starting to become one of those people that he always hated. The type of people who only talked about how wonderful their children were constantly. "She's just started walking so that's creating all sorts of havoc and I actually think she has it in for me some days, she is at home now probably plotting my downfall."

He asked her about her accent. Obviously he knew nothing about her seeing as he didn't even remember meeting her previously. Amanda had probably tried to talk about her but he either wasn't listening or just not interested. Getting through Matilda's birthday and Kim's anniversary was just about all he could manage lately. "I was born and bred in Australia, I've been here for about a year, in Washington originally and now Chicago for the last 3 months."

"Ah, I thought so. It's somewhere I'd love to go but it's pretty dangerous right?"

"It's not that bad." She laughed. "I really do miss my pet Kangaroo though." Adam wasn't quite sure if she was serious or not until she started smiling. "And do I need to remind you about the bears, moose, coyotes, alligators and snakes you have here?"

"Yeah, but you have those insane enormous crocodiles and sharks and spiders."

"Not to mention the drop bears, rouge camels and baby stealing dingoes." She snorted, "Really it's not that bad. Do people really think Australia is that dangerous?"

"Well it is full of convicts and rouge animals, so yes it's like the most dangerous place on earth."

Amanda watched them from a distance. She had learnt that the moment you commented to Adam about dating he would pull away but he looked happy right now. He actually looked like he was enjoying himself.

It wasn't until after the dinner that night he fell asleep that Lana had asked Amanda about Adam. "Is your brother okay?" Lana helped Amanda clear the table.

"He'll be fine. Doesn't surprise me that he fell asleep, he's obviously had a rough day. He's a cop and he's actually my brother-in-law." Amanda started loading the dishes in to the dishwasher. "My sister Kim passed away when Matilda was born. It's just the two of them." It still hit her sometimes that she had lost her sister and it was still hard to believe. There were times when Adam arrived that she just expected Kim to walk through the door behind him.

Lana apologised. She knew that Matilda was her niece and just assumed that Adam was her brother. "I didn't mean to pry."

"It's okay. He's doing such a great job with Matilda."

"Uncle Adam." Zoe was bouncing towards them.

"Hey Zo Zo." He held out an arm so that Zoe could slip her arms around his waist. "Where have you been hiding?"

"Inside. It's only old people outside."

"Well thank you."

"When can I come and stay again?"

"How about next Friday night? And then you can get up with Matilda at the crack of dawn and I can sleep in for once." She was happy with that and skipped away leaving Adam alone with Lana again.

They had spent quite a bit of time talking at the party. Eventually Adam found his way over to where Peter was chatting and spent the rest of the night telling stories about work. It fascinated him sometimes how much people loved to hear stories about the shit he dealt with on a daily basis. He felt more comfortable now and being the centre of attention no longer bothered him as long as the topic of conversation did not involve his personal life. That part of him was tucked away behind a solid brick wall.

"He's seems lovely." Lana agreed when Amanda asked her if she had a nice time with Adam long after he had left the party. There was no way she was going to ask Adam about it because he would shut her down. That set Amanda on a path, now she just had to figure out a way to get them together again. Having talked to Erin about his recent attempts at dating and because Adam gave her nothing they were at a loss as to what to do. It wasn't that they wanted him to move on for the sake of it, they just wanted him to be happy again.

Adam was shoving some toast into his mouth while he tried to pack Matilda's bag for the day. He needed to get her over to his mother's in the next half hour or he was going to be late. Thankfully she was still asleep and he could literally pull her out of bed and get her in the car, she wouldn't necessarily be happy about it but it was easier than trying to get ready with her hanging off his leg. Today it was just going to work better this way, even if he was missing out on their morning breakfast chat. "What's up Bug?" He had contemplated not answering Amanda's call, just because he didn't have time to talk, he was due in court this morning so he was on a tight time line.

"Peter and I have this Fundraiser Dinner to go to, next Saturday night."

He was rifling through a pile of clothes on the table looking for some pants for her while he was trying to listen to Amanda. "And you want me to look after Zoe?"

"No, I want you to come."

"Why?"

"We have a table and a spare seat."

"And?"

"What makes you think there is an and?"

He tucked the phone between his shoulder and ear while he zipped up Matilda's bag. He could hear her starting to stir from down the hall and knew his time was running out. "Because I know you Bug. There is always a reason."

"Fine." She huffed trying to sound miffed. "Lana needs a date and she doesn't really know anyone here and I know you seemed to get on well with her at my birthday."

Adam looked at the clock. Now he was seriously cutting it fine. He didn't have time to think of an excuse to get out of it and in all honesty he wasn't sure he wanted to. "Sure, okay. Send me the details." His brow furrowed a little. He was sure he heard Amanda squeal just a little.

They had caught up for coffee once since Amanda's birthday, not that Amanda knew that. Matilda was going to be with his father in the morning and he wanted to show her off at his District. Adam didn't feel the need to join him and Bob appreciated spending some time alone with his granddaughter.

He took the chance and invited Lana for a coffee, he had called her office and her secretary taken his number and he was surprised when she called him back pretty much straight away and she had agreed to meet him the next morning.

He kept it pretty casual and they seem to enjoy their coffee date and Adam had found her easy to talk to. There weren't any alarm bells, like fostered children, drug habits or feeding of dragons that sent him screaming from the building but he left it at that, for now. He wasn't really sure what he wanted to happen but talking with someone who didn't have all the history with Kim was nice.

He was surprised that he was looking forward to the dinner. Platt was babysitting for him. When Mouch was on shift and she was more than happy to have something to do and surprisingly she was absolutely wonderful with Matilda. From the day Kim had told her she was pregnant Platt's maternal side had come to the fore and now she would jump at any chance to spend time with Matilda. "Well don't you scrub up well?" she had teased him when he came out dressed in a suit, a very rare sight indeed. "Now get out of here so I can have some girl time." She pushed him out the door and basically shut it on his face.

He wasn't sure what made him do it. The whiskey or just the fact that he found her attractive and interesting and he missed the connection you could have with someone both physically and emotionally. They were two different things though. You could have a physical connection with someone and not need anything else or you could have so much more. It had been a long time since he was interested in the first type, the physical connection that meant nothing. While he was young that was okay but he had always craved more.

Perhaps it was because he felt something that he hadn't experienced in a long time, a thrill, and a shiver shooting up his spine. It was a primal kind of response to something, or more to the point, to someone. He got that when he first saw her arrive. Was it her navy blue dress swirling around her ankles, the lacy top that defined her waist, or the perfectly toned and slightly tanned arms that caught his attention? As she moved towards their table the thigh high split made his heart beat just that little bit faster.

The thing he found most intriguing was that he wasn't even sure she was trying to be sexy. Plenty of women at the dinner were squeezed into dresses that were too tight, too revealing and with make-up that was way to thick thinking that it was what men wanted and judging by the dance floor plenty of them did. He found it intoxicating that Lana was blissfully unaware of how stunning she was and how reserved she seemed yet she looked happy and laughed a lot and that was enough to send that shiver up his spine.

Adam rested a hand on her hip and enjoyed the feeling of the silk of her dress beneath his fingers as he pulled her closer. Slowly he closed his eyes as he pressed his lips to hers. The last lips he kissed were cold and lifeless. They were the lips that he adored, those lips that he had craved everyday since, the lips that he had always wished he could kiss on more time; Kim's lips.

He let the warm and welcoming sensation flood through him. They were soft and as he suddenly he stepped back he ran his tongue over his lips to taste the slight citrus flavour she had left behind. Lana reached up and touched his cheek before kissing him again.

"That felt nice." He whispered softly against her cheek. "Thank you."

"You're welcome Adam. Thank you for coming tonight."

"My pleasure."

He had tossed and turned when he got home trying to figure it all out. Was he supposed to enjoy it? Did he want more? He was no closer to figuring it out when he heard Matilda through the monitor so he put it all aside and focussed on the task at hand, and that was Matilda. It was her day to have him completely to herself so they rode down to the pool and spent a few hours playing and swimming and they did some singing and dancing in the afternoon. His mother and Ellen always loved the videos he would send of her dancing, if you could call it that. By dinnertime she was more than over it and it wasn't exactly pleasant. She was sitting in her highchair and somehow managing to get more food on the floor than in her mouth. "Come on Tilly." He moaned as he bent down to pick up her cup from the floor for the third time. "Seriously. Are you going to eat?"

"No." She shook her head wildly from side to side. "No."

 _Awesome_ , he loved that she was learning new words but that word wasn't exactly his favourite and he heard it a lot lately. "Dada." Now, that was his favourite. He had lay awake in bed one morning and just listened to her babbling away through the monitor when she came out with Da, Da, Da. It was such a sweet sound and so heartbreaking at the same time.

"Okay, okay." He laughed. "You got me. You win again Darlin'."

He pulled off her food-encrusted top and shook her loose of any scraps before they headed for a shower. She loved having a shower, shaking her head as the water hit her face and giggling uncontrollably as Adam blew raspberries on her bare chest. He had a non-slip matt on the floor and she would happily play on the floor and pull herself up against the tiled wall and babble away at him. It was easier sometimes if he needed to have a shower and Matilda was still awake, he had tried letting her play in the bedroom in a portable cot but she hated that so he thought leaving a pile of toys on the bathroom floor might help but she spent the whole time trying to get in with him so he relented and they started showering together, much to Matilda's delight. It was all going well until the day she did a poo and that seriously made him gag and he couldn't get out of there quick enough. Her bodily functions still horrified him some days and he learnt pretty quickly what foods agreed with her and what didn't.

Once Matilda was tucked up in bed having read a couple of books he cleaned up the disaster zone that had been dinner before grabbing a drink and his phone. He couldn't believe how nervous he was. The last time he was this nervous was when he showed up at Kim's door unannounced and not really knowing what he wanted to happen, a bit like now. He had found himself tracing the small letter K that he had tattooed on his wrist as he thought about that night. A few months ago he had decided, on the spur of the moment to get it tattooed on his left wrist and matched it with an M on his right and he would often catch himself running his fingers over it while he watched TV or sat having a drink on the balcony alone at night.

He threw back a shot of whiskey, letting the warm sting in his throat ease before he picked up his phone. "Hey Lana. It's Adam." He knew that Kim would want him to be happy, she would expect him to meet someone else the same way he would want the same for her.

Lana had to admit she was surprised to hear from him, she was hoping that she would but as the day wore on her hope faded a little. Like when she had hoped he would call after their coffee date but she didn't hear from him and that had disappointed her. "Hi. How was your day?"

"Good, busy." Adam closed his eyes. This was harder than he expected, now that he had called her he had no idea what to say. "Hey, thanks for last night. I had a nice time."

"I'm glad, so did I. Thanks for coming. You saved me from having to invite the random guy from our PR company. He's a little too intense for me and a bit handsy." She chuckled lightly sounding just as nervous as he was.

Before he could even contemplate moving on he needed to make something perfectly clear. "Can I tell you something?"

"Sure." Lana was curled up on her couch with a cup of tea. She hugged her knees to her chest and waited for him to continue.

"Matilda is my whole world, she's the most important thing in my life. I have to do what's best for her." He started quietly trying to form the words into sentences that made sense and failing miserably. It sounded like he was pushing her away, that he was about to tell her why last night's kiss was a mistake and she felt her heart sink a little. She had felt something when he kissed her, despite warning herself time and again that he was dangerous. "I'm still trying to figure out what that is sometimes. We always spend Sundays together, just Matilda and me. Everyone kinda leaves us alone on Sundays."

"That sounds like a perfect day."

"Lana, I don't know what I am doing."

"Adam. I know you have a lot of stuff going on." He was dangerous because she was worried that she would get in too deep with him too quickly and she was the only one that was likely to get hurt. That was her problem, she gave her heart away to easily and it had been her downfall on more than one occasion. Something that Adam was unlikely to do.

"I work crazy hours, I have a crazy life. I have Matilda. I'm not like anyone else and I can't do the movies or dinners and all that stuff."

"I think I can match you on the crazy hours, most days I don't know whether I am Arthur or Martha." She chuckled lightly. He had no idea what that meant but he liked her laugh. "And you know I never got the attraction of movies as dates, if that's what we are talking about. Why would you go out with someone you want to get to know only to sit in the dark and not be able to talk to them?"

"Never thought of it like that, good point." Adam relaxed a little when he realised that she seemed to be on the same page as him with regards to spending more time together not that he had any idea what to do about it. He got to this point and was trying not to let his fear paralyse him. "Next weekend. Do you want to catch up?"

"I would really like that. How about I come over and cook you dinner?" she sensed his hesitation even down the phone so she quickly added. "I can come after Matilda goes to bed. I'll bring over a couple of classic Australian movies to prove to you that we are not all descended from convicts."

"I've seen Crocodile Dundee."

"Oh please. We are so much more cultured than that."


	16. Chapter 16 - Coconut my Lamington

Matilda's eyes had barely closed when he heard a knock on the door and they flashed open before slowly sliding closed again. Of course she had chosen tonight to decide to fight him about going to sleep. It was like she knew he was in a rush and had no intention of letting him off the hook. He dashed out of the room, hoping that she was close enough to sleep and answered the door. "Sorry, hey come in." he nervously gave Lana a chaste kiss on the cheek as he quickly grabbed the bags of groceries from her hands.

"Am I early?"

"No, Matilda is just choosing tonight to be stubborn." His hope had been in vain when he could hear her starting to cry. "Do you mind?" he pointed to the bedroom after showing her through to the kitchen.

"She'll be right." Lana waved him out of the kitchen and turned to start unpacking the bags, she hoped that he didn't see her hands shaking ever so slightly. While she knew this was a big thing for him, it was no small feat for her either.

"Who?" Adam looked confused for a moment and he was a little taken aback. Was she saying not to worry about Matilda and her crying? This was not what he expected to hear, as he hadn't really got any red flags from her before, unlike all his other dates. "Matilda?"

Lana looked over her shoulder and was just as confused until she realised what she had said. It had rolled off her tongue as usual. She really needed to learn not to use it; no one ever understood her anyway mostly because she spoke so quickly. "No, no I'm sorry I meant go and be with Matilda, I'll be fine and can hunt around for what I need."

Lana had a quick look at his apartment and you could certainly tell a little girl lived here. There were dolls and teddy bears piled up in a toy box in the corner along with a little toy stroller and a small table and two chairs. Imagining Adam sitting down at the little green table bought a smile to her face. His knees would be up around his ears but she was sure he spent plenty of time squished at that table.

The coffee table was strewn with books and a half finished puzzle. There were photos of her everywhere and the fridge was covered with photos including a few ultrasound pictures and they were half covered with drawings and paintings. It was comfortable and lived in and she did wonder how much of his wife was still here. The curtains were still open so she could see the small balcony with a sweet view and hanging on the coat rack behind the door was Adam's jackets along side Matilda's tiny ones and a little pair of pink Chuck Taylors lined up next to his boots. It was cute.

It was clean though and that was a relief, she had no idea what to expect from a single man living alone. Well that wasn't entirely true, she knew exactly what to expect and this wasn't it. Although she couldn't imagine him being messy or unclean and it was a relief that he wasn't living in a squat with a one year old. There was stuff around but the dining table was clear and the highchair was a stark reminder that this was something completely new for her too. The kitchen was clean and tidy and waiting for her to prepare dinner. The only mess was a little girl's toys.

There was nothing worse than finally seeing how the person you were keen on lived and looking around in horror trying to find a clean place to sit or a clean glass for a drink. No, her days of being attracted to yobbo's was over.

Seeing this side of him made him all the more intriguing. Where she had wine glasses on her bench, he had plastic cups with all varieties of Disney characters adorning them together with pots of play doh. They couldn't have been more opposite if they tried. The books lying around her place were about history or autobiographies or some crappy romance novel to lighten the mood, whereas here she would be reading The very hungry caterpillar, Corduroy and Guess How much I love you?

Had he always been like this, a bit of a neat freak or had raising a child alone made him change?

Adam had pulled Matilda out of her bed and sat down in the rocker chair. "Is this okay Til?" he talked to her softly. They had a lot of conversations in this chair over the past year; they had also spent a lot of time sleeping together in this chair. "I love you so much, and your mom. I will always love her and she gave me you. She left me heartbroken but I have you and I want to give you the world. It's okay to be happy, isn't it? It's okay to feel something for someone else, isn't it? I don't know what this is yet, but I want to find out, I think. We're okay aren't we? You and me, we've done okay haven't we?" He looked down at his daughter in his arms and held her hand, like he did the first time he connected with her. She was his safe place and whatever happened next he always knew he could come back to her.

"She's asleep?" Lana handed him a glass of wine when he came out.

"Finally. She fought it to the bitter end; she doesn't like missing out on anything. I think Matilda is shaping up to be a party animal."

He quickly packed up the rest of her books and put the puzzle back together and on the shelf before perched himself on the stool and watched as she moved around his kitchen. It was a strange feeling having someone else in his place. Although he had certainly had other people in his kitchen cooking dinner but they didn't count, that was family. This was him pushing himself out of his comfort zone. So much had changed. Dating in the past was nights out drinking, dancing and partying. Lying around all day eating greasy food to help with hangovers and rushing home to get clean clothes on the way to work on Monday morning.

Now he was home more often than not.

She was different from Kim, not that he had deliberately sought out someone who didn't remind him of his wife. Firstly she was blond, her straight hair tied up in a ponytail that was swinging freely down her back and she was taller than Kim, a little closer to his height. He knew she was pretty fit, she was a runner and she played field hockey and did some boxing also. Right now she was wearing some loose black pants and a flowing white shirt and still looked effortlessly beautiful. And she loved to cook. Most of Kim's cooking came from a can or a packet, not that he was any better, although he had improved because of Matilda but apparently Lana was the ultimate Foodie.

She had kicked off her shoes and was in bare feet and he did like that she obviously felt comfortable being here. "I feel like you are staring at me." Her back was to him as she was stirring something on the stove. "Am I destroying your kitchen?"

"No. You are doing fine."

He asked her a bit more about her job in Chicago in HR, she had apparently been head hunted by the firm she was now working for. "I was excited about the opportunity, it was a promotion and the offer was too good to refuse."

"You don't regret it though?"

"No. I always liked the challenge of a new place, new people." She leant her hip against the bench and shrugged as she took a small sip of her wine. "And it was not like I really had any family or anything keeping me there. I did like Washington though. It was so different from home."

"Do you miss home?"

"I do. I miss a lot of things about home. I miss the weather, the food and the beaches. I can't really get into your football here either; it just doesn't float my boat. Give me Aussie Rules any day." Adam jumped up and got some plates out when she asked. "I miss my friends and my family, my parents are coming over for Christmas and I am looking forward to that. And.." She paused as she served up the Risotto she had cooked. "I was never a big coffee drinker but your coffee here should be illegal. It is terrible."

"So, moving here. You didn't leave anyone heartbroken behind?" The question even surprised him but not as much as her reaction. She glanced away quickly; it was the smallest movement of her eyes towards the floor that he picked up on. He was used to reading people, it was part of his job.

"No. I was well and truly single before I came here." She pushed a smile back onto her face. Just as he wasn't fully ready to lay his past out on the table neither was she.

He let it slide and changed the subject. "Perhaps I can teach you the rules of our football, I guarantee you will love it."

"Only if you let me explain Aussie Rules to you." He agreed and he liked the small rush of pleasure that gave him, that they were making some kind of plan for exploring this further. Beautiful, sweet and a sports fan; this was looking promising.

Lana took the chance to take a closer look at some photo's he had on the bookshelf while Adam cleared away the dinner dishes. "She's beautiful." She commented, looking at a photo of Kim. Obviously she had seen some photos of them both at Amanda's house but this one he had, of her laughing on their wedding day she hadn't seen. "Your wife is beautiful."

Adam felt his heart clench a little and he reached for his safety net, the chain around his neck. "She was."

She bent down and looked at a photo of Matilda and Adam. She was still tiny and sleeping on his chest. His eyes were closed also but his hand was protectively holding onto her, it was almost as big as she was. What she didn't know, and that Adam never mentioned was that this was the first photo ever taken of them together, when she was three weeks old. He had been annoyed with his mother when she took it but soon came to treasure it.

"Matilda looks so much like her." She picked up a more recent photo taken at her first birthday party and Matilda looked so happy and Adam looked completely besotted with her. "That must be nice."

"Now it is. In the beginning it was hard, seeing Kim everyday especially those first few weeks. People kept telling me that she looked like Kim thinking it would help." Adam handed her another glass of wine. "I still really miss her and every time Matilda does something new I hate that she's not here to see it." Lana rested a hand lightly on his arm and this time he didn't hate it and feel the need to pull away. It didn't feel forced either, it didn't feel like she was a desperate for more. Those few dates he had been on and the night of Mouse's party it had been awkward and uncomfortable the way some women seemed to think that throwing yourself at someone was attractive. Sure maybe when you were a drunk horny twenty year old but surely they were all well past that now, he knew he certainly was.

"So, what have you bought for my viewing pleasure?" He wanted to change the subject. He wasn't ready to share Kim with her yet.

"It was such a hard decision. The choices were my all time favourite, 'The Man from Snowy River' because it's just an out and out classic and it always reminds me of home, you can almost smell the gum leaves. Or 'The Castle' I love it. It's funny and very Australian, not that over the top crap most people learnt from Crocodile Dundee or Steve Bloody Irwin." She rolled her eyes. "We do not throw friggin' shrimps on the barbie or drink bloody fosters or wrestle Crocs for shits and giggles." Her little rant rolled off her tongue so easily because every time someone found out she grew up in Australia it was the first thing they asked. "But I did also consider 'Priscilla, Queen of the dessert' because everyone needs to see a movie about a cock in a frock on a rock."

Adam looked at her a little bemused. "Sometimes it's like you are not even speaking English."

They settled for 'The Castle' and he had to admit it was funny but more so because she was laughing so hard. At times he didn't understand what was going on or what they were talking about but the fact that Lana was enjoying it made it better. He enjoyed watching her and that wasn't something he had experienced in a long time.

"Whatcha think?" she rolled her head to the side to look at him as the credits rolled. Adam had put his feet up on the table and Lana had hers tucked up underneath her but he had leant in a little closer to her during the movie.

"Funny, kinda weird but I guess that's the point. Right?"

"Sure. Maybe one day you'll be ready for the absolute cult classic that absolutely nobody knows about, Welcome to Woop Woop." She titled her head to the side as if she was contemplating something. "Nah, you are a little to green for that."

Adam sat up a little and slowly leant in to kiss her. He found his body responding to her, which was a long forgotten feeling and as she ran a hand up his chest and for a few precious moments everything fell away but Lana pulled back first. "What?" he was surprised, he thought he'd be the one to put the brakes on.

"I want you to know I have no expectations."

"Okay." He wasn't really sure what she meant. Did she mean tonight? Did she have no expectations about what was going to happen tonight? He knew that nothing much was going to happen, he was nowhere near ready for that. Even this was way out of his comfort zone and he was trying to navigate his way through all his emotions by not thinking about things too deeply right now and letting his body take over from his mind. He would no doubt spend hours going over every single moment and he accepted that it was necessary to do that and eventually his head and his heart would meet in the middle. It had happened with Kim so he had to trust that it would happen again.

She moved away from him a little, which she found hard because he was so magnetic and it was hard not to let him know that she wanted to jump in with both feet and see where it took them. "I don't want to rush you but I want you to know that I am really enjoying getting to know you and I am happy to be guided by you."

"I haven't been with anyone since Kim died." He looked a little sheepish as he blurted it out. It always sounded harsh when he explained to people that his wife had died even though Lana knew that. He knew that sometimes he came across as cold and heartless but he was anything but, it was his coping mechanism. He found most times if you were blunt and harsh people generally took the hint and didn't ask any more questions. Admitting he was celibate wasn't easy either.

Lana sensed that it was a big admission for him and wanted to lighten the mood. She didn't want to lessen his pain or angst but wanted to let him know that he was doing okay. "Well judging by the way you kiss if you are out of practice I can't wait for you to get back in the swing of it because it's not too shabby at all."

"You're sweet." Adam tucked her hair behind her ear and grabbed a handful of her ponytail and twisted it around his hand. "Come here." He tugged on her hair lightly so that she fell against him. "You know you are making this easier than I thought it would be." He kissed her again.

Lana had gone to Washington for the weekend for a wedding. They had been quietly spending time together for a few weeks. Adam had taken it very slow, which Lana had found hard to deal with especially when he didn't talk about it and she never knew what to expect. Sometimes he was affectionate and other times he seemed to withdraw and hesitate. He was being guarded and she could understand that and she had to hold on to the hope she felt when they were together. Had it been any other relationship she would have started to worry that she was about to become 'just friends' and that was one thing she did not want to be with him but those passionate moments they did share on the evenings they would cuddle up on the couch or when they were laughing and flirting on the balcony with a bottle wine were keeping her hopes alive.

Adam called her while Matilda was sleeping. "I miss you." He admitted.

They hadn't really talked much about her spending time with Matilda either. Lana was hanging back and when Adam was ready for them to meet he would let her know. Obviously she had already met her at Amanda's house but getting involved with her life was a whole different story. So they would catch up once she was in bed and Adam certainly filled her in on what Matilda was up too and what they had done, he loved talking about her and his whole face lit up when he did so. He was now one of those people and talking about her stopped him from talking about anything else, like his feelings.

Lana felt a sense of relief. It was the little breadcrumbs he kept dropping along the way. "I'm glad. I would start getting worried if you didn't."

"So I will see you when you get back? It's too quiet."

"How's Saturday night look?"

"Friday." He demanded softly. "I can't wait that long." Adam couldn't believe how lonely he felt without her. Slowly he had got used to being on his own, when he was at his lowest he decided he was better off by himself and focussed on Matilda. Now he preferred company but he wasn't sure how to take the next step and that was such an unusual feeling; lack of confidence in that department was never an issue for him in the past but he was sailing in unchartered waters and he wasn't wearing a life vest.

Lana was pouring a wine while Adam finished getting Matilda back to sleep. He seemed a little on edge when she got here but she put it down to a long week at work. He had certainly let her know how happy he was to see her again with his greeting and it had taken the wind out of her. He had grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her hard. "Welcome back." He whispered against her neck as she tried to breathe again. Then Matilda had called out for him and he disappeared. Coming back into the kitchen he snaked an arm around her waist, slipped his hand under her shirt and dragged his fingers across her stomach. Every time he touched her it made her skin tingle. "How hungry are you?" he was asking as he was kissing her neck.

"Depends." She tilted her neck back so that he could continue, it was making her feel weak and she could no longer pull away from him. He could have done anything to her right then. "What did you have in mind?" her heart was thudding against her chest and again she couldn't breathe. She had wanted him for weeks, desperately so. He spun her round and pushed against her, their hips meeting and she gasped when she felt his reaction to her and he continued lathering her with kisses, his hands holding her face steady as he attacked her lips. "Adam." She tried to catch her breath between kisses. "God Adam. Stop."

"Sorry." He rested his head on her shoulder and felt his confidence slipping away. He was worried that he had got this all wrong, that he had misread where they were at. "I'm sorry."

"Adam. Look at me." She demanded softly, her hands were still on his hips holding him steady against her body, her fingers lightly digging into him. The last thing she wanted was to lose contact with him, if he stepped away the spell could be broken and that was the last thing she wanted. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." But he didn't look at her. Suddenly her hands were under his shirt and her fingernails ran down his back and he arched his body towards her as he muttered. "I want you."

She grabbed his hand and walked him towards the bedroom pushing him down on the bed and straddling his hips. Her eyes never left his face looking for any sign of uncertainty or regret as she exposed his chest and ran her hands over his taut abdomen. His eyes were still closed as she lowered her mouth and started kissing from his belly button up towards his neck before capturing his lips in an intense kiss. It was then that he moved, his hands gripped her hips and he flipped her over, pressing her down into the mattress and revelling in the feeling of having a body beneath his again.

It was quiet and intense. He could have done this plenty of times in the past year and it would have meant nothing more than getting his rocks off but that's not what he needed. He needed it to be special and with someone he cared about, who cared about him and understood the position he was in. He was glad he waited because this was a perfect as it could be. "Thank you." Was the first words he uttered as they let the intensity of the last few moments ebb away.

"For what? I should be thanking you." She ran her hand lightly up and down his back while he nuzzled at her neck. "I think you just put some coconut on my lamington."

"Huh?" He lifted his head and saw a smile spread across her face. He rolled off to the side and propped himself up on one elbow while his other hand caressed her hip. He didn't want to lose contact with her. "What?"

"It means you absolutely just rocked my world."

"Oh. Good to know." He sucked on her lower lip lightly. "And you didn't do to badly yourself."

They were quiet as he let the enormity of the past hour wash over him, trying to figure out how he felt about what had just happened. He stiffened a little when she ran her hand over the rings still on a chain around his neck. On the anniversary of Kim's death he had taken his wedding ring off and put it on the chain next to hers. "I should take them off."

"No you shouldn't." Lana kissed his chest. "It's part of you. A huge part of what makes you.." she ran her hands through his hair and rested her hand over his heart. "…you."

"I'm not ready to let them go."

"Then don't. I don't mind." She kissed his chest. "Are you okay?"

"I am." He flipped over onto his back, pulling her with him. "It's been so long I wasn't sure I would remember how it all worked."

"Let me tell you, it all worked perfectly." Her hand was roaming down his torso and he closed his eyes and let the sensation and realisation filter through him. He couldn't stop the tear that escaped from the corner of his eye and he hoped she didn't notice.

But she did and knew that he probably needed a moment so she wiggled out of his embrace and hunted around for her clothes. "Where are you going?"

"To cook dinner. I could eat the crutch out of a low flying duck." That he had learnt meant that she was hungry. Lana twisted her fingers through his and leant down and kissed him softly. "Stay here for a bit. Take some time. It's okay." Adam watched her get dressed and leave and could hear her moving about in the kitchen.

He rolled over and buried his head in the pillow. Her slight citrus smell filled his nostrils. He ran his hand over the sheets and they were still warm, still holding onto the energy that they had just created. He forgot how much he liked the warmth of a body next to his, the feeling of arms and legs entwined and the heat two bodies could create together. He suddenly realised that for the first time in many, many months he actually felt whole, he felt like a man again.

Adam started to worry about what she was thinking, what was going through her head. One thing that had changed for him in the last year and a bit was that he now worried more. He was always a go with the flow type of guy, whatever will be will be. It hadn't necessarily been smart but that was who he was. Now, not so much. Every decision he made affected someone else, someone who couldn't make decisions for herself so he thought about everything in minute detail. He had become a worrier.

Deep down he knew that it was okay, that the time was right for him to come out of his self imposed exile and he was glad he had waited for the right person. If they had a future was yet to be seen. And if they didn't then he always had Matilda.

He pulled on his jeans and threw on a hoodie. "You okay?" Lana looked up at him as he came into the kitchen. Adam grabbed both sides of her face with her hands and kissed her forehead before meeting her mouth with his.

"I am." He ran his thumbs across her cheeks. "I am starving too." He winked. "And are you okay?"

Lana slipped her hands underneath his hoodie and dug her nails into his back. "Of course. It was easy for me. You are certainly what some would call a DILF."

"A what?" Adam chuckled when it dawned on him what she meant. "Are you really saying I am a Dad you'd like to fuck?"

"Yes, more than once."

"Good to know." He nodded unable to stop the smile spreading across his face. "Seriously though Lana, are you okay with this? I mean I don't actually have my shit together and you probably deserve more than I can give you right now."

She reached up and put her hand over his mouth. "Stop talking. Adam, my eyes are wide open. Do you think I would be here if I didn't want to be and if I didn't know what I was letting myself in for?"

"I want to make sure." He removed her hand and kissed her fingers. "But I also want you to know that.." he pointed down the hallway to his bedroom. "..that was perfect."

"It was hey?" She pushed him away gently and asked him to find them something to drink.

Adam enjoyed the feeling of contentment he felt at that moment as he watched her move around his kitchen. For the first time in such a long while he decided to just let himself feel happy and not worry about anything else. He was living in the moment, a place he hadn't been for a long time and he missed it.

Janet had noticed a change in Adam over the past few weeks but he brushed her off, telling her that he was just getting his feet under him again and in a good place and that Matilda was sleeping better which improved everyone's mood. "Matilda is just so funny at the moment. It's hard to be sad around her." Whether his mother believed him or not he didn't really care.

Janet was squeezed into the castle at the playground at Matilda's insistence. Before she could blink Matilda had turned and ran out when she saw a ball bouncing outside. "Ball." She cried and despite calling out to get her to stop Matilda had taken off after it like a rat up a drainpipe.

As Janet tried to get out of the tiny castle she froze as she saw a dog leap at Matilda, she wasn't sure who screamed the loudest, her or her granddaughter.


	17. Chapter 17

Ruzek drummed his fingers on the table. Impatiently waiting for the idiot opposite him to stop his rant about how he was innocent so that they could let him see the video footage that showed him doing precisely what he was currently claiming he didn't do.

It was mildly amusing but ultimately frustrating. Ruzek looked at Halstead and rolled his eyes when it showed no signs of abating and eventually asked. "Are you done?"

"No."

Spinning the laptop around he hit play on the video and the idiot didn't know where to look. "You are cooked." Ruzek folded his arms across his chest and leant back in his chair. "So how about we start this again?"

Just as he was about to continue Al appeared in the doorway, the way the door opened unexpectedly made them all jump. "Ruzek. I need you out here." He beckoned a little urgently. "Now."

Halstead, who had been sitting in the corner also mildly amused by the dramatics nodded and took over. It had been a long afternoon waiting for someone to break. It wasn't going to be them only the dopey shit didn't realise it. Sitting in this airless room for hours had done little to improve anyone's mood, it had been a long frustrating case and they couldn't wait to wrap it up.

As soon as he was out of the room Al handed him his phone. "This has been going off. It's your Mom, she kept ringing so I answered it."

"What's wrong? Is it Matilda?" He desperately searched Al's face for an answer as he hit his speed dial, not even bothering with listening to the messages or waiting for Al to answer.

"Your Mom is taking her to Chicago Med, " Al put a hand on Ruzek's shoulder . "Adam she's been bitten by a dog." He added quickly when he saw the absolute horror on Ruzek's face. "She's okay."

"What?" He felt his heart hit the floor. "What? When?"

Al tugged in his arm to get him moving, he seemed incapable of doing anything. "Hey Matilda's okay but she needs you. Get your stuff I'll take you. Let's go."

"What the hell?" He was trying to call his mother as he grabbed his jacket and followed Al blindly. "Come on, pick up." He growled. He looked helplessly at Al as it went to voice mail. He needed to talk to his mother; he needed to know what was going on, he needed to know Matilda was okay. "Fuck." He screamed at his phone as it went to voice mail again. Al guided him by the elbow out of the building while he kept hitting redial.

Finally his mother picked up and Al could see the relief flood his face. "Mom, Is Matilda okay? What the hell happened? Where is she now?" Those phone calls were always the worst. He remembered when Meredith had called him because Lexie had broken her arm. You felt like the worst parent in the world because you weren't there for them but it is impossible to watch them twenty-four seven. Not that it made any one iota of difference right now.

"Oh god, Is she okay?" Janet had assured him that it wasn't a bad injury and he was momentarily relieved that it was only her arm. His imagination had run riot and he had envisaged that she had been bitten on the face and was going to be permanently scarred. Janet had stepped out of the room but he could still hear what was going on and he knew that cry anywhere.

In the beginning he had no idea what she wanted when she cried. Was she hungry, tired or in pain? He felt completely helpless some days when he couldn't figure out why she was upset and he didn't think he would ever be able to get a handle on it. Those days were well and truly behind him now, he generally knew what was going on and right now she was terrified, he couldn't always fix it but he knew what she was feeling at least. She was screaming blue murder, she was screaming for him and he couldn't get to her. His baby girl was hurt and alone and he urged Al to drive faster.

Al couldn't have got him to the hospital quicker if he tried and before he even had the chance to come to a stop Adam was out of the car and running, his legs felt heavy and it was if he was running backwards. As soon as he pushed through the doors into Emergency he could hear her. It was unusually quiet in the Emergency room of Chicago Med except for a child's terrified cries. His child.

"Matilda Ruzek. Where is she?" He barked when someone dared asked him whom he was here for. Maggie saw him and stepped in and he was relieved to see a familiar face and her steadying hand calmed him just a little until he heard it again. "No, no, no." she screamed. She didn't have a lot of words but it was as clear as day what she wanted. "Daddy." He felt his heart breaking.

Matilda was screaming as strangers surrounded her and they were trying to look at her arm and the sheets were covered in her blood. Adam almost stumbled at the sight; all the horrible images of that night came rushing back. The devastating memories of standing in an empty room holding Matilda with her mother's blood in a pool at his feet. He felt like he had been kicked in the guts but it only lasted a second as he propelled himself forward. Matilda's face was bright red and she was thrashing wildly as his mother tried to hold her down and comfort her at the same time but the more they held onto her the more she screamed.

"Daddy." Janet finally let her go and the nurse stood back and let Adam through and her little arms reached out for him. He was the only person in the world that she needed right now, the only person who mattered.

"Daddy's here Darlin'." He repeated over and over as she climbed into his arms, her tiny chest heaving against his as she got as close to him, and as far away from everyone else as possible. "Shhh. It's okay Baby. Daddy's here."

"Is she okay? What happened? What are you doing?" He was frantically looking at all the people crowded into the tiny room, he had a million questions and he needed answers.

"She ran after a ball and tried to grab it but the dog just jumped at her and grabbed her by the arm. I'm sorry Adam, it all happened so quickly." Janet looked as bad as she sounded. She was just as upset as Matilda was and it was horrible watching her grand daughter so distressed and there was nothing she could do to calm her down.

As soon as Dr Manning came near her she started screaming again. "Shh Tilly, it's okay. I've got you." Adam founded himself rocking her gently, it was an instinctive action that he did whenever she was upset or tired. Most time he didn't even know he was doing it.

He could see the gash on her arm and knew it needed stitches but Matilda was having none of it. "We will need to take her to theatre, it needs to be cleaned out properly and I would prefer a plastic surgeon closes it up." Natalie eventually told him when it was obvious that Matilda was not going to let anyone touch her and it was the last thing he wanted to happen. "It's always the safest option for one so little, it's a deep gash and they may need to repair some underlying muscle so it's better that it's done in theatre. I know this is going to be hard for you but Adam, it's for the best." The thought of Matilda in surgery was terrifying, the last time someone he loved went to theatre they never came back. This was his worst nightmare.

He held her tight against his chest until they came to take them upstairs and as stupid as he felt being pushed in a wheelchair Matilda wouldn't even let go to lie on the bed to be taken up to Paediatrics. She had a death grip on his neck when he tried to put her down. He would be allowed to stay with her and take her into the operating theatre and stay until she was asleep. Small children, particularly ones who were so distressed were easier to manage with their parents with them. They also knew that Matilda was a special case, she was special to quite a few people in this place and he was sure that someone was pulling strings to get this all over and done with and with the best people possible.

People told him that seeing your children hurt or in pain was the worst feeling in the world and designed to make you feel helpless and they weren't wrong. He felt he was failing as a parent because he couldn't make her feel better and nothing could prepare him for what was about to happen. He didn't want to let her go and he was barely holding it together.

He didn't want to talk to anyone or need them to tell him that Matilda was going to be okay because no-one knew if she was. "Stop saying that. You don't know." He yelled at his mother who was trying to get him to calm down.

"Adam. You need to stay calm."

"I don't need to stay calm, I need Matilda to be okay." He sucked in a deep breath; he was trying to get some air into his lungs, which seemed like an impossible task. "I need Matilda to be okay." The words were barely audible as he rocked Matilda in his arms. They had given her some pain medication, which was making her drowsy but still he refused to let her go.

Rapidly the word spread that Matilda would need surgery and the waiting room filled with those closet to them. Each and every one understanding how traumatic this was going to be for both of them. Each and every one of them waiting to catch Adam if he fell.

It was breaking his heart; a heart that he barely felt was even in his chest anymore. This girl, she was everything to him. He lived his whole life outside his body now because of her.

"How long is it going to take?" He now had an Anaesthetist talking to him, asking him about her health, any reactions to medications or allergies. Of course she did have any reactions to medications he rarely gave her anything. She was a beautiful healthy little girl, couldn't they see that.

"Not long, and as soon as she is in recovery we will come and get you. She will also need to be on a Post Exposure Vaccination Regime for Rabies, unless we can find the dog and make sure it is not infected" God, he hadn't even thought of that. This was getting worse by the minute. Natalie squeezed Adam's arm. Being a single parent could be the heaviest of burdens. Of course they both had people who cared, who loved them and supported but sometimes it would be nice to have someone who was feeling the same heartache. "Matilda is going to be fine. We will look after her I promise Adam. I'd tell you to try not to worry but I know that's impossible."

His mother went home and grabbed him a clean shirt to replace the one that was covered in Matilda's blood and also some pyjamas and clothes for Matilda while he waited. The more people that turned up the more agitated he became. He turned his phone off because he was sick of the constant buzzing. He didn't want to talk to anyone he just wanted Matilda back in his arms. No one understood how he felt and he had never felt so alone.

One, two, three, four… the numbers rolled through his head. Twenty steps, that's how many steps it took to walk from one side of the waiting room to the other. All he could do to calm his mind was to count his steps, back and forth as the minutes ticked by. He clutched Matilda's donkey in his hands, that sad little donkey he had bought her when she was a baby, the first thing he had bought home for her after she was born, back in those days that he was barely functioning. She loved it and it went everywhere with her and slept with her every night, god knows what would happen if they lost it.

He had no idea how many steps to took to get to her when they came and told him she was in recovery, he just followed blindly behind them holding that donkey tighter and tighter.

Matilda was still out of it but seeing her chest rise and fall steadily was the most beautiful sight and when she opened her eyes and cried out for him his heart melted and the ache disappeared. They were happy for him to hold onto her until she was a little more alert before they took her back up to the ward.

Unfortunately just as they got back to the room she vomited everywhere. It was all through her hair and over the bed and floor. Adam had just managed to side step it, but the nurse copped a fair portion of it. Apparently it was not unusual for that to happen as the anaesthetic worked through her system. She whined a little as they cleaned her up. Once the sheets were changed Adam climbed onto the bed with her and rested one hand on her tiny belly, tucked her donkey under her arm and watched her sleep.

"I'm looking for the family of the little girl. Matilda, with the dog bite." Al's head snapped up when he heard someone asking about Matilda. "I want to make sure she is okay." The nurse pointed in the direction of the crowded waiting room.

"Can I hep you?" Al approached the couple probably a little too aggressively. He looked a little surprised that the waiting room was full of cops. He knew it was a shocking thing to happen but he was filled with dread to see them. Why would all these cops be here? It didn't seem that bad of an injury in the grand scheme of things.

"We just want to know how the little girl, Matilda is? Is she going to be okay?"

"Was it your dog?"

"No. We were just out walking our dog, on a lead when it happened. We just want to know she's okay?"

"She's just out of surgery." Al rested his hand on the woman's arm as she was clearly distressed. "She's going to be fine."

"We have some footage, of the dog & maybe some of the number plate of the car. Will that help? I was going to call Animal Control. Has someone already reported it?"

"Not sure, she's family to us." He beckoned Voight over and Lindsay followed him. "Show me what you got."

Janet had told them that an elderly man, who managed to get the dogs off Matilda by kicking it, had helped her. Him and his wife stayed with her until the ambulance arrived. Janet's account was a little shaky; she couldn't really remember what happened once she got to Matilda. She had no idea where the dog went and could only tell them that it was black.

There was some grainy and shaky footage of a woman calling the dog, getting it into the car and driving off. Voight and Lindsay hovered over Al's shoulder as they watched the footage. "Get Mouse onto it. See what he can find out." Voight growled. Someone was about to get a visit.

"Anything we can do to help. Are you sure she is going to be okay?"

Al assured them both that Matilda was going to be fine, that she was being well looked after. He handed them his card. "Give me a call tomorrow and we will let you know what's going on. I know her Dad will be grateful for all your help."

Al would talk to Ruzek about it later, much later.

His mother and father both stuck their heads in, as did Halstead and Lindsay once they were settled back in her room. Atwater bought him in a burger and stayed for a while but Adam wasn't particularly chatty. What he really wanted was to be left alone with Matilda, although he did enjoy the burger. As soon as Atwater walked in with it he realised how hungry he was. They bought in something completely inedible for Matilda that almost made him gag when he lifted the lid and took a whiff of it. Mashed potato, some dried up chicken stew thing and peas. Matilda loved peas, she just loved them cold straight from the freezer not these strange grey looking mushy things. Luckily she was still asleep because there was no way he was feeding her this shit.

When they had all gone he grabbed his phone and finally got around to returning some of his countless messages. He sent one to Amanda, who was away at the moment and had been checking in all afternoon and he also let Ellen know that Matilda was fine and Platt, because if he didn't let her know that Matilda was okay he dare not show his face back at the District any time soon. His phone was filled with messages but he only replied to one more, the simple one he received every day just asking him how his day was. He took a photo of Matilda sleeping beside him with her bandaged arm clearly visible. 'We've had a really shitty day.'

He smiled when his phone rang seconds later and Lana's name flashed on the screen, he didn't even get a word out. "Oh God Adam, what happened? Is Tilly okay?"

"She got bitten on the arm by a dog and needed surgery to close it up. She's okay now."

"Adam I'm so sorry. And you? How are you?"

"I'm better now but I completely freaked out." He leant over and kissed her sleeping head. "When I got here she was screaming the place down, it felt like my heart was being squeezed in a vice and then when they told me she needed surgery….." he paused, unable to hide the pure devastation he felt. "..I was terrified that I would lose her too. Kim went to surgery and never came back."

"Sweetheart, it's okay to be scared. She's back with you now though right? It's all over."

"She is." He ran a finger along her cheek. "She is. I'm not leaving her."

Matilda stirred a little and he snuggled into her, whispering softly how much he loved her. He hated this; he hated having to be here and feeling so helpless. Although she looked comfortable sleeping the thought that she had been drugged and so traumatised had hurt him like nothing else. He felt a warm trickle of tears on his cheeks.

He wanted to give her another bath to wash away any lingering blood and vomit and the memories of the day. The nurse had bought in some towels and warm water so that they could clean her up and Adam insisted on doing it while she continued to sleepy. "You've got a pretty cute girl here." The nurse disconnected her IV as she chatted away to him.

"I do. She looks like her Mom." He dried her gently trying not to upset her. She wasn't happy but fortunately she was still groggy and her attempts at protesting were pretty feeble.

"How long has it just been the two of you?" She hadn't read all her notes but at handover had been told that Adam was a single parent and that Matilda didn't have a mother.

"From the day she was born." He responded sadly as stroked her cheek. "We are taking the world on together."

"She's lucky to have you." It didn't bother him so much anymore when people told him how lucky Matilda was to have him. She wasn't lucky to have lost her mother, but he now did believe that they were both lucky to have each other.

He changed her diaper and got her into her own clothes, she might not care but for some strange reason it made him feel better before he climbed back up on the bed and dozed off beside her, his hand protectively draped over her so that they he could feel her steady breathing and Matilda could feel his presence and she settled almost instantly.

He had no idea how long he had been asleep but a soft kiss bought him out of his slumber. "Hey. You didn't have to come." He grabbed Lana's hand and pulled her in for another kiss and she rested her head on his forehead for a few moments.

Lana leant down and kissed Matilda on cheek. It had only been a couple of weeks since Adam first introduced them but she had fallen in love with the little girl almost instantly. She was beautiful and sweet and watching her and Adam together was truly magical. "I wanted to make sure you are both okay." She held up a bag and dropped it on the table. "And to bring you some food. Just some fruit in case either of you get hungry and maybe a donut or two."

When he called she didn't think twice about coming to see them both. He didn't ask her to come. They were both asleep when she got there and for a few moments she watched them. He wore his heart of his sleeve when it came to his little girl. Perhaps knowing that she only had him, that he was both her mother and her father and she was his whole world made it all the more special. Where she fitted in she didn't know. It was too early to contemplate what the future held for them but she wanted to find out.

"She's still pretty out of it." He was watching Matilda, stroking the hair back from her forehead. Her hair was almost ready for a cut as he now had to clip it back from her face and he loved the little curls that were forming and thought she looked cute with two little ponytails that would stick out at odd angles as she ran. He often laughed at how much his life had changed. He'd think nothing of picking up some clips or hair ties if he saw something cute when he was out and the console of his car and his pockets were filled with them.

"And you?" Lana was almost mimicking him by stroking his wild looking hair. He was due for a haircut apparently but just hadn't found the time, not that she minded. Both short hair or this slightly wild incarnation suited him just fine; just as clean-shaven, stubble or a more substantial beard also suited him. She had learnt that his facial hair did depend on what he had going on at work and it was fascinating to see him morph into someone else almost weekly.

He swallowed a bubble of emotion. "I'm okay."

"Really?"

"It's hard, you know." He closed his eyes as the bubble threatened to break through to the surface. "She only has me and when I got here she was screaming and people she didn't know were holding her down. As soon as I came through the doors I heard her and it felt like I was being tortured. She held onto me so tight and she was scared and hurt and it radiated through me and it is the worst feeling in the world."

"I can imagine."

"And then when she was in surgery, I don't know how I even kept breathing, you know. All the memories from the night she was born came rushing back and it was so fucking hard." He closed his eyes for moment. "Thank you." He squeezed her hand. "For coming."

Lana smiled. "Oh, I don't know Adam, the things you make me do."

"I have a way about me."

She sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed Adam's leg as he closed his eyes. She was surprised when he started to talk. "You know I didn't have anything to do with Matilda for nearly three weeks. She was a couple of weeks old before she even had a name. I blamed her for what happened to Kim. That photo you love, of the two of us sleeping when she was tiny, that was the first day I had anything to do with her." He didn't open his eyes but Lana never took hers off him. "When we got pregnant I worried so much about the baby and what could go wrong, the thought that something could happen to Kim never crossed my mind. I was blindsided."

It was the first time he talked about that night with her, he had always skirted around it. "All of a sudden we had this baby and Kim was looking up at me and she was crying with happiness and then I was standing in the middle of the room with this baby and nothing else. We were a happy family for about five minutes. I couldn't look at her and then one day I held her hand and now I am scared to let her go."

"You don't have to let her go."

"One day I will."

"My Dad still hasn't let me go, we may not see each other much as we would like or talk much as we should but he has never let me go. I think you and Matilda have the most amazing bond, one that will last forever. No one in this world can ever love a girl more than her father does."

Al stopped at just outside the door; he was surprised to see that Adam wasn't alone. As he watched the saw sweet exchange between the two, the comforting kiss and the moment of tenderness as the leant on each other Al felt himself smiling. He had said nothing about seeing someone and Al had no idea how long it had been going on but he was happy for him. For more than a year he had been the best Dad he could be to Matilda and the best cop he could be at work and never took a moment for himself or the time to do something that wasn't about Matilda. If he was doing that now he was glad. He slipped away quietly and left them alone.

When he was ready he would tell him.

"Daddy." It hadn't exactly been the most comfortable night's sleep and it was hard to open his eyes. He had woken up every time they came in to do her obs. "Daddy."

"Hey Tilly." When he finally did prise his eyes open he found those perfect little brown ones staring at him. He kissed her nose. "You're awake." It was still dark on the ward and he wondered what time it was. No doubt it was much earlier than he would have liked it to be.

"Milk."

"You hungry? You must be. Shall we get some toast too?"

"Ta." He loved how she still got 'yes' and 'ta' mixed up. Actually just hearing her voice was the sweetest sound; he didn't really care what came out of her mouth as this point.

Matilda held up her arm, looking at the bandage that was covering her stitches. "Ow, Daddy." The IV had been taken out in the early hours once she had been given her last dose of medication.

"It's all fixed now." Kissing her fingers as she held them up to show him. He loved the innocence of a child, the fact that kissing something better actually worked. Come to think of it, it worked for adults too. When Lana came by last night and kissed him he couldn't deny that he felt better, that it took away some of his pain. Since she had been in his life and kissing him everything was better.

"Ow Daddy, Ow." A few tears started forming in her eyes. "Dog bite me."

"I know, don't cry darlin'." Adam sat up and pulled her into his lap. "It will feel better soon, I promise. Now how about breakfast?"

"Yah."

They bought in some toast and milk for Matilda and she also ate the banana and blueberries that Lana had bought in last night. Once they eaten and had been seen by the Doctor they were allowed home. They curled up on the couch together and watched TV, read some books and dozed on and off. Matilda didn't want to be far from her father and Adam was more than happy to appease her. His mother came over and Adam assured her that he wasn't angry at her about what happened. He was grateful it wasn't so much worse but he was angry with the woman whose dog had bit her. Al was keeping him up to date with that side of the incident.

Al said nothing to him about Lana. He let him go for a few days so that he could settle back down. The incident with Matilda had shaken him up and having to relive the nightmare of Kim's surgery would have bought most people to their knees. Adam may have staggered a little but he never fell and Al knew that he had someone helping him stay upright and for the first time in a long time it wasn't him.


	18. Chapter 18 - Who's at the door?

Al handed Adam a beer while he poured himself a wine. Once a month Al would have him over for dinner to get him out of his house and to ensure that he got to see Matilda. With how busy they were with work sometimes if he didn't make the effort he could go weeks with seeing her and that wasn't good enough because he adored that little girl. He had always regretted that he wasn't around as much as he should have been when Lexie was little. He was a little too focussed on his career back then and didn't realise what he was missing. Perhaps Adam would have gone down the same path if things had been different and while he couldn't change the past he could embrace this opportunity and make sure Adam did too.

It also made Al a little less of a hermit. Since Michelle had split town and his strained relationship with Lexie it was easy for him to go from work to home and back again, night after night. He liked to think of this arrangement as mutually beneficial, not that he would ever tell Ruzek that. He still complained about being everyone's community project. "So, who's the girl?"

Adam almost choked on his beer and did his best to cover his ass by pointing to the toddler who was currently playing in Al's small lounge, her dark hair poking above the table as she concentrated on getting every single little thing out of the toy box. "You losing your marbles Al. That's Matilda."

"Funny." Adam knew damn well what Al meant and that he wasn't believing a word that came out of his mouth but he had to give it a go. "The girl I saw in Matilda's hospital room a couple of weeks ago."

"Oh. That's called a nurse Al."

"Hmm… Nope, try again." He leant his hip against the kitchen bench and waited, staring him down like he would a suspect.

He took his sweet time answering; it was two grown men having a standoff. "That was Lana."

Al's eyes never left his face. "And."

"She's just a woman I know, a friend."

"Yep, sure. I am yet to see you actually speak more than ten words to a woman in more than a year and suddenly I am supposed to believe you'd just let some woman you know kiss you?" He shook his head, emphasising the word woman not once but twice. "Not to mention you hardly let anyone near Matilda even on a good day. Nup, not buying it."

Adam watched Matilda for a few moments. She had recovered well from her injury, the small little scar a constant reminder for Adam but Matilda didn't seem to care. The first few days it had been a challenge to keep her from picking away at it and when the stitches came out it had been an ordeal. Adam had to hold her in a vice like grip, which they both hated while they removed them. It had broken his heart listening to her chest sporadically heaving from the back seat as they drove home.

Fortunately the Dog, once located was up to date with its vaccinations and Matilda wasn't required to continue with her Rabies treatment. Much to everyone's relief because the moment anyone came near her with a needle it was like world war three had erupted.

Safe to say Dogs weren't high on her list of favourite things right now either and if they saw one when they were out she would cling to Adam and literally climb up his leg to get out of the way.

Adam got in contact with the couple that helped his mother and Matilda. They came into the District at his request so that he could thank them properly. He spotted them the moment he came down the stairs, Platt didn't need to point them out. They were the ones holding the Teddy Bear and Balloons.

"Thank you. Matilda will love these. She loves balloons." It was the woman's tears that got to him and made him reach out and hug her. He wasn't all that comfortable with Public Display's of Affection with people he didn't know and particularly not in the middle of the District but he owed these two strangers so much he could never thank them enough.

"No-one can be uncheered with a balloon according to Pooh Bear." The woman added as Adam led them over to the bench and out of the way of the general traffic of the foyer and the over active ears of Platt. "Is your daughter okay?"

"She is, Thank you. Not a big fan of dogs right now though. I can't thank you enough for your help, I appreciated it and I know I have you to thank for it not being so much worse."

"I couldn't believe what was happening." The woman, Fran was nervously clutching her husband's arm. Being in a Police Station was one place she never wanted to experience and Adam's sidearm, tucked into the front of his jeans wasn't helping relieve her fears. Her eyes grew wide when he moved and his jacket fell open revealing the weapon fully.

Her husband added when his wife seemed to clam up. "I've never been so rough with a dog before but it was the only way I could stop it. It let go instantly thank god. I am so glad your daughter wasn't more seriously hurt."

"Thanks to you. Anyway, we found the dog and the owner has been dealt with."

Once Adam was reassured that Matilda was going to be okay the rage kicked it. Lindsay had told him that they were onto it when she checked on Tilly before they left the hospital and Al had stopped by the next day when they had it under control. The last thing Matilda needed right now was for Ruzek to lose the plot and go off the deep end.

Mouse had been able to enhance the number plate, cross match some records and it wasn't long before Intelligence, or more specifically Al and Voight were knocking on a door with Animal Control. Platt was concerned that sending those two along when a Patrol Unit could handle it was like _'using a hammer on an ant'_ but they just patted Platt's hand and told her not to worry.

Fat chance of that, although she did contemplate going with them just to make sure this bitch knew exactly how deep the shit she was in was. No one got away with hurting one precious hair on that little head so she wasn't all that upset to think the full force of Intelligence was about to pay them a visit.

"Not the usual type of Intelligence case?" Al commented as they headed down the front steps. It probably was overkill but when it was family those minor details got overlooked. Particularly when they were twiddling their thumbs, if they didn't find something to do the higher ups would no doubt find some training for them to do.

"I suppose the long guns would have been overkill." Voight smirked.

Platt called after them. "Try not to shoot anyone." They both just waved their hands as they disappeared.

"Maybe one day we can meet at the park or something and you can see for yourself. Perhaps bring your own dog along. I don't want her to always fear them." Talking to them on the phone he learnt that they had a little miniature dachshund and he was sure that Matilda, given half the chance would love it. He liked the old couple and he would be forever grateful to them for what they did.

He hoped that Matilda would get over her distrust and fear of dogs one day because he would love to get her a dog once they were in a house with a yard. They had started looking for something as his apartment was getting far to small to contain the force of nature Matilda had become. While she had a lot of Kim's traits she also shared some of his and one of those was she was busy…constantly on the move from the moment she opened her eyes until she crashed at the end of the day and that was all Adam. The plan was to find a place before summer so that she could have a yard to play in and then he could get her a swing set and cubby house and he wouldn't have to sit in the park for hours on end every weekend.

Adam rested his elbows on the bench and rolled the beer bottle between his hands. "I met her through Kim's sister, we've been seeing each other for a couple of months. It's been going great but I am still working it all out. Lucky she is patient with me and Matilda really likes her too, which is the main thing." Adam wasn't quite ready for this, to explain his relationship to anyone because he was honestly still trying to figure it out himself, honestly he was too busy lying to himself that it was something quite casual when clearly it was fast becoming much more than that. "I don't want to make a big deal of it yet, can we keep it between us for now? You know what Erin and Platt are like." Al nodded, he was more than happy to keep it to himself if it meant that Adam would give it a chance. "I really like her Al."

"I could tell and right now, talking about her you look happy too."

"I am."

"Can I meet her?"

"Sure, one day when I am sure she is so into me that not even you can scare her off, Old Man."

Before Al had the chance to answer Matilda toddled into the kitchen. "Al, broke." She shoved the doll that had one arm missing into his hands. It was one of Lexie's old toys and it had always had a dodgy arm and didn't take much to dislodge it. He had no idea how many times he had tried to fix it or throw it out, but it was like a bad penny, it kept turning up and Matilda loved it. "Fix Al."

"Oh dear. Let's see what we can do." He lifted her up and sat her up on the bench and asked for her help. Adam watched them together and it was obvious it was a mutual adoration society. He really loved watching people interact with her, it was fascinating to watch her develop all these relationships, each and every one of them different. With Al she was quiet and serious, Atwater had her swinging from the rafters and Erin was, up until now her girly friend. They dressed dolls together, painted their nails and giggled. Perhaps it would be nice if Al and Lana met, it could be a way of easing her into this and Al's opinion also meant the world to him.

True to his word Al said nothing when they were at work unless they were alone in the car and he would ask how Lana was and how they were going. He nagged and nagged until Ruzek finally relented and invited him to dinner.

"Who's at the door?" Adam asked Matilda when her ears pricked up upon hearing a knock on the door. "Is it Bear?"

"No." She shook her head as the door opened. "Al, Al, Al." she bounced up and down and held up her arms waiting to be picked up.

"I swear to god Ruzek what do you feed my little lady. She's like a wind up toy."

"Maybe she's just happy to see you? Count yourself lucky. You think she's gonna be this happy to see you when she's a teenager and you are stalking her boyfriends?" Not that Al would be the only one; Matilda had no idea what awaited her.

She dragged Al off towards her little toy farm and they proceeded to make all sorts of animal noises together. "Oh." Suddenly she jumped up when she heard the knock. "Bear." She yelled excitedly as she took off towards the door. Whenever there was a knock at the door Matilda was always there to greet whoever was on the other side, he didn't need a doorbell or a dog because he had a toddler. If he didn't know better, and witness her excitement when he came home everyday he would start to get a complex. Matilda seemed way to enthusiastic to see any one else.

"Yay." She clapped when Adam opened the door and revealed Lana. She bent down and kissed Matilda before holding onto her hand and greeting Adam. It hadn't taken long for him to be bumped down the list.

"Oh Hey." Al appeared behind them. "I'm Al." Lana held out her hand for Al to shake and instead he pulled her in for a quick hug before Lana was barely through the door. "Al, it's Bear." Matilda happily declared.

She apologised for being late, the meeting she had ran late. "I was really hoping to get here earlier, I think you've been exposed to Adam's cooking for long enough."

"I like her already." Al took her bag and handed them to Adam to deal with. "So let me get you a wine and you can tell me all about why you think this is a good idea." He pointed at Ruzek who just rolled his eyes, closed the door and started to think this was the stupidest decision he had made in a long time.

"It's really just Matilda." Lana laughed and looked down at the little girl who was still holding onto her hand. "I can't resist her."

He was starting to regret this. Lana was learning far too much about him from Al. "Don't ruin the mystery Al." he tried to put the brakes on when Al started telling her about the day he pulled him out of the academy.

Al completely ignored him "He had such a baby face. He was so bloody cocky but kinda dumb. He was like this over excited little puppy dog. I had to keep whacking him on the nose to get him into line." Adam could do nothing but sit back and try and limit the damage and hopelessly attempt to defend himself. He was nervous when he had to leave them to put Matilda to bed and desperately tried to get Matilda to ask Al to read her a story "No Daddy do it." She answered defiantly shoving a book in his hands and he swore that they were all in on it together.

Al continued his story until Adam was out of earshot and then suddenly changed tack. "You know, it's been a long time since I've seen him this happy. I think he deserves it."

"I know he's been through a lot and he's still dealing with all that."

"More than most men and so many times we've had to pick him up but he always got up. That little girl saved him." A small smile lit up Al's face.

"I love watching them together, they just have this thing ya know. He's so good with her, he's a great Dad."

"He is and he's a good cop, he's becoming a great cop, one of the best. I love that kid."

"I think the feeling is mutual Al." Lana accepted Al's offer to top up her glass. "He talks about you a lot."

"He's given me grey hairs, driven me to the edge on several occasions and can be painfully annoying when we are camped out on a stake out. The smaller the room or car the more annoying he is, but I wouldn't give him back."

Lana nodded. "Neither would I."

"And Matilda, god I love that little lady. He's doing such a good job with her. I have two daughters and those relationships are not as good as I would hope, but that's another story." Al waved his hand, indicating that he was not going any deeper into that. "Matilda and Ruzek though, those two are like two peas in a pod."

Al looked thoughtful for a moment. "When Matilda was hurt I was worried that it would knock him on his arse again. There have been times that he has barely managed to put one foot in front of the other but he always had someone, one of us from Intelligence or his family there to help him stay on course. I came by the hospital that night because I thought he would need someone but he didn't. I saw you with him and I knew that he had found what he needed. I am happy for him, like you wouldn't believe."

"Thanks Al." Lana leant forward and squeezed his hand. "I think he's pretty special too."

"Don't hurt him."

"Not in my plans."

Al hooked one arm around Ruzek's neck and kissed him on the forehead as he was leaving. "It's okay to be happy now." He whispered to his young charge, his relationship with this guy was probably the one he was most proud of.

Lana watched the exchange between the two men, it was really the first time she had seen him interact with anyone he was close too. She knew that Adam had a huge heart and that at times he hid it away behind the mask of a clown, probably to protect himself but there were moments he let his guard down. Usually they involved Matilda but she saw it that night as well, with Al.

"Al seems to like you." He was happy to finally have her in his arms as they relaxed on the couch. "Might have to watch myself."

"He's sweet. He worries about you."

"Yep." Adam's eyes glazed over for a second and he kissed Lana on the head so that he could bury his face and take a moment. Bit by bit he was revealing parts of his past to her, peeling away the layers and letting her see all his fears and pain, but along with that she was also seeing the love he had in him. "He was the only person that never told me that I was lucky to have Tilly, that I should be grateful that I had her in those first few weeks. He let me be angry and sad and whatever I needed to be. He let me feel whatever I needed to feel and he was always honest with me. Still is. He is the one person I can pick up the phone and he just has to hear my voice and he comes running. I love that guy like you wouldn't believe."

"I get that feeling."

"Yeh. Even when I piss him off." He chuckled. There had been plenty of those moments. "And Matilda thinks the sun shines out of his arse."

"Not as much as she thinks the sun shines out of you."

"Ha." Adam started tracing her collarbone with his finger. "I should make the most of it, give it a couple of years and I doubt that I will be feeling the love."

Lana wiggled around in his arms so that she was facing him. "Perhaps I should stick around for a bit and make sure you feel some love." She bit her bottom lip nervously while she waited for him to respond. It didn't come out quite as she expected it too and she hoped that he didn't misinterpret what she meant. When he didn't answer she added quickly. "I meant tonight, perhaps I should stick around now and…"

Adam didn't let her finish; he leant down and captured her lips in a fierce kiss. "You can do whatever you want to me right now. I'm open to all suggestions, be they subtle or blatant."

It was with some trepidation that Adam climbed the stairs to the Bullpen the next morning. He relaxed as Al just nodded at him but he waited for the inevitable conversation. As soon as they were sent out on a job he turned to Al. "So, spit it out."

"What?" He pulled the toothpick from his mouth and tried to look surprised.

"Spit it out Al, you've looked like you've swallowed a bug all morning. I know you want to say something."

"Dinner was nice." Adam rolled his eyes as the got in the car and the silence was a little unnerving. He was starting to think that Al didn't like her and that would have surprised him because they seemed as thick as thieves last night. "You know you don't need my approval."

"Ya think?" Adam flicked through the file in his lap. "Maybe I care what you think? Ever thought of that? It's all a little new for me, this dating thing."

"Dating is not a new thing for you, you've done it before."

"Okay, dating as a widow with a one year old is new."

"True." He fell silent again and knew that he was driving Ruzek insane with his reticence to elaborate. "So where are we going again."

Ruzek gave him the address again, clearly exasperated. "Just drive old man, I'll tell you when to turn."

When they pulled up at the address Al finally spoke as the got out of the car. He leant across the roof and got his attention by rapping his knuckles on the thin metal. "Hey Ruzek, I think you should stick it out with Lana. She gets you."

"Thanks Al." That was all he needed to hear. They had spent so much time in their own bubble he needed a little perspective.

"Just don't wait too long."

"Too long for what?"

"You can't keep her hidden from your real life forever, at some point you have to let people know that you've taken that step, that you have met someone. She's not going hang around waiting for you to put Kim in the past."

"Wow." He shook his head a little. "I'm not."

"You sure? I get that you are protective of Matilda and that's why you held off until you knew they would get along. You know what? They do; Matilda adores her and she adores Matilda. So what are you waiting for?"

"Nothing."

"I'm not convinced. Just make sure you know what you are doing."


	19. Chapter 19 - Not as Bad as Last Year

"Who's that?" he whispered as he crouched down beside Matilda and pointed to the group in front of them. Fortunately it wasn't too busy and they found who they were looking for pretty quickly.

"Ahhh. Bear." Matilda squealed a little and took off towards them. He laughed a little to himself, if only people knew how long he had agonised over what to dress Matilda in that morning. He wanted to make it look like he knew what he was doing and he did love how cute she looked in jeans, white sweater and her hot pink Doc Martens as she ran away from him. Thanks to Amanda, Erin and his mother in law Matilda had more clothes than she could possibly need and now Lana seemed to be getting in on the act. He'd learnt that all he had to do was nod and say 'cute' and things just happened around him.

Lana looked down when she felt something wrapping around her leg and broke into a huge smile. "Tilly." She bent down and scooped her up and planted a kiss on the smiling girl's cheek. "What are you doing here? Where's your Daddy?" she looked around and spotted him standing a little way back and smiling. He was clutching Matilda's coat and scarf and bouncing lightly on his heels, a little nervous habit he had which she found very endearing. For someone who was very confident his moments of self-doubt intrigued her and the vulnerability of him was hypnotic.

"Daddy." She pointed at happily at Adam and then clapped her hands. "See fish."

Matilda wiggled free and ran back to where her father was waiting with Lana following close behind. "Well hi, this is a surprise." He greeted her with a soft kiss.

"I thought we'd surprise you and join you for lunch. If that's okay?" Lana had told him that she was taking her parents to the Aquarium in the morning. They had arrived a few days ago and were in town for a couple of days before heading up to Canada for a trip through the Rockies before coming back to Chicago for Christmas and to spend a few weeks with their daughter.

"Of course it is. It's more than okay." She grabbed Adam's hand and led him towards her parents as Matilda happily followed along, holding Adam's hand tightly. "Fish Daddy." She asked again.

"Mum, Dad. This is Adam." She introduced them. "And this is Matilda." She tickled her cheek lightly. Lana still couldn't believe that he had turned up out of the blue; he had given her no indication that he was going to come and they had not made any plans for them to meet at all while they were in Chicago this time, it was also a Sunday. Matilda buried her head in Adam's legs when Carol Barrett bent down to say hello.

"Matilda and I thought we'd take you to lunch."

"I am not sure someone's all that keen." Carol laughed as Matilda held on his legs even tighter. He was stroking the back of her neck trying to make coax her out of her shell.

"Daddy Up." She tried to climb her way up Adam's legs so he picked her up and she buried her head into his shoulder. Eventually she peeked out at the strangers. She didn't like people she didn't know at the moment and even those she did often got shunned and right now she was clinging to Adam like shit to a blanket.

"At the moment she seems to like approximately three people." It had been going on for about a month and she didn't like being left with anyone, which made mornings unpleasant even though she knew the people she was with. Adam was the only person she wanted and for some reason she was only happy if she knew he was close by.

Carol had been a little surprised when Lana had told her the previous night that she had been seeing someone for a few months and that he had a child. At first she imagined that he was much older with a teenage child and that didn't rock her world. "And do we get to meet him?" She asked with a little hint of exasperation.

"I am sure you will but maybe not until you get back." Her mother worried about her living over here all alone. "Adam's working today and I don't usually see him on Sundays." She knew they had caught a case late on Friday, which had rolled over into Saturday and Adam had moaned about in it an early morning phone call. He had sent her a message late in the afternoon telling her that he had just got home and was hoping to get Matilda into bed early so that he could crash.

"Why not?"

"He spends Sunday with his daughter." She saw he mother roll her eyes. "It's not like that."

"Let me guess? His ex doesn't want you to have anything to do with his child?" They had been down this path with Lana's brother. His marriage ended horribly and they still fought over the children, each doing their best to hurt the other and her two grandsons had become the pawns. It annoyed Carol no end and she didn't get to see her grandchildren as much as she would have liked.

"No, not at all. He's a cop and he works long hours and sometimes doesn't get much time with her during the week as he would like so Sunday's are their thing, Sunday Fun day he calls them. She is almost eighteen months old and Adam takes care of her full time." Lana was always unsure how much she wanted to reveal knowing how much Adam hated people's sympathy and pity but the unimpressed look of her mother's face made her blurt it out. "His wife died just after she gave birth so it just been them from the start."

"Oh." Carol apologised immediately and Lana made her promise that she wouldn't bring it up unless Adam did explaining that he would get uncomfortable when people naturally wanted to talk to him about it. He found it strange that people had a morbid curiosity about what happened to Kim and how he felt about how Matilda would grow up without a mother. People made him feel like he wasn't capable of raising a child just because he was male. He already felt guilty enough; he didn't want to think that Matilda was going to be permanently ' _damaged'_ by her upbringing.

He was mortified when someone asked him if he wished Matilda had been a boy because it would have been better if he were raising a boy instead of a girl. _How will you cope when she hits puberty?_ Puberty!…at that stage he hadn't even made it through the first year.

"It's okay. He has every right to do what he thinks is best for her."

"So you don't have anything to do with his daughter?"

"No, I do. Matilda is an angel and I really like spending time with both of them but Sunday's is his thing and it's important to him and Matilda always comes first. I have known that from the start and it's working well for us. Please don't worry, I'm not." Lana reassured her mother. "And trust me, when you see them together it's pretty amazing. He's a beautiful father and I guarantee it will melt your heart."

"Matilda?"

"I know, funny huh? That he named is daughter a good strong Aussie name."

For the first few weeks Lana didn't see Matilda. They would catch up when she was already in bed or on the rare occasion he got out without her. His mother would sometimes take her for a few hours on a Saturday if Adam had errands to run as he often didn't get much time during the week. They had been out a few times at night but it was rare, Adam preferred to stay in. He didn't like using people to babysit all the time when they already did so much for them during the week

Initially when they first started sleeping together Lana never stayed all night, not until she had met Matilda and then when had asked her to stay if Matilda woke during the night he would get up and take her into the spare room to sleep instead of bringing her back to his bed like he usually did. It had unsettled her a little at the start.

"It's hard to explain." He wasn't even sure he knew how or why he felt the way he did. "I don't know why. It feels like it is something that you share with your parents; I wouldn't want her in bed with anyone else. Does that make sense? It's not you, it's me." He groaned at how clichéd that sounded. For such a long time he only had to think about how he felt about the decisions he made regarding Matilda, thinking about someone else was hard to wrap his head around.

Adam felt terrible that he had upset Lana and he tried to reassure her that it was all him. She didn't quite understand it. "Do you think I am trying to take her mother's place?"

"No. Not at all." Adam was struggling to make her understand. He didn't even really understand it himself. "I'm sorry okay? He added helplessly, being with Lana was the easy part, easier than he thought it would be but navigating how much a part of Matilda's life he wanted her to be at this early stage was challenging. While things were going well he still didn't know what the future held for them and he didn't want Matilda to be affected should it all go pear shape. He didn't want another person to disappear from her life.

Then one morning she had woken about 5am. Adam had lay awake listening to her for a while hoping that she would go back to sleep which she occasionally did but when she started talking and calling out for him it was all over. He rolled over begrudgingly hauled himself out of bed.

He made himself a coffee and was sitting in the lounge watching Matilda play happily on the floor. She was perfect, not always perfectly well behaved but he thought she was perfect. Her whole life had been surrounded by love and in that regard she was lucky. Perhaps it wasn't a traditional family and the life that he had hoped for his child but this was the hand they were dealt.

They weren't normal but they were happy. He was happy with her but he wanted more for himself. Making some toast and another coffee he took them into the still sleeping woman in his bed. She was kind and patient and so beautiful inside and out and he knew that he was starting to care about her deeply and she adored Matilda. He slipped back out of the room and grabbed Matilda. He put her down on the floor and pointed to the bed. Matilda shrieked as she ran to the bed and Adam helped her climb up. He dropped down on the bed as Lana stirred. "Bear." Matilda crawled all over her.

"Good Morning Sunshine." She looked at Adam who was propped up on one elbow. He looked happier than she had ever seen him and she felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel. Slowly but surely they were moving towards something bigger.

Meeting her parents was part of that. "Tilly." Adam tickled her a little to get her to unbury her head from his shoulder. "Shall we go and see some fish."

"Yes Daddy fish." She made a fish face and popping noise with her mouth, which made them all laugh. Carol stood back and watched as Adam swung Matilda up onto his shoulders. She was delighted that her daughter looked so happy, she looked like she was falling in love.

Lana walked them out to his car after lunch. "Thank you for today. It was a nice surprise." Adam leant on the car and Lana shielded herself from the bitter cold by letting him wrap his arms around her.

"Not a problem. Hey, Tuesday night want to come over? I want to explain something to you." Initially Lana used to freak out a little when he said he wanted to talk about something but she had come to realise that was how he announced that he wanted to talk about his past with Kim. Gradually he was letting her see beneath the layers, he was removing the bricks that he had built around his heart.

Adam sent her a message letting her know he was finally on his way home. As she put her bag down on the table he grabbed her from behind and buried his head in her neck. "My mother has a bit of a crush on you." She tilted her neck so that he could nuzzle it for a little longer. It was well after eight and he had just got home from picking Matilda up from his Dad's place and pulled her from the car already asleep and got her into bed without waking her. It was great that she would sleep through just about anything but he did miss her. He loved bath time and tried his best to get home in time. Some nights he managed to get home, bath her and read her a story before heading back to work.

"Good to hear. Have you eaten?" He knew she had come straight from work also.

"Yes. And let me guess? You had a burger on the way home."

"How can you tell?"

"I can smell it on you." She licked his lips as she kissed him. "And I can taste it still."

Adam laughed. She had just seamlessly fitted into his life. It wasn't a small thing; asking someone to take on you and your child and all your baggage and god knows he had some pretty heavy bags but Lana seemed to take it all in her stride. They had a few moments when things wobbled a little as Adam tried to let go of his past and embrace a future that didn't include Kim.

"So you wanted to talk." Lana pulled him towards the couch after she grabbed two beers from the fridge.

"I know I told you that Kim and I split up for a while."

"Her partner right?"

"Yeah." The thought of Roman often still pissed him off. He could have let go of his anger at seeing him at her funeral if it wasn't for all the other crap he tried to pull. Turning up at the hospital and trying to see Matilda, then his accusation that he was to blame for Kim's death and sending presents to Matilda Burgess. He hadn't told Lana a lot about that yet. "Anyway, when she called off our engagement she did it because I blew off meeting her Mom. It was pretty shitty of me and at the time I didn't think it was a big deal but she had been having doubts about me already and that was the last straw."

"Doubts?"

"Hmmm. It was all pretty fucked up and her partner was putting all these doubts in her head and getting her to play mind games with me about setting a date for the wedding. Things went to shit after that and I blew off a dinner with her mom and she called off the engagement and she ended up screwing him."

"Wow, so she cheated on you?" That was completely unexpected. She knew about the broken engagement but not the reason behind it or what happened when they were apart. He had told her how they got back together and that it had been a rocky road for a bit and she didn't really push him because it seemed to be a big enough of an issue just admitting those things to her.

"No." He snapped a little too harshly. "We weren't together. Still hurt like all hell though." Lana mumbled an apology when she saw the look on his face; that pain still ran deep.

Adam stared off into space for a moment. They had put it behind them but having had so much time to think about every single moment of their time together over the past eighteen months things had reared their ugly head on more than one occasion.

"Anyway. I learnt my lesson. I wanted to explain it to you why I came and met your parents. I know you didn't ask me to but I wanted to and I don't want to make the same mistakes. I want you to know that I really do think this..." He looked at her with some trepidation, she could tell by that nervous little bite on the bottom corner of his lip. "This thing we are doing is pretty good."

"You know what? So do I." She put her bottle of beer on the table and literally jumped into his lap. He grabbed the back of her thighs and dug his fingers into her legs while she kissed his neck, any tiredness he felt disappearing rapidly.

"So now that I have met your parents, I think maybe we should think about meeting everyone else." Lana stopped kissing him and sat back and looked a little surprised. Of all the good things they had going on it wasn't all smooth sailing. Lana tried not to let that fear, the memory of past experiences consume her. It wasn't the same, she knew that but sometimes it was hard to keep telling herself that.

"I already know Amanda and Peter."

"Yes, yes you do but I am pretty sure they have no idea we are having this mind blowingly awesome sex on a very regular basis." Adam's hands were on her thighs, creeping higher and higher.

"Are you sure you are ready for that?"

"No, not at all but I can't keep you hidden here forever." He slipped his hands up under her shirt. "And Al, he seems to like you."

"Al is so cool."

Adam tilted his head to one side. "Hmmm, am I sensing a little bit of a crush? Do I have to watch you two?"

"Maybe just a little."

"Does that make me seem like a prick? Being worried about introducing you to everyone else. You know it's not because I am not really happy with you, don't you?" Al had been right, he was holding back out of fear of what people would think. They were comfortable together and it was easier to just let things be but how long was Lana willing to play second fiddle to his fears. Occasionally he would see it on her face or hear it in her voice when he found a reason not to go out together. It was harder with Matilda and she understood that but even when he had a rare night without her it would either be a quiet dinner somewhere or he would come over to her place.

"I think I understand. It's not easy sometimes you know but I get it. I really do, it's just hard." Running her hands up his arms and burying her fingers into the hair at he nape of his neck she took a deep breath.

"I know and I am trying. I don't want you to feel like this." He lifted her off his lap, stood up and pulled her up with him. "Let me show you how I feel about you." He dragged her off to the bedroom. It was another one of his moves, using his immeasurable physical charms to make her forget what they were talking about and it always worked.

Ellen leapt off the couch. "They are here." She shrieked. She had arrived late last night to spend Christmas with her family in Chicago. She hadn't seen Matilda for a few months except on Skype. Adam always called her at least once a week so that she could see Matilda and talk to her and he was always sending her photos and videos of her latest achievements or he would post her a drawing or painting that she had done, not that they were masterpieces by any stretch of the imagination but he knew that Ellen loved getting them. He didn't want her Grandmother to be a stranger to her.

Adam chuckled when he saw his mother in law charging from the house, barely stopping to put her coat and boats on. "Get ready Tilly, here comes Grandma." It was a bitterly cold day, very typically late December in the Northwest. She barely gave Adam a kiss before pulling open the back door of his truck and greeting her granddaughter. "Oh my god Adam look at her, she's grown so much."

"She certainly has, brace yourself she also has a shitload of sugar on board." He laughed as he grabbed their bags from the back and Ellen carried Matilda and he was glad, for once that she didn't throw a tantrum when Ellen got her out of the car.

"Ellen, just before we go in can I talk to you for a second?" His heart was racing a little. He waited until she stopped fussing over Matilda and turned to face him. "I just want you to be the first to know. Amanda has invited a friend and her parents for dinner."

Ellen nodded and Adam swallowed hard. "Amanda doesn't know, but Lana and I have been seeing each other for a couple of months. I wanted you to know before she gets here so that you are not blindsided. Nobody else knows."

"Oh okay." Matilda was squirming in her arms. "Thanks for letting me know." He wasn't sure if she was impressed or not but the door flung open and cut the conversation short.

"Sorry we are a little late Bug." He greeted a very excited Amanda. "Merry Christmas. Tilly crashed out after lunch when the first sugar rush wore off. I didn't have the heart to wake her knowing full well what lie ahead and she has reloaded thanks to my Pops."

The moment Matilda wiggled her way free of Ellen's arms she was off and running towards Zoe and the Christmas tree. "You've had a good day then?" Amanda took the wine that he bought from his arms and he followed her through to the kitchen.

"Yep." He had spent last night at his mother's house so that they could wake up all together. Lunch had been with his Dad and that side of the family and now they were here for dinner and to stay the night. Tomorrow it was the work family. Antonio and Sylvie were having a lunch at their place with some of the guys from 51 and Intelligence and he knew that would be full on also.

He heard Matilda yell out "Bear" from the other room and it bought him out of his musings and a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. He knew precisely who had just arrived. He struggled to keep a straight face when Amanda had told him that she was inviting Lana and her parents to dinner and he knew it was because she was still trying to set them up and they often laughed at her desperate attempts.

The look on Amanda's face was priceless when they walked back into the lounge and found Matilda bouncing up and down holding onto Lana's hand and calling her _'Bear.'_

"Bear?" she turned to Adam who had the biggest grin on his face and a definite twinkle in his eye. "She's been talking about Bear for weeks and you told me it was a book you were reading. That's Bear? Adam Ruzek, you are one sneaky bastard." Amanda playfully shoved him in the side.

"That's Bear." He grinned and walked towards them and squeezed Lana's hand and he was glad that he had given Ellen the heads up. He introduced them and Ellen's smile was a little forced but she was polite. She wanted him to be happy but it was a painful to see him with someone other than her daughter.

When he saw Ellen disappear into the kitchen and he found her starting out the window into Amanda's darkened backyard. The snow had just started falling again and it was peaceful, calming her turbulent emotions. Special occasions always hit her hard; Kim loved them. Christmas was her favourite time of the year and last year had been an emotional rollercoaster and she was hoping this year would be better for everyone. "Ellen. You okay?"

"Sure Adam." Her voice was a little wobbly and just as Adam missed Kim everyday so did Ellen. Not having her daughter around, particularly at times like these was hard and she had never got used to coming to Chicago and not seeing her. "It's great to see you happy again."

"But it's a little strange right?" He grabbed hold of her hand. "You know I felt strange about it too, for a long time. I still love Kim, so much and everyday I get to spend time with her through Matilda. I am so grateful that I have her, that I have a part of Kim with me helps me keep going. Nothing is ever going to change that."

"I know and she is just amazing. You are doing such a wonderful job with her and I am so proud of you." She wiped away a tear. "Lana seems really nice and Matilda really likes her."

"It took me a long time to be okay with even the thought of dating. Some of the guys at work convinced me to go out on some dates and they were pretty ordinary and my first thought was always is this someone I want around my daughter? Matilda always comes first, she always will. Lana adores her and I really like her."

"I am happy for you, I really am and I knew this day would come." She stood on tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "I love you Adam, I want the absolute best for you and Matilda and I know Kim would too. So.." she tugged on his hand. "Let's go, I want to get to know this woman who is mending your broken heart and loving my grand daughter."

While Adam let Ellen bath Matilda he grabbed a few minutes alone with Lana before he took over putting Matilda to bed because he knew that she would not allow anyone but him do it. It was enough of a challenge to get Matilda to let her Grandmother bath her.

He pulled Lana into the kitchen, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her softly and slowly. "Hey."

"Well how did I do?"

"You did good." He kissed her again. "I've missed you the last few days." His work had been crazy, they were trying to tie up any loose ends before a week off and Lana had her parents back in town so that took care of her time. Getting ready for Christmas had been a bigger task than he imagined. Last year it all seemed to happen around him. He was still struggling back then and it was Matilda's first Christmas, which made it twice as hard.

"How are you doing anyway?" Tightening her arms around his waist and taking a few seconds to appreciate the pleasure she got from being in his arms.

He tilted his head back and sucked in a long slow breath as he stared at the ceiling. "Not as bad as last year." Nothing could be as bad as last year. Coupled with the fact that it was their first Christmas Matilda had been miserable. She was inconsolable .It made him feel like shit, that he couldn't cheer her up. Even when she did sit and start playing with her toys as soon as he went to move away she started again, reaching out for him and demanding to be picked up and her only brief periods of sleep was in his arms.

"Tilly's had a good day though."

"She has, last year she cried all day and when I say all day I mean _all day_. Nobody could get her to stop so we ended up home and in bed by seven, alone and miserable. It was horrible. I have no idea what was wrong with her but she was not happy that's for sure. This year though, she seems to be enjoying herself and that's all that matters."

"It's not all that matters, you matter too." She ran a hand through his hair. "Okay?"

He nodded but she couldn't help but notice the tears in his eyes.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Surprise...A #onechicago treat for you...**

Adam felt he had barely crawled into bed when Matilda woke. This had to stop, she was getting too used to sleeping in his bed and he was getting lazy. It was just easier when he was tired, which was pretty much everyday to let her come in to his bed knowing that she fell straight back to sleep. He would hold her off for as long as possible if Lana was staying but it wasn't often that they weren't all sharing a bed at some point.

Matilda stayed with Ellen while he went and picked up Lana so that they could spend as much time together as possible while she was in town. Adam made the most of the brief time alone he got in the car. People had surrounded him for the past few days and despite everyone's best intentions to take his mind off things he needed time to breathe. The first thing he did when he got in the car was turn off the bloody Wiggles. He hated them, with a passion but Matilda demanded it as soon as he turned the key in the ignition. "Button Daddy." Was her way of asking for him to turn them on. He cursed those men and women daily. They could take their coloured skivvies and shove them where the sun don't shine.

"I should be more nervous than you?" She teased him as they drove to Antonio's after going back to pick up Matilda. "You look like you are about to spew."

"I do not." He nudged her shoulder playfully, but she was right, he was nervous. "Well, I know that they are going to love you but I am not sure you are really prepared for the onslaught."

"Bring it on Baby. Right Tilly?" She looked back at Matilda who clapped her hands at the sound of her name.

"And I know what you women are like, the mere sight of a fireman sends you weak at the knees."

"Honestly any man in a uniform will do it for me, perhaps you should think about that for a minute." Adam rolled his eyes. "But I do find the gun and badge thing pretty hot." She ran her hand up his leg. "It gets me all tingly."

Stopping her from going any further by gabbing her wrist Adam light-heartedly warned her. "Good to know, but you can stop right there. Let's think of the child in the backseat shall we?"

Without a doubt she was nervous, but excited at the same time. Obviously she already knew Al and they got on like a house on fire, which Adam was happy about. It worried him when they were together because he was always on the receiving end of their ribbing and they seemed to be conspiring against him constantly. He still felt like he was throwing her to the wolves though. Amanda was always going to be easy because she already knew Lana and had been desperately trying to get them together for months. This mob could do anything.

Matilda was first through the door and she had no idea where to go first. This Christmas thing was right up her alley and she'd obviously inherited that gene from her mother. Adam would have done anything to avoid Christmas until he met Kim. It was her favourite time of the year and it was hard not to get sucked in. He did like that Matilda seemed to be embracing it; that would make Kim happy so he just ran with it.

Atwater's booming voice and welcoming arms won her over and she took off in his direction as fast as her little legs could carry her and Kevin had her up swinging in the air and squealing within seconds. They barely noticed Adam walking in behind Matilda nor the woman standing beside him holding his hand tightly.

"Adam Ruzek." Erin yelled from the across the room, finally turning her attention to Adam and noticing that he wasn't alone. "I knew it. I just knew it."

He squeezed Lana's hand and whispered. "Well now they know."

Every set of eyes in the room turned to the newly arrived couple. "Brace yourself Baby." After introducing Lana to Erin, Jay and Gabby he was left to find out what Matilda was up to as Erin dragged Lana away. "You and I are going to have a chat in a little bit." She poked Adam in the chest. "But first I am going to get this lovely lady a drink because if she is with you, she'll need one."

"Yo Ruzek." Atwater screwed up his face and was holding Matilda up in the air. "This little homie seems to have something nasty brewing down back."

"You know the rules Kev, you found it, you fix it." Ruzek was having none of it until Atwater unceremoniously dumped her in his arms. He couldn't say he blamed him because it was nasty. Shit food going in meant equally bad shit came out.

"So dude?" Atwater handed him a beer when he got back from dealing with Matilda and disposing of her nuclear waste. "How'd you hook that one?"

"I am not completely useless Kev, I do have some charms." He laughed and Kev nodded before he added. "Really I just waved Tilly in her direction. It seems cute kids are kinda like a puppy, the ladies love 'em." Matilda ran over and dumped a truck that she had pilfered from Louie in his lap.

It quickly descended into a fight when Louie tried to take it back and Matilda burst into tears.

"It's mine." She tried to reef the truck back out of Louie's hands. "Mine."

"No, it's mine." The little boy was having none of it and Adam grabbed her hand as she went to lash out at Louie. He was not impressed. "Stop it Matilda. It's Louie's truck. We do not hit people." Matilda threw herself into Adam's lap in tears.

"Obviously she didn't see this side of her too early." Louie looked at him smugly and wandered off with his truck while he waited for Matilda to calm down. Once she had settled down he sent her off with a book in search of Lana.

"Bear, Bear." Matilda called for her as she came toddling through from the kitchen clutching a book in her hands. Adam was worried that Erin was spending a little too much time drilling her about their burgeoning relationship. She had so many questions that needed answering. He had done his best to prepare her for the onslaught and was pretty confident she could handle it but that still didn't stop him worrying that Erin would go a little overboard, with all the best intentions of course. "Book Bear." She plonked the book on her lap. "Ta."

"She calls you Bear?" Erin chuckled as Lana helped Matilda climbed up into her lap and opened the book waiting for her to start reading.

"They both do, Adam started it. I told him off for calling me a Koala Bear once and it just kind of stuck. Tilly just picked it up and I kinda like it. It's sweet." Erin watched them together. Matilda was such a sweet girl; from the moment Erin first held her in her arms she felt a fierce and passionate love for her. She doubted she could love her more even if she was her own child. It wasn't up to her to decide whom Adam shared his life with but she knew that he would want to know that everyone approved. He had always been the type of person who wanted everyone to be happy.

Lana closed her eyes when they got back in the car. "You look tired?" Adam squeezed her leg.

"I got the third degree from just about everyone." She rolled her head to the side and watched him as he drove. Sometimes he took her breath away, when he looked happy and content he was at his most beautiful. And that was it, you could call him handsome or good looking but she preferred to call him beautiful and she loved looking at him. Matilda was sound asleep in the back having crashed before they even left. She'd appeared out of nowhere with her donkey tucked under her arm and leant on Adam's legs as he stood talking to Severide. The instant he picked her up she rested her head on his shoulder and drifted off and didn't even stir when he put her in the car. "They are very protective of you."

"Obsessively so, but I think it is more Matilda that they worry about." He honestly did think that they would step over him without a backward glance if the choice were between him and Matilda.

"They adore her. Though that's not hard to do."

"Did you freak them out with your insane language?" Adam still struggled at times to keep up with her conversations. It had been made all the worse when her parents arrived and they had decided to tell him a story using complete Aussie slang, he had zero idea what they were talking about. It was something about a Ute and a U-ey and going to the servo and the bottlo and getting some dead horse for their snags. They all took great delight in his obvious confusion.

"Kevin is a big teddy bear."

"Why? What did he do?"

"He's your best friend so he kept reminding me, he wants to take me out have a long hard chat to me and that hug at the end was intense. He loves you, Bro." Adam chuckled at her mimicking of Kevin. Atwater was definitely a big softie and the drunker he got the more he kept telling him how happy he was for him.

"He was Kim's first patrol partner. He wanted to kick my arse originally."

"He still does apparently." Her face was alive and she couldn't have been happier. She had loved every minute of the day. "Hank is interesting."

Adam eyed her suspiciously. He never called him Hank: it was either Sarge, Boss or Sir. "Hank?"

"Yes, your boss. I think he would be my worst nightmare as far as employees go."

"Oh he is, trust me. He spends most of his time half off the chain, it would give you a heart attack." At one stage her had spied them together, Voight was holding both her hands and they were roaring with laughter. Knowing Lana she was probably telling him some completely inappropriate joke, and she had a lot of them. He would take bets on it being either the penguin joke or the whale one.

"And apparently I need to meet Sergeant Platt."

Adam shook his head. "That I know you are not ready for."

Erin had told her about Platt. "She's really quite the softy and she adores Matilda but Ruzek, man she scares the crap out of him."

"Really?"

"We used to send him down to ask her for all manner of things which just pissed her off but Ruzek was so eager to please that he just kept going back for more. They stir each other up, it's this amusing little dance that they play." Erin topped up both their glasses; she was surprised that Ruzek had left them alone for this long. "Anyway one day she cornered him and made him pretend to be her fiancé for a dinner with her Dad. He basically told her that she should just come out of the closet and tell her father she was gay."

"Oh he didn't. Why am I not surprised?"

"Platt is very not gay and he spent the next few months grovelling. It was so awkward it was funny." She loved hearing stories about him at work, that part of his life was still a bit of a mystery and it had been nice to put some faces to the names.

"How did you crack him?"

"I am not sure that I have. We are just happy with how things are right now and having some fun."

"Adam doesn't just fool around, he wouldn't bring you here and let this mob loose on you if he didn't think this was more than just some fun." Erin ran her finger around the rim of her glass. "Adam has done it tough and there were times I was really worried about him. He deserves this now. If anyone deserves some happiness it's him. The world keeps flinging shit at his feet and he just keeps going."

Adam had managed to avoid Erin for most of the afternoon but there was no way that he was getting out of there without having to submit himself to her questioning. When she approached him he sighed, held his arms out wide and prepared himself for the worst. Erin punched him lightly in the shoulder. "So, spill Ruzek."

"What?" he shrugged. "You told me I needed to start dating, so I did."

"What is it about you and sneaking around?"

"It wasn't the same." It was obviously a reference to how he and Kim kept their relationship a secret in the early days, well until she was shot and it all came out. Even that, he later found out wasn't quite the secret they thought it was. "We weren't sneaking around. I wanted to make sure of things for Matilda's sake as much as mine. And Lana, I wanted to be fair to her. Anyway, she'd already met Al and he didn't scare her off so I thought she was strong enough to handle you."

"Matilda seems to like her."

"She does." They both looked over to where she was currently talking to Al and Antonio, all three of them were laughing about god knows what. The longer the afternoon went on the more Adam relaxed and enjoyed himself as he watched Lana reel them all in, he knew how anxious she was that this went well. He got very little chance to talk to her alone but every time he did see her she looked like she was having a good time. "I'd been seeing her for a little while before she met Matilda. It was a big decision and you know it was kind of a deal breaker. If Matilda hadn't liked her I don't think I could have continued."

He suspected that both Lana and Matilda would be fine together but it was still nerve wracking the first time he took Matilda to meet her. When she opened the door Lana was surprised to see them both, "We are heading to some little Community Fair, they've got a petting zoo." He rushed out nervously. "We thought you'd like to come?" He had been mulling over this for a while but in all honesty today it had been a snap decision. He was going to just keep Matilda up when she came over for dinner one night but Tilly was in such a good mood he decided it was perfect timing. It was now or never because he was getting in too deep and if it went south the earlier he knew the better.

Matilda had looked at her shyly from the safety of Adam's hip. "Say Hi Matilda." He encouraged her and she gave a little wave. They came in and waited for her to get changed and Matilda sat quietly on his lap taking in the new surroundings while Adam jiggled his leg nervously, he was too scared to let her down for fear that she would run amok and break something or make a mess. Lana's place was obviously childfree so didn't have the same child friendly furniture and lack of anything breakable that their place had.

Lana didn't rush in and engage the toddler as people often did only to find that Matilda withdrew from them. It took her time to warm up to people but by the time they made it to the Fair he felt a little redundant as Lana and Matilda bonded over the feeding of a kid goat. Matilda giggled as it nuzzled her and Lana helped her hold the bottle. When the goat let go of the bottle and lunged for it again Matilda jumped and almost climbed into Lana's arms. For a few moments he let his mind drift off as he watched them together. He could see Kim with her and he felt a wave of guilt and worried that perhaps he wasn't really ready for this but then Matilda called out to him and waved and she looked happy so he shook it off and crouched down and joined them.

Lana squeezed his hand. "Your daughter is happy, I think Kim would be proud of you both." He liked that she seemed to understand how fragile he still was.

"Thank you." She had practically fallen into his arms when they got home to his place. Matilda took off towards her toy box as soon as her feet hit the ground after the nap in the car on the way home had obviously recharged her batteries.

"What for?"

"Today. I had the best day. She's so beautiful Adam."

He looked over at Matilda who was pulling out a few toys finally settling on her cars. Adam loved how she would play with her fire engines and police cars just as much as her dolls. "She is isn't she? Everyday I am amazed by her, by how much she keeps growing and changing and I couldn't imagine not having her in my life. She is the very best thing about me."

"Oh she is but then there are other things about you that run a close second." She tugged him closer and kissed him sweetly before capturing his lower lip and sucking on it lightly. "And later we can explore those things."

"Deal." Adam sat on the couch and watched them play together, Lana sat crossed legged and helped Matilda do a puzzle before they started singing and clapping through some nursery rhymes. He felt a weight lift off his shoulders. He had worried about this day and how to manage it and would he be prepared for the outcome if it hadn't gone well. Fortunately watching them get to know each other throughout the afternoon had alleviated his fears and he was content to keep moving forward.

Erin gave him a fierce hug once he had put Matilda in the car. "I think it's great. I think Lana is really sweet and funny and you look happy and that's all I want. All of us, we want you to be happy again."

He carried Matilda inside and got her into bed with little drama. Two days of non-stop Christmas had worn her and he wasn't particularly looking forward to tomorrow because she was likely crave the same level of attention as she enjoyed over the last two days and she wasn't going to get it. "Are you really going now?" Adam pouted as he came back out and saw Lana still with her coat on.

"Yes. My parents." She leant on the back of the couch and held up her phone. "They have been alone all day."

"Since when have you had a curfew?" Grabbing her hands lightly he ran this thumbs over her knuckles. "I really have missed you, we've hardly spent a minute alone together for the last two days and I have needs and think I deserve a Christmas present." He whined. "How about you give me one more hour?"

"And what would you do with that hour?"

"Do you want me to get my coconut out?" He pushed her coat from her shoulders and it was quite obvious that she wasn't gong anywhere soon. She couldn't say no as he picked her up and sat her on the edge of couch as he stepped in between her legs and wrapped them around his waist. If he only had an hour he was going to use every single minute of it.

After the first time they had slept together she had told him that he put coconut on her lamington. He had no idea what she was talking about so she had actually made him some lamingtons one day. He had watched curiously as she rolled piece of sponge cake in chocolate icing and covered them in coconut and he finally got the analogy. They had ended up on the floor covered in coconut and chocolate and giggling like teenagers. She made his life fun and he hadn't had that for such a long time.

"Daddy Up." Matilda clung to Adam's leg. "Daddy Up." She demanded.

"Hang on sweetie." He rubbed her head while he desperately tried to make her lunch and Matilda wasn't helping.

"No, Daddy Up." She cried pulling on his jeans. "Up."

"Matilda, stop it." She dropped down on the floor of the kitchen when he snapped at her and started crying…again for the three hundredth time today.

"Matilda, for the love of god." He growled as she wailed. "You need to go back to bed." The place looked like it had been trashed, all the cushions were on the floor, toys were scattered from one end of the room to the other and he currently had shit all over the kitchen. The day had started out with Matilda waking up in a foul mood and things hadn't improved. "I am really not loving the Princess Bitch Face you've got going on today."

"No Daddy." She stood up and threw her arms in the air wildly, flinging herself at him and catching him right in the balls as he turned to pick her up.

"Holy crap." Adam doubled over and sucked in a few deep breaths. She may have been little but she packed a punch, especially seeing as she managed to hit him right on the sweet spot. "Jeez Tilly, nice shot."

Matilda was still clawing at his leg, completely uninterested in his current state of discomfort and demanding to be picked up. He handed her a piece of cheese to chew on while he finished cutting up her sandwich with one hand while he held her with the other although he wasn't sure why he even bothered to make a sandwich because the first thing she would do is pull it apart.

"Next year I am cancelling Christmas if this is what I have to deal with." She threw her sandwich on the floor in a fit of temper after Adam had put her in the highchair. "Fine, don't eat." He picked it up and threw it back on the plate tossed it in the sink while she continued to whine, shaking her head from side to side. "No, no, no."

As he expected the past few days had caught up with her and she was a nightmare. Her crying got louder the closer he got to her bedroom and he decided to ignore the wailing and wait her out. It took a good twenty minutes but eventually she went quiet.

"How's your day?" He called Lana once he had checked that she was asleep. Her face was red from crying and her chest still heaved from her sobbing. She was sleeping up the wrong end but he had no intention of trying to move her. "Because mine is crap. Matilda is just nasty."

"Oh my poor baby."

"I'm okay."

"Not talking about you."

"Harsh Bear, very harsh. Anyway what time are you coming over?" He was having her over for dinner with her parents and Ellen. He wanted Matilda to spend the day at home because sometimes she just needed not to go anywhere and today was one of those days and it had been horrific.

He couldn't even go to the bathroom without her and if he had to have one more ' _cuppa tea'_ he was going to scream. That friggin' tea set was going to be the death of him and the text sent to Erin told her exactly what he thought about her present. On any other day she loved going outside and playing in the snow so he tried that but she steadfastly refused to put her beanie on and Adam refused to let her go out without it and that precipitated another screaming match. He stood and watched her banging both hands on the door angrily; it would be cute if it weren't so frustrating or if it was happening to anyone else but him. He could safely say today he was seeing the worst of her. This is what two days of overstimulation and crap food looked like and, man it was ugly.

"Not until about six. Why? Do you miss me?"

"Well yes, obviously but that's not the only reason."

"Because Matilda is driving you nuts?"

"Speaking of nuts she got me fair and square a little earlier, they are still throbbing." He frowned when he heard Lana laughing. "You won't be laughing if they are broken."

"Lucky you don't need them anytime soon."

"Don't remind me." She was leaving with her parents for a week in New York and Washington which Adam had complained about no end. He had a few days off so the thought that she wasn't going to be around was disappointing.

All he had to do for dinner was to put the meat in the oven before he set about dealing with a day's worth of the wrath of Matilda. If she hadn't pulled out just about every single toy she had she'd come pretty damn close and even if he had tried to put things away when she was done with them they all seemed to end up out again. He also boxed up some of her old toys, swapping them out with the new toys she had collected over the past couple of days. They were going to need a bigger place just for her things.

Fortunately she slept for a good three hours. Which was bliss and as much as Adam wanted to flake out on the couch himself he resisted and by the time he heard her starting to stir the place looked somewhere close to normal, for now.

"Daddy, sandwich."

"Oh, so now you are hungry." He made her a toasted cheese and tomato sandwich and cut up some apple, which she happily devoured. Seems Princess Bitch Face had left the building for now. "So you ready to see Grandma?" He set her down on her feet as she finished eating and he started to clean up.

"Yes, Gran na." She waved her hands in the air and clapped as Adam laughed when she didn't quite get it right. "Bear?"

"Yes Bear too." He ran his fingers through her hair, brushing it away from her face. "Do you think Grandma is happy?" Not that he was expecting a coherent response from his daughter but he had always had these discussions with her, senseless as they were. He would sit at the table with her while they ate and talk to her, ask her opinion and generally just chat. They had a daily conversation about his day, which was apparently good for her and her language development. That had come on in leaps and bounds lately and she seemed to understand a lot more than she actually said.

"Yes happy." Matilda cocked her head to the side and smiled. Unexpectedly he felt a bubble of emotion rise within him. For a brief moment he saw Kim looking back at him and it caught him off guard. He was so much better at dealing with those things lately; he found them sweet rather than painful.

So he was unprepared for the sudden wave of sadness he felt, just as he was completely unprepared for the emotional freight train that was heading his way.


	21. Chapter 21-The Odd Moment of Awesomeness

Ellen was staying the night at their place so that she could spend the day with Matilda. Once he had walked Lana and her parents out came back and poured them both a nightcap, he had a feeling that this wouldn't be an early night. "Thank you for letting me stay."

"Of course. You know you are welcome here anytime. Matilda loves it. We love having you here." He threw his feet up on the table. "She's going to be so excited in the morning. I hope she's in a better mood than she was today." It was the truth, he really liked Ellen and he would always be grateful for the way she stepped up when Matilda was first born despite the pain of losing her daughter. He admired her strength and could see where Kim had got it from; he had high hopes that some of that fortitude would be passed down to her grand daughter.

"Matilda is such a beautiful little girl Adam." He could tell that Ellen was thinking about something. She was picking at a loose thread on the cushion in her lap, another thing that Kim used to do when she was stewing on something and he had that feeling all night. "Can I give you something?"

Adam nodded.

Ellen jumped up and grabbed a couple of things from her bag. She handed him a small box and he could her eyes starting to well up. "This belonged to my grandmother, I want Matilda to have it. I was going to give it to Kim when she had the baby."

Adam opened the small box and he gently touched the delicate chain that was nestled on some well-worn blue velvet. He was almost too scared to open the silver locket hanging on the thin thread of silver knowing that it would contain a photo of his wife. "I was going to give it to you for Christmas but then you came with Lana and I didn't think it was appropriate." His fingers fumbled at the small silver locket and looked at the photo of Kim and felt a knot in his chest. "I'm sorry Adam, I didn't mean to upset you."

He ran his thumb around the edge of the locket. "You didn't. It's beautiful Ellen, really. She was so beautiful."

"I miss her so much." Adam closed the box and came and sat next to Ellen, slipping an arm around her shoulder and letting her fall against him.

"I do too. I look at Matilda every morning and I really want her to always know how beautiful her mother was and how much I loved her." He was still looking at the small photo in the locket. "I want her to also know that Kim loved her too, from the moment those lines appeared on that stick Kim was in love with her baby."

"I was never really sure if she wanted to be a mother, she didn't really talk about it not like Amanda but once she was pregnant all that changed. We'll never get to see what sort of mother she would have been but at least I get to see what kind of father you are to her daughter."

He closed the locket and the lid of the box. "Veering somewhere from incompetent to just functioning, with the odd moment of awesomeness."

When Kim told her that she had split up with Adam and the reasons why she was reluctant to meet him when they got back together, but Kim insisted that it had all been a misunderstanding and once she'd got to know him she could see why her daughter had fallen in love with him. She couldn't not like him. "Oh I don't know. Call me biased but I think Matilda has the best Dad in the world."

"Your faith in me is inspiring." He kissed her cheek. "Are you really okay with me seeing Lana?"

"Oh God Adam yes. I really like her. She's lovely and you seem happy."

"I am. It wasn't easy though, some days it still isn't."

"You can't be alone. Kim wouldn't want that for you. I don't want that for you." She leant her head to the side and sighed softly. "I wish sometimes that I had the courage to put myself back out there once Kim's father left. It's a little late now though."

"It's never too late." Adam nudged her lightly "You'd make one hot little cougar."

Ellen had to laugh but she wasn't so sure. She'd tried lately but nothing had clicked and she was more than content to accept that she had missed the chance. "Anyway." Ellen took a deep breath ploughed on and handed him a USB. "I also wanted to give you this, I've had it for a couple of months now. I was not sure if you were ready for it, I am still not sure."

"What is it?" Photos of Kim he could handle, his place was still covered with them but for some reason he knew that this was something bigger and that it was going to break his heart.

"Kim was such a mystery to me sometimes." Ellen started slowly, she was still picking away at that loose thread. "A few months ago one of her old flight attendant friends contacted me, they'd lost touch once Kim joined the Police and it was only recently that she'd found out that Kim had passed away. She had a recording of Kim reading stories for her son so that he could listen to them when she was away. Apparently her friend hated the sound of her voice and couldn't make the story come alive like Kim could so she offered to record them for her. There are four stories on here. I thought maybe you could play them for Matilda, so she can hear her mother's voice."

"Oh God Ellen." Adam's hands shook as he looked at the USB in his hands. He tightened his grip on it, like it was the most precious thing in the world. Did he want to hear her voice again? How many times had he wished he could have heard her voice one more time? The last message he had saved on his phone from her was all he had until now and he'd lost count of how many times he'd listened to it in the beginning. Lately not so much, _'Hey Babe, let me know what time you'll be home. I'm starving.'_

What did it mean for Matilda? She was too young now to understand what it meant or who the voice was but if he started playing it now would she could grow up with her mother's voice. Perhaps she would recognise it from all the times that Kim talked to her when she was growing inside her?

"I'm sorry Adam. I didn't know what to do with it." Ellen squeezed her hands together tightly in her lap. "I don't want to cause any dramas for you."

"You haven't. It's fine really. I just wasn't expecting something like this. I always wanted Matilda to know Kim and I have showed her a few videos that I have but nothing like this." If you had asked him what was more likely, a man living on Mars or having Kim reading stories from the grave he would have picked Mars.

"I know it's taken you a long time to stop grieving for Kim, I don't want to upset you. Not now that you are just starting things with Lana." The last thing she wanted to do was cause any issues for Adam just when he seemed to be happy and getting back on his feet. She had worried about him for a long time. In those early weeks and months she had no idea if he was even going to make it without Kim and if he was ever going to be able to put her in his past. As a mother she was never going to get over losing her child but Adam was too young to let it stop him enjoying his life. He was too young to forever carrying the tag of a widow or the burden of it.

"Lana will think it's wonderful. She loves talking to Matilda about her Mom. They look at the photos together all the time and she tells Tilly who Kim is. She is not trying to be Matilda's mother." Adam was still holding the USB tightly in his hand. "She'll love it." He knew that was the truth however he wasn't sure if he was ready to share Kim with her like this. He didn't know how it was going to affect him, he figured badly and did he want anyone to know about it because if they knew they would ask him how he felt and that was the last thing he needed. "Did you cry?"

"Oh Adam, I sobbed my heart out." Tears spilled down her cheeks and he hugged her tightly.

Adam put it with the locket in the top drawer of his dresser. It sat beside her engagement ring and the box containing their wedding rings. Not long ago he had taken them off. He had always used them to give him strength but now he felt like he was getting that strength from Matilda, from his own will and from Lana. She had been surprised when she noticed he wasn't wearing them anymore. "You didn't do that for me did you? I really didn't mind."

"No, I did it for me. It was time, I was ready to let them go."

He closed the drawer and tried to close off his mind from the shock of having Kim back in his life in some way.

Matilda thankfully woke up in a much better frame of mind. She had slept solidly until almost seven and Adam was relieved to hear Ellen get up to her. Sleeping in was something he rarely got to experience anymore. One thing he had learnt was once you were a parent you were thrust into a world of permanent sleep deprivation whether you liked it or not.

"Daddy?" He opened his eyes to find those sweet brown eyes staring at him and holding, rather precariously a plate of toast. "Toast Daddy." He watched as it slid off the plate onto the floor. Matilda muttered "Oh Dear" as she squatted down and picked it up and dumped it on the bed. " 'prise."

"It certainly is." He put the toast back on the plate and helped Matilda up onto the bed. "Kiss for Daddy." As always he was rewarded with an enthusiastic kiss. "You are ready for your day with Grandma?" She was already dressed and checking his phone he noticed it was almost nine.

Matilda happily held onto Ellen's hand as Adam walked them out to the car. She was bouncing along beside her and he was just grateful that Hurricane Matilda had left the building. He waved them off and momentarily considered going for a run but a bitter blast of cold air put paid to that. For the longest moment he stood at his dresser and thought about the USB, he just didn't think he was ready to listen to it yet.

Ellen had even managed to squeeze in some housework so he didn't even have that to do. When his Dad called he decided to go and see him, basically so he could tell him about Lana. His father was delighted, perhaps a little more than he should have been but then again he was always a 'love the one your with type' of guy. He couldn't really understand why Adam had waited so long.

They all had dinner with Amanda, Peter and Zoe that night before Ellen went back home to New York and they only spoke briefly about the Stories on the way to Amanda's. Ellen hadn't told her about it, she felt it was Adam's place to do so. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know yet Ellen. It's such a big thing, I do want Matilda to listen to them though but I just want time to digest it all. Is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay." She did think he would have been a little more eager to listen to them and was surprised that he hadn't already. Perhaps it was then that she realised that he really was moving on and putting Kim in his past. "Do you love her?"

"Who? Kim?" He looked at his mother in law from the corner of his eye as he navigated the cold icy roads. "Of course I do."

"You are just not in love with her anymore?"

"Everything has changed. I will always love Kim."

"And Lana?"

He exhaled slowly and by the way he gripped the steering wheel tightly she could tell that she had probably gone a step too far. "Ellen…"

"Adam, I'm sorry. Forget I asked. It's not fair to ask you that." That was a question he wasn't ready to answer. He felt like he was under siege lately and the last few days were just one hit after another. Fortunately Matilda asked him to 'Push the Button.' to change the song and he had never felt so grateful for those ridiculous men in coloured skivvies.

He could only deal with one thing at a time. First and foremost he needed to tell his mother about Lana. It wasn't fair that everyone else knew except her. His mother, whatever their issues had been growing up had stepped up and been a better grandmother than she was a mother.

From the moment they walked through the door he regretted it and it wasn't just because he was sporting a slight hangover. He had ended up staying at Amanda's after having a few too many beers. Ellen had rattled him and he avoided going home because he didn't want to deal with it. If he was surrounded by people he could pretend that those stories didn't exist just for a little longer, just until he figured out what to do about them. He could pretend that life was chugging along as normal but everything had changed or was about to and he needed a clear head to deal with it.

His mother, god love her had taken it upon herself to play matchmaker. She was just a lot less subtle about it than Amanda had been so that had pushed Kim further back in his foggy mind.

Stacey just happened to stop by with her son for a play date with Matilda and the moment she walked though the door and greeted him a little too enthusiastically he knew what his mother was up to and that did little to improve his mood.

"Why don't you two go grab some lunch or something, I'll watch the kids." Adam glared at his mother barely bothering to try and hide his annoyance. This was the last thing he needed right now.

Stacey was a little older than him, or so he gathered. She certainly looked a little well worn and had probably spent a little too much time getting ready for this 'random' meeting. She was the daughter of one of Janet's friends and he had heard his mother drone on about her previously. He remembered she had a kid and that was about it. There was nothing memorable about her, although to be fair he didn't remember meeting Lana the first time either.

"Nah, I'm good. I want to do those jobs you asked me to do before I am back at work." Matilda had a shirt that declared that you should never let anyone dim your sparkle and looking at Stacey right now he had certainly done just that, not that he cared enough to feel guilty about it.

Matilda had one particularly unlovable trait at the moment and that was her screaming. If things weren't going her way she made damn sure all and sundry knew it. He tried to ignore the constant battle that seemed to be going on in the lounge room. It seemed the only good day she had lately she'd spent with her grandmother, Adam had to settle for Princess Bitch Face's untimely return. Matilda would cry or whine and then it would go quiet again. He figured they were fighting over toys and decided to let them go, she needed to learn how to share. They could well have been fighting over fresh air for all he knew.

He was also desperately trying to stay out of any conversation with Stacey by hiding in the kitchen. His mother, much to his frustration was still pushing her onto him so he spent most of his time on the phone texting Lana while Matilda was relatively happy.

 _'My mother is playing matchmaker…it's a little awkward.'_

 _'Is she cute?'_

 _'Is that a little tinge of green I am sensing?'_

 _'Well yes, I can take her. I am currently in a museum looking at dead animals, It's doing my head in.'_

 _'I am hiding in the kitchen.'_

The sudden scream propelled him from the kitchen at a rate of knots. Matilda was lying on the floor and as he picked her up her noticed the red mark on her cheek. "What the hell?"

"She fell." He didn't like this kid, River or whatever the hell his name was. He was a brat although he did cringe a little and feel bad for him when his mother screeched at him and grabbed him by the arm demanding to know what had happened. Her voice was like nails down a chalkboard.

He had already put the brakes on him sharing his juice with Tilly. "She doesn't drink juice, she'll just have water." He piped up when Stacey was offering to get them a drink and then had to tell River, politely through gritted teeth to keep his juice to himself. It would have been nice if the kids mother did something other than sit and laugh.

"A little juice won't hurt." He really did love complete strangers telling him how to parent. He shot a withering stare in his mother's direction. Really? How on earth had she thought this was a good idea? Sure they had endured many rather heated discussions about his rules regarding Matilda, she thought he was being a little strict at times but it was Adam's choice so she accepted it and did her best to follow his wishes.

"Water is fine. She does not need any more sugar, we've just come down from a two day sugar high." He repeated rather shortly and it was his mother's turn to send him a withering stare.

Matilda looped her arms around his neck tightly and Adam narrowed his eyes as he looked straight at the kid. "Did you hit her?"

"Adam." Janet admonished him.

"What?" he snapped as Matilda sobbed. He hated her sobbing; it broke him every single time. "Look at her face." The red mark was starting to swell up already. "Can you get me an icepack at least?"

"I'm so sorry Adam. River can be a little rough sometimes. Is she okay?" Stacey reached out and put her hand on Matilda's back and rested her other hand on his arm, her voice suddenly sickly sweet in complete contrast to her recent outburst at River. Adam really wished she would just take her kid and go home. Whatever his mother had promised her wasn't happening.

"I hope so." Janet came back with the ice pack and he sat down and rested the ice on her cheek. She was going to have a nasty bruise and probably a black eye and he wished he knew what they hell had happened although he was more than happy to blame River. He didn't need to gather any evidence for that, there was no innocent until proven guilty in this case.

Stacey sat next to him, a little too close for his liking.

Matilda asked for her donkey and Adam knew that she was probably going to fall asleep in his lap so he was trapped here talking to her for the foreseeable future. "It must be hard being a cop and a full time Dad?"

"It's pretty full on that's for sure."

"I don't know how you manage. I barely survive working two days a week."

"What do you do?" Not that he cared but not saying anything would have been rude.

"I'm a cashier at Wal-Mart." Oh, for the love of god. Did his mother seriously think this was ever a remote possibility?

"You probably see as many crazies as I do." He seriously had no idea how to even have this conversation. Actually he couldn't think of a single question to ask because he really didn't have the energy to talk to her. "Did you have a good Christmas?"

"Quiet." Suddenly by the way she leant in he realised that he was perhaps encouraging her a little too much. "River was with his deadshit of a father and his newest bed bunny. It was his turn. I guess you are lucky that you don't have to share special occasions?"

"Not sure I'd call it lucky." He smoothed Matilda's hair and kissed her lightly as she finally closed her eyes. As soon as Matilda was asleep he saw the opportunity to get out of this nightmare by putting her to bed before disappearing outside to shovel his mother's paths like he had promised. He basically hid outside until her was sure that his mother's guests had left

Janet had pulled out a basket of laundr. She generally still did Adam's washing for him because she was sick of seeing him ruin Matilda's clothes by throwing everything in the washing machine together. "You should give Stacey a call, she's worried about Matilda's face. I've got her number." His mother was persistent he had to give her that.

"No, I'm good. I'm sure you can let her know how Matilda's black eye courtesy of her son is going." He washed his hands ignoring the side eye that his mother was giving him. "Anyway I want to talk to you."

"About what?"

"I've been seeing someone." He paused as his mother's head snapped around. "For a couple of months."

"What? Who?"

"You don't know her. I met her through Amanda. Her name is Lana."

"Would have been nice to know."

"Well I am telling you now." Grabbing a soda for himself he leant on the bench. Janet rolled her eyes. Yes, he knew he was being a hypocrite with his love of soda considering he refused to let Matilda have any sugary drinks, but he was an adult and she was a child under his care. "Nobody knew, not until a couple of days ago. We didn't tell anyone because of Matilda."

"What's it got to do with Matilda?" Janet threw the clothes she had just folded back into the basket.

"Everything. I wanted to make sure that I was comfortable with them meeting and that they would get along."

"What about Stacey?"

"What about her?"

"I thought you two would hit it off."

Shaking his head and screwing up his nose indicating his distaste. "Ah, No."

"I just think you two should give it a chance. You are both single parents, you know what it is like to have a child."

"Why?" Adam shrugged. "What does it matter if she is a single parent or not? Why would you think I would be interested in someone else's child? I can barely manage my own."

"Matilda and River get along, I think it would be nice for her to be around more kids. I'm gathering this woman doesn't have children?"

"The brat that gave Matilda her first black eye?" he snorted and by the look on his mother's face this wasn't going as well as he hoped.

"Don't be so ridiculous Adam. It was an accident."

"Also, she can barely cope working two days a week at Wal-Mart, has a crazy ex and her kid lives on sugar. I have higher hopes for Matilda and quite frankly, myself."

"When did you become such a snob?"

"Pretty much the first time she opened her mouth. Did you seriously think we would get along?" He was surprised his mother seemed to know so little about him. "And Matilda is around children. She sees Louie all the time and Herrmann's kids love her and Terrance. They all had a great time the other day."

"So everyone else gets to meet her except me?"

"No, it's just I wanted Ellen to be the first to know."

"Why?"

"Why? Because Kim was her daughter and it's hard for her coming here and not having her around anymore. I thought I owed it to her to tell her about Lana first. I thought you'd be proud of the fact that I thought about someone else's feelings for a change. You always said I was too much like Dad."

"Seems you still are."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You've always kept secrets. So are you going to tell me about this woman."

"The woman's name is Lana." He sighed already exasperated by the whole conversation and attitude of his mother. "She's from Australia, and no she does not have children to answer your earlier question. She works in HR with Peter and Matilda and I really like her. At the moment she is in Washington with her parents who are visiting for the Christmas Holidays."

"So how long is she going to be here?"

It wasn't going as well as he hoped and it was seriously not what he needed right now. "Be where? In Chicago?"

"Yes."

"I don't know. We haven't really talked about it. Her job is here."

"So she could just up and leave at any time? Leave you and Matilda."

"I guess so, but right now she has no plans to go anywhere."

"Or you could go with her?"

"What? What are you talking about? My job is here, Matilda's family is here, I am not going anywhere."

"So wouldn't it be better to be with someone who also has ties to Chicago, not the other side of the world?" What was it with his mother and this other woman? Did she have compromising photos of her? Her obsession was a little disturbing.

"Oh god, are you serious?" Adam couldn't believe what was coming out of her mouth. "So that's what this is about?"

"Yes I am serious, Matilda is my granddaughter and I am worried about her. Is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay, but you know what? I worry about her too every single minute of everyday, but I also want to be happy, don't you want that? Do you want me to stay as miserable as you? Live like a monk for the rest of my life?" His mother had always reminded him how miserable his father had made her and somehow made it seem like it was his fault. Over time he realised it had nothing to do with him but as a child it weighed heavily on his small shoulders.

"I do want you to be happy but your life is different now, you have a child and you can't be gallivanting all over the world. You need someone more settled. How old is she anyway?"

"I'm not having this conversation with you." Adam threw his hands up in the air. "Whatever little deal you had going on with the single mother from hell, forget it. You haven't even met Lana and already you've decided you don't like her."

"Adam, don't be ridiculous." Thankfully he heard Matilda starting to wake up and he left before would say something that he regretted. Once he saw her swollen cheek he was even more pissed off and decided just to take her home. "Lana's back next week. Would you like to meet her?" He snapped as he shoved Matilda's donkey into her bag. He didn't need to be forgetting that because the last thing he needed with the mood he was in was Matilda to be a nightmare because she didn't have her donkey at bedtime.

He couldn't fault his mother's dedication to her granddaughter and he couldn't do what he did without her help. Her interference in his love life however was not needed. He had enough doubts and insecurities as it was.

"Of course. Let me know what suits you." Janet answered; she was obviously as annoyed with him as he was with her.

His mother's attitude had upset him, he was tired from Christmas, he had drunk too much last night and he missed Lana coupled with the he had the looming time bomb of the USB sitting at home waiting for him. This certainly hadn't put him in the mood to deal with that emotional landmine.

"Button Daddy."

"Jesus Matilda, at least wait until I get in the car." He was still buckling her into her seat. This was turning into another crappy day but he took one look at her black eye and relented and gritted his teeth and endured the trip home.

 **A/N: Thanks to texterlover for sending me a video link & a suggestion that I included in this chapter. It was too good a challenge to pass up. I hope it makes sense. I am guessing that you may want to read the chapter that shows Adam listening to the recordings…Am I right? Or I could skip it ;)**


	22. Chapter 22 - Her Mother's Voice

**A/N: No new PD tonight so I thought I would give you this instead. Hope you like it?**

He slid the USB into his computer and dragged the files into his ITunes account. Matilda was now ferretting through her bucket of crayons, he had no idea what she was looking for but it seemed to be the most important thing in the world judging by the stern look of concentration of her face. He had to laugh when she pulled out one crayon, scribbled something on the piece of paper and dropped it back in the bucket. It was a lot of effort for the tiny scrawl of purple in the corner of the page. She bought the picture over and handed it to him. "Finish Daddy, fridge."

"Oh okay, you want to put this on the fridge." His fridge was almost groaning with the amount of drawings, paintings and photo's it contained. She nodded enthusiastically and followed her Daddy into the kitchen. They were running out of room and at some point he would need to do a clean out but he just couldn't bring himself to throw anything out. Her whole life was on this fridge, even her first ultrasound picture was still buried somewhere beneath all the clutter.

They had spent the afternoon in their own little bubble. Adam just let everything else go and hung out with his superstar. He chased her around the apartment and she squealed every time he caught her, they rolled around on the floor together and sang at the top of their voices, she didn't get many of the words to 'Wonky Donkey' right but that didn't matter she just loved her Daddy singing it and they danced like they were mad. It was perfect and they even had a picnic on the floor for dinner.

The USB had been like a millstone around his neck for the past two days, he never could quite shake the dull ache he felt knowing that he had those memories of Kim so close. He could hear her voice again if he wanted too and there was a time that was all he wanted. To hear her voice, to feel her hand in his and feel her lips kissing him had once been his greatest wish but that was then, this is now. He had eventually put it in his past, he no longer dreamt about being with her one more time. He was happy again yet he still wasn't sure he was ready to leave it all behind. He didn't know if he was strong enough not to let this send him spiralling towards to bottom of that pit again. The pull of his past had lessened its grip lately but sometimes he could feel it tugging him back.

It was time to find out.

Matilda was asleep and the place felt eerily quiet after the ruckus they had created earlier. He knew it was snowing outside because they had stood at the window and watched it fall, softly and silently and it always gave him a sense of peace as did having his daughter's hand in his while they took it in. Cradling a glass of whiskey in his hand now he let his mind go blank, which was no easy feat. Suddenly he had two visions in his head. One was his wife, in his mind he had let her become perfect but she wasn't, neither of them were but they were meant for each other. He only had her for such a short time in the grand scheme of things and when it all came together they only had four years, yet those four years had changed him. The other vision was Lana, it hadn't been that long, it wasn't even six months yet and it hadn't been as instantaneous but it may have been stronger.

With Kim they had papered over a lot of cracks early, they were young and immature in a lot of ways. The love was real, it was deep and intense and he knew he wanted to be with her but they really weren't ready for each other in the beginning. He adored her and it bought him to his knees both times he lost her. Once he had got her back and together they created something so perfect it was hard to believe their daughter was real, the second time there was no coming back.

Now he was experiencing something completely unexpected. It was a slower burn yet somehow it was just as, if not more satisfying. Maybe it was maturity; love wasn't always just passion although they had plenty of that. She made him feel safe; he didn't feel like he was just hanging on anymore. It was about being in the moment, not trying to create a moment. He wanted to live these minutes and hours and days and not rush through them. He wasn't spending his time trying to see the finish line.

He went into Matilda's room and leant on the edge of her cot, watching her sleep. The depth of the love he felt for her was frightening sometimes. It was overwhelming and yet it was love in its purest sense, it was unconditional and simple, you didn't have to think about loving your child it was ingrained into your very soul. He stroked her cheek while she slept, her beautiful soft skin felt silky beneath his fingers. He had long realised that he had asked Kim to have this baby out of fear of losing her again, and he did. He lost her in the most brutal of ways but through that he had gained Matilda. It didn't make up for forcing him into a world of undeniable pain and suffering but she made him live. For more than a year he had poured every ounce of love he had into her, so much so that he didn't think he was capable of loving anyone else, he wasn't sure that he had any more to give but he did.

He had told Kim that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and that was the honest truth. He decided to propose to Kim when he realised that he wanted her to be the mother of his children, he was always in a hurry to get to the finish line in those days. The decision, when they got back together was probably a little rushed but they were excited, beyond belief to be having a baby. It was the ultimate commitment and he felt like it was the only way he could really prove to her that he did want it all.

Kim had taught him so much about himself in life and in death. He grew with her, probably not as much as he grew once she'd gone. She taught him how to love with fear and without it; now he wished he had the courage to tell Lana how he felt, or was starting to feel about her. He wished he wasn't so scared.

Ellen had made him confront something that he had tried to ignore. His feelings for Kim, how he now felt about her and it came down to a couple of little words. What was the difference between loving someone and being ' _in love'_ with them? He did love his wife, he always would, and they had shared something amazing and done something wonderful together. How could he ever forget that? Was he 'in love' with her still? Could you be 'in love' with someone who physically wasn't there anymore. Someone you hadn't held in your arms, or kissed or made love to for such a long time?

He lay down on his own bed and put the ear buds in and he held his breath and waited.

How quickly could your heart shatter?

It took three words… _'Little Nutbrown hare'_ ….Kim's voice floated out of the void and his barely controlled emotions and delicate resolve crumbled as he heard her reading one of his favourite books, one of their daughter's favourite books. Guess How much I Love You?

"Oh Kim." He tried to breathe as it continued.

 _'I love you all the way up to my toes.'_

It was breaking him slowly as her voice read every line of a book that he knew like the back of his hand.

 _"I love you right up to the moon and back."_ He said the final sentence along with her. It was Matilda's favourite line; she would hold her breath in anticipation until he said it, it was a little game that they played. He would kiss her toes and her fingertips and then kiss her nose and she would look at him with her big brown eyes and wait until he said it and then she was happy to roll over, cuddle her donkey and drift off to sleep.

Once her voice faded away his lower eyelids could no longer hold back the tide and the dam broke. He crumbled as he covered his face with his hands and wept, holding nothing in. Letting every emotion crash over him and they came in relentless waves. Why did it feel like she wasn't reading a book but talking to him? She didn't even know him then, they hadn't met, their worlds were yet to collide but it felt like it could have been yesterday and for just a moment he was 'in love' with her again.

He eventually listened to the rest of the stories and they weren't nearly as heart breaking. He loved the laughter in her voice as she read 'The Cat in the Hat.' And her sweet voice as she started on 'We're going on a bear hunt', she didn't have the most beautiful of singing voices but it was infectious nonetheless and 'The night before Christmas' was pure joy. You could feel how much she loved that time of year just by closing your eyes and listening to her.

Those fears that this would send him crashing to the bottom of that pit, the pit of grief that seemed to get deeper and deeper everyday in the beginning came true. He was back there again, but now he knew he had a ladder to help him crawl his way out.

He lay in the dark, clutching the IPod to his chest. It felt heavy, like a dead weight pressing him down and it wasn't letting him get up or breath. He didn't know what to do? When was the right time to share this with Matilda? It was her mother talking to her from the grave, should she be older, old enough to understand what it meant? He always swore that Matilda would know her mother, whatever else happened in their lives. Wherever life took them and who ever they were with.

He had given her two of Kim's names, Grace Burgess as her two middle names for that very reason so she would always have her mother with her and this collection of recordings was exactly that. Something she could carry with her through life.

The phone on his nightstand rang and he knew precisely who it was without even looking at it. They talked everyday, sometimes several times a day. He missed her and the last few days, the gifts from Ellen, the horrid day with his mother and her matchmaking and now this had weighed heavily on him. He felt alone and needed to hear a voice that wasn't from his past.

"Hey." If he tried to hide any sense of his emotional state from her he failed. It was only one word but it was barely audible and completely heart wrenching.

"Adam, Baby what's wrong?"

"I miss you." He was crying, he couldn't stop it and he didn't know if he even wanted to. Lana had been patient with him, letting him feel what he needed to feel. She admitted that at times it was hard to stand back and wait for him to open up.

"I miss you too but that's not it. What's happened? Is it Matilda?"

"No. Matilda is fine, she's going to have a nice little shiner though but it's me. I'm having a bad few days."

"Why?" It wasn't completely foreign to her, watching Adam struggle because some days, for no real reason he just staggered.

"Can we not talk about it right now?"

"Are you sure? Adam, you worry me sometimes."

"I know. I'm okay really." He felt the knot in his chest ease the longer they spoke. "Anyway how's New York?" They had arrived earlier that day, coming up by train from Washington. He had spoken to her briefly earlier in the day and told her about Matilda's eye and that conversation had at least distracted him so he gave no hint of the emotional bomb that was about to go off.

"Cold and Busy. I just about froze my tits off up at the Empire State." He didn't laugh like he usually did and that did little to ease her concern. "Adam, really you are freaking me out a little."

"Bear, I promise it's okay. We miss you though and I can't wait until you get back."

What he didn't expect was to get home the next evening from spending the afternoon with Atwater and find Lana sitting in his lounge room waiting for them. "What are you doing here?" Matilda had literally ran across the room and flung herself into her arms. Still holding her on her hip Adam reached out for them and held them both close. Burying his head into her shoulder her fears were starting to overwhelm her. Something had happened and he was spinning.

"I thought you might like some company." She kissed him sweetly. "I missed you too much."

After talking to him and then her mother Carol urged her daughter to go home. They were okay staying in New York for two days before they headed back to Chicago for their last few days of their holiday. They would be gone in a week and they wanted to leave behind a happy daughter. Carol knew her daughter and she knew that Lana was desperately in love with him. "He scares me sometimes." She admitted.

"In what way?"

"Because I am in love with him."

"And you don't know if he loves you?"

"No, it's not that." Although it would be nice to know what was going on in his head. She rested her head on her mother's shoulder. "He's spinning at the moment, I can hear it but I am never sure if he wants me there or not."

"Go and find out."

"What if he pushes me away?" Being in the honeymoon stage of a relationship allowed you to avoid the big conversations and issues. Eventually you had to take the next step or walk away. She didn't want to walk away from him.

"He won't." Carol could see what neither of them was willing to admit, they were already in far too deep to pull away now.

The last thing he wanted to do was spend the day at home so he rugged Matilda up and they spent the afternoon with Kevin. He had been surprised and felt a little guilty when Lana had told him that Kevin and Sasha had broken up. "Do you actually ever talk about anything other than work or sports?"

"Sure." Adam shrugged. "Sometimes we talk about Tilly."

"So you didn't know that Sasha had left. Jesus Adam, he's your best friend and I know more than you and I met him once."

"We are men, what are we supposed to talk about? We don't do gossip. I didn't talk about my relationship and he didn't talk about his. Call it an unspoken understanding."

"You didn't talk about your relationship because no-body knew that you were in one, you knew Kevin was so you could have asked. Did you not think it was strange that Sasha wasn't at Christmas Lunch?" Bloody men, they were all the same. Emotional Clams, they slammed shut the moment they sensed fear or the threat of a conversation about their feelings.

Lana had asked Atwater about his girlfriend at the Christmas Lunch. She was trying to piece everyone together from the things Adam had told her. He had rolled his eyes at her constant questioning once they decided that this was the time to meet his friends. She liked to know one thing about each of them so she could start a conversation and she also made an effort to learn one thing that she could use next time they met. It was all her people skills coming to the fore and it served her well.

Kevin admitted that they had broken up a few weeks prior. He had been a little blindsided. "Her Ex came back into town and she decided that perhaps they had unfinished business or somethin'." He shrugged his hefty shoulders. "I wasn't keen to hang around while she found out."

It gave Adam a good excuse not to talk about his issues as he focussed on his buddy. He knew what heartbreak felt like and although it was a brief conversation about the split they at least acknowledged it. Matilda showed him plenty love; now that his brother and sister were a little older they weren't that keen to hang out with their big brother. Matilda, however thought the sun shined out of Kevin's arse so she had no qualms in running amok with him all afternoon once he got over the black eye she was sporting.

Kevin had not been impressed when he saw it. He reefed Matilda out of Adam's arms. "What'd yo Daddy do?" He glared at his buddy.

"I didn't do anything. She got into a fight with a boy."

"Some boy did this to my baby?" He looked at her face and kissed her cheek softly. "Gotta a name?" Adam had to talk him down from a ledge; she was never going to have a boyfriend. He explained the whole matchmaking effort of his mother. "Did you tell her about the hot Aussie?"

"Yes I did Kev."

Once Adam had put Matilda to bed he grabbed her hand and led her to the bedroom. "Adam, come on." She tried to stop him but he ignored her. "We are not doing this again." The last thing she wanted right now was for him to try and pretend that the huge elephant that was in the room didn't exist and that elephant was his obvious emotional state. Falling into bed with him was not an option and not going to fix anything.

She tried to pull her hand away but he held it tightly and begged. "Please just come with me."

As she sat on the bed he brushed his thumb over her knuckles before heading to the dresser pulling the small box out of the drawer. He held it out for her and Lana took it and opened it slowly. "Ellen gave me this to give to Matilda. It was her grandmothers."

"It's beautiful Adam." She opened the locket and looked at the photo of Kim. "It really is." In the dimly lit room she could just make out the engraving inside the locket. It had four sets of initials and she recognised the last two, they were Kim and Matilda's initials.

She closed the box and handed it back to him so he could slide it back next to the engagement ring and wedding rings. That wasn't all this was about, surely? He had never been this tortured before and she had to wait until he was ready to tell her the rest. He paced around the room before sitting down heavily beside her and reached for his IPod, which hadn't moved from beside his bed since the night before, although he hadn't listened to it again.

Wordlessly he offered it to her and she put the buds in her ears and listened to the story, _Guess how much I love you_. She didn't understand; what was he trying to tell her? Was this his way of telling her he loved her? If it was it unnerved her because it shouldn't be this hard, it shouldn't make him look so desperately sad and a bubble of panic started to form in the pit of her stomach. "Adam I don't understand."

"That's Kim." He told her quickly, sensing that he was freaking her out. "That's Kim reading those stories. Ellen gave them to me. All I ever wanted was to hear her voice one more time and now I have and I don't know what to do." This was a whole new level of emotion from him that she had never experienced. If he had the strength he could have told her that this was right back at the beginning level of pain but he probably didn't need to tell her that. "I never thought I would hear her voice again. That book, you know how much Matilda loves it and now she can hear her mother. I don't know."

Lana breathed a little easier as she held onto his shaking hands and they sat in silence for a moment. "Adam, it's beautiful. What a beautiful gift for Matilda."

He lay back on the bed so Lana shuffled her way back, propped herself up against the headboard and tugged on his arm. He crawled up between her legs and rested his head on her thigh. It was unsettling, the quiet hum life going on around them but this room felt airless. A comfort to her was his hand slipping around her back and under her shirt and he used it to pull himself closer to her.

Lana's eyes were closed when he finally spoke. "What should I do? Should I let Matilda listen to it?"

Without hesitation she answered. "Of course she should hear it. That's her mother. Adam, you always said you wanted her to know who her mother was now she has the chance to hear who she was. It was beautiful, it's a beautiful story and you both love it. Share it with Matilda." Her fingers played at the small little curls that were forming at the back of his neck, lovingly, reassuring and comforting.

He had let his hair grow a little lately, claiming that it kept his head warmer during winter although in reality he just couldn't be bothered finding the time to get it cut.

"It hurts Babe, it hurts so fucking much. I feel like I can't breathe." His sobbing shattered her very soul. It wasn't easy holding onto the man you were falling in love with while he cried over his wife, the mother of his child and a woman that would always hold a fair portion of his heart. "I would have bargained anything in the beginning for just one more chance to hear her voice. I wanted it to be me; I wanted her to be here with her baby and I would have traded places with her in an instant. I've accepted that Kim is gone, that I was never going to see her or touch her or hear her voice again. I accepted that Matilda would never hear her mother say I love you and now she can."

"And how wonderful is that? How special is that moment going to be for both of you?"

"She's not going to understand that it's Kim, or that the voice belongs to her mother."

"Then you'll tell her."

He was quiet for a while. "We will." It was barely audible and if the whole place hadn't been so quiet she probably wouldn't have heard him. "We will make sure she knows whose voice it is." If he'd looked at her he would have seen the tears in her eyes, but he never did, he just buried his head further into her lap.

The peace wasn't quite so unsettling now. One word could change everything; he had changed everything when he said that 'we' would make sure she knew it was her mother. Together, they would make sure it happened. Was it deliberate? Did he know what he was saying? Somehow through all this was he aware that she was here with him now and that she needed some reassurance too?

"Why'd you come back early?"

"I was worried about you."

"I was worried about me too. I just didn't know how to ask for your help."

"Yes you did." Lana tightened her grip on him; she wasn't about to let him slip away. "You answered the phone."

They listened to the rest of the stories together and sharing them lessened their burden on him. He felt the pull of his past easing as one of her hands drew circles on his back and the other was entwined in his. Sleep came easier that night and he informed Lana of his decision to let Matilda start to hear her mother's voice when they woke the next morning. Lana rested both hands on his cheeks and kissed his forehead softly. "You are a wonderful father Adam, Matilda is lucky to have you."

He asked that they keep it to themselves. These were personal and they belonged to Matilda and he made the decision that no one needed to know about them, he wanted Matilda to have this part of her mother all to herself.

That night he helped Matilda climb up into his lap. The room was still exactly how Kim had decorated it and he'd lost count of how many hours they had spend in this chair. Opening the book in her lap he hit play and let Kim's words fill the room. She looked at him curiously, perhaps sensing his mood and her gorgeous brown eyes were full of questions. "It's your Mom." He whispered. "Listen, it's your Mom." She settled back down and listened as they turned the pages together and again he repeated the last line with the voice from his past. "I love you right up to the moon and back."

He held her a little tighter, a little closer that night and for longer. He kissed her fingers softly as they rocked in the chair and he stayed until she fell asleep in his arms. He loved the weight of her on his chest, the sense of purpose she gave him when he felt rudderless and how she always managed to bring him back to the present. "That was your Mom and she loved you so much Baby Girl. She would love you to the moon and back, more if she could. Like Daddy does."

Placing gently in her bed he realised how perfect this moment had been. Creeping out of her room he closed the door quietly behind him and went and found the waiting arms of the one person who could help him climb out of this hole that had opened up beneath him.


	23. Chapter 23 - Ladies Night

**A/N: Alrighty...I thought some of you might need a little light hearted moment due to the fact you are probably being bombarded with Election nonsense. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, especially after the heaviness of the last couple. Hope you like it?**

Adam swung his boots up on this desk appreciating the fact that for the first time all day he actually got a moment to himself. Everyone else was out and Atwater, who he was partnered up with had disappeared down the to evidence locker to check something in and knowing how he liked to gossip with the girls down there he'd be gone a while. He grabbed his phone and called his girlfriend. He liked that he now felt comfortable calling her that, now that everyone knew about them and they had settled into a pretty good rhythm. The stories from Kim bought them closer together and he had also sorted out his issues with his mother and she had finally dropped her attitude towards Lana and they were starting to get along pretty well.

It had taken some serious smooth talking and ego stroking on Lana's behalf to get his mother on board. Adam would have been happy to just keep them apart for the time being but she had insisted that was a bad idea. They couldn't ignore his mother, not considering that she spent so much time with Matilda. It took an honest conversation when Lana told Janet to ask her anything. She suspected that Janet's only real issue was that she would take them away from her and once she assured Janet that it was not in her plans the ice had started to thaw.

"You busy?" He grabbed a handful of pumpkin seeds and tilted his head back and threw them in his mouth, flicking off the few that missed the mark onto the floor.

"Yep. I've got a meeting soon." She looked at the clock on her computer and he could hear her tapping away on her keyboard. He was used to it by now, they were both as bad as one another and tried to do two things at once although she was better at it than him. One day he hadn't even realised she had hung up on him when he got so engrossed in an email that he forgot she was on the phone. "How's your day?"

"First time my butt has been in this chair all day. Hey I don't think I will get home anytime soon. Til's at my Pops so I will get him to keep her and not worry Val tonight." He heard his email ding and hoped it was the arrest report he was waiting for from Cook County. "So tomorrow night we are catching up yeah?"

"Actually I am going out for a few drinks tomorrow night with the Ladies."

"Oh."

"Yeah, Erin called me and invited me out."

He dropped his feet to the floor and coughed as he choked on a pumpkin seed. "Erin Lindsay?" He wasn't sure he heard right. When did this all happen? How the hell did she even get her number?

"Yes. Is that okay?" She would be surprised if he said he had an issue with it. They didn't live in each other's pockets. Adam would even drop her off when she was going out with her friends, encouraging her to go and enjoy herself. _"Just because my life is as boring as batshit because of Matilda, no need for you to become a hermit too."_

"Sure, I am just surprised.." She couldn't see his furrowed brow but she could hear the concern in this voice. "...and a little worried."

"I am looking forward to it." At least one person in this conversation sounded happy.

Adam wasn't quite sure he was all that excited. He was nervous especially when he found out it also included Sylvie and Gabby along with April, Maggie and possibly Nat, if she could find a babysitter. That was a big crowd of women, who once they got a few wines into them could go off in any direction and that was a worry. He was also pretty sure that he was going to be a hot topic of conversation; his ears were going to be burning that night. He knew exactly what this group were like when they were together and then when you added alcohol….

He cornered Lindsay the first chance he got. "Ruzek, relax, it's just drinks with the girls. I thought it would be nice to get to know her a little more. I get the feeling she'll be sticking around."

"Yeah, okay. Just go easy on her, please. And lay off the man bashing."

"Man Bashing." She snorted, "Please, you think we are going to talk about you all night? We have plenty of other things to talk about."

He wasn't so sure.

Lindsay organised a round of shots to be bought to the table. "So," she handed out the drinks and held up hers and the others followed. "Here's to Ladies night."

"To Ladies night." Lana, Gabby, Natalie, Maggie and April all held up their glasses in a toast. It was the start of a long slow decent. "So Chicago is a long way from Australia." Natalie asked, forever curious at how people ended up on the other side of the world.

"It is, Chicago wasn't on my list that's for sure. I thought I'd be in Washington for a while but guess I just kind of kept an open mind and went wherever the wind blew me." Chicago was a new start for her after the disaster that Washington turned out to be but they didn't need to know all that.

"And it blew you to Chicago and into the arms of Adam Ruzek."

"I guess it did." If Adam's face lit up when he talked about Matilda, hers did exactly the same when she talked about him. Keeping it a secret for months had been hard but now that the genie was out of the bottle all bets were off. "Guess I got lucky."

"I think he's the lucky one." Lindsay snorted, the rest of them nodding in agreement.

"Oh I don't know." Lana blushed. "Let's just see what happens."

"What do you mean?" Gabby leant in a little closer, suddenly a little more interested in what was going on. "I think he's pretty smitten."

"Well I am just tyring not to get my hopes up, he has a lot of stuff going on. I never thought in a million years I would be in a relationship with someone like Adam."

'Why not?"

"I avoided men with children like the plague, my brother is one of those guys. Spilt up with the wife and they hate each other, his wife hates the new girlfriend, she had a new guy every second week and the kids are pulled from pillar to post because of it. I promised myself that I wasn't going down that path. I know it's not the same but I was just a little wary."

"And then Ruzek came along?" Erin really did hope she wasn't playing games with Ruzek. His heart wasn't that sturdy.

"And then Adam happened and he is certainly what I would call a DILF." She chuckled as Lindsay choked on her drink and then shrugged. "I guess you just never know what's around the corner."

"But it's a good thing right?"

"Better than good. It's amazing. I am really glad we stuck at it. It was tough and I wanted more right away. He didn't." She really needed to stop talking but the wine and shots of tequila were making her a little loose lipped.

"He made you wait?" Sylvie looked a little bemused. In her experience men had to be held back not pulled kicking and screaming into sex, especially with someone who she thought was pretty damn gorgeous. Although she did have to work hard in the beginning to get Antonio to even buy her a drink, after that it wasn't so hard. "How long?"

"About six weeks or so." God even that was pushing it a little far, she really needed to stop talking. "I thought I was heading for the 'friend zone'" emphasising the last part with air quotes. "And that was so not where I wanted this to go, I did not want to be just his friend. I mean the man is hot."

"Worth the wait?"

"Oh god yes. I think we both…" Lana caught herself just in time. She was about to say cried but Adam would be horrified if he knew she dropped that little nugget of information. Erin cocked her head to the side and waited for Lana to finish but she just took a mouthful of her drink and changed the subject. "And Matilda, wow, I think Adam is worried that I like her more than him."

Adam felt for the crick in his neck as he woke and it took him a moment realise that the persistent tapping was someone knocking. Hauling himself off the couch he rubbed his neck on the way to the door. "Hey, Whoa." He reached out and grabbed a very unstable Lana as she leant on the doorframe. He had sent her a message early telling her to have a good night and hadn't heard from her since, no matter how desperately he wanted to check in and how often he looked at his phone hoping for a message or a call and for that Lana had been grateful. He had told her again when they spoke earlier that night how concerned he was about what they would tell her about him, but he never told her that he didn't want her to go.

"G'day." She giggled as she tossed her shoes through the door. "Surprise."

"Yes, yes it is." He caught her as she flung herself at him, losing her balance and almost taking him out in the process. "Someone's had a good night."

"Oh my face hurts from laughing so much. Those lovely ladies made me laugh, it was fucking hilarious and they got me completely hammered." She straightened herself up and slapped his butt as she sauntered past him. He watched her curiously as she threw her jacket on the chair. Seriously, she went out like that? Why hadn't he seen these leather pants before? He would need to talk to her about that when she was far more coherent. "Did you have a good night, or were you lonely without me?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I was."

Staggering towards the couch she dropped down unceremoniously and started giggling again. Adam watched her for a minute, a very drunk Lana was all sorts of cute, and he had seen her tipsy before but never quite this trashed. Fetching a glass of water he urged her to drink up.

"You know" she handed him back the empty glass. "They told me how some chick kicked you in the nuts." She clicked her fingers trying to recall the name. "Nadia. That's it."

"They did, did they?" He was rocking on his heels, loving every minute of this. His girlfriend was currently splayed out on his couch, smashed and it was as funny as all shit.

"Yep, and I thought oh my poor baby. Do you need me to rub them better?" She tugged on his arm, pulling him down on top of her and she groaned when his full weight landed on her. He rolled off to the side and made sure she was okay but she just started laughing again.

"It was a long time ago Baby, but you can rub them anytime."

"Now?" she ran her hands up his thighs before tugging on the waistband of his jeans, the feeling of her fingers on the bare skin of his stomach setting his teeth on edge. He wasn't quite sure this was going to end well, for him or her. Sure it would be an easy thing to do, but when one was sober and the other was obviously blinding drunk it didn't feel right to take advantage of the situation.

"No, not right now." Grabbing her hands he stopped her fumbling attempts at unbuttoning his jeans. Lana sat back and folded her arms across her chest and the look she gave him was like he'd just shot Bambi.

He waited, highly amused for her to continue while she closed her eyes and sighed. "You got any Berocca?"

Adam chuckled as he disappeared into the kitchen and got another glass of water. "No. I've got water and Advil though."

"Hmmm. I could really go a Kebab."

"What? A shish-kebab, on a stick?"

"No, a fuckin' Kebab. You know chicken, lettuce, tomato, garlic sauce and stuff all wrapped up." She was waving her hands around wildly.

"A Gyros?"

Flinging one hand in his direction she growled. "Pfft, it's a fuckin' Kebab. You Americans and your stupid fucking words. You really do need to learn to speak Australian."

He could barely keep a straight face as he handed her the water. "Well I don't have one. I can make you some toast or do you want a banana, apparently they are good for hangovers, because Baby you are going to have one enormous hangover tomorrow.

Lana sat up suddenly. "I don't want a fuckin' banana. I could go some chips and gravy though."

Waving her off with one hand he walked away. "I am not going to even ask. Do you want some toast or not?"

"With vegemite?"

"Okay." Adam laughed and reminded her to drink the water while he made her some toast. Seriously he had no idea how she ate this shit. The smell of it made him gag and he was horrified one morning when he caught her giving it to Matilda. "What are you feeding my child?"

"Vegemite on toast. Stop whining. It's not going to hurt her."

He was relieved when Matilda screwed up her nose and pushed it away. _'Yuck.'_ Adam picked it up and smiled a little smugly at Lana. "See, my baby has some taste." Despite his best attempts Matilda did get used to it and unfortunately he often found the pair of them sharing their vegemite toast in the morning. He refused to participate in the further corruption of Matilda and never touched the stuff, refusing even to open the jar. Except now and only because he felt sorry for the drunk woman on his couch; this was going to hurt tomorrow and he was kind enough to try and do a little bit of damage control.

By the time he got back with the toast she was asleep so he woke her up to make her eat something and take some Advil before helping her up and taking her to bed. He was surprised that she was so drunk and it had certainly made up for the boring night watching a crappy game that he'd submitted himself to. She muttered something about needing to feed her dragons before starting to giggle as he lowered her onto the bed. So Erin had been talking about him and his previous dating history, god knows what else she had been talking about.

She tried again to fumble her way into his jeans. "You never say no. I know you can't say no."

"I am saying no right now because you are drunk." He pushed her hand away as he tried to get her pants off.

"But it could be fun. I reckon you'd go off like a frog in a sock."

"Oh sure, you wouldn't though so we are not doing that right now."

"Why the fuck not? Am I not very good?" She flopped back down on the bed like her balloon had just been popped.

"Baby, you coconut my lamington every single time." He was leaning over her with his hands on either side of her, even when she was plastered she was still unbelievably cute.

"My little Aussie." Lana laughed as she patted his cheek.

His drunk girlfriend soon turned into a vomiting one and Adam found her curled up on the bathroom floor, he had vaguely felt her get out of bed but it was only when he heard her in the bathroom and that unmistakable sound of vomiting did he really wake up. "Come on Baby." He shook her lightly. "It's cold in here, you can't stay on the floor."

"Fuck off." Lana pushed him away. "Leave me alone."

He left briefly and returned with some more water. "Here take a sip of this. Rinse your mouth out."

As soon as she sat up and took a mouthful her stomach lurched and Adam held her hair back as she emptied the contents of her stomach again. "Oh my poor Baby."

"I'm sorry." She rested her head against the cabinet while he wiped her face with a damp cloth before kissing her clammy forehead.

"It's okay. Think you are done?"

"I hope so." He helped her back into bed, lying a couple of towels down on the floor beside the bed in case she wasn't done and quickly cleaned up the bathroom. He did not want to deal with that in the morning, sadly it wasn't the first time he had cleaned up vomit in the middle of the night but it was usually Matilda who had caused the damage.

Adam rolled out of bed the moment he heard Matilda wake up and he stole a quick look at the woman splayed out beside him, she was out cold and had been since he picked her up off the bathroom floor. He closed the bedroom door quietly behind him. Lana hadn't vomited again but she was going to wake up feeling like shit, of that he had no doubt. He left another glass of water beside her bed and a bottle of Advil and she barely moved when he kissed her cheek.

Matilda spotted her shoes near the door. "Bear Daddy?" she asked pointing to the shoes that were still lying in exactly the same spot as she had thrown them last night when she arrived. He grabbed them and put them up out of Matilda's reach. He didn't know a lot about women's shoes beyond what looked good but he did know that he couldn't afford to replace those ones if Matilda broke them. What she spent on shoes was insane.

"Bear is sleeping, so we need to be quiet. How about we go out for breakfast?" He figured she'd be asleep for a good few hours yet, seeing as they had been up until about 3am with her head in the toilet.

"Shhh." Matilda pressed her finger to her lips.

"Yes Bubba, Shhhh."

He called Halstead while he was getting Matilda dressed. "You up for Breakfast? If you're woman is anything like mine at the moment she'll be sleeping all morning."

"They had a good night I hear."

"So it seems. Erin and I will need to have a little chat later. Anyway Matilda is up for some Jay time, don't let her down." Jay could hear her chanting his name in the background and didn't have it in his heart to say no. Ruzek knew exactly how to get people to do anything for him; he got Matilda involved, she was the ace up his sleeve and he had no qualms in using it. And Ruzek was right; Erin would be asleep for quite a while yet.

When they got back from breakfast she still hadn't made it out of bed so he crept in quietly, hoping that Matilda wouldn't follow him. She groaned as he sat on the edge of the bed and waited for her to at least open her eyes. "How ya feeling?"

"Like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards." Her voice was croaky and her mouth felt like the bottom of a birdcage. "Several times."

Fat chance of Matilda not noticing that he had left her alone and soon came looking for him, yelling his name at the top of her voice and Lana cringed when Matilda bounced into the room. "Hang overs and kids don't mix, you'll learn that." He had only done it a few times and there was nothing worse than dealing with a child when you felt like utter crap, especially when it was self-inflicted. "Matilda got you a present."

Easing her way up into a sitting position she smiled gingerly as Matilda handed her a packet of Berocca. "Thank you Sweetheart." Adam took them from her hand and dropped one into her glass of water, even the sound of the fizzing made her head hurt. They had been to three Walgreens while they were out looking for them, which seriously sucked because it was bitterly code outside today. Matilda leant her elbows on the bed and stared at her intently and it was a little off putting because she didn't need to look in a mirror to know that she would look like utter crap. "Poor Bear sick."

"Yes Sweetheart, Bear is sick." She brushed the little girl's hair from her forehead, loving the look of concern in her eyes. "This will make me feel better though." She handed Adam the glass and sunk back down under the covers, hoping like hell the Berocca stayed down although they way she was feeling right now that was not a given.

"Do you want something to eat?"

"Twisties, salt and vinegar chips." She didn't even open her eyes. "Or a lemonade icy-pole."

"I don't have any and I don't know what they are, although I can go out again in the freezing cold and see if I can find you a Kebab."

Matilda had wandered to the other side of the bed and was looking through the magazine she found on the floor. Luckily it was a motorbike magazine and not something far more inappropriate. Adam found it highly disturbing her knack for hunting out condoms and tampons. "Perhaps you should keep them in your gun safe?" Lana had cheekily suggested and just rolled her eyes when he looked like he was seriously contemplating doing just that. He was completely flipping out. "Adam she doesn't know what they are."

Lana opened one eye and could see him tyring to keep a straight face as he sat rubbing her thigh.

"Did I ask for a Kebab?"

"You did, no technically you asked for a fuckin' Kebab and Berocca," He tapped the tube sitting beside the bed. "And you also reminded me that we have stupid words here, that you needed to feed your dragons and you promised to rub my balls."

"Oh God." She buried her face into the pillow, which caused her a world of pain. She honestly thought her head was going to explode for a moment.

"Which I might add you did not do, so you owe me for that and also for holding your hair back and picking you up from the bathroom floor."

"Stop talking please."

'So good night?"

"From what I remember. I knew I should have just got the Uber to take me home. I'm sorry."

"I'm glad you didn't. You are the cutest drunk ever, you were all giggly."

"What else did I say? I didn't get all gushy and emotional did I?" She had this overwhelming fear that she would have told him that she loved him. That was not how she wanted that to go down. They just continued to dance around that conversation.

From what she did remember of last night she had been surprised at how much Erin had told her about Adam and about how happy he seemed lately and that she thought that Lana was the sole reason for that. "He really likes you, I mean really."

"The feeling is mutual." It did make her feel good hearing from his friends how happy he was though. It helped with some of her doubts.

"Oh I can see that."

Not that the whole night was a barrel of laughs. At one stage Lana seemed to recall getting a little upset and spending some time at the bar away from the group to catch her breath.

"Well." Adam bit his bottom lip and turned away, which made her nervous. What the hell had she said? "No." he finally answered with that all to familiar cheeky smile. She slapped his arm limply, "but you do swear a hell of a lot when you are drunk, it's almost like you had Tourette's and you did try to molest me

"And you stopped me?"

"I was a complete gentleman." He held up both hands. "Even as I took your clothes off when I put you to bed." And that had been a challenge because he was a little bit obsessed with her at the moment, living a year as a virtual monk had made him keen to make up for lost time. She had wiggled her hips as he inched her leather pants down and fallen against him when he pulled off her top leaving her in just her bra and panties. Getting those off wasn't as much of a thrill as it usually was. He knew that she hated sleeping in her bra and 'g-banger' as she called a thong. Seriously, he had very little idea what she was talking about sometimes and he barely managed to get a t-shirt and the pair of his boxers, which she had stolen from him onto her. "Getting you into bed though was like herding cats."

"Well that's a little disappointing, so I got this drunk and didn't even get lucky?"

He leant in and placed a small kiss behind her ear and whispered and she could feel his smile against her skin. "No, but tonight Baby you have got a lot of making up to do." He pulled away. "Now why don't you get up and have a shower. It'll make you feel better I promise."

Fully prepared to see a horror show in the mirror Lana was surprised when she finally hauled herself out of bed and into the bathroom to find that her make-up had been removed, at least partially. When did that happen?

She sat at the bottom of the shower for god knows how long until Adam came in to check on her and he wasn't surprised to see her sitting down, leaning her head against the tiles with her eyes closed. "Are you sure you are okay?"

"No." She really wished he would stop laughing at her. "I can't get up." Adam reached in and turned the taps off before grabbing a towel to wrap around her and helping her up off the floor. "Poor Bear."

"Where's Tilly?"

"Asleep, she's had lunch already."

"Thanks for not leaving me looking like a raccoon."

He placed his hands on her shoulders and rubbed them lightly. "No problems, I've had some practice."

"So I heard." It came out a little harsher than she expected and Adam leant back and looked at her as she burst into tears. "Sorry."

"Baby, what happened?"

"Nothing."

Bullshit. What happened? Did someone say something?"

"No." She wiped her face angrily with the backs of her hands. "It's just, sometimes." Pulling the towel tighter around her she took a small step back, which wasn't easy because it wasn't the biggest of rooms but she suddenly felt overwhelmed being in the same room as him. Right now she was wishing that she had just gone home. "I felt bad, they were talking about Kim and they all seemed to really love her and…" a small sob escaped and she tried to swallow it which almost made her vomit again. "…They had all these great stories and I started to worry."

"Worry about what?"

"That you wished that Kim was still here." There was no way she could hold it in any longer. "And I don't because that would mean that I wouldn't be here with you and I like being here with you and Matilda and that makes me a heartless bitch."

"You are not a heartless bitch, far from it." Adam was floored by her admission and he had no idea what to say next. That thought had never crossed his mind. Sure early on he did wish Kim was still with him, but she wasn't and it had taken him a long time to be okay with that. He knew that the recorded stories had bought up some long forgotten memories but they had talked about it, how that was his past and he really appreciated them for what it bought to Matilda's life. "I don't know what to say."

"Do you wish Kim was still here?" This was probably not the right time to be having this conversation. She was naked, except for a towel in his bathroom with a wicked hangover. The silence was unsettling and Lana would have done anything to take the question back and if he weren't standing between her and the door, blocking her exit she probably would have fled.

It had hit her all of a sudden. They were all talking about Kim, how funny she was and how good a cop she was and it started okay and then when they started talking about how much Adam struggled after her death and how they never thought he would ever get over it and how good a mother she would have been. It became too much and she excused herself from the group and went to the bathroom before heading back to the bar.

In the beginning it was sweet hearing stories about Kim and she really did want to get to know her through her friends. She was always going to be a part of her life as long as she was with Adam and she really wanted to be with him. But when the stories didn't stop it overwhelmed her, it all just reminded her how much Adam loved his wife.

"You okay?" Erin made her jump a little as she rested a hand on her arm.

"Yep, I think it's best that I give you all some space to talk about Kim."

Erin looked around for Lana and spied her at the bar. She'd been go awhile and it was then that she realised what they were doing and how long they had been talking about Kim and Adam. No wonder she had taken off, what a slap in the face that must have been. "I didn't realise we'd got so carried away until you didn't come back. I'm so sorry. It must be hard listening to that and it's not very nice of us. We shouldn't have invited you out and then spent the night talking about Kim. It's like rule number one on first dates, don't talk about the ex."

"I get that you were all her friend and I didn't know her. I know Adam loved her, desperately so and she is Matilda's mother and will always be part of his life. I shouldn't be jealous." Erin tried to apologise but Lana just shook her head. "It's okay, really. Just give me a minute." She stayed talking to Herrmann for a while and they talked about anything but Adam and Kim. Actually Herrmann was more interested in picking her brain about the hiring and firing of staff. Eventually she re-joined the Ladies and the topic had changed. Then the more they drank the less she worried about it.

Until Adam mentioned that he'd had practice off taking make-up off and it all came rushing back.

"She's not. She hasn't been here for a long time and nothing is going to change that. No matter how much I _wanted_ things to be different." He emphasised the word wanted, because in the beginning he did want things to be different, he would have done anything to change what happened. He didn't want to say that he wished things were different, because everything was different now. This was his reality and his life now. "I miss her, you know that but my new life started the day after Matilda was born and a few months ago I met you and I am so happy with you." His voice shook just a little. "I am looking forward to whatever the future holds, I hope it is with you."

"I'm sorry." She buried her head in her hands. "It's stupid, I got jealous and it's pathetic."

Adam reached for her hands and pushed them away from her face and with his hands holding her face gently he kissed away the tears on her cheeks. "It's not pathetic or stupid. I guess it's not easy because it's not like I had this previous relationship that ended and we both moved on to other people. I am glad you are here with me and it's been such a long road to get to his point, but I am here now with you and we are doing okay, aren't we?"

"I hate that I am such a wreck and you've been so nice and sweet. I really shouldn't drink so much."

"You are the cutest drunk ever." She finally let him hold her, his arms holding her tight against his chest for a few moments before he let her go and wiped the rest of the tears from her face and kissed her so sweetly. He wanted that kiss to say so much, much more than he could say in words. "Now, get dressed and come and have something to eat. I'll make you some eggs and bacon and you will feel much better, I promise."

Despite her trepidation the food did make her feel somewhat better although it was going to be a long painful afternoon. Adam tried to convince her to join them for a quick walk outside so that Matilda could have a run when she woke but instead she curled up on the couch while they went out. Since the meltdown in the bathroom she had been reassured by his words and his actions. She wanted to go home and wallow in her misery but he insisted she stay. "I don't want you to go until I know you are okay." He was concerned her physical state as well as her emotional one. Adam was loving and attentive because although he couldn't tell her how he felt he wanted to show her.

Matilda was now standing in front of her, stark naked and dripping wet having just got out of the bath. She had sprinted down the hallway and into Lana's waiting arms and she wrapped her up and rubbed her dry quickly making her giggle.

Adam wandered down the hallway having cleaned up the mess in the bathroom; how she managed to get so much water outside of the bath he did not know. He casually leant on the couch and watched Lana dry her off. "I thought we'd watch a movie tonight? Coyote Ugly perhaps?"

Lana's head snapped around. _What the hell was that look for?_ Suddenly it all came back to her and she was sure that he was smiling because of the look of horror on her face. Oh God, that horrible flashback she had earlier was not a figment of her imagination. Why was she not surprised that he knew about it and that he was going to drag it out and get as much enjoyment out of it as possible?

"Have you seen my phone?" Lana shook her head as he picked up hers and dialled his number. _What the actual fuck?_ His phone rang and she knew that song and she shot him a look but he had his back turned, no doubt feeling very pleased with himself. He was enjoying this a little too much

He turned back to face them, knowing full well that she would be desperate to ask him about that ringtone. "You know I think a woman dancing on a bar is the sexiest thing in the world." Helping Matilda into her Pyjama's Lana instead choose to ignore him.

"I think Daddy needs to stop talking." Lana screwed up her nose and Matilda giggled.

"Like, seriously it's friggin' hot."

She wasn't taking the bait as she continued talking to Matilda. "What book should we read tonight?"

"Maybe one of those books from Australia, or perhaps you could sing her to sleep. I know a good song."

"Is Daddy still talking?" Matilda nodded her head.

She was relieved when Matilda's bedtime arrived because it finally gave her some relief from his teasing. As much as she wanted to grab Adam's phone and check for the incriminating evidence that would have been inappropriate. It was his work phone and probably had all sorts of things on it that she didn't need or want to see but god, she wanted to know how he found out. She wanted to know who she had to blame for letting the cat out of the bag.

Perhaps it would fill in some more gaps, she had a vague recollection of most of the evening and wasn't really sure she wanted to know the rest. So far she had demanded a wonderful array of food, tried to molest him, spent the night vomiting while he held her hair back and then had an emotional meltdown half naked in his bathroom. Fucking wonderful idea that Ladies night was.

 _Never again_.

When he came back out Lana handed him his phone. "Show me." She demanded.

He held up one finger. "First of all I need a drink. This requires a drink. Do you want one?"

Lana shook her head. "So you haven't seen enough of my vomit yet?" She sat on the couch, cross-legged and waited for him to get his drink and he was taking his sweet time.

Settling in beside her he took his phone from her hands and started kissing her until she pushed him away. "Okay. First of all, I think you are hot. I do think women dancing on a bar is just so god damn sexy."

"Just show me."

"On the big screen? I can plug it in."

"You are so fucking annoying sometimes."

"Okay Little Miss Tourette's." He held the phone out so that she could see her drunken rendition of Khe Sahn atop the bar at Molly's. He was laughing at how mortified she looked right now.

"Oh bloody hell. Make it stop." She buried her head into his shoulder as he played it again. "Adam stop it please. It's embarrassing."

"I love it."

"You would."

"Baby, it's awesome. I just wish I was there to see it. This is my new favourite song. Don't you like my new ringtone?"

"Please change it."

He looked serious all of a sudden, draping one arm over her knee and running his fingers up and down her leg. "You know what I like the most? Other than this." He held up his phone. "Is the fact that everyone sent me a message today telling me how much they all loved last night and how much they like you. That makes me so happy." He paused, waiting for her to look at him as the silence settled heavily between them. "More than you will ever know."

It was on the tip of his tongue; he could feel it. He just wasn't ready to say it.

Thanks to Erin the hits just kept coming. Sitting on his desk when he arrived into work was his coffee mug with 'DILF' scrawled across it with a sharpie. He snapped a photo and sent it to Lana. _'Care to explain?'_

 _'No.'_

 _'This night just keeps giving.'_

 _'I don't think I can see you again. I will really miss Matilda.'_

He spied Erin sitting in the break room eating breakfast so he grabbed his mug and headed in. "Hey Erin." He lifted his mug and smirked. "You really should have told me you felt this way."

"You wish."

"Do I?" He stoped suddenly and winked at her and maybe he saw the slightest hint of a blush on her cheeks.

He filled his mug and offered to top up Erin's before sitting down at the table. "So Ladies Night was a hit?"

"How did Lana pull up?"

"Not well." He took a sip, screwing up his nose at the hot bitter coffee. It was worse than usual this morning and that was hard to imagine. The coffee in this place was terrible at best, no wonder he tried to stop on his way in and on every opportunity to get a take away. "She was pretty rough."

"Wasn't the only one."

"Can I ask something?" He shifted a little uncomfortably in his seat. He wasn't quite sure how well he convinced Lana that he really was glad she was around. It had bought up a lot of emotions for him too. He did love Kim and he missed her but that was his past. Matilda was a constant reminder of his wife and he imagined it was always going to be there but he had to keep moving forward. "Was there a lot of talk about Kim?"

"A little too much at one stage." Erin knew, as soon as she saw Lana at the bar that they had gone further than they should have. She could only imagine how that must have made her feel. They had invited her out to get to know her as Adam's new girlfriend and then spent an hour talking about his dead wife. "Is Lana okay?"

"I think so, she was pretty upset."

"It wasn't deliberate."

"I know, it's just hard…for both of us. Everyone knows I loved Kim, I still do but she's not here and I've been trying to live my life without her because she is never coming back. Despite that I am reminded of her everyday when I look at Matilda but I think I am starting to finally let her go. I really like Bear and I hated seeing her so upset. She asked me if I wished Kim was still here?"

"What did you say?"

"I miss Kim and I loved her, but she's not here anymore. She hasn't been here for almost two years. Of course I wished things were different, but they are not and I can't change that and I can't keep living in the past, I want to be happy and right now Bear makes me happy. She was lying on my bathroom floor with her head in the toilet, she swore like a trooper and demanded that I find her some weird Australian food for her hangover and you know what, I loved every minute of it."

"I'm sorry, we didn't mean for that to happen."

"I know, but can we lay off the trip down memory lane when you see her again. Not that Ladies night is high on her list of things to do anytime soon. I think the dancing on the bar was the final nail in that coffin."

"Why? She was awesome."

"Oh I know; I loved it." He screwed up his nose and shook his head. "Bear, not so much."

He hadn't heard from her all day, not that is was anything unusual. He knew she had a stack of meetings to get through and that would keep her busy and they had picked up a case. Adam had made her stay last night and she was asleep early, but she was curled up in his arms and he felt good about that.

He did manage to fire off one quick text through the day.

He took a selfie with his mug. _'You still owe me.'_

 _'Am I ever going to live this down?'_

 _'No. You told everyone I am a DILF, I'd like you to put your money where your mouth is.'_

 _'Adam, please stop.'_


	24. Chapter 24 - This is who I am

"Daddy quick." Adam slipped his phone back into his pocket. He was resisting the urge to just grab Matilda and leave but she loved the playground and they hadn't had the chance to get down here much lately. He'd been crazy busy with work the last few weeks so it was nice to have a day off, enjoy the sun and be able spend time with Matilda. She had shot out the door as soon as he opened it and had been happy to walk the block and a half to the park.

He loved watching her and the person she was becoming, it was fascinating. Sometimes you just wanted to sit back and observe her finding her way in the world, learning new things constantly and developing her own unique personality. And at other times you couldn't hold back and watch because you wanted to be involved in every single thing she did. He loved that she was confident enough to head off and explore her world and he also liked that Tilly was always seeking him out for reassurance and comfort. They had an unbreakable bond and as much as Adam lived his whole life for her, he was also the centre of her world. He always knew if things were out of balance for her by the way she reacted to him when he was leaving, the sobbing and clinging to him broke his heart and then when he came home she wouldn't leave his side. The struggle was, that sometimes it was hard to get that balance back. Today was about getting her world back on an even keel because she had been difficult to manage this week.

Adam often wondered if she knew she was missing out on a mother or was she too young to realise how different her life was? He often imagined that for other two year olds when they were hurt or tired or in need of a safe pair of arms they instinctively reached out for their mothers, Matilda always looked for him. Perhaps it wasn't so much a mother that they were looking for but just those loving and protective arms of the one person who loved you the most.

Matilda was waiting for him at the swings and he picked her up and sat her in the toddler swing. "Hang on Darlin'." The higher he pushed her the louder she shrieked. She had certainly inherited his thrill seeking personality, not that Kim was any more passive but he did know that Kim would have tried to rein her in a little. Adam just let her go, particularly when they were outside at the park. This was where she had to learn to take the bumps and the scrapes then dust herself off. He certainly never rushed over to her every time she took a tumble. Unless she was really hurt he encouraged her to get up and get on with it.

But today he was distracted, not that Matilda noticed, she was just happy to be with her Daddy.

They were being watched; he knew that from the moment they left their building.

Adam stopped the swing and pointed to the woman running towards them. "Bear." Matilda called out as Adam lifted her out and let her barrel into Lana's waiting arms. He barely got a chance to say hello before Matilda had dragged her off towards the slide.

"What's wrong Adam?" Lana watched as Adam helped her climb the ladder while she waited at the bottom of the slide for her to come down. Once she caught her as she came off the end she looked up at Adam and he looked agitated as he kept checking his phone. She came and rested a hand on his back. "What's up?"

"Nothing. Don't worry." He knew that he didn't sound convincing and the fact that he was still checking his phone didn't exactly ease her concerns. He kissed the top of her head as he threw an arm around her shoulder and watched Matilda climb up the stairs to the slide again. He was trying desperately to ignore that growing pit in his stomach and alleviate her concerns and failing miserably at both.

This was getting hard. Lana was trying to get used to what Adam did for a living, that he was a cop and his unit was tough and dangerous and he went places with them that she didn't want to know about. To say things were going well at the moment would have been stretching the truth. They had hit a speed bump but they were trying. Adam had gone Undercover for the first time since they had been together and he had been gone for a week. One day he was here and then he was gone, Matilda was at his mother's and he was not answering his phone. In a panic she had called Al, not the he could tell her much he just assured her that he was fine and they were taking care of it.

Then suddenly one night he was back and she woke up with a fright as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Bear. Hey Baby." His fingers brushing the hair back from her forehead, they were tingling a little at the feeling of her skin beneath them and he wanted so much more than he could have right now. This had to be enough, but it didn't even come close to what he craved.

"What the hell?" Her eyes flew open. "Adam, god what are you doing here? Where have you been?"

"I don't have long. I need to get back." He leant down and kissed her softly. It was a little after 2am and she hadn't seen or heard from him for four days. "I just wanted to make sure you are okay? I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. It all went down in a rush."

"What do you mean you haven't got long?"

"I've only got an hour."

Lana wrapped her arms around his neck and let his strong arms and presence comfort her. He rubbed her back, kissed her softly and told her nothing. "Have you seen Matilda? Is she okay? I can't contact her or my mother. I shouldn't even be here but I begged Al to let me come and see you. He told me how upset you were. I'm sorry."

"I've spoken to your Mom a few times. Matilda is okay and I am having dinner with them tomorrow."

"If I am not home by the weekend can you pick her up and spend some time at home with her? Please?" he was begging and she knew that he would hate being away from her for so long. He asked her if she had any videos on her phone that he could watch as he didn't have his personal phone at the moment. It was locked away at the station and it was hard enough convincing Al to let him come here. "I miss her so much." He flicked through a few videos and photos.

"What do you mean if you are not home? When are you coming back?"

"I don't know Baby, another few days at least." He lay down beside her for ten minutes and then was gone again. He knew it was going to be a painful goodbye so he kept it brief and she cried herself to sleep.

It was terrifying look into what her future would be like and it hit her fair between the eyes. He crawled into her bed in the early hours of the morning five days later, his scratchy beard tickling her back. "I missed you." He pressed a kiss between her shoulder blades and fell asleep.

Groaning as her alarm went off he pulled her into his arms for a few minutes before Lana had to get up and get ready for work. "Are you done?"

"I am. I am going to sleep for a few hours and then I'm going to get Tilly. Is she okay?"

"She is. She misses you like crazy. She cried when I left her yesterday, it broke my heart." As promised she had picked her up and taken her home for the weekend, although Matilda had spent the whole time looking for her Daddy and Lana hated taking her back to her Grandmother's and listening to her cry when she left.

"I hated every minute I was away from her…" his lips sought out hers. "..and you."

He was back and life just went on like nothing had happened.

Now he was on edge again and she didn't know why. She adored Adam and Matilda and loved every moment they spent together and for a long time she had known she was in love with him but neither of them was willing to make the first move. That didn't mean she was willing stand back and ignore everything that was happening and she knew the time was fast approaching for her to make a decision. Stay and deal with his job or walk away? Could she deal with the uncertainty and the near constant danger of his job? Did she want to have moments like these when she didn't know what was happening and Adam shut her out? She knew he was trying not to worry her, but it wasn't working.

His phone buzzed. "Stay with Matilda." He barked at Lana as he took off across the park in a sprint. "Now."

Matilda started cry. "Daddy." She tried to get down and run after him but Lana stopped her and held her tightly as she screamed and thrashed about trying to get out of her arms. As much as Matilda was comfortable with Lana she was a Daddy's girl and would often get upset if he left her, more so since the week away he just had. That had really affected her and she knew that it upset Adam as well. The fact that he had taken off so quickly obviously startled her and Lana was struggling to distract her. Her eyes followed where Adam had run off too and saw three men arguing, she recognised Al and Voight but was shocked when Adam literally slammed the other man into the bonnet of a car.

"What the fuck are you doing here? You're watching me? Taking photos?" Al put a hand on Adam's shoulder to stop him and he didn't flinch when he saw the wild look that Adam threw him.

"It's a public place. I can do whatever I want."

"You're taking photos of my daughter."

"Are you sure she's yours?" With that comment Voight and Al took a step back and let Ruzek take a swing and he landed one punch flush on his jaw. It knocked him flat on his arse and Voight stepped in before it went any further.

As soon as they got outside his apartment he had seen someone sitting in a car and all his Detective skills kicked in, something seemed off and he had seen that car before, very recently. His concern was that it was someone that he'd had a run in with work but that fear had slowly been replaced by anger when he figured out who it was.

Rather than confront him while he had Matilda with him he'd called Al who promised to come down and find out what was going on. Ruzek was worried that he was unprotected in the park. He had no back up and was unarmed, not that he would want to use his weapon with Matilda nearby but he would if it meant protecting her and had an irrational fear that he would try and take Matilda from him. He couldn't let that fear affect Matilda though, she had to live her childhood with all her beautiful innocence intact. There was enough shit in the world and sometimes it was hard to make sure it didn't skew your view on life. You had to look at the world though the eyes of your child and see the beauty in it.

Al had called Voight and he didn't need to be asked twice. Al picked him up on his way, there was no way anyone was going to touch that girl.

Roman had been focussed on the girl playing with her father and as he was watching the girlfriend arrive and interact with Kim's daughter he got a bitter taste in his mouth. How could he move on? He was supposed to love her yet he seemed to be able to do what he couldn't. That wasn't fair, because he already had everything. His anger bubbled away.

Perhaps being out of the force for a few years now had made his instincts slip because he didn't see anyone moving around the car until a gun tapped on his window and he almost dropped the camera he was holding when he came face to face with the Head of Intelligence…Voight. He was one cop who he was scared about going toe to toe with.

Voight was now dragging him up off the ground and Roman wasn't stupid enough to try and fight back. "How's it going to look? A former CPD Cop charged with taking unauthorised photos of a tender aged child. Doesn't look good for you?"

"Who's the blond? What's this engagement number 4 or do you count Kim as twice? So that would make it number 5, right?" He sneered at Ruzek.

Al grabbed his phone and camera while Voight cuffed him and threw him in the back of their car. "I'm being arrested? What the fuck for? Taking a few photos of Kim's daughter."

Voight looked pissed and leant in so close that Roman could feel the full force of his rage. It was something he had witnessed plenty of times but never from this side of the fence. "Stalking, paedophilia take your pick? Which one do you want?"

"You okay Kid?" Al tried to get Ruzek to calm down. He grabbed hold of him as he was pacing back and forth along the edge of the car park. His arms were clasped tightly on his head as he tried to get his breathing back to normal. "Where's Matilda?"

"With Bear." He swung his eyes across the park to the playground and could see them playing.

"Go home, take them both home and let us deal with it."

"No. I want to know what he's doing here and I want to know what's on his camera." His hand was throbbing where he'd punched Roman and he shook it angrily. It was nice kind of pain though one that he had wished he felt a long time ago. "And that fucking crack about am I sure she's mine. What the fuck was that about?"

"Ignore him. He's talking bullshit." Of course he knew that. After he let Roman see Matilda when she was six months old Antonio had told him that Roman had made some comment about ordering a DNA test. To say that Adam took that well was an understatement. He trusted Kim and knew that she had been nowhere near Roman for a long time but it was suggested to him to have the test done so if Roman followed through on his threat they could cut him off at the pass. Obviously the DNA test came back with everything as it should be and he filed it away and they all forgot about it. Until now and his rage bubbled up inside him like a volcano.

When Al and Voight left to take Roman in Adam jogged over to Lana and Matilda.

"Adam, what's going on?" Matilda practically leapt into his arms and held her close, pressing her head into his shoulder protectively.

"Can you take Matilda home? I need to go to the District?"

"What's going on? Adam, you are scaring me." Adam wasn't about to give her anything, not yet. He was too worked up and bound to say something that would scare her even more. Until he knew what was going on he couldn't tell her. He walked away as Matilda screamed his name, "Daddy, Daddy." she had desperately tried to hang onto him when he passed her back to Lana. It was like a knife through his heart but he needed to go, he needed to make sure she was safe.

His life at the moment was hanging by a thread. It was like when you found a loose thread on a sweater and convinced yourself not to pull at it because you knew if you did the whole thing would unravel. He was trying to ignore the loose thread.

He'd been gone for hours and she had heard nothing and then he just came home. He may as well not been there though because he was distant and he had closed himself off, even from Matilda. He was trying to process everything and one thing Lana did know was that Adam would not talk about work when Matilda was around. So she had to wait and that frustrated her even more.

"Are you going to tell me what that was about?" Adam knew that Lana was pissed with him. Once he put Matilda to bed she was waiting for him when he came back out. He had sat in Matilda's bedroom for a few more minutes once she was asleep just watching her because that was one thing that calmed him. He knew what awaited him and he had no idea how to deal with it. Lana had made him confront a lot of things over the past few months, refusing to let him hide away behind his façade but this was a step too far, he wasn't ready for this.

She was waiting for him on the couch, her arms folded across her chest and the usual glass of wine she had at night was missing. "Do you know this guy?" He showed her a photo on his phone.

"No. Who is he?"

"He says you had a drink together."

That had floored him and sent him into a rage that Al was barely able to contain. Voight had leant across the table to slap Roman but stopped himself, not willing to risk where a lack of restraint would take them. "Perhaps I will invite her out for another drink, she seemed to like the last one a bit like Kim did." He had no idea why he said it, because it was a lie. He had never spoken to the woman but he knew that would get under Ruzek's skin and that was satisfying.

"I've never seen him before, I swear. God Adam, what the fuck is going on?" He knew that Lana hadn't had anything to do with Roman, that he was just trying to get at him and he vowed not to even ask her but he couldn't help himself.

Even Al knew Roman was lying. "You know Bear. He's a lying prick and trying to get into your head again. You two are doing so well. Don't let this come between you. Don't fuck it up by letting Roman win and that's what he wants."

Now he was pissed with himself for letting Roman's taunt get to him. "Nothing. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you today." Trying to reach out and touch her he wasn't surprised to see her pull her arm away.

"Scared me? I had no idea what was going on? Actually I have no idea what's going on most of the time." She folded her arms across her chest and pushed herself deep into the corner of the couch, trying to put distance between them. Every time they had moments like these Adam would try to distract her by touching her or hugging her and it usually worked but now she had figured out his strategy and wasn't planning on letting him off the hook tonight.

"That guy, he was taking photos of Matilda."

"Why? Why would he be taking photos of her? Who is he?" It no longer surprised her at how protective she felt with regards to Matilda and if Adam was worried about this then she couldn't stop herself worrying too.

"Sean Roman." He watched her closely to see if she recognised the name, if he could catch her out and he hated himself for it. He trusted her, he had let her into his heart and his world, into Matilda's world and he needed to believe her.

By the blank look on her face he knew the name meant nothing to her. "Adam I don't understand."

"He's been obsessed with Matilda from the start."

"Why?"

"I don't fucking know." He snapped jumping up from the couch and paced around the room. "I have to protect her."

"Of course you do." Lana followed him but she resisted the urge to reach out and touch him when she saw the look of distress on his face. "I wish you'd told me. I had no idea what was going on. I didn't hear from you and Matilda was so upset, she doesn't understand when you leave her like that."

"Sorry. All I could think about was Roman and what he was doing. He's got photos of Matilda from the last few months. We went through his phone. He's been watching her for a while."

"God. Who is he?" It was then that he realised that while he'd talked about what happened between him and Kim when they split up he had never mentioned his name. "Someone you've arrested?"

"Sean Roman is Kim's ex partner, the one she was screwing for a while and he says that you and he caught up for a drink." He didn't need to add that bit and as soon as the words left his mouth and he saw the impact they had on her he regretted it.

"What? I have never seen him before. Don't you believe me?" It was a slap in the face to think that Adam didn't trust her. How could they even contemplate a future together if he didn't?

"Of course I do. I wasn't even going to bring it up because I know its bullshit. I'm sorry Bear. It's just been hard, you know, suddenly he's back and I don't know what he's playing at and I am scared."

It was obvious that this went deeper than even she could imagine, she knew some of the story but not nearly enough to know why it was causing him so much angst. "I don't understand all this."

"I don't want to go into it."

"You never fucking do. I knew from the moment I got there that something was wrong but you tell me nothing and then you left me with Matilda and your daughter was hysterical. I saw you beat that guy." That was like kicking him in the balls, he didn't need to be told how upset Matilda was, did she think he couldn't hear her as he walked away? Did she think it was an easy thing for him to do?

Adam rested his hand on her shoulders. "I was trying to protect you and Matilda. I don't want you to worry."

"You know what? I was worried." Lana pushed his hands off her shoulders angrily and stepped away from him, wrapping her arms around her waist as she tried stop them shaking. He always did this, he knew he was her kryptonite and he could distract her with his physical presence.

"He asked me if I was sure Matilda was mine." It was then that his voice broke and Lana gave into him, she held onto him and let him wriggle off the hook again.

She stayed with him that night but it was a restless night for them both and the following morning she laid it all out. Matilda had finished breakfast and was now happily playing with her toys, she had managed to put yesterday behind her. If only adults could do the same. "Adam, I want to tell you something."

He felt his heart start thudding in his chest.

"I know this is been hard for you to move on." She took a deep steadying breath and looked him square in the eye. "I love you." She held up her hand to stop him when he looked like he was about to say something. "And I don't want you to say anything, I don't need you to answer but I am not sure I can do this, I don't know if it's going to be enough. Your job; it freaks me out. Yesterday I had no idea what was going on and you don't tell me anything."

"Lana." She put her hand on his chest as he tried to move towards her, holding him at bay.

"I just need some time. I love you and I love Matilda and I love every minute that I spend with you both. You've made me so happy but I don't know if I can wait around for you to let me in. It hurts too much already and this whole thing with a guy I don't even know and you obviously don't trust me or want to let me in and that hurts."

"Lana, Please don't." He reached out for her hand. "I do trust you, completely. It's just hard and I was scared that he was going to try and take Matilda from me."

"I know. I understand that."

"Bear, please let's talk about this. I will get my Dad to take Matilda today."

"Adam, stop. Please just let me go. I need to take a step back for a bit and think things through. I love you, I really do but you have this job that scares me, you keep me at arms length sometimes and I feel like you don't trust me to understand."

"This is who I am. I am a cop."

"I know, I know that."

"I don't want you to go."

"Adam. I have to go." She stood on tip toes and kissed him softly albeit briefly and turned and left before he could see the tears streaming down her face and before she saw his eyes well up because that would break her will. There was no other option, not right now.

The thread had been pulled and his world unravelled…again.

 **A/N: Just when you thought things were going good...Bloody Roman shows his face :)**


	25. Chapter 25 - A Package Deal

He was desperate. It wasn't nerves, it wasn't anxiety it was desperation. His heart had been broken to many times and he wasn't about to let it happen again. That path, the path of least resistance wasn't a choice available to him anymore. Giving up was no longer an option because that didn't make things better or hurt less. Protecting your heart didn't stop it from breaking or being broken.

He let out the breath he was unwittingly holding when he heard someone moving around inside and finally the door opened. "Can I come in?"

"Adam." Lana was surprised to see him. They hadn't spoken for over a week and she had no idea how he was feeling about that, but it had killed her. Her heart skipped a beat as she stood back and allowed him to come in. He had a key so technically he didn't have to knock but she appreciated that things weren't exactly clear right now.

The day she had left he had sent her a message telling her that he missed her, that he was sorry about the Roman thing and that he did trust her. The rest of the week he kept it light but he didn't lose touch with her, he didn't sit around looking at his phone waiting for her to contact him, he wasn't doing that again. Going from constant contact to nothing had been done before and it almost ended in disaster so he kept those lines open and not once did she tell him to stop and she always replied. They just never got into the heavy stuff; he was saving that for now.

He put his phone, wallet and keys in their usual spot on the small hall table and walked further into the apartment. Silently she closed the door and watched him, his blue jeans and navy button down shirt fitting him perfectly. He was a beautiful man and it was the hardest thing she did, walking away from him that day and she had regretted it ever since despite knowing that it had to be done. They both needed to figure out what they really wanted.

"Where's Matilda?"

"With Erin and Jay." He looked over his shoulder to see whether she was following him. "She misses you."

"Adam."

"Let me speak, Please." Turning to face her he was surprised that she was still by the entrance table. "I can't lose you, I don't want to lose you but I am a cop, that's who I am and it's what I am good at. That's not going to change."

"It's not just that. Adam…"

He held up his hand to stop her, he had so much to say and had no idea where to start but he needed to get it all out before his courage faltered, or before she told him to leave. He rested his hands on his chest. "I never thought I would feel this again, I didn't think it was possible but I do. I fell in love…." He waited until Lana looked at him, finally lifting her eyes when the silence grew uncomfortable "…I'm in love with you. I love you so much and I don't want to lose you." He ignored the stray tear that had escaped and trickled down his cheek. "Tell me what I can do? What can I do to make this right?"

It was now her turn to feel the tears bubble along her lower lids. "I don't know."

"I know it hasn't been easy, I know I am not easy but I never actually thought I would find someone who had the patience to take all my fears and be willing to help me feel whole again. I went from waiting for the each day to start to _wanting_ the next day to come because I was excited to see what it bought. You made me feel that." His eyes never left her face, his brown eyes was the one thing that she could happily lose herself in. "You made falling in love again easy, I don't know why I couldn't tell you that."

The desperation returned. He didn't know what to do so he did the only thing he could think of. He took three long strides, grabbed her around the waist and slipped one hand behind her neck and kissed her. He kept his lips on hers until he felt her relax, until he felt her kissing him back. The more she responded to him the slower and deeper he went with his kiss, his fingers releasing the back of her neck and finding their way around to her face where he cradled it softly. "I want this to work. I want us." He breathed heavily against her cheek when they finally parted.

Lana buried her head against his chest, relishing the feeling of his arms around her, holding her tight and steady against his body. She was glad that he was holding her up because she had lost all control. It was everything, having him here, the kiss and the words. _I love you_ ; he'd told her that he loved her.

"Adam." She had no idea what she wanted to say. What did he want to hear? Had it been long enough? What she did know was that she had missed him, like crazy and often found herself with her phone in her hand wanting to call him, just to hear his voice. Hoping that he would say something to reassure her, she didn't know what until that moment when he said that he loved her. That was what she wanted to hear and feel. And she missed Matilda, god how she missed them both.

He stepped away and grabbed his phone. For a moment she thought he was about to leave and that was the last thing she wanted but instead of leaving he showed her a video. "You are not playing fair." She grabbed the phone from his hand and played the short video again.

 _'Miss you Bear. I love Bear.'_ Matilda danced in front of the camera _. 'Miss you.'_ She then kissed the screen.

"No, I'm not playing fair." Adam shook his head lightly and for the first time since he'd walked through the door he smiled. "Why would I? We miss you; both of us miss you. We love you. I love you."

"I miss you too." She buried her head back into his chest. Lana slipped her hands under his shirt, resting them on his bare back and let the warmth of his skin seep into her fingertips. Adam picked her up in one quick movement and backed her up against a wall; he wrapped her legs around his waist and leant into her so that she was pinned. Lana tilted her neck to the side to allow him access. Even if she wanted to she couldn't have stopped him because he was irresistible. He had her weak at the knees, he made her heart rattle in her chest and he made her head spin. Every rational thought disappeared as he kissed her, as he held onto her and the only thing she could think about was that he had said he loved her.

Suddenly he stepped back and lowered her to the ground. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"For that." He rubbed the pad of his thumb across her slightly swollen lips. He felt a course of electricity fire through him; he loved that look on her face. Her slightly flustered appearance when they got into it.

"I wasn't stopping you."

"I haven't given you a chance to talk yet." He grabbed her hand and led her into the lounge room. "I promised myself that I had to hear what you had to say. That I couldn't just come here and beg you to come back."

"I've got a better idea." Instead of staying in the lounge room she pulled him towards her bedroom, she was pulling his signature move on him. "We can talk in a little while." They had something else that needed to be done first and Adam was more than happy to follow her. He let her take the lead and responded to her touch and just let his mind go for now and lose himself in the moment.

"Now." Lana pulled on his shirt, which had been hastily discarded and arranged the pillows behind her head. Adam laid his head in her lap and closed his eyes as she ran her hands through his hair. "That day. What happened?"

"Sean Roman. Kim's ex partner. It's a long story."

"It's still early. I'm not going anywhere."

So he went right back to the start. "When he showed up at the District, Kim and I hadn't been dating long. He was a bit of a misogynist prick. A few months later they had to team up with someone from Canine and it turned out to be his ex. He spent the whole day fighting with her and Kim realised that he had a foul temper. Anyway, Kim was shot while he was too busy arguing with his ex."

Lana was running her hands over his shoulders, tracing the line of his collarbone with her fingers but not saying much, when he started talking she was always content to just let him go. He knew she was listening though because her eyes never left his face.

"I guess everyone found out about us after that." He lifted her hand from his shoulder and kissed her fingers before resting it on his chest and covering it with this hand. "Anyway, he had a few shady things going on with his private security business and dropped Antonio into some hot water that we had to scramble to get him out of, he was a prick to Al and seemed to have some huge chip on his shoulder with Intelligence. Kim was offered a spot upstairs and she turned it down. He would tell her to suck it up, that nobody cared how she felt about turning it down or how it made her feel."

"So he's a complete knob."

Adam chuckled just a little before turning serious again. This was probably a conversation they should have had a long time ago but he didn't think that Roman was ever going to turn up in their lives again. "Not long after we got engaged things went sideways with Halstead and an op we were running and he started in on her about marrying a cop, imagine if it was me and all that crap. Then he started in on her about testing me and my commitment to her. When she found out that I had been engaged twice before Roman told her that a Bronze Medal was still pretty good."

He had told Lana about all his previous engagements; Wendy when he talked about how he and Kim got together and Nicole had come up in a conversation about the stupidity of youth. Contrary to popular belief he did learn from his mistakes. "Then he convinced her to give me a push test, and if I agreed to push back the wedding it meant that I didn't want to marry her. She started to doubt me, telling her I liked the trailer rather than movie and some crap." He closed his eyes, he hated talking about all this as it bought up so many bad memories and he tried desperately to hang on to all the good things he had with Kim. "Anyway, I had no idea I was being tested and thought that was what she wanted so I agreed and the doubts festered. As soon as we split up he was into her to start dating, and basically manipulated her into his bed."

"Wow. What a fucking arsehole." Adam did love that she always just said whatever was on her mind. If she didn't like something she told him in no uncertain terms, he was never left wondering what she was thinking.

"So I can see you thinking why did I forgive her?"

"No, I know why you did. You loved her."

"I did. I always did. Even when she was with him, I still loved her. Stupid huh?"

"Not at all. You have such a big heart. You love who you love, it doesn't always make sense."

He was quiet for a minute, contemplating and remembering those rocky few months. "I wanted to be the bigger man and respect her wishes. It was a mistake, I should have fought for her but I honestly had no idea what I had done wrong. When they were ambushed and he was shot Kim was charged with shooting an un-armed black kid and he left her to twist in the wind. He didn't even bother showing up to court when she was on trial. That's when I found out they were screwing, in court in front of everyone. Basically he then just left for San Diego when he was pensioned out and left her to deal with the fallout."

"I'll snot the bastard."

"Ha, you're awesome." He pressed his lips to the palm of her hand. "Kim cut him out of her life once she realised what he had been doing, his manipulation of her and she was so hurt. Then when was Matilda born and still in hospital she had restricted access." Adam had explained those few weeks after Kim died and how badly he coped with it all and how much he regretted being so absent in those early weeks of Matilda's life and he felt like he had been making it up to her every since. Surprisingly it was Erin that told her about Adam turning up at the hospital every night in those first days before they bought her home. He hadn't talked about it then and still didn't. She couldn't imagine the pain he was in at the time, but knowing how deeply he felt things she knew it would have been unbearable.

"He tried to get into see her, twice. He lied to try and get in, giving a false name. He showed up at Kim's funeral and then when she was six months old he sent Matilda a present, addressed it to Matilda Burgess and then just turned up outside our place one night and accused me of killing Kim because I got her pregnant."

"What the fuck? Oh Adam." She leant down and kissed his forehead when she sensed that those last few words were still heartbreaking for him.

"Eventually Al convinced me to let him see Matilda just the once, in the hope that he would be done and he'd leave us alone. I didn't think he deserved it but I wanted to put it behind me. He was getting to me and that was affecting Matilda. I let him see her for just minute and hoped that it would be over."

"But it wasn't?"

"I haven't seen him for more than a year until I saw him outside my place a few weeks ago and then in the park taking photos of Matilda. On his phone and camera there are photos of her from the last few months. Mouse hacked into his computer and he had more photos of her and I freaked out."

"Oh Baby." Lana continued to stroke his forehead softly. "I wish you'd told me. I would have understood. You scared me that day."

Adam wasn't sure whether it was wise to tell her the rest. She was struggling with his job as it was and this certainly might not help his cause but then again she had a right to know it all. He was hoping that seeing as they were lying in bed having just had, what he hoped was awesome make-up sex that he had some leeway. "He also had photos of you."

"What?" Adam held her hand tightly against his chest when she went to move it. He watched her closely and the look on her face was not comforting.

"He had photos of you and Matilda. When he asked about you he said that you'd had a drink together and was going to ask you out again. I wasn't ready for that."

That had shaken him as he watched Voight interview him. "So Lana Barrett." He had the smuggest look on his face and Adam noticed Voight's hand twitch and he knew he was trying to stop himself from pulling out the Voight slap. "How long has he been screwing her? Two or three years?"

His eyes flicked to the two-way mirror because he knew that Ruzek would be on the other side. Al stood in front of him to block his path to the door. "You can't go in there. Don't let him get to you, don't let him win."

"Al, with all due respect. He's had it coming."

"You think Voight is going to let him walk out of here in one piece. You need to keep your nose clean and we are going to make sure you do. You've got Matilda to worry about and Lana."

Voight folded his arms across his chest and rocked back in the chair. "What I can't figure out is why you have this unhealthy obsession with Ruzek? I get that you are pissed that Burgess knew what a mistake she made fucking you. You know Matilda isn't yours, don't you?"

Roman leant forward and was about to say something but Voight cut him off. "Don't even try to screw with Ruzek over that. He's not as stupid as you obviously are." He slid a folded piece of paper in front of him but as Roman reached for it he moved it away. "That's confidential. Private medical information." He added with a smirk.

"What I want to know is how does he know about Bear?" Ruzek roared as he paced around the small room.

They were scratching their heads over that and Roman was giving them nothing. It was up to Mouse to join the dots. He hacked into Roman's cloud. The guy obviously thought he was smart or just didn't care.

"Hey Ramirez." Al jogged lightly down the stairs. "Got a minute. We need you."

He followed Al up the stairs once he'd got the nod from his desk sergeant. "What's up?"

"Sit." He pointed to Ruzek's desk. Voight led Roman from the Interview Room, past Ramirez who suddenly broke out into a sweat. Al didn't say a word but grabbed Ramirez by the arm, probably a little too tightly and led him to the Interview Room that had now been vacated. He baulked when he saw Ruzek sitting in the room waiting for him and Al shoved him through the door.

In front of Ruzek was a laptop. Mouse had cued up the pages he needed. Al gave Ramirez a nudge and stood behind Ruzek, leaning against the glass and levelled his gaze at the Patrol Officer.

A bead of sweat ran down Ramirez's forehead but he was too scared to even move to wipe it away. Ruzek's eyes had him frozen. Slowly Ruzek spun the laptop around and he flicked through a few photos, pictures of his daughter and his girlfriend.

"Roman's got some interesting photo's." Finally Ruzek spoke. "And some interesting emails."

What they found was that Roman had been in contact with Ramirez and asked him to take photos of Matilda and provide him with some information. They included photos obviously taken inside the District when Matilda came to visit. She would often spend some time down at the desk with Platt and it would be easy enough to snap a few photos and that was exactly what they looked like. "Care to explain?"

"He asked me for some photos." He shrugged. "I didn't ask why but I know he was pretty tight with Burgess."

"And?"

"And what?"

 _'It seems Ruzek's got a new girlfriend. Her name is Lana Barrett, not sure what she does, she's not a cop. I overheard Erin talking to her.'_ Ruzek read out one of the emails. "Shall I continue?"

Ramirez shook his head. There was nothing they could charge him with but his time with the 21st was done, Voight made damn sure of that. Things had a habit of following you around in this job and Ramirez would be a fool to think he'd got off easy.

Lana didn't know what to do or say. "What do you mean? Why would he have photos of me?"

"I don't know Baby." Adam was unnerved by her panicked voice. "Talk to me, please."

"Hmmm." Lana shook her head trying to organise her thoughts and closed her eyes.

"Bear." Adam sat up and tried to pull her down next to him but she resisted. "I'm so sorry that you've been dragged into this. I thought I was protecting you from him but I wasn't I was living in fear that he would take everything I love away from me, like he did before."

"So what happens now?"

Roman wasn't charged but he also wasn't allowed near any of them again. Voight had certainly made his point and he was hoping they had seen the last of Sean Roman. "There is a restraining order against him, he can't come near us and we get on with our lives."

"Just like that." Lana cocked her head to the side and clicked her fingers. She squeezed his hand and tried to get out of bed as Adam grabbed her arm to try and stop her. This was all going wrong and he felt it all slipping away and he didn't know what else to do to convince her otherwise.

"Bear." He desperately tried to hang on. "I love you."

"Adam, Let me go. Just for a minute. I need to use the loo." The first time she had called going to the bathroom the 'loo' he scratched his head. The words she used at times still confused him or made him laugh. He let go of her hand, reluctantly and hoped it wasn't the last time he got to hold it. When he heard the shower start up he realised she was not coming back right away and it worried him. He contemplated joining her but that would be forcing her into something she might not be ready for so he got up and pulled on his jeans and headed out into the kitchen and found himself a drink. He leant against the bench and looked at the smooth amber liquid now in his glass.

Life was shit at the moment. He had the feeling that sometime in the next few minutes this was going to be all over and he'd be back with just Matilda. Not that being with Matilda would be a bad thing, far from it he just wished for something different, he wanted someone in his life, and he wanted Lana. He emptied the glass in one mouthful, grimacing slightly as it slid down his throat and burned in the pit of his empty stomach as he awaited his fate. Like a guilty man on death row enjoying his last supper.

As she stepped under the shower the tears fell, not unexpectedly. No one ever said this was going to be easy. From the moment she met him she knew it was dangerous to let herself fall in love with him but she had, she couldn't stop herself. He was beautiful, a beautiful father to his girl, a loyal and loving friend and he was a cop in a dangerous unit. He loved his job; that much was obvious. It was what he always wanted to be. Was there room for her too? He deserved to have someone who could let him be all that.

When she came out of the shower she was surprised that he wasn't in the bedroom and felt a mixture of panic and regret. Had she let him walk out of her life? If he had walked away did that mean he didn't think she was worth fighting?

Relief flooded through her when she saw him leaning on the kitchen bench, he was hunched over his phone and seemed to be watching a video. Coming up behind him she slipped her arms around his waist and kissed his back. He bowed his head a little and she could sense a feeling of defeat in his stance.

"I thought you'd gone."

"Do you want me to?"

Lana rested her head on his back. He wasn't sure if the wetness he felt were tears or just her wet hair but he held his breath waiting for the axe to fall. "No."

"Tell me what I can do to make this easier for you? I can't lose you." That desperation that he felt earlier was back.

"Baby, look at me." Slowly he turned in her arms and her heart skipped a beat when she saw how upset he was. "I don't want you to go. Not now, not tomorrow but I do want you to let me in. I know there are things you can't tell me and there are probably things I don't want to know. I am not a cop and it scares the crap out of me but what scares me more is not having you. This past week I realised that there are things you can control and things you can't. I can't stop myself from loving you, I don't want to so I need to find a way to live with your life. It might just take me some time."

"You can have all the time you need as long as you are still with me, with us 'cos we are kinda like a package deal." He promised, with all his heart that he would let her in, that he would try and allay her fears as best he could. Kissing her with every ounce he had in him he eventually drew away. "I love you, so much." And her heart melted because it wasn't only that he had said it but she could feel that he meant every word.

Lana watched him sleep. At times he looked tortured when he slept, like he was never quite resting but this morning he looked peaceful. "I feel like you are watching me?" she gasped when he spoke without opening his eyes.

"I am."

Gradually he opened his eyes and smiled at the sight of her lying facing him. "Why?"

"I wanted you to wake up."

"There are better ways to wake me than stare at me. Like you could tell me that you love me again. I'll never get sick of hearing that."

"Hmmm, I do love you." She leaned in and kissed his nose. "Adam." His hands were suddenly around her waist pulling her naked body against his. "I miss Matilda. Can we go and get her?"

He had just started attacking her neck with his lips and stopped suddenly. "What?"

"Can we go and pick up Matilda?"

Groaning, he buried his head into her shoulder. "That's what you woke me for? Really?"

"Really. I really miss her."

"But.." he whined. "Baby can we finish this first." Slipping one hand down between her thighs she squealed and tried to push his hands away.

"Adam, haven't you had enough?"

"Never, that was last night, this is a new day." Rolling over and trapping her beneath him he let his hands wander. "Then I promise we'll go and get her."

If she had any lingering doubts they were forgotten the instant Matilda saw her. Her precious little face as she flung herself at Lana was all it took to seal the deal, for both of them.


	26. Chapter 26 - The Last Dance

"Come on Matilda." Adam had his keys in his hand and was waiting impatiently by the door. "What are you doing?"

Slowly she wandered out of her room having obviously changed her clothes. Adam sighed. "What are you wearing? Where is your dress?" He had done his best to convince her to wear her new dress but she was now sporting a pair of inside out leggings and a t-shirt that was far too small. "You are not wearing that."

"It was scratchy."

"What was? Jesus Matilda you are just like your mother." Kim would often change her clothes numerous times before finally deciding on what to wear and then was rarely happy with her choice. He grabbed her hand and marched her back down the hall. "Bloody Hell." It looked like a crime scene.

"Language Daddy." Being admonished by his daughter was not appreciated.

He waved his hand at the pile on the floor. "Well if you didn't make this mess I wouldn't have to say it."

"My dress was scratchy." She started to whine when Adam asked her again why she got changed. Apparently the tag was scratchy and that, according to a four year old was worse than death.

"Then I will cut the tag off." Adam snatched it from the floor where it lay amongst half her wardrobe as Matilda's eyes started to well up. "You are not wearing that. It's either this dress or you can pick another one."

Finally they agreed on black cotton dress with some bright flowers. It was probably starting to get a little short but he really didn't have time to continue to argue with her. Adam was already lamenting the battles he seemed to be having with his daughter about clothes. He didn't win a lot of the time but today he was determined not to give into her.

Matilda was looking more like Kim as the days went by. Her hair had darkened and it bounced around in a ponytail as she walked. Her eyes were big and brown with long dark lashes. It was Kim's eyes and smile that first attracted him but he now all he had was their daughter and he loved that without having ever met her mother, Matilda was his mini Kim. He'd come a long way from those initial days, weeks and months when the pain was still far too real. She also had many of her traits, including her propensity to leave everything to the last minute and dither about just as they were ready to leave. Kim was always running late and Matilda possessed the same lack of time management.

He gave her a quick nudge out the door when he sensed she was about to turn back for something. "Come on we are going to be late."

He rested a hand on the door and stole a glance at his daughter, her warm hand comfortably holding his. He found it hard to believe that more than four years had slipped by and how far they had come. They started this journey helpless and dependant on each other for life. Perhaps they still were but it wasn't just them anymore. He let the breath out as he watched Lana hold out her arms and envelope Matilda in the most precious of hugs. "Hey my gorgeous girl. I've missed you."

Adam smiled at them both; he loved watching them together. Lana was as close to a mother that she could have, she had supported Adam every step of the way and loved Matilda almost as fiercely as he did. There were still photos of Kim in their house and particularly in Matilda's room and they always told her about Kim and she listened to those stories again and again, often talking along with them. They told her she was lucky because not everyone got to have two mothers, the one that created her and made her so beautiful and the one that was helping make her into the special little girl that she was.

Matilda would only ever know, really know Lana as her mother. Kim was a photo and a voice. Lana was a heart, a comforting pair of arms, a sweet kiss, a laugh and a smile, she was everything that Kim couldn't be, she was here.

He leant down and kissed them both before turning and picking up the tiny newborn. "Hey Tilly, look you are a big sister now." Lana helped Matilda up onto her lap as Adam crouched down in front of his four-year-old daughter. "Would you like a cuddle?"

He placed the baby in Matilda's waiting arms and her smile was as bright as Christmas. Lana slipped one arm around his neck and kissed the top of his head as a few tears ran down his cheek. "It's okay Sweetheart. We are all here." She whispered. "We are all okay."

Matilda's bottom lip started to quiver. "Why is it crying?"

"I think someone is starting to get hungry." Lana reassured her and tucked a stray wisp of hair behind her ear. "It's okay." Matilda watched Lana start to feed the baby, softly touching its head.

"It's Bear milk." Matilda looked very pleased with herself when they both laughed. Adam tried not to feel sad about it as he watched them together. It was beautiful and he wished both Matilda and Kim had the chance to experience it, even just for a moment.

Adam felt his heart beat a little faster as the tiny baby squirmed in his arms. He ran one finger along the newborn's soft cheek and smiled at the warm grey eyes that were staring back at him. "Perfect." He whispered. "You are perfect."

Adam closed his eyes; it had been a long few weeks. The closer Lana got to having the baby the more stressed he became and he was on edge constantly. When she first told him she was pregnant it hadn't been his finest moment and the strain he put them under was immense. He'd walked out on her, suddenly unable to breath and left her sitting alone in tears for hours wondering where he had gone. When he came back he apologised but it was still obvious to her that he was struggling with the news. He should have been happy but all he could feel was terror.

It was weeks before he even talked to her about her pregnancy, he never mentioned it but he would make sure that she was okay, bring her breakfast in bed to help with her morning sickness, which was pretty rough for a few weeks and made sure she was eating well and not working too much. It wasn't fair, Lana was excited about becoming a mother but she did try and understand why Adam was struggling and he kept apologising but nothing changed.

From very early on Lana was honest with him and he always knew she wanted a child of her own, she had told him that before they moved in together. He wanted them to be a family and for her that also meant having more children. He needed to be okay with that. As much as she loved Matilda she wanted someone to call her Mom, Tilly stilled called her 'Bear' and she loved it and she never expected that to change. It wasn't that Adam was opposed to having another baby, they had talked about it and it wasn't even that the pregnancy was completely unplanned but Adam had no idea how he would react and as it turned out, he didn't react well.

He told no one about the pregnancy and that was devastating for her, the fact he didn't seem to want people to know. Lana tried to be patient with him but once she started to show he withdrew even more and she worried about what the stress of it was doing to her baby.

"Why? You don't want this baby do you?" Lana rested her hands protectively over her small baby bump one night when it all started to get too much. She had waited for him to be ready but he had feet like clay. The baby had been kicking now for a week or so and Adam had yet to feel it. He would always ask how her appointments went and usually found an excuse to get out of attending them but when he was alone he would stand and stare at the grainy ultrasound picture that Lana left pinned to the fridge and would run a finger over the image and try to quell his fears.

"I do. I just don't want everyone asking how I am coping or if I am scared about the birth?"

"Well you know what? I am scared." She just lost it at him. "I am scared that I am going to be doing this alone. I am scared because I feel you pulling away from me." She pressed her hands against her eyes trying to stop the tears, to no avail. Her hormones were not helping her stay calm or in control although she just didn't have the energy or patience anymore. "I don't want to do this alone. I thought you wanted this too?"

"Come on Lana…"

"Adam, I love you and I love this baby." The tears were now falling freely and Lana felt the faintest glimmer of hope when Adam quickly brushed them away. It was however, a fleeting moment. "I want to enjoy being pregnant, I want to feel happy and I want people to be happy for us but you obviously don't want that. Why did you agree to have a baby if you were going to be like this?"

"I'm not stopping you from being happy."

"No? Do you know what it feels like to see you look like you don't care about this baby or how I am?"

"Don't." He held up his hand. "Don't you dare say that I don't care about you or how you are. I have always made sure you are okay."

Lana just ignored him. She was too angry to acknowledge his feeble attempts at defending himself. How dare he sound angry with her. "Do you know what it feels like to worry if you are going to even be there with me? Do you know what it feels like to worry about whether you are going to love my baby?"

He hated hearing her so distressed and he hated himself because he couldn't make himself do anything about it. "Our baby." He shot back at her; the strain evident in his voice. "You have no idea how hard this is for me."

"You know what Adam, I do. I do understand that this is hard for you. I wish you could understand that it's not easy for me either." She grabbed her keys and phone and left, not even stopping when she heard him call her name.

Later that night Adam finally crept into their room well after Lana had gone to bed. "It's kicking." He slipped quietly in beside her and she startled him when she spoke. They hadn't really talked much all evening. In all honesty they hadn't talked much for weeks and he found himself staying up late and only coming to bed once he thought she was asleep.

Adam rested his hand on her belly and felt the baby kick for the first time. He kissed her shoulder in the dark. "I'm scared that I am going to lose you."

"I know." Lana put her hands over his. "I know Sweetheart, but I feel like I am already losing you."

"You're not. I love you so much. I love this baby, I really do. I want this baby." He buried his head in her shoulder and could feel the tears on bare skin. "Don't give up on me, please?"

"I don't want to give up, I'm trying."

Amanda had been her rock. From the moment she told Amanda about the pregnancy she had been on her side, knowing full well that Adam wasn't offering her much in the way of support. Lana had asked her if she would be there if Adam couldn't and of course she agreed. "He loves you, you know he does."

"I know. It's just hard. I want to be excited and enjoy being pregnant but I can't because Adam is so reluctant to even talk about it."

"You know how good a dad he is to Matilda, he will be just as good to this baby. I have no doubt. I've learnt with Adam that it sometimes takes him a while to get on the same page as everyone else but he does get there. He always does the right thing."

"Aunt Trudy." Matilda sang as he climbed the front steps and skipped across the foyer. "I'm here. Is my Daddy here?" Matilda loved coming here because not only did she get spoilt and was the centre of attention but it also meant that she got to see her Dad, who was still her favourite person in the whole world.

"Yes Sweetie, he is….what the hell?" She peered over the top of her glasses, firstly at Matilda who she hadn't seen for weeks and then at Lana, who was following closely behind. Matilda scowled at Platt and reminded her that she shouldn't say bad words.

"That's a dollar for the jar. Daddy says it all the time." Platt frowned at her as she handed over a dollar.

Platt had Matilda up on the desk in an instant and at the same time as she picked up the phone. "Ruzek, get your ass down here right now. You have some serious explaining to do." She barked.

"So?" Lana rubbed her belly. "We've been keeping this a secret for a while." She tried to laugh it off but it had been painful not sharing their news with the people who had fast become her family too. It would take a while to put the last few months behind them but the tide had definitely turned and Amanda had been right. Once he got on the same page he was embracing it. Kissing and talking to her belly every night, touching her at every opportunity and making love to her like his life depended on it.

"So it seems and I will kill him for keeping this beautiful thing to himself." Platt leant over the desk and squeezed Lana's hand. It hadn't taken long for the crusty desk sergeant to fall in love with this woman, despite Adam warning her that she didn't give her love freely. Lana had certainly witnessed Platt's sarcasm but had never been on the end of it. This, Platt felt was just the icing on the cake and the end of a very long road.

Platt beckoned her a little closer. "How's he doing?" She nodded towards the stairs.

"He's getting there. It's been a bit rough but I think we are in a good place right now. He asked me to come in today so that's a good thing." She didn't need to say much more at this point, Platt understood. "Please don't ask him though, that's one of his biggest fears is that people will keep bringing up Kim with him."

Ruzek looked a little sheepish as he arrived downstairs and faced Platt. She looked at him sternly and he bit his bottom lip nervously. "Hey Sarge. What's up?" He was almost certain that was going to earn him a smack about the head, if it wasn't against the law and they weren't in a public place.

"What's up? Hmmm, I wonder. What the hell is this?" Before Matilda could speak Platt pulled another dollar out of her pocket and handed it to her without taking her eyes off Ruzek. Lana just stood back and watched it all unfold. It was amusing how nervous Platt made him, even after all these years.

"Well….We wanted to surprise people."

"Oh I am surprised. I am surprised she has put up with you for so long and that she let you knock her up." She grabbed his hand and pulled him halfway across the desk. "Congratulations. This is the best news ever. I can't wait to be Aunt Trudy all over again." And she finally let her face break into a smile.

"Surprise." Matilda bounded up the stairs waiting to see who would acknowledge her first so that she could start her usual procession from one desk to the next in search of treats. "Oh my god." Erin shrieked as she leapt up from her desk. "What the hell?" Fortunately for Erin Matilda was busy convincing Atwater to open his top drawer because that was where all the good stuff was.

"Seems a popular phrase." Lana giggled as she leant into Adam at the top of the stairs.

"Bear has a baby in her tummy." Matilda added helpfully once she had secured a lollipop from Atwater.

Finally when she looked at Adam she saw what she always wanted, he looked happy. Slipping a hand across her belly he sounded excited when he announced, "This little package is about 5 months cooked."

When she got home the next day he had left a soft white rabbit in the middle of the dining table for _'our cub.'_

Adam felt her get out of bed, it was hard not to notice as moving around wasn't really that easy for Lana at the moment and she was hardly graceful. The due date had come and gone a few days ago which had done nothing to ease Adam's anxiety and they had until Monday and if nothing had happened they would be induced.

Assuming she had just gone to the bathroom he rolled over and went back to sleep. He had only made it into bed less than two hours ago having called her last night to say he had to work late and it somehow turned into the wee hours of the morning.

"Adam." Lana shook his shoulder lightly. "Adam, honey wake up."

He opened one eye slowly. "What time is it?"

"A little after eight." He closed his eyes again. "Adam I need you to wake up."

"Why? It's Saturday. I just got home."

"Because we need to go, I'm in labour." Panic, pure and utter panic was the only way to describe the look on his face.

"How long? Why didn't you wake me?"

"I am waking you now. It's been fine for the last few hours but I've called Val." They had decided that Val would look after Matilda when the time came because Adam didn't want the pressure of having everyone checking up on them, or more precisely checking up on him. The last thing he needed was people hanging out in the waiting room worrying about what was going on. He sat on the edge of the bed trying to gather his bearings. Lana knelt down between his legs and leant into him when he rested a hand on her cheek. "I love you." He whispered as he pressed his lips to her forehead and he felt her draw in a sharp breath and grab his bare thighs while she rocked a little while another contraction squeezed her.

She buried her head in his lap. "Well either this has got you strangely horny and I am about to get a blowjob or you are about to rip it from my body with your teeth for doing this to you." Adam had no idea why he felt the need to try and make a joke and he wasn't surprised at her reaction. Suddenly he jumped as her fingernails dug into the tender skin of his inner thigh causing him to yelp. "Sorry Baby."

Lana rocked back on her heels as the contraction eased and smiled an uneasy smile. "You will be if you make a crack like that again." He leant forward and kissed her softly. She could feel the fear in his kiss and they stayed in the calm for a few minutes.

"Adam can we go please." There were two conflicting emotions at play but they were both fuelled by fear. Going to the hospital scared him because that's where it all went so wrong last time yet staying here wasn't an option either because what if something did go wrong?

He held her hand the entire trip and refused to let go even once they were in the delivery room. Everyone in that room knew what the deal was and they were patient with Adam as he swung wildly from one emotion to the next. Fear, angst, anger and sadness each taking their turns at controlling him. "Please don't leave me." He whispered "I love you Bear." He couldn't even feel relief when she gave one last push and they heard and saw their baby for the first time.

"Is everything okay?"

"The baby is fine."

He wasn't asking about the baby who was already safely cradled in Lana's arms; it was the mother of his child he was worried about. Lana had asked a midwife to be ready to take a photo of them the moment the baby was born because Adam wasn't capable. He was frozen to the spot, watching the Doctor and looking for any sign that something was wrong. He couldn't focus or speak until he knew that Lana was going to be okay. The clock ticked slowly while he waited, he was barely breathing until that moment the Doctor had stepped away and nodded and he held onto the bed as he felt his knees buckle with relief.

The photo was important to Adam. The devastation he still felt that they never took a photo when Matilda was first born and she would never have a single photo of her with her mother was heartbreaking for Lana, even after all these years it was one of his most painful regrets. And then the tears fell.

When he finally left them it was late. They had all spent a few hours together, just the three of them. He had held his newborn child while Lana showered and had something to eat. He watched them as they both slept between feeds and just let the utter joy he felt fight with the desperate sadness he experienced. Lana held his hand as he worked his way through it.

He was filled with joy because his family felt complete. He watched with delight as Lana got to know their baby, as she experienced those first moments as a mother and he felt desperately sad that Kim never got this chance and Matilda never had that opportunity to experience those first hours with her mother. "Go home and see Tilly. Tell her I love her and I can't wait to see her." He had lingered over his farewell kiss and she could sense his trepidation at leaving them. "I tell you what, how about I call you every time we wake up?"

"Can you? I don't care what time it is, I just want to hear your voice."

And she did, each time the baby woke for a feed she would call Adam and let him know that she was okay, that they both were.

They had talked about a lot of things. Whether this was it for them, one child? Adam wasn't sure if he could put himself through the pressure of having more children and he still felt guilty for the stress that he put them under and how much he had hurt Lana early on in the pregnancy. Would it be enough for Lana to have only one baby? "Adam Sweetheart. I have two children. This is what I wanted, to have someone call me Mum, doesn't mean I don't honestly believe that I have two children. I love Matilda, with all my heart."

"I know you do. That's all ever wanted for her, for her to be loved." She had rested her head on his shoulder and he ran his hands over her bulging belly. They only had a few weeks to go at that stage.

"This, what we have, Matilda and this one." Resting her hand on his "This is perfect."

Now he felt much more at ease. Coming back today and spending this time with his family had been perfect and while he knew that Lana was itching to tell the world she had enjoyed these precious moments when no one else knew. "You and Matilda are so lucky because we love you both so much." he whispered as he stared at his new child snuggled safely in his arms. Matilda had quickly lost interest and focussed on the colouring in book that Adam had the sense to bring with him. She had the attention span of a gnat, another trait he happily declared come from her mother although many people would argue that it was definitely a Ruzek characteristic.

Lana took a photo of the three of them together and the smile on his face was pure. Every lingering ounce of pain vanished from his eyes and she could not have ever imagined loving this man anymore. His fears were real but he shared them, his pain had been deep but he let her hold some of it and he leant on her when it got too much. His love for her was simple but it was unwavering and limitless and she had learnt to allow him the space to let him deal with his past so he could embrace their future.

He sent it to his family; to his Unit, to those who had stood by him and picked him up every time he stumbled, those who had loved Matilda when he couldn't and encouraged him to embrace his new life.

' _I am destined to be spend my life surrounded by beautiful women. Our little cub arrived safely yesterday afternoon. Arianwyn Barrett Ruzek is perfect, Matilda is happy to be a big sister and Bear is healthy and beyond happy.'_

Adam was happy; he finally felt lucky and he was content. He had loved two women deeply and they had both given him the world.

In his arms he held his two precious daughters.

A **/N: This is the end. I have really enjoyed writing this story, which came from a little thought that popped into my head. Thank you for reading & reviewing. It means a lot to know that you were as invested in Adam's story as much as I was.**

 **There are a few 'deleted scenes' to this story, some of them chapters, some just snippets that along the way I just couldn't find a way to fit them in seamlessly. I didn't want it to drag on and on so I ended up cutting out a lot. Do you want to read them? Let me know….**


	27. The Extras Pt 1

**A/N: Okay, so here are a few of the bits and pieces that didn't make the cut. I will try & explain some of the background to them if there is a story. I apologise if they are a bit rough, when I decided not to use them I didn't really edit them properly. I will keep them chronological. So this instalment is basically Matilda as a baby.**

The first time Adam held Matilda against his bare chest the feeling was indescribable. Her tiny body was warm, her skin was so soft and she uncurled her tiny fingers and laid them on his neck. Her head was tucked up under his chin and he seriously could have stayed like this for hours.

They had read about having skin to skin contact with their baby as soon as they were born, and Matilda did have that briefly. When she was handed to Kim the midwife had slipped the gown down off her shoulders and Matilda was laid on her chest. It was only a couple of minutes but that was better than nothing and all she got.

She had been asleep so he thought he'd grab a shower. It gave him a strange sense of peace, the feeling of warm water sliding over his body relaxed him and he could switch his mind off and focus on nothing. That gave him some precious moments alone. His life had been turned on its ear and from the moment he opened his eyes he was on the go. He was learning how to care for a baby, a newborn who had a mind of her own. What he figured out one day; changed the next. He was grieving for his wife and that probably would have been enough on it's own without the challenge of Matilda. He also wanted to do it on his own as much as possible.

His mother was a godsend, even though they hadn't spent a lot of time together over the years. He asked her to back off a little with regards to Matilda. He wanted to look after her so Janet agreed to take care of his house. She cleaned, did the laundry and cooked for him so that he could spend the time getting to know his daughter.

As soon as he turned off the water he could hear Matilda's startling cry. He quickly wrapped a towel around his waist as he rushed into his bedroom. Not only was she crying but her face was bright red and she was looking mightly pissed off. "Oh Baby Girl, I'm sorry." He picked her up and realised exactly why she was so pissed, she had shit everywhere, leaking out the sides and up her back.

"God seriously Matilda, where does it come from?" This actually horrified him. How there was so much of it and how it managed to find it's way out of her diaper. As soon as he got her clothes off and took the diaper off he wasn't quick enough to stop her getting her foot in it.

Once he cleaned her up and at least got her diaper on he lifted her up and it was that moment he felt her skin on his that his heart almost stopped. Her crying stopped, her hand on his neck, the other one tucked under his arm and he closed his eyes for a moment. Walking back towards his bed he lay down and just enjoyed the moment for as long as Matilda was happy to lie on his chest. Enjoyed wasn't probably the right word. It was pure love and utter joy, the happiest he'd been in almost a month. He didn't think he could love her anymore than he did at that moment but it was just the beginning.

In the week since he had broken the ice with her his evenings were always spent watching TV while she slept on his chest. It was her favourite spot and Adam loved having the weight of her, as light as it was on his chest. It seemed to deaden his pain a little. His mother had told him that he was spoiling her. Well, then he was going to spoil the shit out of her.

He knew already, that she liked having her back rubbed and it made him smile as she squirmed at little under his touch. He could now understand how important that skin on skin contact was for a newborn. She felt calmer now. Her movements weren't as jerky as they were when she was pissed off. He could feel her fists opening and closing, her fingers trying to grab hold of his skin as he ran his hand over her back softly and played with one of her feet, her toes curling as he ran his thumb over the sole of her tiny bare foot.

 **Adam starts heading out with Matilda**

"Oh look at this sweet girl." The waitress leant over the pram and peered in at the thankfully sleeping baby. It had been a rough night and for some reason Matilda had decided that 2am until 5am was as good a time as any to be awake.

"Sweet now, not so much a few hours ago." Adam ordered a coffee and some bacon and eggs. Having given up on going back to sleep he put Matilda in her pram and decided to go for a run and naturally she was now fast asleep so he stopped for breakfast feeling the need not be cooped up inside their apartment. Slowly he was venturing further and further from home and gaining his confidence in taking her out.

He had learnt very quickly that you never went out with a full change of clothes, diapers, wipes and a bottle of formula. Shit could go sideways very quickly, literally and figuratively and even a ten minute trip to the grocery store could end horribly.

"How old is she?"

"Two months almost." He looked at her splayed out, hands above her head in her usual sleeping position and rediscovered the love he didn't have earlier that morning. Why anyone would voluntarily decide to be a single parent was beyond him. How he would have loved to be able to nudge someone and say 'it's your turn.'

"I'll bring you your coffee, you look like you need it." He smiled at the older lady.

The following week he was back again. Not only did Matilda seem to like to sleep while he ran it gave him time to zone out and forget about things for a while. The first few weeks of running always hurt but he was finding his groove again, he didn't love it, he never really had but going back to work in a few weeks required a certain level of fitness and running was often part of his job. He'd lost count of how many perps he'd chased down once they'd all figured out he was the fastest in the team.

The same waitress greeted him. "Ah, you're back with my angel." Matilda was still asleep. "She's always sleeping."

"I wish."

It became routine, a Sunday morning run followed by coffee and breakfast. He liked the older woman too. She was sweet, always remembering them and his order just appeared without needing to ask for it. The excitement on her face when Matilda happened to wake up one morning was pretty cute. "Oh hello beautiful girl." She crouched down and smiled at her and lightly stroked her foot. "What's your name? I bet it's as pretty as you."

"Matilda."

"Oh how perfect. Hello Matilda." She looked up at Adam and held out her hands. "May I?" He was always a bit reluctant to let people hold her but felt that the waitress, who he did know was Mary, was not so much a stranger. She was a grandmother of eight who just loved working here because she loved talking to people. Adam handed her over and did like the way she gentle rocked her in her arms and talked softly to her. "You're daddy is so nice giving mom a break every Sunday."

He looked down at his cup of coffee, it was still so raw. He knew people watched him with this tiny baby and probably wondered where her mother was. At the grocery store where they were regulars he could feel the staff were desperate to ask why it was always him with the baby and not Kim, even up to the day before she was born they were in here. In baby stores when he needed to get her new clothes because she was growing like a weed there was always a slightly worried look on the sales assistants face, either that or he was being paranoid.

"She doesn't have a mother." He said quietly.

Mary could see the sadness in his eyes and she reached out and placed one hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Her mother died when she was born." He almost had to look around to see where the words came from because they didn't feel like they came from him because he rarely felt the need to tell anyone.

"How sad for both of you."

"Thanks." He took Matilda back and tucked her up under his chin and planted a soft kiss on her head. "We are in this together, hey Baby." He cooed lightly.

"And you are doing great." She picked up Adam's tab and screwed it up. "I look forward to seeing you both next week." He nodded and they came back the following week.

 **This piece was written after a particularly entertaining day at work. This is based around what I deal with in my job. The old breast v bottle debate rears it's ugly head.**

Yet another one of his mother's great ideas was fast descending into a disaster. He needed to trust his gut and have a little more faith in himself but he was just trying to do his best and keep his head above water. So he found himself sitting in a small room filled with other parents and their babies. Or more specifically mothers and their babies and he was attracting attention without even trying being the only male in the room over the age of six months. He was at a group session on Introducing solids. They were still a few weeks off that yet but he wanted to be prepared.

He was like a Boy Scout, _be prepared,_ he was always reading ahead trying to find out what Matilda would be doing next or what he needed to do. He had to plan everything meticulously so that he could fit everything in. Being a single parent was relentless and some days putting one foot in front of the other was all he could manage. A day off sometimes meant a PJ day. He wouldn't even bother getting dressed and neither did he worry about getting Matilda out of her PJ's and they would ' _just hang'._

So next on the list was food. Sometime soon Matilda would be ready to eat and that was a whole new world for both of them. Already she would watch him eat and he felt a little unnerved by her intense gaze at times, and that apparently meant she was almost ready for her next milestone. His research gave him a list of foods that she could have and very few matched up with his current diet so they were both in for a big change.

"So, up until now all your baby has needed is Breast milk." Awesome he rolled his eyes, this old chestnut. He looked at Matilda who was happily lying on his lap and playing with a rattle. She looked no different from the baby next to him, except that she was way cuter. This entire breast versus bottle debate did his head in.

"They might start to be getting hungrier and demanding more feeds so resist the temptation to introduce foods too early or give them formula." This woman's voice droned on and he blinked a few times to try and concentrate while he waited for her to get to the reason they were all here.

"What's with the formula hate?" he muttered to the woman next to him, who looked a little surprised to hear him speak. He obviously spoke loud enough for the presenter to hear and she stopped and asked him if he had a question.

"I said what's with the formula hate?"

"All the evidence suggests that Breast Fed babies are healthier than formula fed babies and obviously the bonding between a mother and their baby is enhanced through nursing. Although it is wonderful that you are here and so interested in your daughter, it's important that they develop strong relationships with both their parents." The facilitator flew out of her chair at the back of the room to try and stop the presenter but it was too late.

"So you can't bond with a formula fed baby? Is that what you are saying?" Adam was surprised that he still sounded calm because he felt anything but.

"Not at all, you can bond with them also. You can take over once they are fed and there are other things you can do to help with the baby."

"Interesting." He knew very well that he should just let it go but he couldn't. It was probably one of his faults, knowing when to shut up. This subject though got his goat. Sure, it was tough for him but there was little choice and he still felt guilty about it. He couldn't imagine how women who couldn't feed their babies for whatever reason or chose not to felt constantly having their mothering skills undermined. Perhaps because of who he was, a cop that he felt it was his role to stand up for those that couldn't stand up for themselves. "So what you are really saying is that a mother who doesn't breast fed is not a good mother and a father is rather redundant, as long as he keeps bringing home the pay check."

"Not at all. Your role is very important, supporting your partner in those early months is one of the most important things you can do and once they are on solid foods you can be more involved. It's only for such a short time that they are on milk feeds alone and as you probably know there are many other ways you can bond with your baby, even getting up at night and bringing the baby in to be fed can be a special moment."

Adam nodded, looking thoughtful and smiled down at Matilda who was watching him and right now she seemed to be willing him on. When he talked she would lie and stare at him and the sound of his voice elicited a strong response in her, which would differ if he was upset, angry or happy. "Okay. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"What if breast milk is not available?"

"Less than 5% of mother's don't produce enough milk."

Adam breathed out slowly. "Well I guess a dead mother would be in one of those 5% then?" He heard the audible gasp ripple around the room. Four months on he had almost given up trying to soften the blow, particularly with strangers. Along the way enough people had happily given their opinions and eventually he just started shutting them down and the best way to do that was to be blunt, brutally sometimes.

He got some strange sense of satisfaction out of seeing the mortified look on the woman's face. The facilitator looked flustered as Adam stood up and grabbed Matilda's bag and she hastily followed him out of the room. "Adam, I'm so sorry. It's the first time she has been here, she's just filling in for our usual presenter"

"Don't worry about it."

"I will talk to her. Please come back in."

"No, thanks anyway. I'll be fine."

The group took a break and started to file out before he could leave. The presenter approached Adam and she paused a little until unsure of the response she would get. "I am sorry for your loss. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Well you obviously didn't set out to upset me personally but you actually don't really care. You are only concerned because you got called out. You know what. We had decided to Breast feed our baby, we know it was the best thing for her. My wife spent about two minutes with her baby, two minutes." He barked. "I am doing the best I can. She's happy, she's healthy and her and I spend a lot of time 'bonding' because believe it or not I am the one who sits up with her every night, alone. She's barely been sick and seems to be doing exactly what a four month old should be doing. So perhaps you should park you opinionated badgering at the door and realise that not everything is perfect but some people are doing the best they can."

"Perhaps I get a little carried away but I am just passionate about it. I think every baby deserves the best possible start in life."

"And I am passionate about my daughter and I think she deserves the best of everything. She had a crappy start to life and I am doing my best and you know what I think we are doing just fine. I wish she had a mother who could give her breast milk but she doesn't, hell I wish she had a mother to cuddle her and tell her that she loves her too. Doesn't make me a bad parent and does not make any other parent bad just because they don't do exactly what you want. Maybe you give your child a soda, I don't get on my high horse and make you feel like shit like you made me and anyone else in that room that gives their baby formula feel."

Matilda reached up and touched his face and he smiled at her. "So much for not bonding hey baby girl." He turned his back on the woman. He just didn't have the energy to talk to her anymore.

"Thank you." Adam turned around to see a small blonde woman behind him. "Thank you for speaking up."

"No worries." He adjusted Matilda in his arms.

"I am sorry to hear about your wife."

Adam just nodded and shook his head at Matilda playfully. "She caught me on a bad day."

"We are going to have a coffee after this, you should come."

He thanked her for the offer but he had to get back to work after dropping Matilda off at his mother's. Voight had given him the morning off so that he could come along to this and he was annoyed it was such a waste of time. It was the last time he was listening to any of his mother's suggestions, even Amanda had laughed at the suggestion. She couldn't imagine him sitting with a group of mother's learning about pureed broccoli and carrot.

Adam groaned, stretching his stiff neck and grabbing his phone. It was a little after midnight and he hadn't quite made it to bed yet. He had fallen asleep on the couch watching a ball game and honestly had no idea who won; the game had finished hours ago.

This week had bitten him on the arse. They had been on one case all week and had spent more time at work than he had at home and that meant that he hadn't spent nearly enough time with Matilda.

The weekend was ahead of them now and he was looking forward to not doing much except hanging out with his girl. However he was not that keen to start spending time with her in the early hours of the morning.

She was rubbing her forehead angrily on her mattress when he checked on her, he rested his hand on her head and was surprised at how hot she felt so he hunted around for some Advil which she was far from impressed at having to take. He hated giving her anything but weighing up the alternative, of her being miserable and sick he had no choice. Adam decided to just bring her into bed with him.

Big mistake because it wasn't long before he was cleaning up vomit while trying desperately to stop himself from spewing all over the bed. Sometimes having kids completely sucked and this was definitely one of those times. They jumped in the shower together because he couldn't stand the lingering smell in her hair. Pulling off her clothes and diaper he noticed that her wee smelt pretty rank but didn't have the energy to think about it right now. She settled back into her bed but he pulled up the rocker chair for himself, he wanted to be close to her in case she was sick again.

Needless to say he didn't get to sleep for long. She didn't vomit again but didn't sleep well either and they both dozed on and off in the chair together. Something was annoying her. He reluctantly dosed her up with some more Advil just after five am and they got another hour or so of sleep before he ended up calling Natalie Manning who offered to come and check her out. Thank god for his job and the people he had met along the way.

Matilda didn't let go of him all morning and even going to the bathroom resulted in her screaming. He put her in her cot and listened as she went ballistic. She was hot, annoyed and prone to startling outbursts of crying and near constant whining.

A UTI had turned Matilda into a nightmare. "How the hell did she get that?" Adam was thrown for a six. He didn't know a lot about girls, but he did know that they sometimes got UTI's. What shocked him was that he knew Kim would occasionally get them and that most of the time that was because of sex. Now this was a thought he did not want to entertain and his mind started to spin off in all different directions.

"It happens, it doesn't take much to pick up a bug." Natalie understood Adam's shock and could see his mind racing. Being a cop sometimes wasn't useful. "It's not what you think, little girls rarely go through infancy without picking one up. It's unpleasant but nothing sinister."

"You sure?"

"Yes Adam." She chuckled as she rubbed his arm. "The anti biotics will knock it on the head pretty quickly. She should be feeling better soon. Call me if you are worried."

The trip to the Drugstore wasn't fun. She was spiking a fever again, which caused her to vomit. He had learnt the hard way that when she got hot with a fever she spewed. Great, now he had to clean his car. His poor little girl, he felt helpless as she fussed and cried and the best they could do was lie on the couch all day.


	28. The Extras Pt 2

**_These pieces are all the second year of Matilda's life….once Adam had met Lana._**

Colleen looked up from her desk as her boss barrelled through the door. "Sorry, that went way longer than I hoped." Lana looked exasperated.

"How did it go?"

"It did my head in." She reached for the pile of messages that her assistant always left on the corner of her desk for her to pick up. Call her slightly old fashioned but she did like receiving them written on the piece of paper, that way when she actioned the message she could scrawl some notes on them.

Colleen chuckled. It had taken them a little while to find their groove. A new boss always bought change and having someone so much younger than she was had been a massive adjustment. Coupled with the fact that she had to learn her quirks, which basically meant tyring to decipher her language. "Why?"

"It was two hours of listening to someone try and sell me a Employee Assistance Portal that does exactly what our current one does and his main selling technique was flirting. He wasn't very good at either the selling or the flirting." Flicking through the messages it all seemed pretty routine and nothing that was going to bog her down for too long for which she was grateful, as it was a Friday afternoon. "Anyway, can you please grab me a tea? Don't you have Ed's birthday dinner tonight? You should take off early."

Her heart skipped a little beat when she saw the last message. It was a name and a number, no message. It was unexpected, although not unwanted. While she knew that she should deal with the work stuff first and having heard her phone ping with emails when she turned it back on she couldn't do anything because of that damn phone number.

"Hi Adam." Her hand was literally shaking as she sat at her desk. It wasn't what you would call an office with a view; it did have a large window on one side however the window looked out over the rooftop of the neighbouring building. Air conditioning units were not relaxing or pretty.

"Oh Hey, How are you?"

"Thanking god it's Friday."

"I hear you. Hey, I've only got a minute but was wondering if you were free for a coffee tomorrow?"

"I think I can squeeze you in."

"My Pop's is taking Matilda out tomorrow morning for a couple of hours, some District picnic or something. Anyway, how does 1030 sound?" They agreed on a time and a place. She had no idea where the place was that he suggested but she would find it.

"I am guessing that look is because you called the nervous guy back?" Colleen bought her coffee in.

"Did he sound nervous?"

"Extremely, he wasn't even going to leave a number. So I took a punt and asked for it." Lana smiled at her assistant. Colleen was a mothering type, she was quite a bit older and they certainly got on well enough. Despite her initial reluctance to stay when she learned she had a new younger boss Lana had put her at ease quick enough. She had taken the time to get to know her, was always asked about her family and kept up to date with birthdays, major events, her kids sports and often bought her in a coffee or something for morning tea. In return Colleen would go the extra mile and Lana always made sure she noticed.

"Well thank you for that."

 ** _Their first date…_**

"I am so sorry I'm late." Lana flew through the door and appeared breathlessly beside the table. Adam Jumped up to greet her, he was a bundle of nervous energy. He didn't do first dates well at the best of times let alone now, with everything that he had been through. He honestly thought that his dating days were over years ago and in those days it usually started with a drunken hook up.

"It's okay, you're not that late." Nervously he kissed her on the cheek and showed her into the seat opposite him. "How are you?" She was looking a little flustered, but still stunningly happy. He appreciated the view; she was wearing tight black pants, a pair of heels and white collared shirt underneath an orange leather biker jacket. Last time he saw her she was wearing a loose fitting dress and he suspected that what was underneath may have been impressive and he was right. It was hardly overdone unlike some of his previous date's efforts. Seriously did woman not know that sometimes less is more?

"A little hot and bothered." Slipping off her jacket she threw it over the back of the chair. "My Uber was late. I really need to get my car sorted."

"What's wrong with it?"

"I haven't bought it yet." She chuckled before ordering a pot of tea from the waitress who was waiting, not all that patiently beside their table. "I didn't have a car in Washington and driving on the wrong side of the road kinda freaks me out anyway. It's bad enough sitting on the wrong side of the car, but Chicago is a little more spread out so I guess I needed to get one and my parents are arriving for Christmas so I better get something organised soon." Her nervousness was cute. It surprised him a little because at Amanda's party she hadn't seemed all that nervous talking to him.

"How can you not have a car? How do you get around?"

"I catch the L or grab an Uber." The waitress bought the pot of tea along with Adam's coffee. "I think I have almost decided on one. " She shrugged a little, starting to feel a little more settled. "I just need to stop procrastinating."

"What are you looking at?"

"You know, one with four wheels, heated seats and an engine." He did like the way her eyes twinkled over the top of her teacup as she spoke.

"So cars are not your thing I am guessing?"

"Not really?" she screwed up her nose. "I guess that's the wrong thing to say?"

"Not at all. Me? I am more a bike type of guy but there is nowhere to put Matilda." Adam felt himself relax. "It's interesting though, did you really put heated seats before an engine?"

"Doesn't it get insanely cold here? Heated seats were extremely high on the list."

"All cars have them."

"Really, huh I did not know that. No wonder the guy looked at me like a was as dumb as a box of hair." She shook her head lightly as she laughed. "I guess he was like, come in spinner."

"I really have no idea what you just said." It was much easier than he had anticipated, they had fallen into this conversation effortlessly and nothing about it felt forced. "So you said you'd almost picked one?"

"Yep, it's a toss up between a couple of SUV's." She pulled out her phone and showed him the pictures of the two she was considering.

"Wow." He whistled and his eyes grew a little wider. He felt a little out of his depth with her all of a sudden. She may have been out of his league, which was disappointing because he liked her. He knew that Amanda and Peter were pretty well off, well compared to him anyway. Kim had always lamented; jokingly that she was the poor child in the family.

"What? Are they not good cars?"

"No, no, they are good, very good in fact." He just couldn't believe that she was tossing up between a BMW and a Mercedes Benz. How he wished he had that decision to make? "What's in the lead?"

"I don't know. I think whichever can get it to me first in red will win."

"So not only do you pick your cars depending on whether they have heated seats but also on colour?"

"Well, yes." Tilting her head to the side she smiled, almost shyly at him. "That's a girly thing to do, isn't it?"

"Yes it is. It's cute, I like it." He was flirting with her and her heart skipped a beat.

"You know I do like a man on a bike." Lana was surprised that it came out of her mouth. "However I always had a dream of a fireman on a red Ducati."

"Pftt, Fireman aren't that great. They just point a hose at some hot stuff."

"Hmm, anyway. So you don't have a bike?"

"Nah. One day maybe, I have a Matilda instead."

"So much better than a bike hey?" He couldn't argue with that. "How long have you been a cop?"

"About five years. I was still in the Academy when I was pulled out to do a undercover sting for the Intelligence Unit and I ended up staying." He drained the last of his coffee. "I always wanted to be a cop, my Pops is a cop."

"In the blood."

"Something like that. He was always larger than life and I loved it when he'd come home in uniform. He'd take me to the District on weekends and I would just sit and watch all these cops come and go. So it was just the only thing I wanted to do."

"He must be proud of you?"

"I guess he is, he doesn't like the Unit I am in. He hates my Boss but I think he's accepted it now. I had three months off when Matilda was born and he tried to talk me out of going back."

"What's wrong with your Unit?"

"Nothing, it's just a little rough. We do a lot of undercover work and get bought in on probably the worst cases and the hours are not nine to five that's for sure. It's a little dangerous. I guess everyone was worried about Matilda. I've only just started doing undercover stuff again. They benched me for a while." He enjoyed not only talking about work but also talking to someone who didn't know anything about his past or about Kim.

"I get the feeling that being benched was not your idea?"

"Not at all, but I appreciated why they did it." He leant back in his chair. "Being with Matilda was my priority. I wanted to make sure I was a big part of her life early on and I still am."

"So apart from work and your daughter what keeps Adam Ruzek ticking?"

"Beer, sport and friends."

Lana leant forward a little. "You sure you are not Australian?" He really liked her laugh.

 ** _A missing bit from the Charity Dinner they went to…._**

"Sorry I haven't called." As dinner was served he felt a little awkward sitting next to her. They had chatted briefly when she arrived but this was the first chance he got to talk to her alone. "It's been really busy lately."

"There is no need to explain. You don't need to apologise."

"That sounded lame didn't it? I can see it in your face. You think that was a lame excuse."

"Well yes, it was a little lame." Somehow he caught the twinkle in her eye.

"Really, we've been busy."

"How's Matilda?"

"Far to energetic for her own good. Talks to much, parties too hard and doesn't sleep enough."

"I'm surprised you came, this doesn't seem like your type of thing?"

"To be honest, it isn't but when Bug asked I thought it would be a good chance to see you again. I felt bad about not calling. You know I did really enjoy our coffee."

"I wasn't sure." She certainly wasn't making it easy for him. "I am glad you said yes."

He breathed a little easier. "So? What'd you end up choosing?"

It took her a moment to realise he was talking about her car. "The red one with heated seats."

"Cute." He chuckled and glanced at her from the corner of his eye. She was smiling and it lit up her face. He liked what he saw and there was a lot to like. She was gorgeous, not just in looks but her smile and personality completed the package. "You're very cute." Was that a little blush he saw?

God, he made her nervous. Hoards of butterflies were loose in her stomach. He was flirting with her again and she didn't want it to stop. "The Merc."

"You'll have to let me take it for a spin."

"I get the feeling that you may just drive like a lunatic."

"Not true, although I have been known to lock it up on a few corners chasing the riff raff I deal with everyday." He shook his head and waited until she turned to look at him. "I do like a good chase."

Now he was winking at her and she was turning to putty. He knew precisely what he was doing.

"So that's a no."

"Where is your sense of adventure?

"Oh, you'd be surprise at how adventurous I am." Two could play this game and she was going to give as good as she got.

"Really?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Well yes." He nudged her lightly and for the first time in what seemed liked forever he felt that spark. "Yes I would."

Amanda was watching them but she knew if she made that obvious Adam would have pulled away. It surprised her because not only was he smart and funny, he was confident outgoing and very easy on the eye. Even though he was her brother in law she could admit that. He looked like he was having a good time and she was glad she had invited him.

Lana hadn't asked her to invite him but didn't look upset when she suggested it and now looking at them flirting she could sense something going on.

"Wow, you can dance?" Adam's arm was around her waist and when he held her hand for the first time she actually thought her knees were going to give way.

 ** _The night Lana met Matilda for the first time…_**

"Where are you going?" Adam could feel her starting to move. His arm was draped over her back and he pulled her closer, pressing his body into hers.

"Home. It's getting late." She rolled over so that they were facing each other, it was probably not the best idea because it usually ended up with them having sex again. Not that she minded, that was always welcome. "Thank you for today."

"You know you don't have to keep thanking me for sex, I really don't mind. It's no chore." As he nuzzled her neck she could feel him smiling against her skin.

"You are so full of yourself." She pushed him away and when he rolled over onto his back she propped herself up on one elbow, resting a hand on his stomach she was making his skin tingle as she lightly dragged her fingers over his warm skin. "No, I meant for Matilda, meeting her today and spending time with you both was perfect."

"She likes you." Tucking one hand behind his head he looked thoughtful for a moment. "I knew she would. What's not to like?"

"True."

"Now who is full of themselves?"

Before she made a move to get out of bed again she kissed him sweetly trying to draw out the last few minutes. Leaving was never easy and sometimes it took a good hour or so before she actually left.

"Stay." His voice was so quiet she barely heard it.

"What?"

"Stay here. I don't want you to go." It was always a little unnerving that he never looked at her when he did things like this. "I want to wake up next to you in the morning."

"Are you sure?"

"Oh god yes. Please just stay."

 ** _This follows on from after Adam let Matilda listen to Kim's stories & his mother's pet project keeps calling._**

It was unusual that he didn't answer his phone. He looked at the number and put the phone back on the bench. "You going to answer that?"

"No."

"Why not? Is it your girlfriend?"

"Actually yes it is. Or at very least the woman my mother wants to be my girlfriend. It's Stacey."

That was not the answer she was expecting. The past few days had been a bit of a rollercoaster for them. Adam had struggled with the aftermath of his decision to let Matilda listen to the stories. All day he had been quiet and she had let him do what he needed to do. She waited for him once he had finished and held onto him. He didn't cry, but he was silent.

Suddenly he was distant and she found it a little hard to handle so she called him out. "If you want me to go I will. You seem annoyed with me."

"Don't be stupid. I don't want you to go. I thought we were going out for lunch?" he had wanted to get out of the apartment despite the cold. He hated keeping Matilda cooped up inside, it drove everyone nuts.

"What's the point? You are not even talking to me."

"Just because I am not swinging from the rafters doesn't mean I don't want you around. Jesus, I didn't think I needed to be the life of the party all the time."

"So, just don't shut us out. I know the last few days haven't been a barrel of laughs but we are trying to help."

"I know. So can we just go to lunch, please?" He tried to be better and Lana grinned and beared it as best she could. He would come out the other side, she knew he would it was just frustrating to watch.

The next day Stacey rang again. "Let me answer it." Lana snatched the phone from his hand. This was getting annoying.

"Hi, Is Adam there?"

"He's busy right now. Can I take a message?"

"Ah, can you ask him to give me a call."

"Sure, who can I say is calling?" Adam wasn't sure if Stacey was smart enough to pick up on her pissed off tone but he certainly was. He just hoped that it wasn't him that she was pissed with.

"Stacey. He knows my number."

"Any message?" Not that she had any intention of writing anything down.

"I was just hoping to organise a time to catch up for a drink or dinner and I want to check and see how Matilda is."

"Matilda is fine. Thanks for asking, we are glad it wasn't too bad."

She threw the phone on the table once she hung up. "So?" Adam rolled his head to the side.

"She has more front than Myer."

Again he was lost with her turn of phrase. "Pretend I know what you are talking about?"

"She wants to catch up for a date. I thought you told your mother about me?"

"I did but knowing my mother she would have neglected to pass that on."

"Well she needs to bloody well back off."

"You seem a little jealous there Babe." He grabbed her hand and kissed her palm. "Don't worry you are goddess and have nothing to worry about. Stacey is not even close to being in your league but I must say I do find this side of you very very hot."

 ** _Aussie Rules Football is not for the faint of heart….It's bloody confusing as Adam found out._**

He was honestly starting to think that she did have a problem; either that or this was basically what all Australians were like…completely and utterly mad.

True to her word she was teaching him about 'footy', although the term teaching was being very loosely applied in this case. He liked to think he had been a far more diligent teacher when they watched at game of American football together.

"Ball." She yelled jumping up off the couch and making a sweeping motion with both arms. "How the fuck did he get rid of it? Come on."

"How did he get rid of what?"

"The ball."

Adam rolled his eyes. "Oh okay that explains it." He shook his head as he laughed and took another mouthful of beer and returned his attention to the TV.

"You can't just drop it when you are tackled, you have to get rid of it correctly." She showed him what she meant. "You can either handball it or kick it."

"Good to know." He thought he had that under control except the next time she yelled 'ball' the player didn't drop it. "He held onto it." Adam stupidly pointed out.

"No that was holding the ball, the other one was dropping the ball. You can't just hang onto it when you are tackled if you have an opportunity to get rid of it you need to try."

"Why didn't you say that?"

"I did."

"No you said Ball."

"Same thing." Her explanation was not helpful….at all.

"Oh how far?"

He had only just a handle on the last part. "What now?"

"You can't run more that 15 metres without bouncing it."

"Like basketball?" Except the ball wasn't round and you didn't have to bounce it every step.

"Huh, sort of." She looked at him and he seemed pleased with himself that he'd got something right. "But actually, no nothing like basketball at all."

Suddenly she leapt up, startling him a little when a player seemed to leap onto another man's back and caught the ball up above his shoulders. "Nice catch."

Lesson number 295, you do not catch the ball. You mark it. He only made that mistake once. Also you can't be 'paid' the mark unless it's from a kick. And not only do you take a mark you can also give away '50' by going over the mark. He seriously had a headache.

"I actually think you might be insane." He came out with that after a tirade of abuse because of…..well he didn't actually know why. He was confused but highly amused by it all, undecided if it was more fun watching the game or watching her antics. The language included 'that wasn't fucking 10, oh so now you call play on. You can't ping him for that. Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me. Watch him call deliberate now.' She was using the word 'fuck' like a comma and all this while her team was actually winning.

At the end of it all he decided that men, who were completely mad ran around in shorts and sleeveless jerseys playing Australian Rules football….

"No it's a footy jumper." She had corrected him.

Regardless of the fact it was a jumper, it was a wet cold night in the middle of winter and they had no protection, no helmets, nothing and were smashing into each other like there was no tomorrow and not only was it played by mad men it was watched quite obviously watched by mad people too.

"I have no idea what that just was, but that was pretty cool." Adam slapped her lightly on the butt as she leapt off the couch when the final siren went. Her team had won by, apparently 4 points which was a close game. "Although you are friggin' insane."

"Ah, Adam Baby." She leant down grabbed both his cheeks and kissed him hard. "That was awesome." Being a little tipsy and happy that her team won made for a thoroughly entertaining night. He hoped her team won more often, he could really get used to this.

 **Australia Day comes to Chicago.**

"G'day Mate." He looked so pleased with himself and then she burst his bubble.

"Adam, please don't. That was terrible."

He held his hands on his chest and tried to look hurt. "What? I've been practising."

"That may well be the case but it was still terrible. Give it up, you will never be cool enough to talk Australian." He teased her constantly about her language; if he didn't understand what she was talking about he would tell her to speak English rather than Australian.

"How about I just talk dirty to you then?"

"You wish." She handed him some newspaper and a spatula and pushed him out of the kitchen. "Please can you clean the barbie?"

"It's like 25 out."

"Stop whining. Once you get it going it will help keep you warm."

'Fine, I will go and freeze my balls off while I am cleaning the grill." He grabbed his coat, shoved a beanie on his head muttering to himself the whole time.

As he opened the door Matilda perked up when she felt a rush of cold air. "Daddy cold."

"I know it is baby but Bear wants Daddy's nuts to fall off."

"I stay here." Most of the time she followed him around like a little lost puppy. If he went outside she was two foot up his backside, if he went into the bedroom to try and grab a couple of minutes rest if he had been working all night suddenly he had a little warm body beside him. Still to this day, the moment she heard him turn the shower on she was out of her clothes and climbing in with him. The speed at which she could get something off was astounding considering getting clothes onto her was a task in itself. It was cute, but frustrating at times.

Sitting on the toilet with an eighteen month old babbling away at you was just plain weird and he had never got used to that.

Lana just rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Good idea Tilly. Don't listen to Daddy. He's being silly."

"Silly Daddy." She replied returning her attention to her toys.

Always the entertainer Lana had offered to host an Australia Day Party at her place. She missed having parties and it would be a good chance to continue to get to know Adam's friends. They had all jumped at the chance, as well as some of her colleagues from work. It had grown a little bigger than she first intended and now she was feeling the pressure.

"What is she wearing?" Adam looked at Matilda as he came back in. Somewhere along the line she got changed. "What are you doing to my child?"

"What? She looks cute." Lana was standing with her hands on her hips. "Don't you think she looks cute?"

"She is wearing a Football Jersey and it's not the Bears."

"Firstly she is wearing a footy jumper not a jersey so deal with it. I told you this was an Australia Day Party and she dressed the part."

"Where did you get that?"

"I ordered it online." She turned and walked back into the kitchen and Adam just looked at Matilda and shrugged, her online shopping was a little out of control. "How's the barbie?"

"The grill is clean and my nuts are frozen." He followed her into the kitchen and she squealed as he put his cold hands under her top. "Happy?"

Grabbing his hands and pulling them out from under her top she laughed. "Well I tell you what, later I will warm them up for you."

"You are on Baby."

It didn't take long for her place to fill up. By the time Intelligence arrived, a few guys from the Firehouse the volume had increased to almost unbearable. It really was a big frat house. She had also invited Amanda and Peter, a couple of people from work and a few girls from her hockey team. They were really the first friends she had made when she arrived. Whenever she moved places she would always join a hockey club, it was the best way to meet people.

"So, this place is teeming with some very hot men." Jenny handed her a bottle of champagne and some flowers.

"It is, isn't it?"

"Please tell me they are all not taken?"

"A few single ones remain." She looked around the room and pointed out Otis and Cruz, who she knew were desperately keen not to be so single, according to Adam anyway. Kelly Severide, now that was a question mark. Who actually knew what he had going on. At the moment though he was preoccupied with Matilda. "Kelly is single-ish I think, he's the one holding the little girl."

"Oh baggage." Jenny sucked a breath in through her clenched teeth and shook her head, indicating that was not her preferred option.

"Matilda is not his."

"Well hello then." Lana followed Jenny's eyes as they settled on Adam. "Oh, he's cute too."

"Baggage, Matilda is his." She shrugged.

"Damn. Oh well there are plenty more fish in the pond." She waved her hand around the room and took the glass of champagne that Lana offered her. "So surely one of these is yours?"

"Yep, the one with the baggage."

"Really?"

Lana nodded. "Yep."

Jay appeared by her side. "So that footy jumper Matilda is wearing?" Obviously by the way Jay emphasised his words Adam had ratted her out for telling him off earlier. "That's the team you root for?"

"I do not root for that team." By the twinkle in his eye she knew that he was teasing her. "Rooting for your team means something completely different. You barrack for a team, you do not root for them."

"Oh okay." How much Adam had told him she had no idea and knowing him he probably just told him to mention rooting to get a rise out of her.

"Rooting implies that you are having sex with them. We root people, we barrack for our teams."

"So let me get this straight, you know so I don't muck it up, you are rooting Ruzek?"

Jay smirked as a blush crept up her cheeks. "Technically speaking, yes."

"Good to know."

Jay wandered off and grabbed another beer and one for Ruzek who he could see standing outside at the grill. "What the fuck are you doing out here? It's 25. Why are you grilling hotdogs in 25 degree weather?"

"I am cooking the snags on the barbie." He mocked in his pathetic accent.

Jay threw his head back and laughed. "You are so whipped my friend. She's making you speak in tongues."

"Don't I know it but it gets worse. Once these bad boys are done you get to slap it in a piece of bread and put tomato sauce on it, otherwise known at ketchup."

"No way. I am not putting that anywhere near my hotdog."

"It's not a hotdog it's a sausage and you will do it because if I have to so do you." He waved the tongs at his buddy.

"I don't have to do anything. You however do if you want a 'root' apparently."

"So you asked her about the football jersey?"

"You set me up."

"I am constantly in a state of confusion. I think the chicken wings are covered with vegemite, which I might add is absolutely the worst thing you have ever tasted." He pretended to gag. "Although don't think the Tim Tam Slam she's got lined up later is for the weak of heart." Adam turned the sausages over and took a mouthful of beer as he stamped his feet trying to stay warm. "I actually never thought I would struggle to understand another human speaking English."

"Lucky she's pretty cute then hey?"

"Yep. And I tell you what I will even let you look at her and Matilda in thongs." He laughed at the look on Halstead's face. "Because you will be looking at their feet, in flip flops." He put the sausages on the plate before they headed back inside.

"You know what Buddy." Halstead stopped him before they went in. "I think this is great, for you and Matilda."

"Thanks man."


	29. The Extras Pt 3

**So Platt finds out that Adam has been dating….what could possibly go wrong…right?**

"You." His foot had barely hit the top step when Platt was barking at him. It didn't take a genius to figure out what this was all about. She knew. And she was pissed. "Get here." Some poor hapless Patrol Officer slid out of the way, relieved to get away as Ruzek approached her desk. Silently he was hoping that his phone would go off or someone would come flying down the stairs to tell them they had a job but neither happened. One, he realised as he reached for his back pocket he didn't have his phone and two, he just wasn't that lucky.

"My idiot of a husband comes home from a shift the other day and you know what he was talking about?"

"How cold it is?"

"I so want to smack you right now." Platt barked, "No, he was talking about your little bombshell."

"Well Matilda is pretty cute." She may have terrorised him for years but he gave as good as he got. It was a mutual love/hate thing they had going on. Platt, god love that woman had just picked up where she left off after Kim died and he appreciated that. The sarcasm and wit never faltered, despite the fact he knew she adored Matilda and had a heart of gold where she was concerned. Being Aunt Trudy was definitely something she treasured.

"Now I don't want to smack you but I do want to shoot you."

"So Mouch told you about Lana."

"Yes. What's wrong with her? Are you her beard or something?" Was she ever going to forgive him for that slip of the tongue? It was so long ago but Platt never let an opportunity to remind him of that pass her by.

"I hope not, otherwise things have gotten a little weird."

"Why did I find out about this from firehouse gossip?"

"We kept it quiet until I knew it was a little more than a casual fling because of Matilda." He lowered his voice a little to stop the resident gossip train kicking into full swing. "And I wanted Ellen to know first, you know because of Kim."

Platt grabbed a stack of papers that she had been leaning on and shuffled them a little. It was a sign that she was fighting off some emotion. "Good Boy." Suddenly she nodded her head in the direction of the stairs. "Now go."

He took off up stairs without a backward glance. Had he looked back though he might have just caught a slight smile from Platt. It was about bloody time he got his shit together.

Before he got the chance to even turn on his computer to send Lana an email to see if she had his phone they got called out and minutes later they were back out the door, so much for easing back into work after a few days off. Matilda had actually cried this morning when she saw him dressed and clipping on his badge. "No Daddy, stay." Dropping to the floor as he tried to explain that he had to go to work and when he dropped her off at his father's they virtually had to peel her off him. It broke his heart, she had obviously loved having him home for a while and he had enjoyed spending a good few days with her.

"Can I help you?" Platt greeted the nervous looking woman who had just appeared in the foyer. With some hesitation she approached the desk. Adam had been adamant that she didn't need to meet her just yet and she had certainly heard plenty of stories about her from the rest of his friends. Admittedly she was intrigued but now, suddenly she felt nervous.

"G'day." And when she was nervous she tended to slip back into her old habits; her native tongue. "How ya goin?" She suddenly became very Australian.

"I'm _going_ fine. Can I help you?" Platt repeated, hooking one finger under the arm of her glasses and slipping them off and looking completely unwelcoming.

"I hope so, sorry. I am just dropping this off for Adam Ruzek." All the words came out in a rush as she held up his phone. Platt was frowning at her which just made her ramble even more. "He left it at home this morning. Is he here? Or can I leave it with you? I know he feels like his arm has been cut off if he doesn't have it. I thought he'd need it for work. Anyway can I leave it here?" _Let the woman answer for the love of god_. Why did she make her so nervous? When she had met everyone else she had been nervous but not to the point of feeling like she wanted to vomit, and this was her thing, this was Human Relations 101. Perhaps she shouldn't have listened to all the stories Adam and the rest of them had told her.

"Oh my god. You're her aren't you?" Platt leant across the desk.

"Who? Oh yes, I guess I am. I'm Lana."

"Oh right. Hey Delaney take over the desk for a bit. I'm going to get a coffee." She shot around the front of the desk before Lana had a chance to move and grabbed her by the elbow. "Let's go. We need to chat."

"Right." Well this wasn't going well. Adam had warned her.

"So, Adam Ruzek huh?" They found an empty table in the corner of the lunchroom. Well to tell the truth there were a couple of officers sitting at the table but Platt looked at them and they scattered. She was impressive and all sorts of scary.

"Yes."

"Not very chatty? Care to expand?" She leant in closer and whispered. "You not the hot nanny are you? He hasn't gone that cliché?"

"Um no."

A slight smile twitched at the corner of Platt's mouth. "He's told you to avoid me right?"

"Not at all." Finally gathering her wits she lied smoothly. "He does say that you hang shit on him constantly, but I think he likes it."

"He showed up all cocky and full of himself. I needed to bring him down a peg or two."

"Still does at times."

"So, that accent?"

"Australian. I've been in the States for not quite two years. First Washington and for the past eight months in Chicago." By now she figured that providing simple answers were not going to cut it. This perhaps wasn't the person to be messing with. She needed to park her dry sense of humour and sarcasm at the door.

"That means I will need to use my contacts over at Interpol." She muttered to herself and Lana was doing her best not to completely freak out. "And you work where?"

"For Boeing in Human Resources. I look after Government and Community Relations."

"So you are smart, doesn't explain why you are throwing all your eggs in the Ruzek basket then? You sure you really aren't the hot nanny?"

"No, I met Adam through Amanda, Kim's sister. It took a while though; he wasn't ready to meet anyone I don't think. A couple of months later we met again and slowly went from there." One thing she did like doing was talking about how she met Adam. She'd held those cards close to her chest for too long.

"Family?" Lana was kind of surprised she wasn't taking notes.

"My parents have just been here for the Christmas Holidays. My dad works in Finance and my mum is a Legal Secretary. I have a brother and he's a sparky." Platt looked at her sharply. "An Electrician, he has a couple of kids."

"So you've been around kids?"

"A little. He's lived in Melbourne for the last couple of years and I lived in Sydney so we didn't get to see him often. His boys are six and four."

"So you are from Australia, lived in Washington and now in Chicago. Running away from something?"

Platt was not holding back that's for sure. Lana doubted that anyone who fell on her bad side rarely got the opportunity to jump back over that fence. "No. Only your usual failed short-term romances and the odd broken heart on my part. I feel much more settled in Chicago though."

"Ruzek doesn't need his heart broken again."

"Neither do I."

"Well now I never thought he had it in him." Platt looked thoughtful for a moment, picking at the chip in the cheap Formica tabletop. "To forgive her. She treated him pretty badly. She actually wanted to transfer out because working with him would have been too hard. He just sucked it up and turned up everyday and did his job."

"Adam doesn't talk much about it."

"Then when Kim was pregnant I thought holy crap, Ruzek as a father. Not what this world needs." Shaking her head she laughed at the memory. "Who would have thought? Huh, he's been the best Dad to that girl. She's one lucky munchkin."

"Everyone keeps reminding me how amazing he is. I am starting to feel the pressure, that I may not live up to people's expectations."

"Amazing?" Platt snorted. "Oh, he's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. He's emotionally stunted, annoying and impulsive. He dresses like a hobo some days and is a smart arse." Platt almost smiled. "You are probably too good for him."

Platt stood up abruptly and just as quickly as the interrogation started it ended. Lana suspected that this conversation was starting to get into territory that was unfamiliar for Platt. It wasn't hard to see that she really cared about people, including Adam but there was no way she would ever admit it. "Well it's been nice to meet you. This should completely freak him out, please let me tell him."

"Oh be my guest." Lana grabbed her arm lightly and laughed. "Take photos if you can."

"Ruzek." Platt suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs. "I believe this is yours. Let's just remember I am not your personal assistant." She dropped the phone on the desk and the look of abject horror on his face was priceless.

"How?"

"Use complete sentences." Turning on her heel she disappeared back down the stairs.

It was then that he looked at his phone and noticed that the home screen photo had been changed. "What the hell?"

"What's up Bro?" Atwater leant back in his chair, barely glancing over his shoulder at his buddy. It was hardly an unusual occurrence for him to be cursing or muttering under his breath. Most of the time they ignored him.

"This." He held up the phone so that Kev could see the new photo. It was a selfie of Platt and Lana. His worst nightmare had come true, god knows what Platt had told her or subjected her to.

"I thought she was out of town for a few more days?"

"She came back early."

"Why?"

"It doesn't matter why she came back." His voice had gone up and octave or two which made Atwater chuckle. "She's been in here and met Platt." He couldn't believe that he was standing here having a conversation with Atwater when he should be talking to Platt. That conversation he knew was not going to go well. She was going to wring every inch of fun out of it but he flew down the stairs anyway.

She was on the phone when he almost jumped across the desk and she held up one hand to stop him. "I can send over a photo. Hang on a second." She told whomever she was talking to. "What is it Ruzek? Can't you see I am busy? Interpol does not appreciate being told to wait."

"Interpol, why?"

"Still can't form actual sentences? I have no idea what she sees in you." Platt waved her hand. "Go Away. I'm busy." He gaped at her for a moment. "For the love of god, close your mouth you look like a half wit."

Adam slammed his mouth shut. "By the way, I am so looking forward to dinner tomorrow night." She dismissed him with a flick of her wrist and he scurried back upstairs. He had a phone call to make.


	30. The Extras Pt 4

**Follows on from when Adam returned from Undercover (just before the blow out with Roman). The First part is the morning after conversation between Adam & Lana & the second part is when Adam picked up Matilda.**

"Will I see you later?" Lana came out of the bathroom half dressed and she was expecting him to be already asleep so was surprised when he spoke.

"Maybe."

"What do you mean maybe?" Pushing himself up on one elbow he watched her button up her shirt. He had missed her, he wanted her to call in sick and had been surprised when she told him in no uncertain terms that there was no way that was happening and she seemed pissed off that he even asked.

"I am sure you want to spend time with Tilly and I have a late meeting so I might just stay here tonight." While she was ecstatic that he was back and safe it hadn't been easy on her.

"How late?"

"What? The meeting? I don't know it's a teleconference at five. It may take an hour or three."

"I don't care what time it finishes. I missed you and I want to see you."

"You just want a root."

"Fine." He flopped back down on the pillow. "Sure, whatever Babe. I get it, you are pissed with me because I went away for my job."

"Adam." She sighed. "I'm sorry. It wasn't easy."

"And you think it was easy for me? You think I liked being away from Matilda? You think I like being away from you? I missed you like crazy."

She came and sat on the edge of the bed and ran her hands through his hair. "I missed you like crazy too. It scared me."

"I know." He opened his eyes slowly. "Please come over tonight?" he begged.

"I will call you later and let you know what time the meeting finishes."

"And I do want a root." He added cheekily as she leant in to give him a kiss. He could feel her smile against his lips.

"So do I."

Janet was starting to worry. Matilda had been a handful ever since Lana had bought her back. She didn't think it was such a great idea for her to take her for the weekend. Not because she didn't like her son's girlfriend or trust her with granddaughter but she worried that it would upset her too much.

And it did. When Lana dropped her off she had clung to her for dear life. Adam had asked her to take Matilda for the weekend so she could hardly say no. Since she had been back her behaviour had been a little erratic.

You couldn't blame her though. This didn't make sense to a twenty two month old. Suddenly her Daddy was gone, he was the centre of her world and at the start she didn't really notice but as time went on Janet noticed her changing and the weekend at home had upset her even more. Lana had told her that she spent the time looking for Adam. Despite their rocky start Janet had come to firstly accept Lana and then she really started to like her. She called everyday while Adam was away to check up on Tilly and bought dinner over a couple of times. Matilda wasn't the only one that was missing Adam.

Janet heard the truck pull up outside. She stole a quick look at Matilda who was sitting up on the couch cuddling her donkey and watching TV. Adam would probably hate that but it was one of the only things that kept her happy right now.

"Tilly." Janet called out. "Come and look." She led her over to the window as Adam made his way up the path.

"Daddy." She screamed and promptly burst into tears and ran to the door. Adam spied her and basically ran the last few steps as his mother opened the door and Matilda flew out and into her Dad's arms as he knelt down to greet her.

"Hey Tilly. Daddy missed you." He smothered her with kisses as she sobbed and clung to him like her life depended on it. "Don't cry Baby."

"How's she been? Lana said she was upset."

"You've seen Lana? When did you get back?" Janet was surprised that Matilda wasn't his first priority.

"Don't start Mom. I got back about 4am, I grabbed a couple of hours sleep because I'd been up for 48 hours." He was tired, upset and he had missed Matilda like nothing else. He didn't need a lecture from his mother about this. "Thanks for looking after her. I appreciate it." It wasn't like it was late either; it was barely 10am. He'd had another hour or so of sleep once Lana had left for work and could really have done with a few more but he wanted to see Matilda.

"Well she wasn't too bad last week but the weekend upset her badly." Adam looked at her sharply. "I'm not sure it was the best idea."

"I wanted her to be a home for a little bit, around her things. I didn't know it would upset her so much." He snapped. Matilda was still clinging to his neck although the tears had stopped.

Janet sighed. She really didn't want to fight with him but she was a little annoyed that he had chosen to see his girlfriend before his daughter. That was taking her a little time to get used to. "I know you didn't. I think it upset Lana also."

"It did. It was hard for her too. I didn't think I would be gone so long. It was only supposed to be a couple of days." Adam was rubbing circles on Matilda's back and she still had her head tucked up under his chin. Eventually she started to talk to him again. Apart from calling out his name when she first saw him she hadn't said a word.

"Hey Tilly. Did you have fun with Nanna?"

"Yes." She lifted her head off his shoulder. "Home Daddy?"

"Yes, we are going home. Daddy is home now." He loved the smile that spread across her face. "I'll just finish my coffee okay? How about you go get your bag?"

"No, stay here." She tightened her grip on his neck. There was no way he was going anywhere today without his newly acquired shadow and he couldn't blame her.

 ** _This little piece was Adam asking for Erin's help when he needed to go and talk to Lana after she left._**

Erin." Adam followed Erin into gear room as they where stripping off from their latest job. "Can I ask a favour?"

"Sure."

"I know you like to hit up Molly's on a Friday."

"Just spit it out Ruzek."

"Can you take Matilda tonight?" He was hopping from foot to foot nervously. Erin had noticed, hell they all had, how on edge he had been this week. Every time someone asked him he shut them down. He really wanted to get it straight in his own head before he talked to anyone and the only person he wanted to talk to was Lana. He didn't want people sticking their noses in, reminding him what happened last time he was in this situation and basically reminding him of Kim. He knew very well what the similarities were and he was trying not to repeat previous mistakes. "Can she stay over?" Even if things didn't fall in his favour he wanted time to deal with it.

"Sure. Why?"

"Lana, she left." Dropping his head into his hands he sighed. "I need to go and fight for her. I need to talk to her."

"What do you mean she left? When?"

"Last weekend, after Roman showed up. We had a fight and she is freaked out by my job and I tried to hide her from the worst of it but she called me on my bullshit. She told me that she loved me and then left."

"Oh Adam." Erin wrapped her arms around him. "Do you love her?"

"Of course I do."

"Have you told her that?"

"No. Not yet." Adam straightened himself up. "But I will."

"Don't make the same mistake…."

"I'm not." He snapped. This was exactly why he hadn't told anyone. "I've been in contact with her all week and that's why I am going to see her tonight. I am not giving up without a fight. I've given her a week to think about it, like she asked me to and I had to respect that. I owed her that much, I couldn't ignore her request for some space but that doesn't mean I am willing just to sit back and wait."

"I know you won't. We'll keep Matilda for as long as you want. Do you want me to talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you or anyone else to talk to her. I want to talk to her, I am in love with her, Matilda loves her and we are going to work this out." He pinched the bridge of his nose. He had tried to think of a million different ways to organise this. Val was away at the moment so he couldn't use her and he would get grief from Amanda, his mother who had certainly changed her tune on Lana and his father was working. Platt would have lectured him and possibly slapped him silly so he bit the bullet and asked Erin. "Can you please keep this to yourself?" Holding up his hand when he could see that she was about to speak. "Other than Halstead of course."

 **This is Matilda, well, just being inquisitive, which completely freaks Adam out.**

Adam was constantly horrified at how quickly a conversation with Matilda could go sideways, like really uncomfortably sideways.

Tonight was on of them. He had hoped to get ten minutes to have a shower when he got home but she had supersonic hearing so as soon as the water was turned on Matilda was in the bathroom and had her clothes off in record time. Adam had barely got himself wet when he had company.

"Tilly what are you doing?" Seriously he doubted he was ever going to get used to her exploring herself. It was weird, no matter how often that he read that it was completely normal for her to be interested in her body.

"I looking."

"For what?" _Stupid question Adam, very stupid question._

"That." She pointed at her father.

"Baby, you don't have a penis." He shook his head and almost gagged on the word. It felt bizarre talking to her about this stuff. Up until very recently he couldn't remember the last time he had actually used the word penis in a conversation. He had plenty of names for it; penis wasn't one of them. Seriously, he was not going to survive puberty. "You are a girl, you don't have one."

"I want one."

"Only boys have a penis. You are a girl."

"No Daddy, I want one." He was stunned by her sudden outburst as she dropped down onto the floor of the shower, obviously distraught. "I want one too."

That was how he found himself sitting on the floor of their shower trying to explain to a very emotional two-year-old why she couldn't have a penis. "Daddy loves that you are a girl and you are so special because you are a girl. Daddy loves the girls. Bear is a girl and we love Bear too."

"No penis?"

He shook his head. "No, no penis for Bear." That seemed to satisfy her for now. He was disturbed however; this wasn't supposed to happen yet.

"Has she been crying?" Lana was surprised to see her tear stained face when they came out of the bathroom.

"Yes," he nodded sadly. "Yes she has." He had a slightly bemused look on his face, still completely at a loss to explain what just happened. "I will tell you later." The last thing he wanted to do was get back into it while Matilda was still in earshot. One conversation about Penis's a day was all he could handle.

Adam glanced sideways at Lana when she laughed at his description of the shower incident. "So Tilly is upset because she wants a penis."

"Seriously, what?"

"She wants a penis, she had her fingers jammed in her girly bits again and told me she was looking for something. I was stupid enough to ask and suddenly.." he waved his hands in the direction of the floor "..she is sobbing on the floor because I told her she couldn't have penis." Laughing was not helping, or appreciated. "She is not allowed to want a penis for another thirty years. Any ideas?"

"About what?"

"Do you think she wants to be a boy? Gender confusion or something?"

"No Adam I do not think she wants to be a boy. She's just learning about her body. How old are you and you still like constantly fiddling with yourself?"

Again she laughed when he frowned at her "Let's just focus shall we? What do I do?"

Lana looked at him like he was mad. Like she had any idea? She was still two steps behind him in regards to raising children and there was always that unspoken matter that she wasn't Matilda's mother and was sometimes still unsure if Adam wanted her opinion. She still wasn't confident enough to disagree with anything he decided, whether she liked it or not. "You're asking me?"

"You are smarter than me and you are a girl. You've got all the same bits as her."

"Glad you noticed." She flicked his ear playfully. "How should I know? Why don't you talk to Nat?"

"See you are smarter than me, I wouldn't have thought of that." He pulled her in for a kiss. "Good idea. I will give her a call." He reached for his phone, which sadly was never that far from his reach.

"I didn't mean right now." Grabbing his wrist. "It can wait until tomorrow. I am sure it's completely normal for her to wonder about these things."

"I told her that you didn't have one either."

"Well thanks for that."

"While I don't want my two year old to be interested in my dick, I really do like that you are." Grabbing her around the waist he tried to pull her into his lap despite her best attempts to stop him.

"Sometimes." Resistance was futile though. She really did like it, a lot.

He just about leapt out of his seat when someone needed to go to Chicago Med to talk to a victim that had just been bought in. Will Halstead had called and wanted someone to cast an eye over the woman as a few things were not adding up with her injuries. "Why you so keen?" Atwater could barely keep up as he jogged down the stairs.

"Huh?" He barely heard him.

"Why you so keen?"

"I want to try and catch Natalie, I need to ask her something."

"About what?" Atwater was suddenly worried. Why would Ruzek need to talk to a Paediatrician? "Is my little Homie okay?"

"She's all good Bro. She is just worried about why she doesn't have a dick, she wants one."

Atwater stopped dead in his tracks and held put his hand on Ruzek's chest to stop him walking past him. "Whoa. Whoa, back the truck up."

"What are you worried about? It's not you that has to deal with it. Although if you think you can do better you are more than welcome."

It wasn't until after they had finished their work stuff that he caught Nat who informed him that it was completely normal what Matilda was doing, that it was good that she was asking questions and exploring her body was not a bad thing. She encouraged him to just use the proper words, explain things simply and only enough to satisfy her curiosity. "It's good to start telling her that it's her body and people shouldn't touch her down there, that's for her only. She won't quite understand it yet but the earlier you start the better. Start telling her that there are no secret games either."

This conversation was hardly making him feel any better. "What about showering with me and some days we just let it all hang out?" He had long ago gotten over his discomfort of Matilda sitting up on his bed watching him get dressed or undressed. When there was no one else to watch her he just had to suck it up and do what he had to do.

"There is no need to stop that, it's good to show her that the human body is nothing to be ashamed of but you can tell her that she can't touch you either." Natalie had to laugh at Adam's mortified look. "Can I ask? Has she ever seen a female body?"

"No, I don't think so." He knew that she probably hadn't. His mother would never let her shower with her, she constantly nagged Adam that he shouldn't allow it either and Amanda had never mentioned it. Zoe was a teenager and there was no way she was going to let anyone see her without clothes on.

"Maybe she should. If she's only seen you naked she sees that you are different to her and that's confusing because she has nothing to compare it to and that makes her feel like she is missing something."

"Never thought of that. So is there a book or something I can get?"

"Adam, Don't you have a girlfriend? It's going okay with Lana isn't it? I mean if she is around Matilda a lot why not? It is completely normal and just make it a normal part of her life, like you already do with you. Try not to worry, just be honest with her and keep it short."

So, that was now a conversation he had to have with Lana.

"How would you feel if Tilly came into the shower with you?" Adam leant on the bench and drummed his fingers on the counter while Lana was waiting for her computer to fire up. "I talked to Nat."

"What did she say?"

"That Tilly is normal and just learning about herself but she hasn't been exposed to a female body. She's only really ever seen me and because I look different to her she might be confused."

"Is it weird?"

"What? Having a two year old staring at you while you are buck naked?" He was surprised she looked a little nervous. "We've been doing it since the start, I would have a bath with her when she was tiny and then when she was a little bigger we would always shower together. It was easier that way so I guess I am used to it. You kind of lose all your inhibitions once you have kids. Once she could sit up she would sit in the bottom of the shower and just play. I find it more disturbing having her watch me take a piss." Of course Lana had seen them both in the shower together and Matilda paid no attention to Adam, generally she would just chat away to him or play.

"What do I say if she asks me questions?"

"Tell her the truth. I guess. And yes that is weird; I never thought I would ever talk about my dick with my daughter. Vagina is not a word that rolls off my tongue naturally, although…." She quickly held up her hand.

"Stop right there." She was far from being a prude but at times she had to rein him in a little.

It was cute how nervous she was. He didn't think it would be a big deal but perhaps it was, as a parent it isn't really a conscious decision, it just happens. For them it was a whole new level of intimacy. "We could all shower together?"

Raising her eyebrows at him she quashed that idea quickly. "Hmmm, that I can see going way off course. You do realise that you have yet been able to control yourself every time I jump in? When was the last time we didn't have sex in the shower or at very least you get way too excited?"

"I am sure I can control myself."

"Really?" Again the raised eyebrows! "And what if you can't? Who's explaining that to Tilly?"

Adam raised his hand in defeat and nodded. "Good point."

Sensing her reticence Adam crouched down beside Lana and grabbed her hands. "I get this is a big thing for you and perhaps you are not ready to become such a big part of Matilda's life. It's a little out of the blue but I really want Matilda to be confident about herself growing up. I don't want her to be confused or worried that she is different. You've got a beautiful body and an even more beautiful soul. I couldn't think of a better person to teach her about being a girl than you."

"You are sweet and you know I would do anything for Matilda. How could I say no?"

"As long as she doesn't know how much my penis likes spending time in your vagina." They both cringed at how terrible that sounded.

"Please, never say that again."

"Tilly." Adam called out for her. "Come and have a shower." Her clothes were half way off by the time she got to the bathroom and she did not even bat an eyelid as she jumped into the shower with Lana. They had decided just to rip off the band aid and see what happened. Adam offered to stay in the bathroom in case things went pear shaped.

Nothing happened. Matilda paid no attention and just chatted away to both Lana and Adam without a care in the world. "So, we were freaking out over nothing?"

 ** _Let's see if Adam learned his lesson about living together. The 'Duck' portion of this story was taken from an actual conversation I had with my goddaughter._**

He could hear Matilda through the door, with her finely tuned hearing she knew the moment the roller door on the garage rumbled into life that it meant her Daddy was home. How could you not be happy the instant you opened the door and see that someone was so excited to see you? Rarely did Adam get through the door without having to pick up his daughter from around his legs and she had discovered the joy of the extreme hug. Her little arms were around his neck, squeezing as hard as they could. "Daddy, busy day?" She was such a parrot lately, his mother always asked him if he had a busy day when he picked Matilda up and she had taken to asking him too.

"Hey, hey Sweetheart. Yes it was a busy day." He may have loved the hug but it wasn't long before she was wiggling her way free. She had somewhere to be.

Spying the familiar blond head on the couch he made his way over and leant down and kissed her cheek. "What you watching?" Matilda had climbed back up beside Lana and was comfortably tucked into her side again.

"Babe."

"Okay, What you watching Babe?" He chuckled.

"No silly, Daddy's silly." She nudged Matilda. "We are watching Babe."

"Daddy, a pig says La La La." Matilda happily informed him.

"Are you sure?" He checked his gun into the safe and dropped down beside both of his girls, looping an arm around the back of the couch and rubbing the back of Lana's neck. "Thanks for coming over."

"Ah, it was just an excuse to watch Babe with my Babe."

"I thought it might have been because you couldn't resist my extensive charms."

"Duck, Duck." Matilda clapped her hands happily when a duck appeared on screen as she sat between them. They could both see that this was about to become her favourite movie and that meant they would be spending a lot of time watching it. Right now he was enjoying it but after the hundredth time it was probably going to start wearing a bit thin.

"What's his name?"

Looking thoughtful for a moment neither of them were prepared for what came out of her mouth. "Fuck the Duck."

"I think his name is Ferdinand." Lana was quicker to recover than her father. "Let's call him that."

"No, Fuck the Duck, Fuck the Duck." She said it with such honesty and innocence that you couldn't get upset with her.

"Matilda, Let's call him by his name, Ferdinand shall we?" Adam agreed.

Adam stared at Lana over the top of Matilda's head. "What was that?" he mouthed silently. She shrugged and they both had to turn away so not to laugh.

"Oh look, it's Ferdinand." Adam rushed out, a little too enthusiastically the next time the duck came on the screen. He had been warned about his language but Matilda hadn't seemed to pick it up until now, at least they weren't in a crowded place when she dropped that pearl of wisdom.

Gradually Matilda worked her way off the couch and knelt at the table, her chin resting in her hands with her elbows on the table and eyes firmly fixed on the TV, she was thoroughly engrossed in the movie so Adam instantly scooted over closer to Lana. "So was Val okay?"

"She was, her Aunt was taken to hospital. Broken hip I think."

"I'll give her a call in a minute. Thanks for taking over. I tried to get home earlier but we had just pulled the guy in."

"I didn't mind. You know I love our girl time."

"I love my girl time too." He leant in for a kiss, soft and sweet but full of promise, but as they had learnt quite often promises were all they had. Dating with a small child was a steep learning curve, privacy and intimacy were relegated to stolen moments and late at night when they were both tired. He thought things would get easier the older she got but it was the complete opposite, now she had an opinion.

"No kissing Daddy." Matilda was suddenly standing between them. "Bear, we watch the Pig."

"Yes we do." She pushed Adam away and helped Matilda back up into her lap. "Maybe Daddy should go and make us dinner. It's his turn."

"What if I want to watch the pig too?"

Matilda turned to him and held one finger up to her mouth. "Then Shhhh." Which made them both laugh. The movie was great, but Adam found himself watching them more than the TV. He still didn't quite understand how he had been lucky enough not only to find her but also to hang onto her. It hadn't been smooth sailing and she had the patience of a saint because he had never been easy. He had demons, doubts and insecurities but she never let them get so out of control that there was no way back. At the right time she would pull on the reins and make him stop and reset.

On the flip side Adam had made her relax and live in the moment. They couldn't always plan things in advance and neither could they go out and just go with the flow and for someone who liked to know what was happening and keep things in order and organised it was a huge challenge.

But he loved her, that much he knew and in the six months since they decided to give this thing a real go, since the blow out after the day in the park his good days far outweighed his bad.

Matilda was leaning into Lana, who had one arm wrapped around her little body and every time something happened she would gasp and look up at her to see her reaction and each time the excitement on Matilda's face was matched by Lana's. It was cute and heart warming and suddenly overwhelming.

"Move in with us." Adam blurted out.

"What?"

"I want you to live with us. I want us to be a family."

"Adam, this is not the time. Can we talk about it later?" It had come out of the blue, not once had they even hinted at living together. It was a huge decision, because it wasn't just about two people in a relationship taking the next step. He had said it; he wanted them to be a family.

That required a far bigger conversation than a random question thrown out while watching a movie and truth be told she was a little annoyed with him. It wasn't unusual that he would make decisions on the spot with little consultation or discussion. It involved a child and they both needed to work out what that meant and what they were comfortable with. It also meant the future and she had her own dreams.

"Adam." Matilda wandered into the kitchen as he was getting dinner ready. Fortunately he was just charged with reheating last night's lasagne. One thing had changed, for the better was his diet. Some of the stuff he ate now he would never in a million years been capable of making. Roast pumpkin, spinach & Goat's cheese lasagne was not something he could manage with his limited culinary skills. "I hungry."

"I know Baby, and please don't call me Adam. It's Daddy." What was it with her and names today? He was still getting over the duck incident.

"Bear says Adam."

"That's because I am not Bear's Daddy. I'm her lover." He patted Matilda's head and smiled when he heard Lana gasp from the kitchen table where she was answering some emails. She had left work early to take care of Matilda and she had to bring some work home with her, not that it was unusual for her to work at home but she always tried to not work on a Friday night. The hours she put in Monday to Thursday were enough and if Adam wasn't working on the weekends neither was she if she could possibly help it. Their time together was limited as it was.

"Adam don't tell her that."

Matilda looked a little concerned. "You love me too?"

"To the moon and back Baby." Adam kissed his finger and touched it to the tip of her nose. "Do you love me?"

"Yes Adam."

He sighed. "What about Bear?"

"Yes." Matilda huffed with her hands across her chest, obviously annoyed with his questions and lack of progress on her dinner. He wasn't quite sure where the attitude was coming from; it was way to early for this shit.

It wasn't until Matilda was in bed, having easily conned an extra book out of her father because he knew Lana was annoyed with him. At least reading another book would delay the inevitable. He was man enough to admit he was hiding from her.

"So, that question was out of the blue." His butt cheeks had barely hit the couch. "Not the best timing Adam?"

"Sorry. I was just watching you and Matilda together and it hit me. I want you here all the time. I want to come home to you and Matilda everyday."

"I get that, and I love being here." She scooted a little closer and rubbed the back of his neck tenderly. "But Adam we haven't really talked about it."

"What's there to talk about? I want you here, you like being here. You love me and Matilda."

"I do, but Baby this isn't just us moving in together. It's a big deal for Matilda too?"

"Well she is hardly going to have a rational opinion on it. Although I can ask her if you want?"

"Okay, smart arse." She tugged lightly at the hair at the back of his neck. "I want to tell you something, seriously." She waited until she had Adam's full attention. "Moving in with you would be perfect but I don't want to move in unless I have some hope of a future."

"What does that mean? Do you think I am not in this long term? I wouldn't ask you to live with us, to make our family whole if I didn't see a future with you."

"I know, but Adam I want a child of my own." Her eyes never left his face, nervously watching to see if he was going to baulk. "Not now, but one day. I love Matilda, I adore her and would do anything for her and for you but one day I want someone to call me Mom."

"One day, I want that too." He flicked away a tear from her cheek. "I want you in my life, I want you as part of my family, I want you in Matilda's life everyday." Slowly he closed the distance between them stopping agonisingly close to her lips. "I love you Bear, please move in with us."

"Yes." She managed to squeeze out before he kissed her.


	31. The Extras Pt 5

**Erin and Jay get married…..of course Matilda excels as a flowergirl…maybe…**

If anyone was going to get away with upstaging a bride on her wedding day it was Matilda Ruzek.

He frowned at Erin. "You do know she can't walk in a straight line and has the concentration span of a half eaten peanut?"

"So she is a smaller and cuter version of you?"

"Basically yes." He couldn't deny it. Matilda looked like her mother and had her father's personality. They all turned their attention to over where Tilly was currently trying to get her doll into its pram. Hopefully her mothering skills improved with age because the words child abuse sprung to mind. Her doll potentially now would have two broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a fractured skull.

"Just so you know she did not learn that from me." He commented when they all looked rather concerned with her rough treatment of the poor doll. Once she had successfully achieved her aim he was relieved to see her tuck a small blanket over it and kiss it on the head. "Shh baby." She cooed. "Shh Fred."

"Fred?" Lindsay raised an eyebrow at Ruzek.

Lifting one hand and pointing in their direction he nodded and added ruefully. "Yes, that is Fred." At least he knew that one's name, heaven forbid he got it wrong and that was only because she told him in the car on the way over. How she kept all their names straight he had no idea, but Fred was this week's star attraction. "Shane is at home, with lucky Phil, Shazza and my personal favourite, Vanessa the undresser." He added. The names she had chosen for her dolls were, quite frankly horrible and for that he blamed Lana.

"So you don't mind?" Lindsay returned to their previous conversation.

"Of course not. Why would I? If you really want Tilly to be your flower girl who am I to say no. I just didn't pick you as a flouncy wedding type."

"I'm not. It's going to be small but how could I not have the cutest girl in the world with me. I love her Adam, like she was my own."

"Well, we all know that." From the day she was born, that devastating night, Erin had been fiercely protective of Matilda. She had made sure Matilda was loved and adored when Adam couldn't even see two foot in front of him.

"Oh dear, 'Rin. Fred is crying." Matilda appeared with her doll in her hands and the look of concern on her face was adorable. "Poor Fred."

"Why is he crying?"

"Don't know." Adam had to laugh. He had asked Matilda that very same question a few days ago. They were in the car on the way home from Amanda's and Matilda suddenly started crying. "What's wrong Til?" he peered at her in the rear view mirror.

She sighed before answering, "I don't know Daddy."

"Well that's not helpful Til."

"I'm sad."

"Why are you sad?"

"Don't know." It was amusing, particularly with the accompanying dramatic sighing. He tried explaining that if she didn't tell him what was wrong he couldn't help her but that was a bridge to far for her to understand. He really thought they were well past this stage. There had certainly been too many occasions to count when he had no idea why she was crying but that was before she could talk and he really did think those days were behind them, seemingly not.

Lindsay looked at Ruzek for some kind of help but he just shrugged. "Count yourself lucky you just need to figure out why poor abused Fred crying. I have to figure out why Tilly cries for no apparent reason."

"I not crying Daddy. Fred crying."

"I know you are not crying Darlin'. Maybe Erin can give Fred a cuddle and sing to him, that will make him feel better." He really did love teasing the shit out of people; no one could refuse to do anything for Matilda. And because of that Erin was now rocking poor Fred and singing Rock a bye baby while Tilly watched happily.

Adam wanted to say 'I told you so.' But he couldn't stop laughing. Matilda had stolen the show but rather than ruin the ceremony it made it all the more special.

As soon as he agreed to let Matilda be her flower girl a whole world of crazy opened up around him. Lana had actually squealed when he told her. She had been away on a conference when Erin had asked him and hearing her reaction on the phone it would have been nice if she had been in town at the time, just to see her face. When she got back the first thing she did was call Erin and they spent the next weekend out shopping for dresses. Adam had no idea what was going on and quite frankly wasn't all that keen to find out either. He was more than happy to let them go for it. Lana, he expected her reaction because that woman loved to shop and loved clothes and spending a lot of money on clothes. Lindsay on the other hand was a complete surprise.

On the actual day as soon as Matilda climb out of the car and saw the small crowd looking at her she froze. She was holding Voight's hand tightly and refused to budge. "No. I want Daddy." She turned back and buried her head in Voight's legs and no amount of coaxing was going to get her moving.

Adam was not surprised it had gone pear shaped, although he was hoping it was a little later in the ceremony. He did think she would at least make it down the aisle. He stood up next to the Celebrant and as Hank crouched down and pointed him out Matilda suddenly took off down the small aisle that had been lined with red carpet between two banks of chairs. There may have been only forty or so people present but that was enough to freak Tilly out.

"Daddy." She cried out as she bolted into his arms. He looked at Jay and apologised. "I beautiful. Look at my dress."

"Yes you are." He whispered and pointed down the aisle she had just run up. "Now shhh for a minute and watch."

When Erin and Voight finally caught up with her they were both laughing, as was just about everyone else and Adam sheepishly took his seat back next to Lana with Matilda quite happily sitting on his lap, for now.

"Oh pretty 'Rin." As desperate as Adam was to keep her quiet Matilda provided running commentary on the whole service, which was fortunately short. "Why Jay sad? He crying?"

"He's not sad, he's happy."

"Don't cry Jay." She called out to him. "It okay."

"Poppa Hank sit here." Matilda pointed to the empty seat beside them when Voight had done his bit and then clapped when he followed her direction. Adam just looked at his boss and shrugged.

"They get marry?" Matilda turned to look at Adam for a brief moment.

"Yes Darlin' they are getting married. Now sit quietly and listen for a minute." Matilda clasped her hands over her mouth and gasped with delight.

"Oh look Will, hi." She waved. "He get marry too?"

"No. He's just helping Jay?"

"Oh, dear. 'Cos Jay crying?" Adam just gave up; short of standing up in the middle of the ceremony and taking her way down the back there was nothing he could do that wasn't going to end in disaster. She was enjoying this far too much and at one stage he caught Jay's eye and he just shook his head. What could they do? At least it was going to be memorable story to tell at her 21st.

"Do you like my pretty flowers Daddy?" Perhaps it had been a mistake not seeing her before the wedding. He should have known better, Matilda always wanted to fill him in on her day when she saw him. At dinner they often had a 'highlight' of the day conversation, although her highlight was usually what happened in the last few minutes. This was starting to feel like one of those moments. Lana had stayed with Matilda at Erin's so they could have a girl's night and Adam was more than happy with that, much preferring to spend the night with Jay, Will and Atwater celebrating Jay's last night of freedom at Molly's.

He hadn't seen Matilda's dress either, taking the option of being surprised on the day. Seemed like a good way to get out of having to make any decisions however now he was regretting it because Matilda wanted to tell him all about it. Right now and unfortunately she was no longer satisfied with one-word answers or being fobbed off. He had created a monster.

"'Rin buy me a present." She showed him the bangle on her wrist. It held three little charms, each with an initial, M,A and K. "It's pretty. Bear says it's pretty for a pretty girl." Adam looked at it and whispered that he liked it.

"Kev, Kev. Look Kev." She reached over Adam's shoulder and demanded a 'fist bump.' And Atwater at least looked apologetic as he did it. "Oh Al too. Hi Al." Adam whispered in her ear to sit still and watch Erin and Jay and that worked for a moment.

"Oh, kiss for 'Rin." Adam could see that both of them were giggling at the perfectly well timed announcement from the peanut gallery, which consisted entirely of Matilda Ruzek. "Yay." She clapped.

"Thank you Tilly." It was pointless but he tried.

"Daddy kiss Bear too."

"Not right now." He could barely keep a straight face and on either side of him Lana and Voight were laughing and he could hear Atwater and Al chortling behind him. This was his worst nightmare. Half the crowd were giggling at her antics, although to Matilda's credit she was blissfully unaware of the show she was putting on. She was just happy to be here.

She grabbed Adam's face with one hand, making sure that he was looking at her. "Kiss Bear Daddy." Rather than try and ignore her demands, which had the habit of getting louder and more urgent, he leant over and gave Lana a kiss much to Matilda's delight. "You get marry too?"

"No, just Erin and Jay." He squeezed Lana's hand as it rested on his knee. They hadn't really talked about it, it seemed like neither of them wanted to rock that boat but her head dropped just a little, just enough for him to notice.

Matilda wiggled her way from Adam's lap as Erin and Jay turned to face the small group of their closet friends and family as man and wife. She jumped up and down and cheered as everyone clapped.

"I'm so sorry." Adam approached them both sheepishly. "I so want to say I told you so but this is no time to gloat."

"Are you kidding?" Jay scooped up Matilda who was now tugging on his hand. "That was awesome."

"Jay, You not sad now?" He shook his head. "My dress is pretty too."

"It is, I think you may be the prettiest girl here." Jay winked at her and kissed her cheek. "Don't tell 'Rin though."

Matilda was the life of the party for the first few hours before Amanda came and picked her up to take her home, which went down like a lead balloon. She wailed all the way to the car. "No, I stay, I dance. I stay with Daddy and Bear."

Even telling her that she was going to spend the night with Zoe didn't stop the sobbing. He had a sneaking suspicion that not only was she way over tired but that there may have been a shit load of sugar fuelling her. He wished Amanda luck and waved her goodbye.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look today?" Adam snaked an arm around Lana's waist kissed her neck. "I love you."

She leant back against him. They had spent more time chasing Matilda around than they had together so far so he was looking forward to a few hours partying with their friends and a night alone with no interruptions and a lazy morning of just the two of them. Those times were few and far between. Even living together rarely gave them uninterrupted moments like these. Someone was always up early with Tilly and squeezing in dates between their sometimes insane work hours had been challenging.

Therefore he was going to make the most of these hours. He was going to dance with her, laugh with her and love her.

When he danced with Erin he thanked her for the present. "Tilly loves it."

"Thank you for letting her be part of it all. I loved having her with me." One thing Ruzek could do was dance. He was grateful in some respects that each of his past relationships had taught him something. Wendy had taught him to dance. Actually she had insisted that he learn for their wedding and had dragged him kicking and screaming along to lessons. He had suggested to Halstead that it would be worth the effort to learn but that was met with stony silence so Erin was enjoying be led around the dance floor by someone with some level of competence.

"Despite the running commentary."

"That's Matilda, that's the girl we adore. It was perfect." And she honestly meant it. The wedding had pushed her a little out of her comfort zone, never being overly gushing and romantic so having Matilda bring it all back down to earth for them was great. "I hope when we have kids they are half as awesome as that one."

"Just let 'em loose with Uncle Adam. I am sure I can arrange something." He spun her around one last time but before he let her go he wanted to ask one more thing. "Would you mind if I buy another charm for the bangle?" The fact that he knew the word bangle was a little disturbing; the world of being a father to a girl had opened his eyes to all manner of things.

"Of course not, I almost did but I thought that should be your decision. I didn't want to upset anyone"

"Bear." Adam rolled onto his back, stretching his legs and pulled her into him. "Wake up sweetheart." He started tracing circles on her back. They had finally got home close to 2am and peering at the clock it was now past 9am. The light in the bedroom had eventually woken him up. They didn't drink a lot because if he had a night and morning alone with her he wanted his wits about him.

"Why?"

"Because I have a surprise for you."

"Adam, Honey you have a surprise for me every morning."

"Yet most mornings we don't get the chance to use it. Come on, wake up." Slowly he coaxed her awake and they spent a blissful hour together, before crawling out of bed and into the shower in which they ended up doing exactly the same thing as they had in the previous hour.

Bringing a fresh cup of tea out to her as she sat in the sofa on back deck Adam joined her with his coffee. They had been in this house for almost a year and they both loved sitting on the back deck on the weekends, when they both had a chance to breath and let Matilda run around the yard. If it was nice enough they would have breakfast outside too and they could spend long evenings out here in summer having friends over for a BBQ. "Can I ask you something?" She nodded as she blew lightly on her steaming hot drink.

"Yesterday, when Matilda asked if we were married now you looked a little disappointed. Is that something you have been thinking about?" He had rushed into previous engagements without ever actually talking to either Wendy or Kim. They had never had a conversation about marriage until he popped the question so he was learning it seemed.

"Not really." She had no idea how to answer that. They had never talked about it, not even as a joke. Marriage had such mixed memories for Adam. His parent's marriage was a disaster that he endured as a child and his proposal to Kim sent their relationship sideways for a while. When they finally did get married, when she was pregnant with Matilda it had been the happiest day of his life up until then but they had barely six months together. He felt like marriage was a curse and she could understand why he felt the way he did. "We've never talked about it."

"Let's talk about it now." He tucked one leg up under his knee and turned to face her slightly, and draping one arm the back of the couch he lightly tickled her neck with his fingers. "Is that what you want?"

"Honestly?" Staring at the cup in her hands she took a deep breath. "I don't know, Adam maybe one day." She paused perhaps realising that this may be her one shot at telling him how she really felt about it. "Yes, one day I want to get married. At some stage I want to marry you but I know it's not something you have a lot of faith in. I don't know if it would make me any more committed to you, if that helps. It's not a deal breaker, but one day maybe we could think about it."

"Okay." His response didn't really fill her with much joy and he could see that. "I love you, I love being with you and I want to live every moment with you. You have bought so much light into my world. I don't want to ruin what we have and I think I am jinxed when it comes to marriage."

"Adam, I do love you, so much. I love our life together and I don't think you are jinxed. I think our life is perfect right now with or without a ring."

What he did next just about floored her. "I am not sure I can do both right now." She wasn't quite sure what he meant but he didn't give her much of chance to contemplate it. "I know you want to have a baby. Perhaps it's time we talked about that?"

"Adam, are you sure?"

"Yes and No." Slipping his hand into hers he smiled at the stunned look on her face. "I don't want Matilda growing up as an only child. I would have loved to have a brother or sister to play with and share a childhood with and I want Matilda to have a brother or sister, I don't want to wait forever. I want that with you. Perhaps we can just think about it."

"We can." Leaning over and placing her cup on the table, she took both his hands in hers. "Although I don't know if yes and no is a good answer?"

"I'm a little all over the shop. I love Matilda and being her father and I want you to experience that feeling, that feeling you get when you hold your own child, one that is part of you, part of us it is amazing. I know that you love Matilda too, and you have no idea how happy that makes me." He was drawing circles on the palm of her hands. "It's beautiful to see you love her like she was your own and Matilda adores you. The no part comes from my fears. I am scared because I now know what can go wrong. It's not because I am unsure about wanting a baby with you. I couldn't imagine it not being you. I want to make you happy and I know you want a baby but I am not sure I will ever be really ready because I am scared so I just need to jump in. I am going to hang onto you and just jump."

"Okay. So we need to work on that." Lana kissed his hands and entwined her fingers in his, pulling him in for a kiss. "I love you Adam, so much. I want to have this awesome family with you, I can wait for the rest."

Surprisingly the silence was comfortable and they just sat in the moment for a while. "Can I ask you something now?"

"Sure."

"When Matilda was born…" The look in his eyes almost made her stop, he still had a lot of pain buried deep within him. "…what happened?"

"You know what happened."

"I know what happened to Kim, but why do you never talk about those early days with Matilda?"

"Because I wasn't there."

"Adam, you were there. I know you were, why don't you talk about it."

"Erin told you?" She couldn't figure out if he was upset or annoyed. Perhaps she had pushed too hard but if they were even going to think about having a baby together she wanted to know he was going to be there. Lana nodded, she was too scared to say anything else because he finally looked like he was about to talk. "I was…." he stared off into the backyard. "..I don't know." He knew that Erin was aware that he was at the hospital everyday but they never talked about it. Once she had tried to bring it up with him, very early on and he shut her down with just a look.

"I don't know how it even happened. I remember just being there one night. I hadn't seen her since the night she was born but I just couldn't stand all these people around me telling me what to do and asking me about her constantly, what her name was, that I needed to bring her to the funeral. It got too much. So I ended up there and it was strange, I didn't want to be there but I couldn't be anywhere else." For the briefest moment he looked at Lana and then went back to staring at the garden. "I felt guilty because I blamed her for Kim's death. I was scared of loving her and having her leave me too. So I would go in at night, when everyone else had gone home or to bed and I would sit in that room and watch her sleep."

"So you were there for her from the start?"

"I guess so. I didn't hold her though. I didn't do anything for her."

"You loved her."

"I thought that maybe for a while I didn't but I loved her from the moment I knew she was there growing inside Kim." Looking down at their hands, he had always found it comforting that she would always hold his hands when they talked. "That was a time I didn't want to share with anyone."

He didn't say it harshly but she felt like she had just been reprimanded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." The silence wasn't quite as comfortable this time. Adam had started working his thumbs back and forth across her wrists. "Back then." He went on to clarify. "I didn't want to share that time with anyone back then. It was too painful."

"Adam, thank you. I think you are an amazing father to Matilda." Resting her head on his shoulder Adam pressed a kiss into her temple and let it linger. "I think you are incredible. I feel lucky to have met you and be loved by you."

He didn't feel the need to answer because he just held her a little tighter.

They spend another few hours alone, making the most of the uninterrupted time together before heading out to pick up Matilda from Amanda's. She had offered to keep her for the day because Peter had a family function to go to and they thought Matilda would love the chance to play with all his nieces and nephews.

"We just need to stop somewhere on the way." Adam was a little vague as they drove into the city and she was surprised when they were standing outside Tiffany's. "Don't get too excited. I thought we'd done the whole let's not get married thing this morning." He teased her a little.

"Doesn't mean a girl can't dream a little?"

He made her cry. Leading her over to the charm section, having found out where Erin had purchased them from he asked the sales assistant for a charm with the letter 'L'.

"For Matilda's bangle." He couldn't believe how emotional she got and he knew it was the right thing to do. That thought had been almost instantaneous when he first realised what those charms meant on Matilda's Bangle. He wanted her to have a fourth charm because this woman had taken his daughter into her heart, loved her like a mother, loved him for being her father and deserved to be part of it.

 **Sadly, that is the last of the extra bits. I do feel a bit sad about letting this one go but what can you do. Thank you for riding with me.**


End file.
